Think we can’t guess your salary based on the type of party you plan? Think again.
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Some people live for the phrase “turn up” while others, well, not quite.
Take this quiz to find out which category you fall into.
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Will your December be dirty? If yes, at what cost?
Take this quiz to find out:
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If you were forced to attend enough parties as a kid, you’ll definitely be able to relate to this one. I wouldn’t be surprised if I found out that every Nigerian MC attended the same MC school for MCing children’s parties.
1. “A Chu Chu….A Chu Chu”
I promise you, MCs this is not the only way to start a party, and this is not the only way to test a microphone.
2. “Who can tell me why we’re here?”
The answer is always something like “Destiny’s birthday!” And the winner will win something like a Caprisonne.
3. “Who can tell me the celebrant’s name?”
“Destinyyyyyyyy”
4. “Go and bring your mummy to dance”
Mothers will be sitting on their own and somebody will just drag them out for some embarrassing dancing competition. Kids really need to be stopped.
5. “Is she the winner?”
After the dancing competition for the parents, the children will spend the next twenty minutes equally embarrassing themselves in the name of dancing. And then obviously the winner will win something too. The circle of life.
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Good news. Two coronavirus vaccines have shown some serious promise and might be deployed as early the last days of November. Yaay. While this doesn’t mean COVID will be over by Christmas or even late next year, it’s safe to make plans a future where something close to normalcy is restored. Like many others, Nigerians are getting ready to go back to the things they’ve missed during the pandemic.
1. Fornicate
If there’s one thing Nigerians like above partying, it is fornicating. For hardened fornicators among us, the pandemic has been difficult. You see those ones in long-distance relationships? Hmm.
2. Go clubbing
It has been burning Nigerians inside their bodies that they have been able to club for 8 months. Once things go back to normal, Quilox will look like crusade ground.
3. Go for church crusades
Speaking of crusade grounds, it’s been a minute since your mother had the opportunity to call down holy ghost fire among her peers. You just know the first church crusade after the pandemic is going to slap so hard.
4. Owambe
The way weddings and other parties are going to return with a vengeance, you’ll think people were trying to kill themselves.
5. Beach
The beaches have been empty for a long time. Once the pandemic is over:
6. Travel
The pandemic has had the world on lockdown throughout this year. For the rich we’re meant to be eating, they’ve missed posting champagne in front of the passport on IG stories. All they’ve been posting is old vacation pictures captioned “Take me back😭😭”
7. Restaurant-hopping
You know these people. Every Saturday, they are at a different restaurant. During the lockdown, all their IG was quiet. When things return to normal, you’ll have to check whether its them you’re following a food channel.
Read: 5 Ways To Handle A Long Distance Relationship
[donation]
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Corona is outside and we can’t party as hard as we want. But that does not stop us from daydreaming about all the things we miss, right?
1. The aso ebi.
Or even colour codes for the party. We miss being genuinely excited to dress up for an actual event.
2. The live band.
And good music that will make you throw away your home training. Whew! God when again?
3. Spraying money.
The face you make when the music enters your bones. The face you make when you’re really ready to spray that dollar. The face you make when you want to show them that you mean business. Just what we miss!
4. The food.
Nothing beats the taste of party Jollof. Nothing at all.
5. Showing off.
Because really, what is the point of an owambe if you don’t show off and oppress your haters with your slay?
6. The souvenirs.
Those really fabulous parties where they share anything and everything from matches to tomato paste to Mama Lemon soap.
7. The premium fun that only a correct owambe can give you.
We really miss owambes. Can Corona please pack her load and be going? We have heard your message ma, and we are sorry. Please come and be going.
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Martell’s Sunday night party was all shades of fun and MAD! We mean that; because how else can one describe the recent Martell at Dusk (M.A.D) which held at Freedom Way, Lekki Phase 1?
The premium cognac brand hosted several people to an evening of laid-back fun and razzmatazz. Here are some major highlights of the event:
Kelechi Amadi-Obi’s Photo Booth
Photographer extraordinaire, Kelechi Amadi-Obi, put out all the stops, as usual, capturing all the fashionable folks and entertaining scenes in the coolest environment – his photo booth.
Nonstop music:
Gbedu and drinks are a great combo, which is why we were really feeling DJ Smallz’ skills on the beat.
Celeb sightings:
From musicians to media personalities, OAP’s and influencers. We can say with our chest that we spotted Ycee, Koko by Khloe, Moet, Isilomo, Sophia Alakija, Becca and of course, the ever energetic and ace hypeman, Shodi–who hosted the event. Err, we might have taken a few selfies with them-because vanity.
Nonstop drinks:
Going to a Martell party and not drinking Martell? That can’t happen. We had more than enough and then some.
Squads:
Because why would you attend a cool outdoor event without your personal persons? Everyone came out with someone, or got someone at this event.
We surely can’t wait to attend another, if only for awesome pictures by a god of photography and of course, some fine Martell.
Even more photos:
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I woke up that morning, prepared to shut that party down.
Single malt whisky, The Singleton was launching its 12-year-old whisky at a party happening at The Sencillo Beach House, Ilashe. A ton of influencers and cool kids were going to be there, and I’d gotten an invite.
I’d been looking forward to this day for weeks. It was the 1st of October (the first public holiday that’d come along in a while) so it was the perfect day to do something meaningful. In this case, something meaningful meant killing myself with enjoyment.
As the baby boy that I am. While staging a fashion show in front of the mirror all in the name of finding the right outfit, it began to drizzle. I thought it’d be the kind that’d fall for a few minutes and stop, so I went into the shower undeterred. When I emerged, it was raining cats and dogs. The clouds were so black that for a second, I wondered if the rapture had happened and I’d been left behind.
Mother Nature was really about to do me dirty and ruin the fun day I’d planned.
Damn. The area my house is situated in is a mess. If a group of people sneeze at the same time, it floods. So I knew that getting to the Island (the party’s venue) from Isolo (where I live) with heavy rain would feel like an obstacle course designed by satan himself. I was determined to not miss this party, though, so I got dressed, got a cab, and headed out. Obstacles be damned.
That day, traffic and floods came together and were like:
The ride took forever.
The invite said to be at Bics Gardens in Lekki by 12 PM where a boat would convey everyone to the beach, and I was terrified that I was going to miss it. What would I do? Go back home and spend the day sleeping?? Was NO ONE going to see the bomb outfit I had on???
After two gruelling hours in traffic – and almost driving into a ditch the driver couldn’t see because it was covered by floods – we got to Bic Gardens at 11:54 AM. As I got out of the car and sprinted in, I reminded myself to ask for the number of Lekki’s Babalawo because it didn’t look like it had rained there at all. Luckily, the boat hadn’t left yet so I got on and settled in.
And immediately began to think of every ocean disaster movie I’ve ever seen.
Thankfully, we got to the beach without the boat being swallowed up by a supernatural whirlpool (à la The Odyssey) and the party began. Good vibes, amazing food, banging music, and enough The Singleton whisky to take down an elephant soon made me forget everything I’d been through earlier in the day. Aje Butter, OSi Suave, DJ Spinall, DJ Tgarbs, Chef Fregz, Kemi Smallz, Nara Ozim, Uche Odoh, and Sharon Ojong were just some of the influencers I partied with. Check out these pictures:
You know what? Watch this video. When you do, you’ll see why I was willing to walk through fire to be at this party:
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Remember that video that went viral which featured a groom slapping his new bride at their reception? I never thought I would see such a thing live in my lifetime but I’m pretty sure Mother Nature was snickering somewhere in her heavenly villa at my belief.
So, get this, I was invited to a traditional wedding and I was ready to slay. I mean, facebeat was on point, my tribe were in place–we were gonna be the life of the party, dance to our hearts desire and of course, eat jollof and dodo. Because that mix is ever important.
The ceremony was well underway when we got in and as per friends of friends of the couple we had the best seats in the house, you know, levels.
Anyway, I was busying waiting for my food while watching the emcee do his thing, basically asking the bride and groom to do ridiculous things that got the guests laughing. Then thunder struck! Bride was told to narrate how they first met; she gave her account but an argument ensued between the couple, which we all thought was just a lovey-dovey thing going on until it turned serious. Groom was having none of what the bride was saying and we were all laughing at his serious expression until-gbas gbos! He slapped her.
Say what! We knew it was no longer play; everyone was frozen with shock for a moment and then, pandemonium! Bride’s father went for the guy, emcee was in the midst of it all trying to calm everyone down, getting his suit jacket torn in the process. Me? I was just there looking confused, wondering what the hell was going on.
Did that just happen? I decided it was a family problem, wondered what the newly joined family was gonna do about such a sticky situation. Asides from handling the scandal-you know there are just some nitwits that are waiting on the sidelines to victimshame people-what will the bride do? Will she stay or leave? What will her family do about the whole thing? Has he been hitting her before and she hid it until the volcano erupted?
Anyway, there was no one to answer my questions at that moment, guests were scurrying away like antelopes and the women in the groom’s family had removed their gele’s, tying it around their waist, in order to focus on the gbege at hand.
The bride’s family were having none of it. I figured they had a lot on their hands and couldn’t bother about who got served at their party or not. There goes my jollof rice
Later on, rumor had it that the groom had mental illness which had been left uncured because his parents thought seeking psychological help was just not done, especially as an African. That led to his manifestations on the D day, which apparently shocked everyone except his family, who were trying to get him off their hands and basically make him another person’s problem.
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Owambe is the real deal in Nigeria — the ultimate Nigerian experience. Every other Saturday, the average Nigerian looks forward to attending a party.
People tend to go to parties for three major reasons: to slay, to feel among or to eat. Amongst the people who go there to eat, there are levels and this includes the nitpick eater, the always-asking-for-more eater and then there’s the hoarder. The hoarders are a different breed. They are so different, we’ve made an entire post about them.
These five behaviours will prove if you’re a hoarder or not:
- When considering the outfit to wear, you always put in mind the fact that you might need to bring food back home from the party. Maybe take a bigger bag that matches that black dress? You might even take disposable plastics or nylons with you. The more the merrier. The hoarders are forever ready.
- Feeling like a G when people at your table start complaining about how the prawns didn’t get to them. Haq haq haq. They don’t know you have the direct line to the kitchen. In fact, there are about four servings worth of prawns in your bag. The way you’ll do asepo tomorrow ehn, no be for here.
- Getting pissed when people come back from party empty handed. What’s the essence of going nigbayen?
- Not being able to deal with the fact that you are expected to bring some edibles or drinks when going to a party. What’s now the point? I can’t deal, is my presence not enough?
- How you laugh so hard in your mind when you hear people referring to you as someone who never hoards food at parties. Haq haq haq. They don’t know you have the key to hoarders gate, in fact you could give them a few lessons. Like, how to be an hoarder at parties without seeming like one.
