The University and other tertiary institution campuses are the melting point of all sorts of experience. At the forefront are the people in their different elements. You can try and escape some, but there are others you can’t miss. The list is exhaustive, but here are some of them:
The Wannabe Politicians
No worries if it took you some time to realise that your campus mirrors the country in many ways. At the helm are the students politicians. You might have campaigned for them or belonged to one of their many WhatsApp groups when you were fresh, but by the end of your second year, you’d realised how identical they are with the ones you’ve known all your life.
The Religious-Centric Folks
If you are like me and you’ve tried to count the numbers of fellowships in your school, there is a chance that you gave up mid-way. It is not all about the fellowships, but the people — they are usually on the hunt for new members. They are reminiscent of the Jehovah Witness guys your parents liked to avoid when you were younger. The thing is you are not quite sure how to deal with them – on one hand, they are calling you to God (heh), but again, they can be really unrelenting. They could stop you at times when it is not convenient for you to talk, or knock on your doors during periods you aren’t intent on receiving anyone.
The Hall-Porters AKA Monitoring Spirits
One of the downsides of living in a school-managed hall of residence is the presence of the porters. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but some of them are the absolutely worst; bent on making your life miserable. They are always watching closely, waiting for you to slip and make mistakes so they can fully ease into their element, threatening you with eviction and other forms of sanctions.
At the same time, some of them can be pretty chill, especially if you grease their palms with something.
The C-T-Y Squad
For many male students who have been in the school system for some time, the beginning of every session means it is time to scout for new babes, and their targets are usually the fresh female students. You will see them prowl fresh students-congested areas. They have a mission, and they will do anything to get that number and everything that comes after it.
The Attendance-Obsessed Lecturers
They really care about numbers. Their first mission at every lecture is to pass the attendance register around. The extra ones will closely monitor the sheet of paper as it is being passed to make sure no one is signing in proxy
And oh, God help everyone if the class is not filled up as they would like – that means one thing—impromptu tests.
Miss-Me-With-This-Lecture-Thing
These are the reasons lecturers are extra with the attendance thing. The only times you are sure to see them is during course registrations, tests, and exams. A few sporadic appearances on some days, and that’s it.
Hey, Look at me, I’m brilliant
You don’t have to lie; these people lowkey make you rethink your desire to get a education – like why do you even bother? They have all the answers and will engage or debate topics with the lecturer effortlessly. You, on the other hand, can only contribute blank stares and occasional nods. Pele.
When you got admission into university, you were excited about a whole new life. You were ready to revel in a new kind of freedom, away from your parents and the annoying curfews and rules they set to curtail your movements. You thought about a lot of things: what to do, when to do it, how to have the most kind of fun in your new life without anyone overshadowing your movements or moments.
You thought about your prospective roommate(s) too, but you didn’t give them much thought. How bad could it be? Who could be as horrible as the sibling you shared your room with? If only you had known that there was horrible and there was horrible. Once the life started, you started to amass stories because of these people, these roommates and their varying behaviours:
The Annoying Cleaner
You always thought you were clean enough. Growing up, you always heard that cleanliness was next to Godliness. You had that shit on lock – or so you thought until you met your roommate, and started to wonder if they were overdoing it, or you were only not as clean as you thought. At first, you couldn’t care less, so you watched in amusement when they complained about a sock on the floor, or plates you hadn’t washed in days.
Then, it got real. You started to lose your stuff. At first, you thought you were tripping and blamed it on your forgetfulness. But it was happening way too much. You couldn’t be that forgetful. You did a little digging and found out your roommate had been moving your stuff because they thought they were what? Trash!!!
“How dare you call my #500 recharge card trash because it was on the floor? Stay in your lane, puhlease!”
You learned your lesson, though. Anything you needed was kept out of plain sight. Life could be easier, but you had to adapt.
The Irritating Slob
You probably thought your “please-this-place-could-be-cleaner-roommate” was the worst kind of person you would have to deal with. Heh! It was only a matter of time before you realised how wrong you were. You changed rooms and was prepared to settle into a new life. Your new roommate wasn’t overbearing as the last one. They didn’t trouble you over the littlest things. Ha, life was getting better.
Then you started to notice a strange pattern; how the room would not be swept for days at a time if you didn’t do it. How making the bed in the morning was not a concept your new roommate was comfortable with. How your new roommate was not a fan of washing the dishes they used until weeks or months had passed. How their shoes were strewn around in the room, and their clothes were in a heap in a corner waiting to be attended to. And the worst of all, how they were so comfortable in the mess they lived in – thriving even.
You realised what a fast life this was, because now, you were the irritable, overbearing one who needed to take things easier.
The Turn-up Freak
At this point, you thought about living alone, but it wasn’t up to you. Your account balance said no, so you forged on, ready for whatever came next. Again, you thought the worst had passed.
You met your new roommate, and they seemed okay. You even had a honeymoon phase when everything was perfect. The new roommate was outgoing but it didn’t bother you. Soon, it became your problem. They started keeping late-nights or early-mornings, disrupting whatever you thought was fun during these moments e.g sleep. They had lost their key too, so you had to be the designated, irritated, and unpaid doorkeeper. Again, you stayed because you didn’t have a choice. That too shall pass you said to yourself.
The Roommate Without A Leash
At this point, you had given up. You were ready to face anything. You switched roommates again, and in came the new one. You knew something was off immediately you saw them. Their “over-friendliness” signaled an ominous feeling. You would find out soon enough. It started from borrowing little things you didn’t care about like your pen or something.
Then, your clothes, shoes, and every other thing you cared about stopped being yours. All your talk about respecting boundaries fell into the void. You weren’t your own person, anymore. They owned you.
Your Twin Personality
Now, your spirit had been broken. You were going to have another roommate. You knew what to expect now; something about them would make your life miserable. Well, if that was it, it was it. You were only a pawn in the game. Things started smoothly, but you started to count down to when things would go horribly wrong.
Nothing happened. Not in the first week, second, or third. Nor in the first month, second, or third month. You started to let yourself believe that nothing would go wrong, and for the most part, you were right! It took some time, but you found a match. One experience you could reminisce about without a dry taste hanging in your throat.
It has now been 85 days since the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) began an indefinite nation-wide strike at a NEC meeting held at the Federal University of Technology, Akure. Since then, the union and the federal government have met 8 times, going back and forth in attempts to come to a conclusion that satisfies everyone.
Leaders of ASUU and federal government representatives during one of their meetings.
Which is why I was relieved when, after a closed-door meeting with the leaders of ASUU, Senator Chris Ngige announced that the FG had released N163bn to settle some of ASUU’s issues. I was like “THANK YOU, JESUS! FINALLY” and figured that it would only be a matter of time before the strike got called off.
My celebration was premature though because not long after, ASUU came through like a wrecking ball and were like:
How cool would it be if press releases were released in meme format?
Dr Ade Adejumo, the Ibadan Zonal Coordinator of ASUU, spilled all this tea in a statement released by the union, dramatically titled “Re: N163bn released to ASUU: Putting the record straight.” He said that along with being untrue, the federal government’s claim misinforms the general public that ASUU collects money from the government.
Here’s an excerpt from the statement:
But the question to ask now is:
Well, here’s what really happened.
You see, in an attempt to identify and fix specific problems in Nigeria’s education system, ASUU carried out a NEEDS assessment on it back in 2012. The result of that exercise is what is called the Needs AssessmentRevitalization Fund (i.e. the money that ASUU is currently fighting the FG for).
TETFund is an agency set up to provide supplementary support to public tertiary institutions. Speaking about the whole thing, ASUU’s national leader, Prof Biodun Ogunyemi, clarified that while the union did receive N163bn, it was from the TETFund and not from the Ministry of Education for the revitalization fund.
TRANSLATION:
The Federal Government is still an onigbese and needs to pay what it owes before the strike is called off.
All this is fucking terrible because while the FG is doing all it can to eschew responsibility, public university students around the country are stuck at home with their lives put on hold.
It’s a few days to the end of my internship, and I’ve been thinking about the coming weeks. My editor asked me a bunch of questions about my birthday, I found it weird and suspicious.
A bunch of conversations later, I ended up here.
1999
The 6 billionth human was born in 1999, and while I was also born that year, that human wasn’t me.
You know what else makes 1999 an important year? The first ASUU strike and the switch to the democratic government we’re ‘enjoying’ now.
Out with the military and in with the thunder. I wonder what those 5 months were like for students.
2001
I was a chubby baby, walking around the house causing mischief. I don’t know if my mum was tired of me draining milk from her body 49 times a day, but I ended up in Kindergarten.
While I was just starting school, University students were about to take another L for 3 months.
49 lecturers were sacked from the University of Ilorin and ASUU wasn’t having it. OBJ wasn’t ready to deal with their feelings, so he called them lazy Nigerian youth ‘lazy and ungrateful’.
2002
The baby boy was getting bigger and moving up the ladder. I like to imagine KG 2 was my boss year in Kindergarten.
I probably sat in the middle of the class, beside a pretty girl.
While I was enjoying my 3rd Christmas, ASUU was serving thunder again but not for very long.
The previous agreement had not been implemented and ASUU went on a 2-week long strike.
2003
Did anyone else have a long WWE wrestling phase? I know I did and it started when I was 4.
I’d come back home, speedily lose my uniform and beg my brother to play wrestling with me.
I always tried to do Kurt Angles ankle lock. Keyword being “tried”. ASUU too was experiencing trial and failure, the agreements still weren’t implemented.
While I was falling in love, ASUU embarked on the longest strike till date, a full 6 months.
2005
Four words – Lord of The Rings. The best movie of this century, argue with your pastor or priest. 6 years old and going outside every day.
After watching “Fellowship of The Ring”, I became Legolas with the bow.
The downside is that I may have fired it at my sister and got a major ass whooping that evening. University students were about to feel some heat too, as ASUU was getting ready to interrupt academic once again. 2 weeks later things were back to normal and I was scheming how to make another bow.
2006
The first time I ever heard the word ASUU was in 2006. My big brother was in his first year and I had outgrown wrestling.
To be honest I didn’t have a partner anymore so I lost interest. He came home one day, ASUU had issued a warning strike and it was safer being at home.
He was back to school a week later though.
2007
Being the only child at home when I was 8 was beyond boring. My sister was in year 1 now, she had left me too.
I had my mom and dad every day, but making the lives of your elder siblings a bit more stressful has a unique taste.
I was busy playing outside, as usual, some parts of me missing them, some parts wondering if I should make a new bow and risk my mom knocking my teeth out, and they strolled into the compound.
Surprise surprise, Asuu had done it again. But I didn’t care really, it was the best 3 months of 2007.
2008
Junior secondary was when the real survival course took place. Avoiding seniors, trying to get food during break time and having my first real encounter with the sorcery called Math.
Normally I’d cry to my brother or sister and get them to show me a few tricks, but they weren’t around.
The one time I needed Asuu and they betrayed me.
You can imagine my delight when I overheard a conversation between my mom and my brother, mentions of a strike and ASUU. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the chance to come home.
I failed Math that term. ASUU went on strike for a week over demands for an improved payment scheme and the 49 “lazy” lecturers from the University of Ilorin.
2009
I hit 10 in 2009. I was still a short yellow chubby-faced boy, taking more note of the world but still having adventures outside.
The term had ended earlier than usual and the fun was about to begin. I was getting ready to “shoot” some arrows when 2 familiar figures strolled through the gate.
It had happened again, but this time it wasn’t going to be as much fun. My siblings wanted to graduate, not stay at home and count trees.
Those were 4 long months but in October, my siblings were back to chasing the GPA.
2010
It was bye-bye and see you later a few days to my siblings a few days after my 11th birthday. Once again I was Lord of the house and I would run around naked, stamping my authority with my royal buttcheeks. It was way more fun than it sounds.
I was done with another term and happy the holidays were here but I didn’t expect to see my brother and sister for another few weeks. I stepped into the house and there they were. I knew the routine by now. On the bright side, my Math scores went higher in the following term.
It’s safe to say I stunted on everyone in my class but it didn’t matter much, an extra year had been added to my sibling’s graduation date as the strike lasted for over 5 months.
2011
Moving to a new state is a life-changing experience. I didn’t know what to expect. But 5 months in Lagos gave me a growth spurt and puberty. It wasn’t bad so far.
My siblings were schooling in another state so it was weird to see them come home early December. No one needed to tell me ASUU was pon the strike again.
It didn’t last very long and some days after my 13th birthday, they were off to school again. It was the year my brother graduated.
2013
When you’re in SS2/SS3 your biggest concerns are WAEC and end of term parties. Thanks to having siblings I was also thinking about ASUU and the coming battles. Luckily my brother had already graduated and my sister was months away from leaving school too.
She dodged the bullet by a few weeks and finished her exams just as ASUU went on strike for 5 months.
On the flip side, it made her NYSC service a full calendar year, with all the many public holidays for the good of her sanity.
2017
At 18 both my siblings were long done with school, it was just me now. After the riot that happened in my school during my first year, I was praying nothing would try to mess with my graduation date.
I should have used that time and energy to grow my Instagram honestly.
A few weeks into the second semester of year 2- like a thief in the night – ASUU came and did their magic. I started calculating how these people were about to mess with my graduation date but my God is bigger.
They called off the strike in September and it was back to hustling for the GPA.
2019
Now I’m in my final year, months away from escaping this psychological torture for a certificate I’m not sure will mean much and they have come again. When we’re talking about village people being online, it’s ASUU.
At this point, I don’t know how to feel about the strike anymore, but I’d still like to graduate this 2019. On one hand, I almost enjoy not being in school, being able to write, have a job and focus on my side hustle.
On the other hand, the sooner I leave this nightmare, the better. It looks like the strike will be called off soon, or it could last another 5 months as it did in January 1999.
Things are never as they seem in Nigeria.
One thing’s for sure now, I just want to be happier with a healthy bank account.
By the time you leave a Nigerian university, you’re probably thinking of yourself as a worn-out old person who can’t wait for a new life.
That’s because, by your third or fourth year, you’re probably saying this a lot – “I’m tired of this school”.
Becoming jaded takes time though.
Was it not last week that you took photos at Motion Ground and printed 20 copies for posterity?
Remember your face when you found out you’d been accepted into a university.
When you saw you wouldn’t have to write JAMB for one more year and you promised God that you would change the world.
Then you found out you had joined a glorified secondary school.
But you were still full of hope. Nothing could take you down.
But it all changed the first time your lecturer said you wouldn’t make it in life.
FY bro. Can you make an electro beat on FL?
Then ASUU collaborated with Thor to strike for the whole year
Because the thunder that should fire them is already keeping you at home.
When you decided you would make the best of the situation
“If we no get joy, wetin we gain” – Victor AD, 2018.
Then your grades started twisting and turning.
Looking at exam results like somebody has stolen your brain. That’s the only explanation.
The first time you got bullied.
You thought this thing ended in secondary school. Now you’re asking God why this particular affliction rose a second time.
That time you considered not going back after the holidays.
What’s the worst that could happen? Sell pink lips cream at Computer Village?
But you certainly look forward to joining the old guard in 400 level
It is your duty to maintain balance and order, one that is fulfilled by sharing wisdom in the form of parables like “Alligator na lizard wey go gym”.
Then it all comes to an end – and there’ll be only one song on your lips.
Welcome to the real world, the labour market, the school of hard knocks or whatever depressing name people use to describe life after university.
It’s true that things are hard out here but it’s down to how much effort you want to put in.
In the immortal words of the urban philosopher, J.Cole, “choose wisely”
