Types of Testifiers in Church

August 22, 2019

Testimony Time, Blessing Time! It’s that time in church where you can bring your phone out and check your Twitter feed without worrying about the judging eyes of church officials. But thing is, if you really pay attention and forget about Twitter for once, you’ll notice there are different categories of testifiers in church.

If you’ve ever been to a church you’ll probably know them.

The Singers

You already know her. She’ll request a microphone and start singing from her seat, just to ensure that everyone wonders where the sound is coming from. When she finally gets to the pulpit, she’ll sing a bit more before giving the testimony. When the moderator tries to hurry her, she’ll give him the look that says, “Do you have a problem with me talking about what God has done for me?”

The Crier:

Hate him or love him, the crier makes for good church entertainment; even better than that Twitter you’re so hung up on. He starts telling his story, then he stops and smiles. Then he starts his story again. He stutters in between, but when he gets to the climax of his story, tears begin to well up in his eyes and he’s crying as he’s talking. The entire church is crying too. He’s on his knees now. The pastor is hugging him. He’s leaving the pulpit. He’s really thankful. And you’re there laughing as the devil that you are.

The Boaster

After this person’s testimony, you’ll check your bank account balance and evaluate your life. They had just got a 50 million naira deal they didn’t work for and while they were thinking of what to do with the money, someone called them and offered them a house in Banana Island with a Range Rover in the garage, all for free. God When?

The Story Teller

Most churches give just one minute for testimonies, but these people take 10. They’ll tell you what time they woke up that fateful morning, what they wore, how blue the sky was, the plate number of the bus they entered when their car broke down and the name of the mechanic who fixed the car. They only leave when the congregation starts clapping.

My First Testimony Goes Like This Testifiers

They’re like the story teller, only worse because they have 3 different testimonies. They always end up getting cut short.

The Brief Testifier

They never spend up to 20 seconds on the pulpit. They say what they want and leave as if someone is chasing them or like they’re in competition over who can give the fastest testimony. We see you, Bro. Usain Bolt.

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