So a couple of days ago, I was surfing the internet innocently when I stumbled on this.
This got me thinking about if there was an actual thriving sex shop market in Nigeria that I didn’t know about.
So I decided to find out by searching the deepest darkest corners of Nigeria’s cyberspace.
And fam, what I found left me shook!!!
MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought we were among the top 10 most religious countries in the WORLD! What happened?!
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR MORALS?!!!
So there I was, on the floor, hugging myself and crying from what I had just seen.
When it occurred to me that I had to do something with this information.
So I decided to make a list of the weirdest, insane, most absurd, ridiculous and most importantly, hilarious sex toys I could find.
Because what we specialize in at Zikoko is making you laugh while also increasing your chances of going to Hell.
That was a joke btw. All we want to do is make you laugh. (But we will take your soul if you offer it to us willingly as a gift for all the joy and happiness we bring you)
So without further ado, here they are
The weirdest sex toys you will ever see!
1. Rabbit Vibrator
Apparently your pet rabbit needs some pleasuring too.
2. Sex Delay Rings
These look like brightly colored machine spare parts.
3. Universal Butt Plug
There are much bigger things to “plug” yourself with so what exactly is the point of this?
4. Red Pocket Lipstick Vibrator
Not all lipsticks are for the lips on your face. #StayWoke
5. Tongue Vibrator
A vibrating disembodied tongue?! What the hell is this freakshow??!!
6. The Hot Seat Inflatable Cushion
REVOLUTIONARY!
7. USB Vaginal Vibrating Egg
Why does it need a USB? LOL!
8. Rubber Duck Vibrator
This is why we can’t have good things. They took a children’s toy and turned it into a sex toy.
9. Rechargeable Storm Masturbator
You would see this and think it’s a speaker. You would be wrong.
10. The Piss Hole Wand
WHY?! WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO DO THIS?!
11. Mini Vaginal Masturbator
What the hell is this and why does it look like raw meat?
12. The Accomodator
WHAT. THE. HELL?!
13. Finger Crystal Condom
So is it like for your finger or…..?
14. Penis Ice Mold
For when you want penis shaped pieces of ice floating in your drink. I’m tired of humanity.
15. The Abominable Foot
HUMANITY WHY?!!!!!
16. Remote Control Vibrating Egg
Biko, why is there an iPod attached to this?
17. Black Glory Hole
I am NEVER eating chocolate again.
18. Da Smoke Penis Enlargers
These look like little pink Darth Vader helmets and now I will never see Star Wars the same way again.
If you enjoyed this post (which we know you did), check out this next one that compiles 13 tweets about sex toys on Twitter that will make you realize that Nigerians are not as shy as you think.
If there’s one thing about Zikoko quizzes, it’s that they are surprisingly accurate. Today, we’re asking a simple question: What makes you dateable? Is it your sense of humour or your brains? Don’t answer, take this quiz and we’ll tell you:
The actress in this #NairaLife has 99 problems. The biggest one? Not knowing her next payday and figuring out how best to manage this situation. What’s your oldest memory of money? It was walking in on my mum and her salesgirl counting money when I was 11. Out of curiosity, I asked my mum what […]
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means […]
Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:
At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:
Are you straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual or asexual? Well, we are willing to bet that this quiz knows. Just pick a few of your favourite things and we’ll reveal your sexual orientation. Give it a shot:
Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:
Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:
Are you a Nigerian Student? Are you in a relationship with a fellow Nigerian student? If your answer to these questions is “yes”, then definitely understand these struggles stated below The roommate that does not understand privacy You have been telling Cynthia about how bae is coming over for some private time since the beginning […]
Phillipine movies usually follow a pattern that has become obvious and annoying. Consider this list a documentation of that annoyance by once loyal fans.
Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone. Okay, let’s not […]
Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table. 1. You, when you hear that Valentine is […]
In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told […]
Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings. 1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM. In which your parents can slap you for […]
Growing up, Saturdays used to be fun thanks to Cadbury Nigeria and Silverbird television. However, these days, as an adult, Saturdays are filled with unfinished work from the week before. If you are lucky, maybe a nice outing or mild to moderate fornication. Still, all these don’t fill the void the way cartoons used to […]
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
Z! Stacks
Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
If there’s one thing about Zikoko quizzes, it’s that they are surprisingly accurate. Today, we’re asking a simple question: What makes you dateable? Is it your sense of humour or your brains? Don’t answer, take this quiz and we’ll tell you:
Are you a scaredy-cat or a daredevil? Wait, don’t answer that. Take this quiz instead and find your answers. Remember, Zikoko quizzes are always accurate.
Join The Conversation
Bring a friend.