Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Dunni* (28) and Theresa* (29) met in secondary school and bonded over their love for art and reading.
But by university, a messy first heartbreak and a desire to become a pastor’s wife pushed Theresa down a religious path Dunni couldn’t follow, and it tore their friendship apart.
Tell me how you guys met.
Theresa* and I met in secondary school. We were in the same class in JSS1, and over the course of the year, we gravitated towards each other because of our shared love for books and art. We became good friends by the end of the year and stayed close after secondary school since we ended up at the same university.
What was your friendship like?
Wonderful. We spent all our free time creating fictional characters, drawing, or just gisting. But Theresa was very sensitive, so we got into disagreements a lot — usually from miscommunication or her misreading something I said as offensive. Still, we always managed to mend our rifts until we couldn’t.
What happened?
Surprisingly, I blame religion. Even though we’re both Christians, I think that’s what’s responsible for the distance between us now. We were raised in church— both Pentecostal— but didn’t attend the same one. We shared similar ideologies, like saving sex for marriage. But Theresa’s parents were hyper-religious and controlling. Every time she did something wrong or made them unhappy, she was “nailing Jesus to the cross again”. Theresa took that literally.
Once, in SS3, she kissed her crush and tried to go on a 40-day fast so Jesus would forgive her. We only found out when she collapsed in school on the third day. The school and her parents got involved. It was a dramatic scene, but I supported her through it.
The problem is, she never knew when to stop. She brought the same overzealous energy to university. In 2018, things got really extreme.
Tell me about that.
We studied different courses, so we didn’t see each other every day. Whenever we linked up, we’d update each other on happenings in our lives.
In March 2018, during one of our catch-up sessions, she told me about *Tomisin, a youth pastor she was dating. They seemed pretty serious and talked about marriage and starting a church. I was really happy for her. I thought being with someone who matched her faith and spirituality would help her learn to relate to it in a healthier way. But I was wrong.
How so?
That relationship was the worst thing for her. In May, she came to our catch-up session in tears. They’d made out that week, and she thought she was going to hell. I calmed her down like always, and we returned to our lives after that. But then she showed up weeks later, saying they’d started having sex.
Normally, I’d be happy for a friend getting some. But Theresa once spiralled from just hugging and kissing a boy. So I was worried. She told me she felt no guilt because they were planning a future together, but I wasn’t convinced.
I advised her to be cautious about diving in too deep with someone she’d just started dating.
How did she take that advice?
Terribly. She started yelling that I was jealous because she was getting married soon, while I was only in casual relationships. She said God would punish me for going against a union backed by the Holy Spirit and stormed off. I was really shocked and hurt that day. I called her, but it didn’t go through. I tried to send her a message on WhatsApp and realised she’d blocked me.
Ah. Did you ever try to confront her in person?
I tried to greet her a few times and she pretended not to hear me. I’d still see her around campus with Tomisin, but they ignored me. It hurt, but I had other friends, so I brushed it off and moved on. Then I heard some gist about them in June.
They broke up?
Precisely. Tomisin left Theresa for another babe in their fellowship. She was devastated, but I assumed she was too embarrassed to reach out.
But I didn’t let that stop me from being the bigger person. I know how first love can mess people up, so I reached out on Instagram and offered my assistance if she needed it.
What was her response?
She said I shouldn’t worry, that the devil was trying to ruin the “kingdom plans of God.” I was so confused. Theresa insisted they’d get back together and ghosted again.
And she was right. They had an on-and-off relationship for the rest of that year. At some point, she got pregnant and had to undergo a traumatic abortion. It affected her mentally and spiritually.
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That’s a lot.
I was sad I couldn’t support her. But our friendship never bounced back after that first fight.
In January 2019, when we resumed school for the last leg of our final year, Theresa had changed completely. I heard from some of our mutuals that she’d doubled down on religion over the Christmas break.. She preached against romantic relationships in campus shuttles, made videos on social media talking about how the devil uses sex to destroy the lives of young people, and she ditched her classes while at it. It was a crazy time.
What happened after that?
We graduated in 2019, but her obsession with becoming a pastor’s wife only intensified. I tried to reconnecting when we left university, but she said our friendship could only work if I could prove I was “passionate about Christ and his Kingdom”. I think I’m an okay Christian, but I’m not pious in that way. I also thought it was ridiculous to prove myself or my faith to her. I abandoned that conversation.
I still see her videos online. She’s different. I saw one where she was rolling on the dirt because a preacher touched her forehead with his handkerchief. It was jarring.
Do you miss your friendship with her?
Sometimes, yes. She was a really fun babe when she wasn’t being extra. Also, we were friends for a long time. It’s hard not to miss someone like that.
Would you be open to rekindling your friendship if she reached out?
It depends. I miss her, but I think we’ve outgrown our friendship. I’d still be open to being friends with her, but only if she’s a bit more laid-back.
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