The reason you’re not getting the jobs you should be getting is that your CV is too similar to other people’s. Wake up and collect your money!

If you can do any of the things in this list, add them to your CV and see if your dream company won’t hire you before this week runs out.

Making pap

I believe nobody actually knows how to make pap and we’re all just winging it and deceiving ourselves. Because tell me why everyone I’ve ever met has the same struggles with making something so supposedly simple. Now, if there’s someone in this life that actually knows how to make custard, shouldn’t they add it to their CV?

Dating an Igbo woman

If you successfully date an Igbo woman for more than 24 minutes, please, you deserve salutation and respect. Ehn? No wonder you can’t spell “wicked(Igbo women)ness” without “Igbo women”. “Ability to face tough situations” is a valid skill that should be on your CV. 

Living in Lagos

Let me tell you a little secret: There were plenty competitors for the role at Zikoko when I applied. The skill I had that set me apart was the “ability to work in a tough environment” which I added to my CV, and when they asked me what it meant on the interview, I said, “I live in Lagos”. Their eyes lit up and they offered me the job on the spot with a salary of ₦2.4 million monthly. Be like me. 

ALSO READ: Lagos Is Sodom and Gomorrah, and Here’s Why

Parallel parking

Apart from Vin Diesel and his family, there’s nobody else that can do this thing. The rest of us are just lying to ourselves. So if you add this one to your CV, the recruiter will know you’re lying. Don’t do it. 

Lying without getting caught

Is that not the job of a writer? Or a politician? So you can lie very well and you’re still looking for jobs? You’re not ready, my friend. 

Eating pawpaw

If you can eat pawpaw without stronging your face, you’re tenacious and can confront anything that comes your way. Put it on your CV today. 

Cooking beans with a kerosene stove

Startups would absolutely love you. This means you can stick through bad times and persevere until the company receive one $23.4 million of seed funding. If you’re patient enough to cook beans with a kerosene stove, apply for work at a tech startup today. 

ALSO: 7 Special Skills You Didn’t Even Know You Had as a Nigerian