Sammie*(23) thought he had found love in medical school, but he soon discovered his girlfriend had other plans — wedding plans — that didn’t include him.
This is Sammie’s story, as told to Betty
I’ve been a medical student in Northern Nigeria for the last two years, but I only realised how conservative it is here a few months ago.
In January, I moved to a new campus to begin my third year of medical school. I’d spent the first two years on a different campus in a more liberal part of town, which wasn’t much different to the life I was used to in Southern Nigeria.
However, in this neck of the woods, things like dating and intimacy only happen in secret. Dating isn’t outrightly forbidden, but the girls here prefer to get married early to much older men, so there aren’t a lot of couples on our campus.
I met Aisha* the first week I moved here. She was a beautiful fifth-year student who sold snacks and cold drinks. Within a few days of banter, we had formed a quick friendship. A friend told me Aisha was already dating someone, so I had my eye out for another beautiful girl in my class.
However, during my first month here, Aisha and I got really close, and I began to develop feelings for her. As our bond deepened, though, I noticed some things about her.
First, she constantly stressed how private she was and didn’t like people seeing us together. In fact, because of her near-obsessive need to be private, she once pretended to take a phone call and ran off when a mutual friend noticed we were hanging out outside her hostel and tried to say hello. I assumed she was just shy. When I asked her about it, she said she just didn’t want to mix her friend groups, which I understood.
Another thing that stood out to me was that Aisha didn’t talk about her past relationships at all. She would dodge or change the subject if I tried to ask questions about her past. I had a situationship end abruptly in December, and her reason was that I pestered her about topics she didn’t like talking about. So, I didn’t want to make the same mistake with Aisha and let the matter be.
By mid-February, Aisha and I had started getting intimate, but we kept it very low-key because, remember, she liked her privacy. I had already caught feelings by this time, but I waited until March to tell her I didn’t want something casual with her; I wanted us to build something serious. She said yes, and just like that, I had a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend who was going to be a doctor.
Our relationship was great. Aisha had a fun personality that brought out the best in me, and after long days in class or the clinic, it was pleasant to unwind with her. One day, after a gruelling day in class, I was wrapped in her arms, decompressing for the day, when she asked me a question that made my blood chill.
“So, how would you feel if I got married while we were doing this?”
The question threw me for a loop. We had just started dating, so marriage wasn’t a topic we were discussing yet. I dismissed it as a joke, but she was very serious. She said she had just turned 25 and her parents were pressuring her to get married, so she had to pick a suitor soon.
I was aghast. Aisha had let me assume we were the same age, 23, so her revelation surprised me. I didn’t mind dating someone older, but she couldn’t be seen dating someone younger because of how conservative the area was. That’s when I understood that she wasn’t keeping our relationship private; she was keeping it a secret.
I asked Aisha why she got into a relationship with me if she knew she wanted to be married in a few months. She said she didn’t think it was a big deal, and that since I wasn’t going to marry her, I should make way for the person who would. She also said marriage didn’t have to disrupt what we had.
According to her, her ex had cut her off three years ago because she resisted their arranged marriage, and it had hurt to lose their friendship. She didn’t want that to happen to us.
I couldn’t bring myself to believe her. I understood the parental pressure she was facing and told her she could either be actively interviewing suitors for marriage or be with me, but not both.
Aisha made her choice. She’d keep talking to suitors for her arranged marriage. That was the last time I spoke to her. I blocked her everywhere. I couldn’t eat or study for a few days after our split— I even failed an important paper because of it.
Just last week, at the start of May, Aisha sent me several messages and voice notes on Snapchat — an app I rarely use — saying she couldn’t believe I broke up with her and explaining how disappointed she was that I threw our love away over what she considered a workable issue. I replied, telling her how much she hurt me, then I blocked her there, too.
I still see her on the campus almost every day, but I act like I never knew her. At first, she tried to get a response from me, but now she just looks at me sadly from across the hallways and streets.
The worst part is that the other babe in my class I was eyeing has a new boyfriend, so I can’t shift my focus to her. I’m too wary to date anyone else from here. I’m afraid they, too, will suddenly start planning weddings that don’t include me.
I’ve decided to focus on my studies instead; at least I know what to expect there.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of the subjects.
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