I Joined The Facebook Group, “Christian Mothers Against Masturbation” So You Don’t Have To

March 5, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Facebook really is the Pandora’s box of social media websites.

First of all, I want to say thank you to all the awesome people on Twitter who like “So You Don’t Have To” enough to send me potential series fodder. You guys help me keep this insane series running and I would french-kiss every single one of you in gratitude if I could.

Me, vacuuming your tonsils with my tongue, one by one.

So my homeboy and resident Zikoko mad person, Kunle, put me on to this tweet.

And because I like hot garbage, I figured I’d get in my 007 bag and join the group to bring you guys their gist. I thought the group would be private so I had already crafted the persona I would use to get in using my burner Facebook account.

Yes. I have a burner Facebook account.

This was going to be my message to the page’s admin.

“Good afternoon, ma. My name is Jonathan. I’m a man looking to rid myself of the demon who makes me beat my meat every chance I get. I thought getting rid of all my lube would help but that just made me jerk off dry. The friction almost started a fire and now my dick looks like raw meat. Please let me into this group!”

However, turns out the page is open. So I just strolled in and got the info I needed.


The group was created in 2014 by a group of Christian mothers with the aim of making the world a better place for their children.

Imagine being a 5-year-old asking your mum to read you a bedtime story and then she whips out her bible to read you the story of how God struck a man dead for refusing to impregnate his dead brother’s wife.

Even weirder than their mission is the way they spread their message. In attempt to connect with their target audience (the youth), they post weird memes that they think support their cause but really don’t. It makes it seem like the admins of the page are trying to do this:

How do you do, fellow kids' has become the 'how do you do, fellow kids' of  memes - The Verge

I scrolled down their page and compiled a list of their (unintentionally) funny posts. You’re welcome.

This gem.

This tweet was made by a famous American Twitter comedian. I’m blown away that that fact didn’t let the admins of this page know that this was a joke.

This isn’t even true.

If this was a ladder — like in the famous Agnes Iro song, “Follow The Ladder” — needing both your hands would make sense. What’s in this picture is a flight of stairs. You only need your legs.

Danny is going through it.

In what decade did teenagers talk like this??

This is more about the dangers of meth than anything else really.

To be engulfed in the throes of masturbation while still having the strength to fight off 15 people is enough reason for the police to have recruited him.

The more you know.

If you have sex with women and the devil has never appeared in the corner of your room mid-coitus, that means you don’t know where the clit is. And to that I say, LMAO.

OH COME ON!

This was the post that made me think that the admins are trolling people. “We can beat it together”?! Could a joke be more obvious??

Kings. Don’t forget to ask the important questions before wifing her.

Don’t just ask if she knows how to do the gluck gluck 3000. Also, ask if she’s ever gone spelunking in her sin cave.

SDSHGDHGSJDJKHFJKSDHKJSHJ!

AMEN(?)!

Did they have to use nuns to illustrate this??

The people who run this page believe unnecessary ejaculation is a sin and is tantamount to abortion. I guess that episode of Family Guy where Stewie meets his unborn brother, Bertram, in Peter’s testicles was scientifically accurate.

This image is going to haunt my dreams forever.

Why is the guy wanking on the beach in broad daylight? Why is he right in front of the ocean like he’s trying to flash passing mermaids? The look on that drawing of God’s face. LMAO.

Last but not the least, I present to you, the group’s profile picture.

You guys. I need to go lie down. This entire thing has made me dizzy.

don't follow (@inspiredbyworId) | Twitter

See y’all next week.

I Read “My Book Of Bible Stories” So You Don’t Have To

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Zikoko Donation Banner

Help Zikoko keep making the content you love

More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.

Thank you for your support.

We are also cool with Crypto.

Donation Close
Zikoko Logo

Complete Your Commitment

Donation confirm

Your Contribution is confirmed! Amount

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 4, 2019

After successfully predicting when y’all are getting married (please, email any complaints to noneofourbusiness@nayousabi.com), we are back to tell you how much is currently in your account. How, you might ask? By using your taste in Nollywood, of course. Shhh. No questions. Just take it already:

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

November 11, 2019

Everyone has something to say about what kind of person they are. But how well do we truthfully evaluate these things? Not that much, I can assure you. The average person is always lying to themselves to make sure they look good. But you know what and who doesn’t lie? Zikoko quizzes that’s what. Take […]

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X