You’re better equipped to survive the trenches of adulthood if you’ve been to a Nigerian boarding school. Don’t believe me? Here are seven stories that prove boarding school is a training ground for real life.
Smuggling food in and out of places
I went to an all-girls private boarding school in Abuja and it never felt like a private school because of how much I suffered. There are so many lessons to pick from my time there, but the one thing I had to quickly learn was how to sneak food out of our dining hall. I was a very slow eater and the dining master and school prefects never gave us enough time to eat.
Ten minutes into the rubbish food they served, they’d start using mop sticks to chase us to class or evening prep. And they never let us take the food out of the dining hall. So I had to be smart and find ways to sneak food out. Sometimes I’d stuff bread in my beret or squeeze it into the pinafore we wore over our shirts as junior students.
But the most embarrassing one I did in JSS1 was sneaking out eba and egusi in my metal cup. I wasn’t in the mood to eat at the time, but I knew I’d be hungry during night prep, so why not? I stuffed the food in my cup, left it by the dining hall window and returned to pick it up an hour later. Yes, the eba was cold, but at least I didn’t sleep hungry. If there’s ever a war, I know exactly how to steal extra rations without getting caught.
— Ortega, 23
Turning everything into a business
Everything in my secondary school was contraband: money, garri, gala, sweets, Nutri-C — even perfume wasn’t allowed. I had to get creative to sneak them in. I’d tear holes in my mattress to hide sweets, roll cash into my detergent container and pay the gateman to keep whatever items I couldn’t get into the hostel.
Eventually, I realised I could sell my provisions for up to quadruple the price in JS 2. Since there weren’t a lot of people with access to contrabands and we didn’t have a tuck shop, I made cool cash. I sold one ₦10 stick sweet for ₦50 and ₦50 gala for ₦100. My sales typically went up during Valentine’s Day because everyone was out to impress their crush. That’s how I saved money to pay for baking classes during the school holidays.
— Faith, 24
Minding your business is like second nature
I went to Becky Parker College in Akure. My motto in boarding school was “fight dey fight no dey, always stay guided”. I never wanted to be caught in the middle of an issue that wasn’t my business because it’s not my head people will use to settle their matter. And even if the fight wasn’t my business, I also had to be on guard in case I needed to run or defend myself. That’s something I’ve taken as a life lesson on the streets of Lagos.
— Ola*, 30
Being street smart
I was in a Federal Government boy’s college between 2007 and 2013. My provisions typically finished in two or three weeks because senior students always bullied me for them. I never bothered to ask my parents to get more for me because I knew they struggled to buy everything I needed in the first place. So I was pretty much in survival mode.
I had to be resourceful because no one was going to be giving me their provisions to eat. During break time, I’d go to the kitchen to volunteer and help the women cook. And for picking beans or helping them cut ingredients for fried rice, they’d give me an extra plate of food and some fruits. It sounds ridiculous now when I think about it, but I couldn’t depend on the three measly meals we had from school. So that extra food meant the world to me.
The kitchen staff eventually became my “guys” and helped me survive not having enough money in school. I don’t think I would’ve survived without them.
I went to a conservative Anglican school in Abuja. I’d rather not mention the name, but if you know, you know. Back in 2009, I was a bit of a wildcard. And one of the craziest things I did was jumping the fence of my school to go party with friends in JSS3.
Until I was caught and expelled in SS2. Normally, we’d come back to school between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. and wait for the hostels to open up at 5 a.m. But that night, there were at least three teachers on stand-by waiting for us. I guess they’d taken a roll call and figured out we weren’t around.
I didn’t take the situation seriously until my father came to get me the next morning. The man beat shege from my body in the centre of school. But I survived all the drama and eventually got into another school the following year. The experience was scary, but it gave me some level of confidence in myself. I’d do it all over again if I could sha.
Bathing with cold water becomes a superpower
My family lived in Nassarawa, but I went to a boarding school in Jos. With all the cold there, there was no hot water to bath. And sometimes, there wasn’t even water at all and we’d have to wait for school to buy jerry cans of water.
As a junior student, I was saddled with fetching water for my SS2 bunkmate and her friends first. By the time I was done, I’d have to manage whatever water was left. I know it sounds dramatic, but I swear I could use a bowl of water to take my bath back in 2009. Call it “rub and shine” or whatever. As long as the water touched my body, it was a bath.
— Paul, 28
Your brain has an in-built alarm system
I’ll never forget the face of Matron Mac from my boarding school days. That woman would furiously ring the bell for prayers at 5 a.m. sharp and they didn’t born you well not to jump down from bed immediately. The one time I decided to close my eye for a few extra seconds, she designed my body with copper wire.
After six years of being in the same hostel with her, I instinctively wake up by 5 a.m. every morning to date. Many years later, no matter how tired or hungover I feel, it’s like the trauma from the bells, wire and yelling wakes me up.
Secondary school slangs were very unnecessary. They made transitioning into adults in university difficult, especially if you attended a boarding school. Here’s a list of some of the worst ones.
1. Jonz
You’d ask someone for help or for a favour and they’ll say “Don’t Jonz” as in, don’t even think about it, give up. First of all, why? Who is Jonz? Or is it Jones? And secondly, do they know their name is being used for nonsense?
2. Fap
This secondary school slang was tricky because for guys it meant masturbation but it could also mean steal. Which totally makes sense in a twisted way.
3. Sap\owu
This one is now popularly known as Sapa but back then, it used to mean a shortage of all provisions. That’s when people used to eat the weirdest combinations because of poverty.
4. Chow
As the name suggests, it meant to eat but because secondary school slangs are created for teenagers, eating could be anything. That’s all we have to say.
5. Banged
As an adult, this has a new meaning but in secondary school, it was mostly used when you failed, as in you banged a test.
6. Jacking
If you went to a boarding school, chances are your locker probably got jacked at least once. This is when someone uses an iron bucket to break a padlock, we won’t be taking further questions.
7. Dubs
This is just a teenager’s weird way of saying that they cheated in a test of exams. For example, Ibukun dubbed the further Maths from Itohan during exams.
8. Shred
Because teenagers, like children, can be a little childish in their ways, they do not deal with rejection well, hence the existence of this slang. This secondary school slang was mostly used when someone asks for something and gets denied. E.g My dad shredded me when I asked him for one million naira.
9. Akagum
If you are tightfisted, this slang is not new to you. Basically, Akagum means someone that cannot give, you are stingy and have no joy.
10. Stab
A lot of these slangs made no sense but this one makes the least sense. If you went missing during assembly, a normal friend would say, oh you missed assembly but secondary school kids would say you stabbed assembly. Which is not overdramatic at all.
[donation]
There are many unforgettable songs we all sang during assembly in primary school. We don’t get to sing them as often these days because we’re older and depressed due to the crushing weight of capitalism, but as soon as you hear them, you are instantly transported back to easier times. We made a list of the ten best assembly songs.
1. Wherever you go
If you don’t immediately chant “go go gongo” you are bad vibes. This was one of the best ways to end a very long term, especially if you attended a boarding school. This assembly song deserves special recognition in Nigeria’s hall of fame.
Baba Ibadan’s spirit when 200 people shout his name at once.
2. Oh my home
Students were wild for singing this song in the morning’s while they marched to their various classes because why were they missing a home they left just a few hours ago? I don’t even blame them. You’d sing war songs too if you were learning 14-16 subjects a day.
3. Today is Friday
“Everybody likes it” and this song did not lie one bit. Nothing gingers students, or anyone really, like the thought of resting during the weekend. This assembly song was such a mood.
4. Kingdom waiting for you
There’s no reason why kids should be joyfully singing about possibly going to heaven or hell but this song made it work. Don’t forget guys, if you do bad they’ll be no more kingdom waiting for you. Shalom.
5. Holiday is coming
“No more morning bells, no more teachers whip, goodbye teachers, goodbye scholars” If teachers weren’t sure that kids hated them and their time at school, they were always reminded by this song on the last day of school. Sometimes, they sang along too. And who can blame them? Kids are scary.
6. H-I-P for the Hip, for the Hipopo
First of all, why was this such a jam? They were using style to teach us how to spell, which is great because how many of us can spell this animal without mumbling this song under our breath?
7. Now the day is over
Is it even an assembly song if it’s not a hymn? This song had you connecting to your inner spirit and was mostly sung at the end of the school day so you could reflect on all your bad deeds on your way home.
8. The day is bright
The best part of this song was shouting “mama jollof rice” at the end of it. Take us back to times without rent, please.
9. Parents listen to your children
Teachers were rude for teaching this song to kids who would go home and sing the “try to pay our school fees” part to their struggling parents. Like what was the reason?
10. We are h-a-p-p-y
No, we were not. No one would be after singing praise and worship, listening to news read at the assembly ground, reciting both Nigeria’s and the school’s anthem and pledge, listening to the principal and their vice rant for hours and hearing lots of announcements. We took it like champs though and found joy in the marching songs that made us laugh until the school bell announced the first period.
[donation]
How many Nigerian secondary school slangs do you know? And remember?
Take this quiz to find out:
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You’ve proven your point. Legend!
Bullying is one of those things that seem to define the secondary school experience in Nigeria. If you went to a Nigerian secondary school, chances are high you’ve been bullied, bullied someone or witnessed someone being bullied.
We spoke to seven Nigerians about their experiences being bullied in secondary school.
Charles.
When I was younger, I was fat. Like not just chubby, I was fat in the sense that if I step into a room all my classmates or church friends or even adults would stare. I don’t think I went a day without being reminded I was fat. It was awful. Adults oh, children oh. Same thing. But the worst was in school. I would be on my own and people would push me to the ground and they’ll laugh. I would be like what did I ever do to you? And the worst part was that even the teachers seemed to all just dislike me so I found it hard to ever report to them. I think the worst was this thing that happened in JS3. I went to the toilet. My school had a row of toilets that was kind of disconnected but still close to the block of classrooms so sometimes you could smell if someone was using it. I went to use it. I had barely entered when a group descended on me. They said I was the reason the toilets were smelling. More people joined the group and they were laughing at me. I peed on myself. This was around 1 pm and my school closed by 3:15 pm. I had to wear those shorts till school closed. That thing did something to my mind. I don’t think I can ever truly get over it.
Nini.
I was bullied the first day I gained admission to secondary school. I was excited to gain admission at a young age. My mom packed me a big lunch box, my uniform was like a maternity gown and I was wearing this heavy ‘koko’ shoe. When I got to school, the assembly was in session so I just walked in and sat down. All of a sudden, a couple of seniors beside me started laughing and pointing. One of them said, “see this ugly girl, what is she wearing?” It got to the point that everyone caught on and all the seniors started laughing at me. It was horrible because it continued for days. I stopped taking food to school after the first week.
There are countless experiences like this too. I was called all sorts of names for no reason and it was horrible. One day, I went to school with a hoodie and the cap was on, to cover my bad haircut. In the middle of a joint class, someone yanked the hoodie off. Everyone started laughing and they hit my head. I was in tears but no one cared. Even the teacher burst into laughter. My head was red from the hitting and I felt so awful.
Eddie.
I was in a boarding school in Calabar. I had the senior students and my peers refer to me as a “faggot”. They said I walked and talked like a girl and some senior boys said they would soon “beat it out of me”. I used to be asked to walk from one end of the hostel to the other while they watched and if I didn’t “walk like a man”, I would get a hard slap on each side of my face. I got slapped several times every afternoon. Sometimes so bad that I would cry bitterly afterwards. I started hiding out in the classroom buildings after school hours, afraid to go to the hostels for afternoon siesta because I knew one of them would come and find me for their “exercise”. When siesta would be over and everyone came back out for afternoon prep, I would sneak back into the hostel and change my clothes and then head back out. This was a regular occurrence for months. I finally got beat up badly one day by a senior student that one side of my butt swelled up like a pumpkin. A teacher saw it and reported the case. After that, my parents moved me to a different boarding school.
Arxn.
I always wanted to go to the boarding house because it meant being away from my parents. My first week in secondary school, the bullying started, not from seniors but my mates. They would keep me out of “secret meetings” because I had a “big mouth”. I had never really hung out with girls before so this was a glaring experience, trying to see what I did wrong etc. Then the worst thing happened, two of the popular babes in my set asked me to escort them to class on a Saturday. I obliged because I thought I was making progress. We got there and met two popular boys who were also in our set and who they were crushing on. These girls set me up to be raped and assaulted. They pushed me into the classroom with the boys, who got a hold of me and started fondling me, everywhere. I almost ran mad, I was screaming for them to help me but they ignored me and started walking back to the hostel. The boys stopped because they didn’t understand what was happening. The girls told them that I wanted it.
Dee.
I changed schools in SS1 so I had to make new friends all over again. There was this girl, Kamila, that didn’t like me and went as far as telling me I should know my place and not step on her toes. She would see me passing and whisper something to her group of friends and they would immediately burst out laughing and pointing at me. That hurt.
One of the few friends I made was Amina, one day she lost the CDs that she borrowed from me and I got mad and stopped talking to her because she didn’t even bother to apologize. Next thing she did was tell everyone in our class that I was a prostitute and that I had AIDS. This girl went round all the classes (science, arts and commercial) to write on the boards that I was a prostitute lol. I would pass and someone would not so quietly say “ashawo” and everyone would start giggling. Or I would be talking to someone and Amina would come with “eww stop talking to her, she has AIDS” or “don’t touch her if you don’t want to catch AIDS.” That went on for over a year. Amina joined forces with Kamila to make my life miserable.
Ego.
I went to a Christian boarding school. I grew up super pampered, even more than my siblings so adjusting was hard for me and I think it made people hate me. I got bullied for everything. At a point, I was getting punished every Friday for fun. Seniors hated me so much, they got my mates to bully me too. They’d go as far as telling their guy friends to not associate with me. I was a super outcast with like only five friends in the whole school.
One time, a senior lined the popular girls from my hostel up and they all took turns insulting me unprovoked. I had an older sister and I was always afraid to tell her things because I was constantly getting threatened with beatings.
Nobody ever talks about what bullying does to you. I went from quiet and peaceful to angry and extremely violent. I didn’t know how to handle confrontation or anything I didn’t like without violence.
Florence.
When I was in year 7, I had these group of friends and there was this boy in Year 8 who was very popular and cute and he liked me. I didn’t know that one of the girls in this friend group had a crush on him and was pained that we were ‘together’. They were all Hausa so they would speak their language and I wouldn’t know they were insulting me the whole time I was with them. There was a day when another Hausa friend I had was listeneing in on their conversation and told me that they hand plans to ‘destroy’ me. So what these girls did is that they went to the bathroom which had maybe like 6/7 stalls. These girls wrote all over the stalls and walls of this bathroom that year 7-9s were using. They wrote stuff like ‘Florence* is a bitch’, “Florence* is a slut” and other berating things with a permanent marker. So obviously everybody saw it and they kept talking about it. A teacher saw it too and called me to talk to the headmistress. I told her that I knew who did it. The minute I called the main girl’s name, the woman told me she couldn’t do anything about it. I later found out that her dad was giving the school money for a new multipurpose hall. Anyways the woman made me go to the science lab to get ethanol to clean my own name from the bathroom walls. She said that since I didn’t have proof and it was my name, I’d have to clear it up. Ended up leaving the school after year 9 and they didn’t even bother changing the stall doors. So people who I didn’t even know knew that I was a slut and a bitch.
A good number of things don’t add up in Nigeria. Social systems don’t work and maintenance of physical structures is a myth, but we at least thought we had gotten somewhere with the ease of carrying out transactions over the internet. More than 1.85 million students applied to write the UTME (Unified Tertiary Matriculation Exams) in 2016, but the process remains crude.
This clip from a concerned Twitter user tells its own story
The struggle to buy JAMB form in Maiduguri the Borno state capital.
The people of Borno are still recovering from the horrors of the Boko Haram sect. Why should they go through any of this?
It really doesn’t make sense that the Ministry of Education and JAMB(Joint Administration and Matriculation Board) don’t give top priority to students from the conflict-affected states in the North. For one, these kids have been forced to abandon their studies for years, surely the least we can do for them is make the learning process easier for them?
The process of applying for and getting the JAMB form needs to be a lot easier for students nationwide.
Jamb that one should buy from the comfort of his bed and apply there. Almost 3 decades after others simplified registrations online
