The UEFA Champions League is back. For those of us who are dating core football fans, this means that between now and December, there will be days during the week when our partners will be watching 22 men run on a field while two men scream instructions at them from the sidelines. Here’s what you can be doing while they’re doing that.
1. Cook a 12-course meal
The match is ninety minutes long, and that’s minus added time. If you truly want to distract yourself, enter the kitchen and cook a 12-course meal. By the time you’re done, your partner will most likely be done with their match too. However, you may be too tired to have their time by then.
2. Tell them, “We need to talk”
Nothing. Absolutely nothing will redirect their attention from a football match faster than this statement. What better way to distract them from the tension of the knockout stages?
3. Call your friends and go out
Dress up sexy and go out with friends that aren’t football watchers. To make it more fun, go to a strip club. By the time your partner finally removes their eyeballs from the TV screen at the end of the match, you’d already be downing shots of tequila and putting money in the underwear of naked people.
4. Test out your new sexy underwear
Once you wear it, walk in front of the TV and see their reaction. They may shout at you and tell you to move away from the TV, but it’s worth a try.
5. Make it special for them
You can decide to be nice. Invite their friends over and get them snacks and drinks. UCL nights are pretty important and full of tension. But be sure to tell them that they’ll be the ones cleaning up afterward sha.
6. Switch the TV to your favourite show
They’ll fight you, but at least they’ll be paying attention to you.
7. Watch your favourite show alone
If they’d rather watch a bunch of grown men kicking and chasing a ball than the next episode of your favourite show together, it’s their loss. Watch the newest episodes and give them spoilers. Smh.
8. Annoy them with your cluelessness
Watch the match with your partner but give as much commentary as possible. Mix up the names of the teams and players and ask a lot of questions. Person wey say e mama no go sleep, em sef no go sleep.
9. Cheat
Any partner that chooses football over you is not someone that deserves your loyalty. Pick up your phone and find a side piece that has your time.
