So a couple of days ago, I was surfing the internet innocently when I stumbled on this.
This got me thinking about if there was an actual thriving sex shop market in Nigeria that I didn’t know about.
So I decided to find out by searching the deepest darkest corners of Nigeria’s cyberspace.
And fam, what I found left me shook!!!
MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought we were among the top 10 most religious countries in the WORLD! What happened?!
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR MORALS?!!!
So there I was, on the floor, hugging myself and crying from what I had just seen.
When it occurred to me that I had to do something with this information.
So I decided to make a list of the weirdest, insane, most absurd, ridiculous and most importantly, hilarious sex toys I could find.
Because what we specialize in at Zikoko is making you laugh while also increasing your chances of going to Hell.
That was a joke btw. All we want to do is make you laugh. (But we will take your soul if you offer it to us willingly as a gift for all the joy and happiness we bring you)
So without further ado, here they are
The weirdest sex toys you will ever see!
1. Rabbit Vibrator
Apparently your pet rabbit needs some pleasuring too.
2. Sex Delay Rings
These look like brightly colored machine spare parts.
3. Universal Butt Plug
There are much bigger things to “plug” yourself with so what exactly is the point of this?
4. Red Pocket Lipstick Vibrator
Not all lipsticks are for the lips on your face. #StayWoke
5. Tongue Vibrator
A vibrating disembodied tongue?! What the hell is this freakshow??!!
6. The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion
REVOLUTIONARY!
7. USB Vaginal Vibrating Egg
Why does it need a USB? LOL!
8. Rubber Duck Vibrator
This is why we can’t have good things. They took a children’s toy and turned it into a sex toy.
9. Rechargeable Storm Masturbator
You would see this and think it’s a speaker. You would be wrong.
10. The Piss Hole Wand
WHY?! WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO DO THIS?!
11. Mini Vaginal Masturbator
What the hell is this and why does it look like raw meat?
12. The Accomodator
WHAT. THE. HELL?!
13. Finger Crystal Condom
So is it like for your finger or…..?
14. Penis Ice Mold
For when you want penis shaped pieces of ice floating in your drink. I’m tired of humanity.
15. The Abominable Foot
HUMANITY WHY?!!!!!
16. Remote Control Vibrating Egg
Biko, why is there an iPod attached to this?
17. Black Glory Hole
I am NEVER eating chocolate again.
18. Da Smoke Penis Enlargers
These look like little pink Darth Vader helmets and now I will never see Star Wars the same way again.
If you enjoyed this post (which we know you did), check out this next one that compiles 13 tweets about sex toys on Twitter that will make you realize that Nigerians are not as shy as you think.
There are a lot of power-drunk people in Nigeria, with bouncers ranking very high up on that list. To be fair, you’d be power-drunk too if you were built like a trailer and had the ability to stop anyone from entering somewhere they really want to be. So, if you want that kind of power, […]
Growing up in Nigeria can be all shades of awesome, weird and just plain insane, depending on the kind of Nigerian parents you had. But, the awesomeness of playground time cannot be disputed, sometimes I want to shed off this adult skin and dance in the rain while playing suwe or ten-ten. We’ve listed seven […]
From the ones who eat the weirdest food combinations, to the ones who don’t even know they’ pregnant. We’ve mentioned nine types of pregnant women you’re most likely to come across in this life. Which ones have you met ?
Chioma* and Blessing* have been friends for seven years. They met in university and remained by each other’s side long after. However, in 2020, Blessing became obsessed with leaving the country. Here’s their story:
In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, @OJOBAMIJI and @Tomiwa__A talk about making their 9 year friendship work despite being opposites, using bro code to handle girl trouble and why their friendship is similar to Batman and The Joker’s relationship.
Last week, we created a viral quiz that tested your knowledge on the capitals of all 54 African countries and y’all did pretty great. Now, we want to see how well you know the flags of those same countries. Give it a shot:
Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out: 11 Quizzes For The […]
Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.
Kemi Adetiba’s King of Boys movie got a lot of things right, especially casting, so yes, it was a monster hit. Now, we know you may not have put much thought to this, but the personalities of some of the characters closely match yours, and we would like to help you find the perfect match. […]
For unknown reasons, we gathered very real Common Entrance past questions to see if you’re smarter than the average JSS 1 student. There are 10 English questions, 5 Science questions, 5 Social Studies questions and 10 Mathematics questions in this quiz. Show yourself:
After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:
Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]
Are you a Nigerian Student? Are you in a relationship with a fellow Nigerian student? If your answer to these questions is “yes”, then definitely understand these struggles stated below The roommate that does not understand privacy You have been telling Cynthia about how bae is coming over for some private time since the beginning […]
Phillipine movies usually follow a pattern that has become obvious and annoying. Consider this list a documentation of that annoyance by once loyal fans.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
Z! Stacks
Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
With podcasts all the rage now, we’d like to see how you create yours. And yes, we can totally tell what your toxic trait is from your preferred options.
Join The Conversation
Bring a friend.