When Toluwani* (50) followed a friend to a church program in 2001, falling in love wasn’t on his agenda. But the moment he met Tomisin* (45), everything changed. What started as a whirlwind romance became a long-distance marriage with three children.
He talks about the slow breakdown of their marriage, and why he still finds it hard to believe all the ways she betrayed him.
This is Toluwani’s story as told to Betty
I met my wife in 2001 at a Pentecostal church program. I was raised Anglican, but a friend insisted that we attend their special program, so I took my father’s car and we all went to the church.
At the meeting, I met Tomisin and thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was tall, dark, and slim, and I was immediately captivated by her. I struck up a conversation with her, and we quickly became friends.
Before the end of the program, I found out that she was in a serious relationship with the church’s choirmaster. At first, I was disheartened, but I thought to myself, “A goalkeeper in front of a post doesn’t mean you can’t score.”
So I started to chase her relentlessly. I lived in Ikeja while she lived in Sango, but I made sure to see her at least once every two days. I would show up with little gifts, trinkets and food, and after a while, I could tell she was starting to reciprocate my feelings.
At the start of 2002, Tomisin ended things with her choirmaster boyfriend, and we started dating. Her parents were strongly against our relationship — they felt the choirmaster was a better choice and didn’t want her dating someone whose upbringing they weren’t sure of. But we stayed together regardless.
By the end of 2002, we were married — though not happily. Tomisin seemed to think that I was much wealthier than I actually was, probably because I was driving my dad’s car around during our courtship. In reality, I was working as a secretary in a small architecture firm in Lagos.
Still, wanting to give my new family a better life, I quit that job and took a better-paying position in Abuja, while Tomisin remained in Lagos. I should mention that Tomisin didn’t work; I was the sole provider as a man should be, while she took care of the home. I would visit Lagos every other weekend, and that became our routine.
We had our first child in 2003, a girl as beautiful as her mother. Tomisin was a great mum, but after the birth of our second daughter in 2005, she started becoming restless. She said she was bored and wanted to get into the job market. I was strongly against this, but I eventually agreed after she pressured me. I got her a small car to move around with and encouraged her job application efforts.
She got a job as a civil servant in 2006, and her salary actually eased the burden of taking care of the bills. I was happy about this, and in 2007, we had our last child, a boy.
Tomisin seemed content with our arrangement for many years — until suddenly, she wasn’t.
In 2020, during the lockdown, I could no longer visit every other weekend as I usually did, and that’s when I started noticing cracks in our relationship. She started picking petty fights over the phone. For instance, she had been asking for a vacation abroad with the kids, but I thought it was better to use that money to buy a house or some land. It was causing serious issues between us, but I shrugged it off and insisted we stick to my plan.
By 2022, I had resumed visiting home regularly. The kids were doing well, and everything seemed fine — or so I thought. Then one night, during a visit to Lagos, Tomisin came home from work exhausted and went to bed earlier than usual. While we were lying in bed, her phone rang. She didn’t answer it, and shortly after, a message came in. It was a raunchy sext from a contact name I didn’t recognise.
I was livid. I woke her up immediately, and we got into a huge fight.
Apparently, her superior at work, a big Alhaji, was asking her to be his girlfriend and worse, she was entertaining him. The next day, I called her family and mine for an emergency meeting. I gave her an ultimatum: she must leave that job and go back to being a housewife or I would leave the marriage. She chose the job. I was annoyed, so I took our kids with me to Abuja and put them in boarding school, an idea she had always hated.
I thought Tomisin was just being stubborn, and she would come around, but she doubled down and kept going to work. We went no-contact for more than half of 2022. I knew she would call the kids at school sometimes, but when I checked in with her family, they would say they hadn’t heard from her. I would send her the occasional text, but she wouldn’t reply.
In early 2023, I ran into an old friend of mine in Abuja. It was the same friend who invited me to the church program, where I met Tomisin. I was delighted to see him, and we struck up a conversation. While we were talking, he said something that shocked me. He said he was sorry that my marriage had ended and asked how I felt now that Tomisin had remarried and had a baby for her new husband.
I was gobsmacked. Remarried? New baby? I took the first flight I could find back to Lagos, and sure enough, the flat in Lagos was empty. The car I got her was nowhere to be found, and the neighbours in the compound said they hadn’t seen Tomisin for the better part of a year. I thought I was going crazy. I started asking her friends and family for her. Her mum was tight-lipped about Tomisin’s whereabouts, but one of her aunts took pity on me and called me.
She told me that Tomisin had converted to Islam and married the Alhaji at her work. The family thought juju was involved because once they married, Tomisin, who loved short skirts and tube tops, became a niqabi. Her aunt also mentioned that Tomisin had recently given birth to a baby girl. She was surprised I didn’t know. According to her, Tomisin had told the family that we had quietly divorced.
I was heartbroken. I felt like Tomisin and I were just going through a really rough patch, and we were going to come out of the other side stronger. I decided to call her with a different number to see if what her aunt said was true.
She picked up, and the first thing Tomisin said was “Salam alaikum.” It was like someone poured ice-cold water down my back. I started yelling at her. How could she do this? What about our children? Tomisin didn’t even sound remorseful. She said she was happy with the Alhaji and there was no juju involved. He had a wife already, so he had gotten her a separate apartment, and he showered her with money, especially after the birth of her new baby girl. Then she flippantly asked that we start divorce proceedings. She also said our kids should be with me because Alhaji wouldn’t want Christian children in his home.
I was so angry, I hung up. I realised that the woman I married didn’t exist anymore. The pain is not something I can describe easily. The two younger kids don’t really understand what has happened, and honestly, neither do I. Even two years later, I’m still trying to piece my life together.
I sued Tomisin in court for bigamy in August 2023. I don’t think she should be allowed to act with such callousness. She didn’t even tell me she was no longer interested before going to marry another man/ The case has been dragging on in court, but I’m happy to pursue it to the end of the earth and get compensation, one way or another.
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