I Joined The Facebook Group, “Christian Mothers Against Masturbation” So You Don’t Have To

March 5, 2021

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Facebook really is the Pandora’s box of social media websites.

First of all, I want to say thank you to all the awesome people on Twitter who like “So You Don’t Have To” enough to send me potential series fodder. You guys help me keep this insane series running and I would french-kiss every single one of you in gratitude if I could.

Me, vacuuming your tonsils with my tongue, one by one.

So my homeboy and resident Zikoko mad person, Kunle, put me on to this tweet.

And because I like hot garbage, I figured I’d get in my 007 bag and join the group to bring you guys their gist. I thought the group would be private so I had already crafted the persona I would use to get in using my burner Facebook account.

Yes. I have a burner Facebook account.

This was going to be my message to the page’s admin.

“Good afternoon, ma. My name is Jonathan. I’m a man looking to rid myself of the demon who makes me beat my meat every chance I get. I thought getting rid of all my lube would help but that just made me jerk off dry. The friction almost started a fire and now my dick looks like raw meat. Please let me into this group!”

However, turns out the page is open. So I just strolled in and got the info I needed.


The group was created in 2014 by a group of Christian mothers with the aim of making the world a better place for their children.

Imagine being a 5-year-old asking your mum to read you a bedtime story and then she whips out her bible to read you the story of how God struck a man dead for refusing to impregnate his dead brother’s wife.

Even weirder than their mission is the way they spread their message. In attempt to connect with their target audience (the youth), they post weird memes that they think support their cause but really don’t. It makes it seem like the admins of the page are trying to do this:

How do you do, fellow kids' has become the 'how do you do, fellow kids' of  memes - The Verge

I scrolled down their page and compiled a list of their (unintentionally) funny posts. You’re welcome.

This gem.

This tweet was made by a famous American Twitter comedian. I’m blown away that that fact didn’t let the admins of this page know that this was a joke.

This isn’t even true.

If this was a ladder — like in the famous Agnes Iro song, “Follow The Ladder” — needing both your hands would make sense. What’s in this picture is a flight of stairs. You only need your legs.

Danny is going through it.

In what decade did teenagers talk like this??

This is more about the dangers of meth than anything else really.

To be engulfed in the throes of masturbation while still having the strength to fight off 15 people is enough reason for the police to have recruited him.

The more you know.

If you have sex with women and the devil has never appeared in the corner of your room mid-coitus, that means you don’t know where the clit is. And to that I say, LMAO.

OH COME ON!

This was the post that made me think that the admins are trolling people. “We can beat it together”?! Could a joke be more obvious??

Kings. Don’t forget to ask the important questions before wifing her.

Don’t just ask if she knows how to do the gluck gluck 3000. Also, ask if she’s ever gone spelunking in her sin cave.

SDSHGDHGSJDJKHFJKSDHKJSHJ!

AMEN(?)!

Did they have to use nuns to illustrate this??

The people who run this page believe unnecessary ejaculation is a sin and is tantamount to abortion. I guess that episode of Family Guy where Stewie meets his unborn brother, Bertram, in Peter’s testicles was scientifically accurate.

This image is going to haunt my dreams forever.

Why is the guy wanking on the beach in broad daylight? Why is he right in front of the ocean like he’s trying to flash passing mermaids? The look on that drawing of God’s face. LMAO.

Last but not the least, I present to you, the group’s profile picture.

You guys. I need to go lie down. This entire thing has made me dizzy.

don't follow (@inspiredbyworId) | Twitter

See y’all next week.

I Read “My Book Of Bible Stories” So You Don’t Have To


Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


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