Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 Nollywood movie, “Suicide Mission.

So much beauty in one picture. I want both Regina Askia and RMD to be my sugar parents. They can have me for three days each and alternating Sundays. I don’t mind being shared.

The movie starts with Austin (RMD) hanging by his neck under a bridge. Because he doesn’t look excited to be there, I can tell that he didn’t put himself in this situation. While he’s squirming, someone who looks a lot like the girl who sang “Chinwe ike” pops out of the water and calls to him.

The rope suddenly cuts and he falls to his death, screaming annoyingly the entire way down. I scream along with him because what the fuck kind of Nollywood movie made in 1998 starts with a suicide?

It turns out that all this has been a nightmare. Austin wakes up screaming and his wife, Winnie, who is next to him wakes up and is like:

He tells her about the dream but doesn’t mention the light-skinned woman. Winnie mumbles something about Austin needing to be more careful and goes back to sleep, which is a really stupid thing to tell a person who just had a nightmare but whatever I guess.

The next day, Austin goes to visit a friend. While there, he meets Monique (Regina Askia-Williams) who, the second she lays eyes on him, immediately decides that she wants him to destroy her honey pot with his weapon of love.

Monique tells her friend, Tracy (the wife of the person Austin is there to visit), that she wants to jump around on Austin’s disco stick. When Tracy informs Monique that Austin is married, Monique is like:

And she wasn’t even kidding with that last line because in the very next scene, she and Tracy are in a babalawo’s shrine asking for juju that’ll make Austin marry her. This is how the conversation goes between then:

Monique goes home and serves lewks in a montage while considering her options. Just to be clear, these are her options:

  • Have sex with a dead body while a pervy babalawo watches so she can marry some man she’s literally only spoken to for five seconds.
  • Not have sex with a dead body, carry on with her life, and find another man to marry

However, Monique is super grossed out by the corpse the babalawo brings to life and runs away as fast as her skirt suit will let her.

But because it’s night time, she gets lost and the horny corpse catches up with and rapes her. When Austin doesn’t immediately leave his family and run away with her, Monique realises the ritual didn’t work and is furious that she slept with a zombie for nothing. Tracy takes her to another juju man who tells her that she has to perform a few rituals before she gets what she wants.

Monique is terrified that she’ll be asked to do something disgusting again so she’s like:

She calms down when the juju man says she’ll have to do a dry fast for three days…

…but gets stressed again when he says she’ll also have to throw her underwear into the ocean and go into the ocean to pick a bunch of cowries.

Monique returns to the juju man after she’s done with her tasks. He summons Austin’s spirit and tosses it into a groundnut bottle, giving her complete control of him. Austin, under Monique’s influence, tells Winnie that he’s marrying a second wife. When Winnie tries to protest, he’s like:

After Monique marries Austin and moves into his house, she spends her free time torturing his spirit.

WandaVision (2021)

Because being a second wife isn’t good enough for her, Monique steals $10,000 cash from Austin and frames Winnie for the theft, leading to Austin throwing Winnie out. Winnie wanders the streets with her luggage and it’s supposed to be sad but it makes me laugh because it reminds me of that meme of Osita Iheme dragging a giant box:

With no where to go, Winnie goes to her church to meet the pastor. The pastor, dressed in an insane bright yellow blazer, goes back to Winnie’s house to see if he can beg Austin to take her back but Austin throws both of them out.

With Winnie gone, Monique treats her kids like trash. Eventually, they steal money from Austin’s room and run away from home. Austin notices they’re gone and when he asks where they are, Monique says Winnie must’ve come for them. No one discovers what really happened until ONE MONTH LATER when Winnie comes to visit and is told by the gateman.

Meanwhile, the kids are now living in an uncompleted building, and one of them is struck by an unidentified illness.

But he dies not long after. The surviving two eventually run out of money and start selling sachet water to survive.

While out selling water one day, they run into Winnie and have a group hug in the middle of the street. They inform her that one of them is dead and they all cry. As all this is happening, I’m wondering what they did with the body and if Winnie even looked for them at all.

Meanwhile, Austin is slowly getting sick of Monique’s shit. He finds out that she’s spent N2.5 million in a month and yells at her for it. When he walks away, she’s like:

She decides to kill Austin and inherit all his money. She goes to a babalawo who gives her poison to put in Austin’s food. However, she’s told to keep the poison away from water but gets caught in the rain on her way home, causing her to run mad.

Austin finds her after three days, eating garbage and chasing people, and takes her to a psychiatric hospital. The doctor says he can’t find anything wrong with her and suggests — I shit you not — that Austin takes her to a church.

After a hot deliverance session led by a pastor played by Patrick Doyle, Monique confesses to everything she’s done. Pastor Patrick Doyle asks her to bring out the groundnut bottle with Austin’s spirit in it and she does but mistakenly drops and breaks it. As punishment for ruining all the juju, she turns into a local dog and runs away.

An angel dressed in china white comes to Winnie in a dream and tells her to go back to Austin because he’s now free from the clutches of evil. As Winnie gets to the house, Austin is about to hang himself (mirroring the events in the movie’s opening scene). Heavenly lightning strikes the rope, stopping him from dying. They all hug.

If you enjoyed this article, share it with people OR ELSE:

You’ve been warned.

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.