Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
When Nifesimi* (25) told Ada* (24) he wanted them to get into a long-term relationship, she thought they were a match made in heaven.
In this Sunken Ships, Ada shares how her complicated relationship with Nifesimi bloomed and faded in four months and how she’s learning to cope in the aftermath.
What was the moment you realised that your relationship with Nifesimi was over?
When the usual check-in calls and texts I got in the morning, afternoon and midnight evaporated, I knew that something between us had changed for the worse. Nifesimi used to want to talk to me all the time, but all of a sudden, he became too busy to respond to me or pick my calls. It was nothing like when we first met.
Tell me about that. How did you meet Nifesimi?
It was early February 2025. I was scrolling on Instagram when I got a notification of a new follower. I checked who it was and saw it was Nifesimi, the really cute keyboardist in the church choir. Being in the choir myself, I had noticed him on the choir group chat when I was at school in Calabar. I saw him every week at rehearsals, but aside from the cordial greeting when we saw each other, we were no more than church acquaintances.
How did you become close?
We became close when he helped me mediate a big fight I had with one of the other choir members. We talked about it on Instagram, and he was my shoulder to cry on while I talked out my frustrations. I got so upset, I started crying, and he called me to calm me down. We ended up talking for hours. It was as if we had been close forever; it was a heady feeling. He even mentioned that night that talking to me was so soothing that it felt like therapy.
How did that connection make you feel?
I was excited, but wary. I had just come out of a messy, toxic relationship at the end of 2024, so I wasn’t keen on jumping into another thing so quickly. Nifesimi also said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He wanted us to be friends who confided in each other. But he would call me every morning, afternoon and night just to check in or flirt and also share about his day. Of course, the emotional lines started to blur shortly after.
How do you mean?
I get easily emotionally attached to people with whom I share a close rapport. When Nifesimi came into my life and suddenly started calling me multiple times a day, I found myself developing feelings for him despite my wariness and desire to be single for some time. He would call and text me in the middle of the night so I could wake up to his messages. He also started signing off our calls with “I love yous” that I responded to in kind. Soon enough, I was hooked, constantly looking for a notification from him.
Did you tell him how you felt about him?
No. We hadn’t really spoken about our feelings, and I had to keep reminding myself that even though we were talking and flirting regularly, he wasn’t my man yet. That all changed two weeks later, after an overnight rehearsal we had at church.
What happened then?
He snuck out of the designated hostel for the men and came to talk to me. We found ourselves a secluded spot, and before I knew it, we were in each other’s arms, kissing.
Aw, that’s so cute.
At first, I thought the same, but he started trying to get us to do more. I told him to back off, mostly because we were in church and still hadn’t defined what we were doing. Then he flipped. He accused me of not really loving him because I declined his offer of sex. He eventually agreed to hold off, and we parted. I should have noticed that as a red flag.
Why?
The ex I had just split up with used to do the same thing. He would try to manipulate me into having sex with him even though that wasn’t what I wanted. It was one of the reasons our relationship was full of fights.
I see. What happened after you parted at church?
We went to bed for the night. In the morning, while we were waiting to leave church, he asked me if I knew that I was his woman. He also asked if I was ready for a long-term relationship of maybe six or seven years because he wanted us to take each other seriously. My emotions bloomed when he said this. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. I became very attached to him in that moment because I felt he was being intentional about us.
So you guys became a couple?
Yes, we became a couple that night, but we agreed to take it slow.
Okay. What happened after that?
After our conversation that morning at church, I noticed that I was the one putting in more effort into our relationship. The calls and texts from Nifesimi had slowed down to a trickle. It made me so anxious. I started questioning myself if I had done something wrong to offend or put him off. The funniest thing was that he wouldn’t reply to my messages but I would see him chatting away on the choir’s WhatsApp group. It hurt me so deeply.
Did you reach out to him to complain?
No I had bigger issues, my exams were around the corner. So I didn’t have time to chase him down with calls at texts. I stopped reaching out entirely a day to the start of my papers and the day after that he called me.
What did he have to say?
He begged me on the phone and said all sorts of things. He kept begging me not to leave him and said he wasn’t afraid to beg for my love. He claimed he couldn’t lose me. His sincerity softened my heart, and I forgave him for disappearing. We went back to our lovely dovey state for the next three days, and he ghosted again.
Ah, for the second time?
That wasn’t the only time. It became his thing for the rest of our relationship. He would disappear without saying anything, and the moment I stopped reaching out, he would come begging and making all sorts of promises. Regardless, I visited him at his house when we made up the second time in April after he pulled a disappearing act.
How did the visit go?
It was uncomfortable even though I tried to ignore it. I wanted to keep my no-sex policy, so when he made advances to me after we ate at his place, I declined. His mood changed instantly, and he became withdrawn. It bothered me a lot. He continued saying that I didn’t love him, and if I did, I would prove it by sleeping with him. I really wanted to keep what we had, and I thought agreeing to sex would help maintain our relationship, so I said yes.
What happened afterwards?
I went home, and almost as soon as I arrived, I got a call from Nifesimi. I thought it was going to be a cute check-in call after our first time together, but instead, he called to insist I buy and use birth control because he didn’t want to risk getting me pregnant. This rubbed me the wrong way, but I wanted to make us work, so I went along with it and got some protection.
Would you say your relationship with Nifesimi improved after this?
No, in fact, things reached a fever pitch on my birthday in May. Nifesimi and I had fallen into a routine where we would go to church and head back home together. If we weren’t leaving together, he would usually walk me to my bus stop and get me a ride home.
That Sunday, when I asked him if he got me anything for my birthday, he snapped at me. He said asking was impolite and that I shouldn’t ask him about his plans. So I decided to mind my business. However, when I got home that day, he had disappeared online again. I decided that I wasn’t going to reach out because I wanted to see how long it would take for him to respond to me.
How long did it take?
If I were still waiting, I’d be waiting forever. I couldn’t get him off my mind, so a few days after, I sent him a screenshot of his texts when he was begging for my attention and love. I asked him what had changed between his confession and his current behaviour. It was then that he said he wanted to end our situationship because he was very busy at work.
Ah!
That’s not all, he also said that what happened between us was a mistake and we happened too fast. He tried to make me feel like none of what we shared was real.
How did you take that?
I took it very badly. I was sad and listless for days. I got so sick, my period didn’t come for more than a month. I realised Nifesimi has love-bombed me, and I was left holding my bag of emotions alone.
Did you try to reach out to him after that?
Yes, I did. It was hard for me to accept that the man who had been chasing me for weeks suddenly didn’t want anything to do with me. He, on the other hand, took it in stride. He sent me funny videos on Instagram now and then as if we were still friends. Sometimes, he would shower me with attention, other times, he wouldn’t reply for days. I wanted to break the cycle of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and reappearing, so I unfollowed him, and since then, I’ve had peace of mind.
Would you take him back if he promised to change his ways?
No. He hurt me deeply and took advantage of my feelings for him. I keep thinking of how my mental health deteriorated after we split up, and I wouldn’t wish that pain on any girl. I don’t wish him ill, but I never want anything to do with him again.
What’s something you learned from this experience?
I learned detachment. This relationship with Nifesimi affected me badly, and I have learned to distance myself from those feelings. I also learned how to spot love bombing and move away from people who don’t have my best interests at heart. It’s been a good journey so far
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