Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
No shade, but Ian Fleming, the author of the James Bond series, has been real quiet since this movie was released. Some would say it’s because he died 40 years before “State of Emergency” was released but I say it’s because he knew he’d never write anything better.
The movie starts with a team of FBI officers storming a house whose occupants they believe are in danger of being killed. In typical Nigerian fashion, they get there late, and the victim, the teenage daughter of the commissioner of health, is already dead as hell.
Detective officer Smith (Saint Obi) — that’s what the character introduces himself as — is pissed that they didn’t get there in time and yells at his superior, the leader of the team, because of this. They proceed to have a dick measuring contest.
At the scene of another murder, Smith notices a sign drawn on the floor in blood.
Because it’s an omega sign, I wonder if Darkseid (from the DC universe) is behind the killings. The movie proves me wrong when Smith leaves the crime scene without permission and goes home to stare at an old photograph.
While Smith’s superiors are yelling at him for leaving the crime scene without telling anyone, the killers go to the house of the state governor and fill his daughter’s chest with bullet holes. When the police team get to the governor’s house, the governor is like:
And even though the FBI are sympathetic, one of them has a look on his face like he’s itching to say:
Smith sees the omega sign again and informs his superior of his findings, adding that the same bullets used to kill the governor’s daughter (bullets only used by the military) are the same as the bullets used to kill the other victim.
As Smith is talking, I wonder what alternate reality this movie takes place in because, in my almost 3 decades alive, I’ve never met a Nigerian law enforcement agent so good at their job. When Smith is done talking, his superior looks at him for a few seconds and goes:
And I was like, “Yes. This is the level of incompetence I’m accustomed to.”
Smith goes to talk to a former soldier he served in the military with and tells this person that he believes an old military squad named Omega 12 are in town murdering people. He says that his superiors don’t believe him, which is insane because at NO POINT did he tell his superiors this. The retired soldier (whose name is never mentioned) yarns a lot of okoto that basically boils down to this:
Officer Smith gets word that an event which will be attended by a bunch of politicians is set to hold at the National Arts Theatre.
National Arts Theatre?? REALLY??!
Smith finds out an old friend of his named Kevin is the head of the SSS team in charge of security at the event. Smith tries to convince Kevin to shut down the event because he believes Omega 12 are on their way there. After looking him up and down, Kevin says:
Kevin points out that he doesn’t have the power to call off the event because it was organised by the president. He also says something about Smith putting him in trouble in the past but I can’t remember what exactly because the characters in this movie have too much unnecessary backstory. The event starts and when the camera pans out to show everyone present…
…I once again ask myself why they’re having this event here, seated on a long table on a stage like the family of the couple at a wedding, and not at Aso Rock or some other fancy place.
Just as Smith predicted, the Omega 12 team shows up at the event. They cut off the air conditioner from the main hall and then POORLY disguise themselves as electricians there to fix it.
They totally look like terrorists and not one of these security agents clocked them! They weren’t even searched!
When all members of the squad are in, they whip out a shit load of guns and shoot up the place. Kevin, who is inside the building when this happens, is able to subdue a member of the squad close to the door.
Charles (J.T Tom West), the leader of the squad, is like:
So Kevin runs out and tells his men to fall back. While all this is happening, we’re shown the FBI control room and it’s literally just an early 2000s music recording studio, complete with speakers and a control board.
THEY DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO CHANGE IT UP! LMAO!
To make things worse, the FBI guy asks the control room agents to patch him into National Arts Theatre communications system so he can speak to the terrorists. So they hand him a MICROPHONE!
When the terrorists don’t respond, they remember that Smith mentioned something about a terrorist attack so they send for him. He shows up and gets Charles to talk.
Charles demands to speak to the president and when Smith says no, he shoots another hostage. When the hostage falls over dead, there’s a huge hole in the crotch areas of his trousers.
This movie’s budget was really N10,000 sha.
It turns out that Omega 12 was a super secret division of the military used by the Nigerian government to do horrible things in war-torn countries around Africa. At some point, they were abandoned behind enemy lines in Angola and left for dead. The government denied their existence and moved on. Now the team is back for revenge or something. Smith used to be one of them and that’s how he knows Charles.
The FBI attempts to send a bunch of military men through a tunnel to break into the National Arts Theatre (Lol) to ambush the terrorists but half of them get blown up because the terrorists had the good mind to rig the tunnel with explosives. As all this is happening, members of the press are standing RIGHT THERE getting all the tea.
This entire movie is just filled with insane scenarios.
Honestly, not much happens in this movie. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Kevin offers Smith a cup of coffee and Smith is like:
It’s so pointlessly dramatic because either you want the coffee or you don’t. Jesus.
A whole lot of nothing happens. There’s a terrible CGI shoot out. A bomb scare at a hospital, and the terrorists are captured. Charles tries to escape with a hostage but gets shot in the head by Smith and the movie ends. I need you guys to see the way Charles falls when he’s shot.
Give J.T Tom West a posthumous Oscar right now!
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
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