New year | Page 2 of 3

New year’s eve is the one day in the year that carries the hopes of millions of people around the globe. It is the day we round up and settle all affairs of the previous year while looking forward to a new year. Today, I asked Nigerian women about how they spent their new year’s eve.

1. Sarah, Day dreaming of penis

I spent new year’s eve at my mother’s house thinking of all the penis I wasn’t getting and how annoying it is that I wasn’t going to be kissed into the new year. Also, I’m not at my spiritual best right now so, I wasn’t too pumped about joining the crossover service but I did anyway. It’s so annoying that I was sober hence giving my mind room to panic and worry about the new year.

2. Grace, Playing video games with my man

My boyfriend and I spent the first part of the day opening the rest of our Christmas presents over wine and cookies. Then, watched “Death to 2020” on Netflix and planned a stroll around 11:55 pm to watch the fireworks. We ended up playing some new video game by 11:00 pm, this went on for over an hour. We took a break 12:00 am to shout “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and went back to gaming till 2:00 am.

3. Lara, A blunt, phone sex and Jesus

My crossover into 2021 has been one of the most unusual ones I’ve had yet. At around 10ish, I snuck to the back of our house to smoke the fattest joint with my brother. High as a kite I called my favourite lover and had him talk me through the most delicious orgasm. I wanted him to be my last nut of the year and he was. Post orgasmic and high asf, I gather with my mum and siblings to pray into the new year. I loved it. I was so happy and grateful for my lover and my family.

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4. Zainab, Lagos traffic gave me the best gift

This new year’s eve has to be one of my best ones ever. Since my lover had to travel, I set out to get alcohol and food so I can Netflix and chill into the new year. I had some weed at home so I was set. However, he got stuck in some gangster level traffic. He left home at 1:30 pm and at 8:00 pm, he still hadn’t gotten to the interchange and there was still heavy traffic ahead. Oga just turned back and came home (yay me!).

I was already buzzed from the drinking and weed. At 11:45, we were both tipsy, so I just randomly started yapping about how he made my 2020 better and my hopes for the new year and how much I loved him. He did the same and we just had that intimate moment into the new year and kissed. It was perfect. In those few hours, we had no care in the world. We were happy as can be and I’ll like to maintain that happiness throughout the year.

5. Nneka, Twitter drama and music

I knew I didn’t want to spend new year’s eve in church, not really into the prophetic declaration and shouting into the year. I’m Catholic and it’s subtle, but I still wasn’t interested. I thought I would sleep through it but that didn’t work. I stayed on Twitter till when I saw Dangobabe’s gist (Loved it). At a few minutes to 12:00 am, I listened to cultural praise by Kcee while doing my night routine and rounded up with the sign of the cross at 12:00 am because I still need Jesus.

6. Temi, Intense penising to fireworks

My partner and I had a silly argument on new year’s eve. We even broke up just a few hours to new year’s day. Somehow, we managed to reconcile our differences. We went to the balcony to watch the fireworks as we did a countdown into the new year. That’s how oga’s penis entered me as we entered the new year. Have you ever had sex to the sound of fireworks? It’s like making love in a warzone. I started the new year with an orgasm and it’s safe to say that makeup sex >>>>>.

7. Oluchi, I slept into the new year

All my life, I have had to spend new year’s eve in church with my family, praying for a better year. I recently got my own apartment so I’m made my own rules. New year’s eve, I drank, smoked, listened to music and slept off watching Family Guy. I woke up to missed calls and messages from family members wishing me a happy new year.

donation]
1. People that borrow money and refuse to pay us back.

2. Buka servers that are miserly with actual stew and only pour oil all over the rice.

3. People that disrespect the glorious delicacy that is amala.

4. Weddings that don’t serve small chops. Is that one a wedding or punishment?

5. Oversabi family members that only know how to ask when you are getting married.

6. Uncles that turn every small joke into a sermon.

7. People that don’t read Zikoko.

8. Supermarkets that have turned “sorry we don’t have change” to their side hustle.

9. Restaurants that always use “POS is not working” to disgrace someone.

10. Yoruba movies with bad subtitles. Lol we are joking oh we will manage it like that.

11. Boyfriends that only call you in the night after their real girlfriend has gone to bed.

12. “Aunty I can sew it” tailors.

13. Fitfam people that judge you for eating a whole cake by yourself.

14. People that waited for a whole year to change instead of just doing the thing immediately.
1. You foolishly finished all your money in December on Christmas rocks.

2. And January was just looking at you like:

3. When you check your bank account on the first week of January:

4. On top of all that gbese, you now have to pay school fees.

5. Your onigbeses, when you call them to ask for your money:

6. When you want to be a better person in 2017 but January is already trying you:

7. When your boss asks you to resume on January 2:

8. So you kuku break all your resolutions on the 15th because you cannot come and die.

9. You, when January finally comes to an end:
1. When your cousins and friends are leaving to go back to work/school.

2. When you check your bank account after all the festivities.

3. When you take a proper look at your New Years Resolutions you’re like:

4. When you realise you have to go back to work and meet your boss.

5. When your colleagues start all their “new year, new me” nonsense for the first week.

6. When it’s almost March but people are still saying “happy new year”.

7. When your boss tries to do overnight transformation on the company because “new year”.

8. When you realise that nothing has changed but the date.
Believe us, we know 2016 has been very tough! From the economy that is dancing azonto to personal heartbreaks, we all need some form of inspiration before we finally get to sign out from 2016. These songs will do just that!
1. ‘Surulere’ -Dr Sid ft Donjazzy

Because there’s light at the end of 2016.
2. ‘Rise’ -Katy Perry

Don’t break! Victory is in your veins!
3. ‘Fight Song’ – Rachel Platten

For all of us who don’t plan on giving up. Ever!
4. ‘Bring It On’- PSquare

Hey 2016, is this all you’ve got?
5. ‘Alive’ – Sia

After everything, you are still alive. ALIVE!
6. ‘Great Nation’ – Timi Dakolo

Nigeria needs inspiration too abeg! She don suffer!
7. ‘Mercy’ – Banky W

Have mercy, Lord!
8. ‘The Sun Is Rising’ – Britt Nicole

You’re gonna make it! Just hold on!
9. ‘Bang My Head’ – David Guetta Ft Sia, Fetty Wap

You’ll rise above it all, we promise. Don’t actually bang your head against the wall, please and thank you!
10. ‘Life (Walaahi)’ – R2Bees

‘So keep doing whachu doing and don’t watch nobody!’
You know how Nigerian churches have a motto for every year? No? Okay, now you know. Take this quiz to know your motto for 2016, Zikoko style of course!
1. All the parties have caught up with you and now you are half dead

2. Financially you are destroyed

3. Like your situation isn’t dire enough, everyone is doing “New Year new me” so the prices of everything in all the stores have gone up

4. Yet everyone still expects you to “do New Year” for them

5. You this morning, realising you have to go back to the office

6. And you see your office nemesis still has not resigned even though you begged God to do it for you as a new years gift

7. Your boss is still alive

8. Traffic has come back with a vengeance

9. But at least the IJGB’s have carried their wahala and gone

10. Then you realise you still have no significant other and valentines day is around corner

Written by Zikoko contributor @Jollz
Because let’s be honest, you will break it.
1. Realizing those bowls of eba and slices of pizza have started taking you away from the road to FitFam.

This food will not eat itself please.
2. Staying calm and minding your business until Lagos traffic made you insult everybody around you.

Lagos traffic is not for the meek.
3. Getting tired on the first day of work after resolving to be more diligent at the office.

Can we have another public holiday next week please?
4. Skipping the first Friday/Sunday service of the year even though you planned to be more religious throughout the year.

Shebi God will understand now.
5. Already getting curved by a potential bae and it’s not even February yet.

Perhaps I will be alone forever?
6. Getting too drunk on 1st of January after resolving to quit alcohol.

This life is per head abeg.
7. Resetting all the 5 alarms that woke you up every morning of the past year.

5 more minutes of sleep please.
8. When you have already given up on having a tidy room for the rest of the year.

I can’t kill myself abeg.
9. When fuel scarcity and inflation are already preventing you from that good life you planned on having.

Hay God!
10. When you’re already too broke to start meeting your savings goals.

Cries in empty bank account.
How many of your resolutions have you kept or failed at? Let us know.

1. Sarah, Day dreaming of penis

2. Grace, Playing video games with my man

3. Lara, A blunt, phone sex and Jesus

4. Zainab, Lagos traffic gave me the best gift

5. Nneka, Twitter drama and music

6. Temi, Intense penising to fireworks

7. Oluchi, I slept into the new year

1. People that borrow money and refuse to pay us back.

2. Buka servers that are miserly with actual stew and only pour oil all over the rice.

3. People that disrespect the glorious delicacy that is amala.

4. Weddings that don’t serve small chops. Is that one a wedding or punishment?

5. Oversabi family members that only know how to ask when you are getting married.

6. Uncles that turn every small joke into a sermon.

7. People that don’t read Zikoko.

8. Supermarkets that have turned “sorry we don’t have change” to their side hustle.

9. Restaurants that always use “POS is not working” to disgrace someone.

10. Yoruba movies with bad subtitles. Lol we are joking oh we will manage it like that.

11. Boyfriends that only call you in the night after their real girlfriend has gone to bed.

12. “Aunty I can sew it” tailors.

13. Fitfam people that judge you for eating a whole cake by yourself.

14. People that waited for a whole year to change instead of just doing the thing immediately.

1. You foolishly finished all your money in December on Christmas rocks.

2. And January was just looking at you like:

3. When you check your bank account on the first week of January:

4. On top of all that gbese, you now have to pay school fees.

5. Your onigbeses, when you call them to ask for your money:

6. When you want to be a better person in 2017 but January is already trying you:

7. When your boss asks you to resume on January 2:

8. So you kuku break all your resolutions on the 15th because you cannot come and die.

9. You, when January finally comes to an end:

1. When your cousins and friends are leaving to go back to work/school.

2. When you check your bank account after all the festivities.

3. When you take a proper look at your New Years Resolutions you’re like:

4. When you realise you have to go back to work and meet your boss.

5. When your colleagues start all their “new year, new me” nonsense for the first week.

6. When it’s almost March but people are still saying “happy new year”.

7. When your boss tries to do overnight transformation on the company because “new year”.

8. When you realise that nothing has changed but the date.

1. ‘Surulere’ -Dr Sid ft Donjazzy

2. ‘Rise’ -Katy Perry

3. ‘Fight Song’ – Rachel Platten

4. ‘Bring It On’- PSquare

5. ‘Alive’ – Sia

6. ‘Great Nation’ – Timi Dakolo

7. ‘Mercy’ – Banky W

8. ‘The Sun Is Rising’ – Britt Nicole

9. ‘Bang My Head’ – David Guetta Ft Sia, Fetty Wap

10. ‘Life (Walaahi)’ – R2Bees

You know how Nigerian churches have a motto for every year? No? Okay, now you know. Take this quiz to know your motto for 2016, Zikoko style of course!

1. All the parties have caught up with you and now you are half dead

2. Financially you are destroyed

3. Like your situation isn’t dire enough, everyone is doing “New Year new me” so the prices of everything in all the stores have gone up

4. Yet everyone still expects you to “do New Year” for them

5. You this morning, realising you have to go back to the office

6. And you see your office nemesis still has not resigned even though you begged God to do it for you as a new years gift

7. Your boss is still alive

8. Traffic has come back with a vengeance

9. But at least the IJGB’s have carried their wahala and gone

10. Then you realise you still have no significant other and valentines day is around corner

1. Realizing those bowls of eba and slices of pizza have started taking you away from the road to FitFam.

2. Staying calm and minding your business until Lagos traffic made you insult everybody around you.

3. Getting tired on the first day of work after resolving to be more diligent at the office.

4. Skipping the first Friday/Sunday service of the year even though you planned to be more religious throughout the year.

5. Already getting curved by a potential bae and it’s not even February yet.

6. Getting too drunk on 1st of January after resolving to quit alcohol.

7. Resetting all the 5 alarms that woke you up every morning of the past year.

8. When you have already given up on having a tidy room for the rest of the year.

9. When fuel scarcity and inflation are already preventing you from that good life you planned on having.

10. When you’re already too broke to start meeting your savings goals.

How many of your resolutions have you kept or failed at? Let us know.