Online | Zikoko!

So a couple of days ago, I was surfing the internet innocently when I stumbled on this.

This got me thinking about if there was an actual thriving sex shop market in Nigeria that I didn’t know about.

So I decided to find out by searching the deepest darkest corners of Nigeria’s cyberspace.

And fam, what I found left me shook!!!

MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought we were among the top 10 most religious countries in the WORLD! What happened?!

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR MORALS?!!!
So there I was, on the floor, hugging myself and crying from what I had just seen.

When it occurred to me that I had to do something with this information.

So I decided to make a list of the weirdest, insane, most absurd, ridiculous and most importantly, hilarious sex toys I could find.

Because what we specialize in at Zikoko is making you laugh while also increasing your chances of going to Hell.

That was a joke btw. All we want to do is make you laugh. (But we will take your soul if you offer it to us willingly as a gift for all the joy and happiness we bring you)
So without further ado, here they are

The weirdest sex toys you will ever see!
1. Rabbit Vibrator

Apparently your pet rabbit needs some pleasuring too.
2. Sex Delay Rings

These look like brightly colored machine spare parts.
3. Universal Butt Plug

There are much bigger things to “plug” yourself with so what exactly is the point of this?
4. Red Pocket Lipstick Vibrator

Not all lipsticks are for the lips on your face. #StayWoke
5. Tongue Vibrator

A vibrating disembodied tongue?! What the hell is this freakshow??!!
6. The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion

REVOLUTIONARY!
7. USB Vaginal Vibrating Egg

Why does it need a USB? LOL!
8. Rubber Duck Vibrator

This is why we can’t have good things. They took a children’s toy and turned it into a sex toy.
9. Rechargeable Storm Masturbator

You would see this and think it’s a speaker. You would be wrong.
10. The Piss Hole Wand

WHY?! WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO DO THIS?!
11. Mini Vaginal Masturbator

What the hell is this and why does it look like raw meat?
12. The Accomodator

WHAT. THE. HELL?!
13. Finger Crystal Condom

So is it like for your finger or…..?
14. Penis Ice Mold

For when you want penis shaped pieces of ice floating in your drink. I’m tired of humanity.
15. The Abominable Foot

HUMANITY WHY?!!!!!
16. Remote Control Vibrating Egg

Biko, why is there an iPod attached to this?
17. Black Glory Hole

I am NEVER eating chocolate again.
18. Da Smoke Penis Enlargers

These look like little pink Darth Vader helmets and now I will never see Star Wars the same way again.
If you enjoyed this post (which we know you did), check out this next one that compiles 13 tweets about sex toys on Twitter that will make you realize that Nigerians are not as shy as you think.

13 Tweets About Sex Toys That’ll Make You Realize Nigerians Are Not As Shy As You’d Think
1. When you get a mail about clearance sales from one of these online stores.

Everything is 40% off. Jesus!
2. When ASOS sends you a mail in this high exchange rate period.

Get away from me, Satan!
3. When you finally open the site and you still cannot afford the items.

Don’t you dare send me any more emails.
4. When you’re knee-deep in window shopping and your browser tab starts looking like this:

*tears*
5. When you realize that there isn’t really money to buy anything.

Help me, Lord.
6. You, lying to yourself that you really need the product and it’s a good deal.

It’s a good deal. I can’t get it anywhere else. I’m so lucky.
7. When you finally decide to spend your next month’s salary and order something.

It’s just money.
8. When you want to check out and you see the delivery price.

No free delivery?
9. After all the high prices, then you notice there’s no Pay on Delivery option.

I’m not doing again.
10. When they say your item will be delivered in 5 – 7 days but it’s been 8 days.

Thank God it’s Pay on Delivery.
11. What you ordered online vs. what gets delivered.

What is this?!
12. When your item is delivered and it’s in the wrong size.

JESUS!
13. Online shopping sites, when you try to return a damaged item.

It’s mission impossible.
When all your guys suddenly started betting and you were just looking at them like:

See your lives.
Then your account balance finally made you swallow your pride.

Hay God!
You, doing permutation and combination before placing your very first bet.

No time.
You, after your first straight bet clicked.

It has started.
You, adding “Data analytics and Forecast Expert” to your CV after your second bet clicked.

I sabi the work.
You and Live Score:

Your new bestfriend.
Whenever your first game spoils your slip.

CHAI!
Whenever you hear gist of people that used N100 to win 3 million.

Let’s hear word.
When you go and place 10 slips praying that at least one will enter.

Baba God, do it for your child.
You, watching all of them cast one by one.

Why me?
How you look at the team that still managed to mess up your double chance bet:

So useless.
When you finally place one high risk bet but you swear you’ve picked a winner.

This is my time.
You, wondering whether you should tell your guys or chill and chop alone.

Nah! Them no born me with anybody.
You, looking at your expected winnings when none of your games have casted.

My testimony is loading.
When your slip is remaining just one game.

God, hear me oh!
You, calculating what you will use all that money to buy.

I will ball sha.
When by half-time it’s still 1-1 and you put straight win.

What is this?
When you refresh Live Score and 86th minute nothing has changed.

My enemies want to shame me.
Then 93rd minute, your village witches allow the other team score.

I’m dead.
You swear you’ll never bet again, but Bet9ja and Nairabet are there looking at you like:

You’ll be back.

So a couple of days ago, I was surfing the internet innocently when I stumbled on this.

This got me thinking about if there was an actual thriving sex shop market in Nigeria that I didn’t know about.

So I decided to find out by searching the deepest darkest corners of Nigeria’s cyberspace.

And fam, what I found left me shook!!!

I thought we were among the top 10 most religious countries in the WORLD! What happened?!

So there I was, on the floor, hugging myself and crying from what I had just seen.

When it occurred to me that I had to do something with this information.

So I decided to make a list of the weirdest, insane, most absurd, ridiculous and most importantly, hilarious sex toys I could find.

Because what we specialize in at Zikoko is making you laugh while also increasing your chances of going to Hell.

So without further ado, here they are

1. Rabbit Vibrator

2. Sex Delay Rings

3. Universal Butt Plug

4. Red Pocket Lipstick Vibrator

5. Tongue Vibrator

6. The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion

7. USB Vaginal Vibrating Egg

8. Rubber Duck Vibrator

9. Rechargeable Storm Masturbator

10. The Piss Hole Wand

11. Mini Vaginal Masturbator

12. The Accomodator

13. Finger Crystal Condom

14. Penis Ice Mold

15. The Abominable Foot

16. Remote Control Vibrating Egg

17. Black Glory Hole

18. Da Smoke Penis Enlargers

If you enjoyed this post (which we know you did), check out this next one that compiles 13 tweets about sex toys on Twitter that will make you realize that Nigerians are not as shy as you think.

1. When you get a mail about clearance sales from one of these online stores.

2. When ASOS sends you a mail in this high exchange rate period.

3. When you finally open the site and you still cannot afford the items.

4. When you’re knee-deep in window shopping and your browser tab starts looking like this:

5. When you realize that there isn’t really money to buy anything.

6. You, lying to yourself that you really need the product and it’s a good deal.

7. When you finally decide to spend your next month’s salary and order something.

8. When you want to check out and you see the delivery price.

9. After all the high prices, then you notice there’s no Pay on Delivery option.

10. When they say your item will be delivered in 5 – 7 days but it’s been 8 days.

11. What you ordered online vs. what gets delivered.

12. When your item is delivered and it’s in the wrong size.

13. Online shopping sites, when you try to return a damaged item.

When all your guys suddenly started betting and you were just looking at them like:

Then your account balance finally made you swallow your pride.

You, doing permutation and combination before placing your very first bet.

You, after your first straight bet clicked.

You, adding “Data analytics and Forecast Expert” to your CV after your second bet clicked.

You and Live Score:

Whenever your first game spoils your slip.

Whenever you hear gist of people that used N100 to win 3 million.

When you go and place 10 slips praying that at least one will enter.

You, watching all of them cast one by one.

How you look at the team that still managed to mess up your double chance bet:

When you finally place one high risk bet but you swear you’ve picked a winner.

You, wondering whether you should tell your guys or chill and chop alone.

You, looking at your expected winnings when none of your games have casted.

When your slip is remaining just one game.

You, calculating what you will use all that money to buy.

When by half-time it’s still 1-1 and you put straight win.

When you refresh Live Score and 86th minute nothing has changed.

Then 93rd minute, your village witches allow the other team score.

You swear you’ll never bet again, but Bet9ja and Nairabet are there looking at you like: