• Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a woman in her 40s who has been divorced three times. She talks about how not using protection and the lack of safe clinics for abortion in Nigeria affected her Sex Life. 

    When did you have sex for the first time?

    Ah. That was a long time ago. Maybe when I was 16. I can’t remember. I had just finished secondary school and I didn’t know what came next. So I went to stay with my aunty in another state for a while. Then I met this guy in the neighborhood. Every day, after me and the other children finished our chores, we would hang around in the neighborhood. That’s how I started hanging out with him and before I knew it, I was pregnant.

    Wow. Did you have sex with him more than once?

    A LOT. In a day, maybe 3 times. We were having sex every day except maybe weekends. That one I’m sure of. That guy had a sweet mouth oh. He’d promise to buy me this and buy me that. I think the very first time, he promised to buy me biscuit* if I let him touch my breast. Me too, I asked myself, what’s the big deal? But from breast touching, it led to something else and we had sex for the first time inside one uncompleted building. 

    Wow. Lol. What did you think about sex before this experience?

    Nothing much. I grew up with my father and his own was if you’re having sex, just don’t let him finish inside you. He told me and my brothers this — they weren’t to ‘finish’ inside anybody. That it’s not easy to raise a child. That he won’t have had us if he had sense.. Then I had an aunty that used to call it the forbidden fruit when gisting with her friends. But other than these, nobody was talking to me about sex. 

    So how did sex become regular between you and this guy?

    Once I had sex that first time, walahi, I didn’t know how to stop. It was so sweet, I went to look for him at his house the next day. The only thing was that we had to be careful, so  other people didn’t find out. It wasn’t good for a young woman to be seen with men anyhow back then. Everyone would just conclude that they’re having sex.

    Did you continue to have sex in uncompleted buildings?

    Hahaha. We found other places. One time in the night, it was inside an old car parked on the street. Then another time, we went for one programme and before we knew it, we were having sex at the back of the building, near the toilet. In fact there’s no place we didn’t have sex. Although we had sex in his house and my Aunty’s house a few times, those were once in a while. We didn’t want to get caught by our family. 

    When did you discover you were pregnant?

    After about three weeks, I went back to Lagos and then I did not see my period. I started praying. That this period should better show its face. I had just started a job — I was so tired all the time. Somehow, my father found out and, well, he asked who the father was. I told him I didn’t know. 

    My brothers were ready to find him and beat him, so I had to protect him. My father asked if I wanted to keep it. I said yes. I didn’t think I had a choice. All the while, me and this guy had already started love. We would write letters to each other. He was going to move to Lagos. And when I told him I was pregnant, he was happy. He wanted to get married. 

    Did you get married? 

    Married? At a very young age. No oh. We were both young. He didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a good job. I said no, please. But I asked if he could support me and the baby. 

    Did he? 

    For a few months after I had my child. Then he stopped when he heard I was with another man. And truth be told, I was just sleeping with this other man for money. 

    What was sex like with this other man? 

    It was okay. But you see, I didn’t like him like that, so I think it affected the sex with him. The only reason I kept doing it was the money. He would give me money to buy something for myself, but I would use it to buy something for my baby. My father and brothers were supportive, but there’s nothing like having your own money as a woman. 

    Did the guy know you were just sleeping with him for the money?

    He knew. 

    Ah. Seriously?

    Yes. It’s not as if I told him but he knew that if money didn’t drop, there was no way I’d come to his house. And I didn’t feel bad. Why should I feel bad for something I will still do for free? Money is the principal thing in this life. 

    Can’t fault that. So how long did that go on for?

    For about two years, off and on. In fact, he even got married at some point, but he would still come to me for sex. Then he even promised he would marry me so that I would be his second wife. I was about 20 or so then, but I still didn’t want to be married. Talkless of being a second wife. So I ended it. The mistake I made was that I still wasn’t using contraception or condoms. 

    Why weren’t you using contraception? 

    I didn’t know anything about them to be honest. 

    What happened next?

    I got pregnant again. I found out after we ended it. I was going to abort, but an old classmate had just died from abortion. So I was very scared. And this time, my father said I should go and get married oh. That he doesn’t care if I’m the second or tenth wife. 

    I’m sure it wasn’t funny then.

    It wasn’t. I didn’t want to get married, so my “forbidden fruit” aunty intervened. I started to live with her with my daughter. Because I was living with her, I started to learn more about sex and knew that I could use condoms. She would buy me a lot of condoms sometimes.

    Did she tell you about birth control?

    No. But I knew about them when I went to a clinic for a checkup. A nurse was talking about it and that’s how I knew.  But when I came to get one, they didn’t give me. They said I had to come with my husband. Another clinic said the same thing —  they didn’t even allow me to see the doctor. I told them I was not married and the woman, an old woman — I think she was a nurse —  said that I should just stop sleeping around. 

    Wow. 

    Yes and because I had two children without being married, people said all sorts of things about me. That I was a prostitute, and if they said it when I was passing, I would ask, “and so what?” They said I would never find a man to marry because no man wanted to marry someone with children from different men, and I carried face because who needs men? All they know how to do is sleep, eat and have sex — and they never want to use condom. 

    People don’t know how to mind their business. 

    People ehn. Eventually, I met a guy that I really liked, we dated for a long time because I didn’t want to rush to have sex and then get pregnant. But one day, I went to see him in his house and I couldn’t hold it anymore, so we had sex. 

    How was it?

    It was sweet. He knew how to do things that the other men I had been with didn’t. I really enjoyed it. I was really blinded by this, so we ended up getting married. He was my first husband.  

    First husband? 

    Hahahaha. Yes. First husband. We didn’t last. I’ve had the misfortune of being with men that are somehow. This one was a drunk. At least that’s better than husband number 2 that was a beater. 

    Wait. Two husbands. 

    Actually, three. 

    I have a lot of questions.

    Oya. 

    Were you legally married to all of them? 

    Yes. Traditional wedding. 

    And divorced legally from all of them? 

    I carried my things and walked away

    Haha. Energy. Did you have any children for them?

    Two for the first and the second man respectively.

    What about the third husband?

    Having a baby just never worked out. I was so happy! He was the one that left me — said that my eggs have finished.   

    Still no birth control or condoms? 

    All the time I was married, I was begging them to use condoms, but they never agreed to it — that it was necessary for me to have children for them.

    Nawa oh.

    And that sex was better without condoms. I did not want children at all. I was tired. 

    In all this time, had your thoughts about sex changed?

    Sex? I had even forgotten what sex was. Marrying was just so that I look respectable in society. So that nobody goes around insulting me or my children. 

    Did it work?

    Somehow. But being divorced meant I still received the same insults. They don’t want to know why you left. As long as you don’t have a man around, you’re not a serious woman. 

    I wasn’t thinking about sex at all. The men I married, like most men, really liked sex. They wanted sex all the time and I would lie down there and let them do their thing. While thinking about other things like where is tomorrow’s food going to come from? When you don’t have plenty money like that, you won’t be thinking about sex as something to enjoy. The men too, they will just do their thing, four or five minutes and they’re done. No kissing, nothing. 

    How is your sex life nowadays?

    It’s hard for a woman my age to meet good men. But I met one man recently and it has been nice. I forgot what sex could feel like. But now I remember. There are things we do that I’ve never tried before, even when I was younger. He really takes his time with me. I feel like a young girl again. Importantly, he knows that he’s supposed to use condoms.

    I also have another man that is looking at me. This one has money and he buys me things. If he asks me to marry him, I probably will because I know he will take care of me. And I can take care of my children. 

    What about the first guy?

    He’s nice for the sex but not as a husband or father. 

    If you had to score your sex life, what sccore will you give it over ten? 

    Wo, maybe 5. I don’t really know. Sex is nice oh. But it’s not the thing on my mind at all. 

    What’s on your mind?

    Money. Going back to school to make something of myself. 

    If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?

    I would have been more careful with sex and made the men I slept with use condoms. I love my children but maybe I would have had abortions if there were safe clinics.


    This interview took place in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.

  • To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new instalment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.

    This week, a young woman shares with us, her history of abuse in the hands of a maid brought in to care for her home. This experience marred her childhood and perhaps life for good.

    When I was three going on four, I was the size of a kitten somehow cursed with the curiosity of 9 cats. What I lacked in centimetres, I made up for in the sheer volume of questions I produced: what was holding the sky up? Did she swallow her baby? How come you get to tell me what to do? I had an excess of inquiries and a minimum of tact. Proportions which served me right until it came time to question why the maid, under whose care I was carefully placed, was just as carefully inserting appendages slick with Vaseline, into parts of me I was warned were not for outside viewing.

    I never once queried her directive that no one be told of our ‘games’. And while 3, going on 4-year old me knew it was weird, it never crossed my lips to question why she only seemed to play these ‘games’ when no one else was around.

    Illustration by Celia Jacobs.

    It’s funny how guarded parents are when it comes to interactions between their children and known family and acquaintances. Show me a Nigerian child who wasn’t warned via eye movements alone to avoid an Uncle’s gifts or that aunt’s embrace and I’ll show you a miracle. Yet somehow, when it comes to near-strangers, these same guard rails are shifted to the side, to make for easier access to unsuspecting children — picking them from school, making their meals, sharing their rooms.

    From what I recall, *Gladis was a Benenoise national given to torrents of rapid French when her limited English couldn’t pass a message across. She was to look after my two older siblings and I (all yet to reach adolescence), and keep our house in order, to ease the load off our civil-servant parents. A perfect stranger, I imagine her presence in our home was made possible through the greasing of some palms and the wringing of others ⁠— family and friends sad to see her go.

    Perhaps as punishment for separation from her family, Gladys thought to ruin mine, starting with the smallest member she could literally get her hands on – me. And while time and the sheer will to forget have taken the worst of my memories of abuse from me, some experiences linger – being made to sit astride her while she appeared to playfully bounce me — movements which was anything but innocent. Inappropriate touching while she undressed me fresh from primary school, sometimes making me play the games on her instead.

    Illustration by Celia Jacobs.

    But perhaps her most wicked act was stealing the innocence of my childhood. At 3, I was Incapable of computing hundreds tens and units, but already I was fluent in the well language of excuses and silence that are usual markers of abuse victims. I’m not too sure how long I was a mark for her, a year, perhaps more. But it has been decades and decades since I’ve had the torment of seeing her face and yet, I still hold on to that silence.

  • Every week, Zikoko asks anonymous people to give us a window into their relationship with the Naira. Some will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie–but all the time, it’ll be revealing.

    This episode was pulled off in partnership with ARM Life. They’re making it easy to get started with insurance. So make the first move and start here.

    Today’s story is about a Septuagenarian. She’s done everything from secretarial work to hospitality, and trade. All of this with one goal; to give the best life possible for her kids. This conversation happened in Yoruba, and this is an attempt at translating it to English, all without losing the yorubaness.


    Tell me about your first job.

    I worked at the Health Department of the Lagos City Council. I started working there in 1969, and I was 20 at the time – that’s when I got married. My salary was £16 and we used to get a Danger Allowance, because of the department we worked in – another £2.

    Ah, Pounds.

    Yes, Nigeria still used the pounds back then, and it was the same value as the British pound. I worked there till 1971, and then I travelled to go and join my husband, who was in the UK at the time. In Britain, I got a secretarial job that I didn’t like very much. It kept me seated too much. So I took the City and Guilds Certificate, 1 and 2, in catering. A few years later, we returned to Nigeria in 1975, and it was a different country.

    The Naira?

    Yes. At this time, I already had three kids. Even the hand drive changed. I got a job as a Restaurant Supervisor at Eko Holiday Inn in 1975 – I was 26. You people now know it as Eko Hotel. I was expecting my 4th child at the time.

    Interesting. 

    Yes. It was a joint venture by the government and some Americans. But we mostly worked with the Americans. My first salary was ₦375. To be honest, Jakande didn’t really care about the hotel business. A lot of his attention was on education and housing. 

    I had to be at Eko Hotel before 6 am. We were living on the Mainland but good thing was, in those days we had staff buses to pick us up and drop us off at our stops. 

    One funny thing that happened a lot in those days is this. My husband worked somewhere not too far from me. And he always wanted to come to pick me up, but then, sometimes, he’d have come and I’d have left with the staff bus. Can you imagine all that frustration was because we didn’t have phones that everyone has now?

    By the time I resigned in 1981, my last salary was a little over ₦700.

    Why did you resign?

    My child was born prematurely. And there was the fear that if there wasn’t enough care, the child won’t survive. My husband used to say “If this child dies, it’s on you.”

    You know, when I was leaving, the personnel manager did everything to keep me. In fact, they came to the house officially asking that I return. I didn’t. 

    But at the time, I’d already started doing some business on the side. I had a friend who travelled a lot, so she helped me buy things I could sell while I still worked at the Hotel restaurant. She had a shop at Tejuoso Market then, and she encouraged me to open one too. 

    So I opened my shop in Tejuoso Market in 1981.

    How much did a shop cost at the time?

    It cost less than ₦5,000 to set up. About ₦120 per month. Restocking used to cost me about ₦2,000, and how did I restock? Only from buying from abroad.

    Setting up wasn’t difficult at the time. I remember I even got a car loan while I was still at that job – ₦1700. Ah, Nigeria ti bàjẹ́.

    Back then, when you get the car loan, you could buy a Volks. A Volks didn’t even cost up to ₦1,000. A Toyota Corolla cost under ₦2,000 – my husband bought this one. It was pretty and had so much room. 

    Toyota Corolla: Helping Baby Boys since (before) 1979

    I used my car loan to buy a pick-up truck. I was using it to carry canned drinks for supply. I’d go pick them up at Ota, and then deliver at Apongbon.

    So you could even buy a car on your salary of two months?

    Daada! Even all the gold we used to buy in those days, how much did they cost? Fashion wasn’t hard at the time. Gold bangles were going for ₦120.

    What did you sell in your shop?

    Baby wares. Children’s clothes. Those days, if you haven’t bought Mothercare products for your child, it’s like you haven’t given birth. There weren’t any diapers, only napkins. 

    But around the time I started, there was one Igbo man in my neighbourhood. He used to go to Brazil to get car spare parts. He was the first person that made me start selling Johnson and Johnson diapers. He’d stock up his own container with my goods, and bring them to my shop. 

    The blessing was that my children also wore good clothes – the boys wore suits, the girls wore the best dresses. My last child at the time would come to the shop, and once he saw a toy, he’d cry till he got it hahaha.

    Business was really booming in those days.

    What changed?

    It started with a house fire in 1983. The things we lost, I can’t even begin to value. The shop was something I started to fill up the time while I was planning to start my catering business. Part of my profits from running the shop went into buying things I needed when I was ready. I didn’t have a warehouse, so things I couldn’t keep in my shop, I stored at the house. Cartons on cartons on cartons. 

    They all got burnt. 

    Wow. 

    We moved into a new place, and that cost ₦250/month in rent. It was a three-bedroom flat. Towards the end of the year, someone wanted to help me get a ₦25,000 loan that same year. That money was going to cover the capital to set up my catering business and pay two years rent. I was going to use my father’s properties as collateral, but my mother didn’t think it was a good idea. So I didn’t take the loan.

    The drought hit us proper in 1985. My husband also didn’t pick a better time to marry a second wife. Before then, our kids’ school fees were paid by whoever had money first. I paid, he paid. 

    When the second wife came, everything thinned out. We barely saw him. Sometimes, we didn’t even see him for weeks. Before this period, work made him go away for months at a time, so I was already used to not having him around in a sense.

    How did you cope?

    Business never really went back to how it was before that fire, but we managed. That shop was literally how our family survived. My baby sister lived with me too at the time. We’d sell what we could sell, and buy food for the house for that day. The bulk shopping I used to do before became buy-as-you-have.

    What was bulk shopping like in the good days?

    I had another sister who was the Oga of bulk shopping, bless her soul. Once I gave her ₦200 in the early 80s, we were sorted. Do you know how many people were living with me? Three of my siblings and my own six children. My daily sales in those bulk shopping days used to be over ₦1000 on good days.
    In fact, I used to be part of a club. You people only talk about Ao Ẹbí, but we used to buy a lot of Aso Egbe.

    Squad goals.

    Illustration by Oshomah.

    Kini yen?

    Nothing ma. So, back to Aso Egbe.

    We called ourselves Club 8. We partied together and bought our clothes together. But by the mid to late 80s, I couldn’t keep up. I had kids to feed, and their suffering was too difficult for me to bear. My baby sister and first daughter got into tertiary school. You had to pay for their hostel rent, school fees, and you had to buy their hand-outs. 

    Whenever my daughter and baby sister came home and there wasn’t money, they’d take a few things from the shop and go sell in school to lecturers. That was how they survived. It got to a point, by the late 80s, where I could no longer continue selling baby wares. I had friends travelling, who’d help me buy shoes for adults, male and female, and I started going from office to office, selling them. 

    How did you pull off the school fees struggle?

    At the biggest school fees stretch, I was paying the school fees of 7 people, my kids and my baby sister’s. When my last born came, I couldn’t afford private school for her, so she went to one of these under-the-tree schools in the neighbourhood. 

    At some point, I could no longer afford private school for two of my older boys too, so I moved two of the kids out of private school, and took them to public school – Jakande made those free and that saved our lives. 

    All you had to do was buy books, uniform, and give them attention. 

    Where was he – your husband – all this while?

    Oh, he said he was raised by his mother too. And so, I should raise my kids too. And it wasn’t just me. He did it to his second wife. If she wasn’t fortunate enough to be able to send her children abroad, she wouldn’t have survived. She faced the same struggles too. She was hustling to pay ₦150 school fees too. 

    So, all he was doing was having children. What was he using his money for?

    I dunno for him o. To be honest, there was a time he quit the safety of a job and tried to start a company, and that was a tough period for him. In fact, it’s in between all of this he married his second wife, and everything just crumbled for him. He sold his two vehicles, a bus and a car. 

    Was this how they used to do, these men?

    Most of them were like that. But there were some who were good homebuilders, despite being polygamous in some cases. They were present for their families. All the while, he blamed me for having all the kids. 

    Why didn’t your husband use birth control?

    I even used at some point, but I’m just unfortunate with birth control. I used the coil but somehow got pregnant. When my child was born, he was holding the coil in his hand. The doctors at that time said I was 1 out of 100, and I was like, why me? 

    The IUD (coil) is a small, T-shaped contraceptive device inserted into the womb to prevent pregnancy.

    Why…why didn’t you leave?

    The kids. I kept wanting them to be present in his life. And him in theirs. 

    The times are changing though. 

    Do women these days have time for nonsense? They would have flung the man away since. Nobody is waiting around for someone who won’t give them love and give the kids attention. 

    Okay, back to work.

    I kept trying out things to sell and make a living, and by 1988, I started travelling to Aba.

    Ariara Market?

    Haha. Ariyariya. I used to go and buy cut-and-sew. We walked the length and breadth of the market in those days. The roads were good, and. How much did it cost from Lagos to Aba by bus? ₦120. 

    Hayyy

    Bẹ̀ẹni! We didn’t have to worry about anything on the road. I used to travel with Emerald Motors at Jibowu. Then there was Young Shall Grow. Okechukwu. 

    The Young Really Grew. 

    Yes o. They didn’t have enough vehicles then. Emerald was the reigning one, but when the owner died, the business died too. Even Ojukwu had his own bus line then. 

    Aba was really pleasant. When I wanted to start that business, I didn’t even have up to ₦10,000. 

    Again, my husband was saying “Why are you risking your life and leaving these children at home.” As if we were even seeing him at home. Hahaha. 

    He was giving you trouble at the time? 

    You see, the way he switched when he married a second wife ehn? He just became bitter. So, I just focused on making sure that I could give the kids the best things possible. 

    What was the most popular order in Eko Hotel?

    Jollof Rice and Chicken Peri-Peri. A plate went for ₦180. There were different restaurants – Kuramo, Summit Restaurant at the rooftop. We moved from restaurant to restaurant, but I worked at Kuramo as a Supervisor.

    How stressful must it have been? 

    It was stressful, but it was good work. My health started to deteriorate shortly after I left. I started treating hypertension in 1983 at the age of 34. When I eventually got rushed to the hospital a few years later, the doctors said I was “very lucky”, because if I had delayed treatment, it would have killed me. 

    Something else came in 1996. One of the kids fell ill, so we went to the hospital. I was just lying down on a bench, exhausted, when this doctor came in and asked if I was okay. He randomly observed me for a few minutes. Then he asked me if I was hypertensive. I told him I was.  

    I think it was his instinct, but he asked to run some tests on me, and when it was done, he screamed.

    What was it? 

    Diabetes. The doctor said ‘ah! 400!’ I didn’t even know what diabetes meant: there wasn’t that much awareness about diabetes at the time.

    I told the doctor that the child I brought, I hadn’t even paid money. Where was I going to get money to pay for mine? Hahaha.

    Wow.

    I was still travelling to Aba in all this time, while at the same time trying to arrange flight tickets for my son, who was going to the UK. I paid for all of it without his father. I think it was about ₦25,000 in the mid-90s. It could have been easier for us to arrange that travel because he was a British citizen. 

    What made it hard? 

    Abacha. There was some embargo on the Nigerian government, and British citizens could only fly from Ghana. That would have cost more money. 

    All that travelling and stress must have taken its toll on your health. When did you eventually stop working?

    I stopped going to Aba in 1998. Do you know what I loved about Aba? Many of them were kind. When you become a regular customer, you can show up with the money for 5k worth of goods, and they’d tell you to take 10k’s worth. Because they knew you’d come back, and pay up. That helped a lot.
    I dunno if it’s still possible today, but I hope your generation eventually gets it easy.

    I travelled in 2002. At this time, two of my children were now in the UK. I really just wanted to go take a break, and see my daughter – I hadn’t seen her in four years. I needed to see how comfortable she was. She was still a teenager when she left. That was also tough for her.

    I spent almost a year there, and when I came back, I was still trying to buy and sell things and chasing debtors. 

    Looks like debtors were stressful. 

    Yes, they were. People in offices, for example, would take things on credit and pay at the end of the month. And I don’t blame them because they also couldn’t afford to pay till the end of the month, but my children had to eat. 

    The food sellers in our neighbourhood were really understanding. They let the kids come and buy food and kept a tab open for me. So I paid when I had money. 

    That year, we moved into our own house. My husband had been building one. By the time we were moving out of the house we lived in, it cost ₦5,500 per month. A lot of it was still incomplete. 

    Do you want to know how much we bought the land? ₦25,000 in 1992. I contributed ₦8000. 

    With all of what you know and have experienced now, what would you do if you could travel back in time? 

    Hahaha. Let’s just be glad I survived. You know, when things happen, it’s impossible to tell outcomes. If I died, my children’s lives would have still continued somehow. They were courageous. 

    I’m really grateful.

    How is old age? 

    Boring. I’m grateful that I have children who send me money for my welfare. I never have to worry about medicine. But the hardest part about being old for me is that all the places I could go, You can’t move around as much because your body is weak. Some of the things you did with ease when you were younger, now need an extra hand.

    I’m treating Diabetes, hypertension, and osteoporosis. My meds are taken care of by my kids. I have no pension. No insurance.

    Investments?

    My kids hahaha. They’re my pension and my insurance.

    They send money, but, even that no longer feels enough. I’d love to talk to them. And my grandchildren. I can’t always do that now, and those times when I can’t hear from anyone, I feel lonely. It used to make me very bitter – the loneliness – but not anymore.

    Their father talks about it now, about how much of a lucky man he is. And despite the fact that they remember everything, the children don’t hate him. 

    Are you happy now?

    I used to be bitter a lot. All that suffering alone. Now I’m just thankful, the kids are doing fine.

    Thank you for making me remember all of this. It’s so easy to forget.


    When life throws things at us, the greatest help we need in those times is a strong safety net, like insurance. Whether it’s a fire or a school fees, the right insurance policy will make life easy to face.
    Find out how to get started here.

    Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people.
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    Every story in this series can be found here.

  • So I was lying on the floor of my windowless bedroom last night listening to the award-winning soundtrack for horror movie  The Omen (1976) when I suddenly thought of some children’s games and how they could benefit from a few violent upgrades.

     

    I wish there was a more exciting backstory for what started the train of thought that led to this but that’s pretty much it. Think of this exercise as the answer to the question: What if your childhood games were made into movies by Quentin Tarantino?

     

    Let’s get into it.

     

     

    1. Tinko Tinko

    For those that never played it, this two-player game involves a lot of interchanging slapping of the front and back of the palms with a cheerleader style chant. The game keeps going until one person misses.

     

    I propose that whoever misses gets their wrists broken.

    2. Jump Rope

    Jumping rope really upsets me because it wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was invented as a way to trick kids into exercising. Anyway, while it can be fun (when the rope is held by two others and the person in the middle only has to focus on jumping), it can get repetitive.

     

    To that effect, I propose that tiny razor blades be embedded in the rope so that the jumper’s shins are sliced if they miss.

    3. Musical Chairs

    When it comes down to two kids and one chair, stop the game, give them weapons, and have them fight each other for it.

    4. Change your style

    “Change your style! Another style! Another style! BE LIKE THAT!”

     

    The person leading the game yells for everyone to strike two poses (which they do) and then tells them to freeze in their last pose while he/she tries to make them “break character” without physical contact. Whoever breaks character first by moving, loses.

     

    I remember using “change your style” to practice for the modelling career I hoped I’d have at this point, so talking about it hurts like hell. That being said, I propose that whoever breaks character first gets punched in the stomach until they throw up.

     

     

    5. Police and Thief

    Every kid wants to be one of the thieves when playing this game because it’s more fun. So to make the role of the police more appealing, I suggest that they’re equipped with stun guns, specifically the TASER X2. Its 30-second shock time of 50,000 volts of electricity will override the central nervous system and limit muscular control of anyone its fired at, ensuring that there will be no struggle when they’re being dragged to the makeshift prison.

    Pssssst! Over here 👋

    Because WLYSM! 💙

  • Most Nigerian parent-child relationships are pretty straightforward. Here’s a typical conversation in the average Nigerian home between a parent and a child:

    Parent: Do what I say. 

    Child: Okay. 

    Because the child doesn’t want to get thrown out of the house.

    But variety, they say, is the spice of life. Sometimes, things need to be shaken up. As a child in a Nigerian home, it is your responsibility to challenge the status quo and keep things exciting by subtly giving your parents the middle finger. Here are a few ways you can do that.

    1) Get a tattoo

    Get one really large tattoo or a lot of small tattoos that cover so much exposed surface area that they know your chances of getting employed are close to zero.

    2) Tell them you’re dropping out of school to follow your passion.

    Make it even better by declaring that your passion is something wildly unorthodox (at least by Nigerian standards) or terribly cliche like rapper or porn star.

    3) Tell them you’re gay.

    A classic.

    4) Tell them you don’t plan on getting married.

    “Because hoe is life, Mother!”

    5) Tell them you don’t plan on having kids.

    “Something is REALLY wrong with you! YOU BETTER GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN!!”

    6) Spike the family dinner with weed.

    Or replace the cooking salt with cocaine and record the hilarious hijinks that’ll ensue after consumption.

    7) Tell them you’re now an atheist.

    “My child is going to hell!”

    8) Tell them you want to change your last name because it sounds like the noise a blender makes.

    “So Gbajimiamila is suddenly too hard to pronounce abi? Get out of my house!”

    9) Tell them you got someone pregnant.

    “Because I ain’t raising no babies!

  • I’m walking home on a rather sunny evening, thinking about how I’m going to acquire my lamborghini, when I notice 2 kids who seem to be having a good time.

    Okay boy’s don’t forget talk to about what aunty taught you in school today.

    I decide to keep minding my business, since it seemed like a harmless gathering.

    “Let me be fast before these children come and ask me 2×2 that I don’t even remember”

    After increasing my pace, I had to pause when I heard one of them say “your daddy is a bombastic element”

    And the next kid replies; “You mean my daddy? it’s my own father you’re calling bombastic”

    I took a few steps back, and tried to ask..

    ..what’s going on here boys?

    It’s this American dustbin that called my own father a bombastic element, my father !

    Wawu this is getting serious o. But why did you say that to him?

    Haa aunty this boy is a Jabajantis stupendus liar.

    Meee! Ohh my life

    We were just playing oh, that’s how he said my head is like watermelon. Then I abused his daddy.

    Small abuse and he is now angry, rubbish

    Meanwhile, their noise had attracted all the kids on the street.

    Oyaa continue

    This boy is just an Unflushable toilet. Can’t you see his head? Was I lying aunty?

    The other kids were already shouting ‘yeeeeeee’

    Since I was the only old person there, I tried to counsel them.

    Everybody, just calm down, it’s not good to fight, if you fight you will go to hell fire.

    While I was being a saviour, one of the kids said ” this aunty is a nonsense and ingredient konkorbility, who put her mouth? “

    wait, but, what? what did I do?

    They all started laughing at me, and then I realised I had overstayed my welcome.

    I took a long miserable walk of shame back home.

    I wondered if they were alright, but realised even I wasn’t alright for not minding my business.

  • In a Nigerian home, there’s a very fine line between being a child and being an adult. 21 might be the official legal age for most things like voting or drinking but if you think that’s when you come of age then you are a joker. To prevent your parents from calling a family meeting on your head, here’s how you really know you’ve come of age in a Nigerian home.

    When your mum starts putting two pieces of meat on your rice.

    Is this me

    When they ask for your opinion during a family meeting.

    You mean you want my opinion??

    When you are still out at 7pm and your mother hasn’t called you ten times

    I don’t understand what’s happening right now

    When they start using style to ask you if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Is this a trick question?

    When your parents stop sending you pocket money just because you got one small job like that

    Am I not your child again?

    When they start asking you what you are still doing in their house.

    Is it not our house again?

    When they bring NEPA bill and your parents ask how much you are going to contribute

    But when did this one start?

    When your mum starts asking you for grandchildren

    Please ma stop this rough play

    When you can go out without dropping 5 working days notice

    Ehn sho mo age mi

    When during family prayer your parents only prayer point for you is to get married and leave their house.

    When did this one start?

    When you tell your parents you have a boyfriend and they reply ‘Thank God o!’

    Is it that serious?

    But the surest way to know you’ve come of age is when they give you signs you’re ready to become a parent. Are you ready to have a child? Watch this video to find out what Nigerians have to say about parenthood.

  • 1. When you get old enough, all the housework falls on you.

    Ah. Is that how it is?

    2. No matter how old you get, you will always be seen as the baby of the house.

    Even when you’re 60.

    3. When you collect bribes from your elder ones so you don’t snitch on them for breaking their curfew.

    You better pay if you want your secret kept.

    4. But your parents offer you more bribes so you end up still snitching on your siblings.

    I didn’t come to this world to suffer.

    5. If your elder one talks to you in a rude way and you reply the same way, they will start shouting “DISRESPECT”.

    But respect is reciprocal na.

    6. When your elder sibling’s boyfriend/girlfriend comes to visit and they try to turn you to their personal servant.

    It’s like this one is mad sha.

    7. When you were a kid and all you had to do to get what you wanted was cry.

    Master Manipulator!

    8. This is how your elder ones look at you when your relatives visit from abroad and bring presents for only you.

    Haters are gonna hate.

    9. When all your elder siblings start working and earning salaries so you tax them mercilessly.

    Give your baby brother something na.

    10. When someone bullies you at school so you show up the next day with your elder siblings to fight for you.

    Show us the person that beat you.

    If you liked this article about last born kids, then you’ll love this article about the benefits of living with your parents.

    5 Things We Love About Living With Our Parents
  • Every 22 March, the world celebrates World Water Day, but things are not as they seem

    Right now, the United Nations says it’s facing the worst humanitarian crisis since it was created in 1945, and 4 major countries will be affected by drought, famine and ultimately starvation

    1. Those countries include: Nigeria

    Northern Nigeria as well as the Lake Chad region is at serious risk. After suffering from terror attacks, extreme conditions may cause millions to die, including children. In some communities, all the toddlers have died, and adults are too weak to even walk.

    2. Somalia

    Somalia has suffered from terror-related conflict just like Northern Nigeria and in 2011, it suffered severe famine. Now, more than one million children under the age of 5 may die due to malnutrition this year.

    3. South Sudan

    The World’s youngest country, South Sudan’s famine is described as ‘handmade’, because of the 3-year-long civil war the country is currently facing. 7.4 million people need aid and 270,000 children face imminent death if they don’t get assistance.

    4. Yemen

    Yemen is the poorest Arab nation, but Saudi Arabia and Iraq are supporting two opposing factions that want to control the Yemeni government. The conflict has affected more than 12 million Yemenis who currently need both water and food.

    Want to help?

    UNHCR, Mercy Corps, Save The Children, UNICEF are some of the aid organisations helping to fight the crisis. Visit their websites for more information on how to donate.
  • 1. How your mom flogs you anytime she catches you sucking your thumb

    2. When your oversabi aunt comes and starts abusing you, you’re like

    3. When she now advises your mom to put bitter leaf on your thumb

    4. But you know your mom will never do that to you, so you’re like

    5. You, when you now see your mom buying bitter leaf

    6. You, when you want to suck in the midnight and the bitterness descends on you

    7. When you now finally realize what your mom has done, you’re like

    8. Your mom, when she sees the bitter leaf has not stopped your sucking

    9. When she now says she wants to put dry pepper on your hand

    10. You, when the pepper has finished you

    11. Anytime you feel like sucking and you remember the pepper, you’re like