How To Find Love On LinkedIn

October 2, 2020

If you are using LinkedIn for only job seeking purposes, allow me to tell you that you are wasting valuable resources. Plenty people are meeting the love of their life and you are there, acting like you work at the Wall Street in Ebute Meta. Better jazz up. Here’s how to find love on LinkedIn:

1. First of all, appear serious.

You know, dress well: suit and tie headshot if you’re a man, peplum gown and a strand of pearl necklace if you’re a woman. Don’t forget your wig too, and your corporate headshot. The goal is to look like you’re looking for work, not to sell market. And if we are being serious, isn’t love a kind of job?


2. Now act like LinkedIn material.

Send connection requests like you have a deadline or a KPI to meet. Set up a Google Meeting after like 15 failed attempts, but post on your feed that you “Facilitated the auspicious conglomeration of generations to further enhance terrestrial potentials of unborn generations.” That kind of grammar will make people wet.

Post your hottest pictures, with a lirru sprinkle of motivational quotes. Nobody will read the quotes, dear. It is you they want, and you are giving it to them hot hot.



3. By now, people would have started entering your inbox.


LinkedIn will kuku force them to congratulate you on your ground breaking success with the Google meeting. But you can’t wait for this to happen. What if you don’t have any ground breaking achievement? So,

4. SHOOT YOUR SHOT!

Enter inboxes with your catchy pick up lines presented professionally. Here’s an example:

“I know you work in HR and you are quite sufficient, but can I be your personal human resource?”

Or:

“Would you be interested in connecting outside of this space?”

Or:

“I’m taking a SWOT analysis on my potential as a husband or wife. Would you like to assist me? We can do that over a glass of wine.”

Or:

“My life’s accounts need balancing. Do you mind completing me?”

Or take the joke approach. For example: after LinkedIn asks you to congratulate people, do it and add afterwards, “Na LinkedIn talk say make I greet you oh.”

They will laugh for sure, and once they have lost guard, time to insert your arrow of affection into their single souls.

Another style: “How about we evaluate each other’s performance in real life? Your place or mine, anyone is fine by me.”

Or:

“Your profile says you’re a great teambuilder. Would you like to build a team with me? The children can come later.”

Or:

When they crack a joke, laugh and say, “DFKM.” If you’re asked what “DFKM” means, tell them “Dakun fuck me.”



So, that’s what I have for you. Remember, be civil. If they say no, back off and respect their decision. And if the pick up lines don’t work, well, na your wahala be that. Why you sef dey find love for LinkedIn in the first place?


If it’s your first time on LinkedIn, this one will teach you what to expect:

5 Types Of Nigerians You’ll Meet On LinkedIn

You'll like this

September 10, 2018

Making legitimate money online for many young people would be the ultimate dream. For so many young people across the world, being able to find steady income-generating opportunities online, would allow them to quit their toxic day jobs and become their own boss.   In addition, being able to spend quality time with family while […]

Kunle Ologunro

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

October 22, 2020

Let’s start here: On the 20th of October, 2020, armed men of the Nigerian army allegedly shot at peaceful protesters in the recent #EndSars movement. It is estimated that at least twelve people were killed in Lagos, and hundred more were injured around Nigeria. In light of this unfortunate and avoidable incident, we decided to […]

October 22, 2020

This article contains updates on occurrences related to the general national unrest outside Lagos that you might have missed. We’ll keep updating it. Seyi Makinde addressing protesters in Ibadan The Oyo State Governor took to the streets of Ibadan yesterday to address protesters and the general public and to tell them that peace would return […]

October 22, 2020

Yesterday, Lagos State Governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu addressed the state following the massacre of innocent civilians at the Lekki toll-gate the previous night. Here’s the speech. After watching him struggle for over seven minutes to deliver his speech, we were able to pick out some of the stuff we couldn’t just stand. See: 1. The lies […]

October 22, 2020

Recently, there has been an increasing occurrence of social media accounts broadcasting and spreading fake news. In one instance, a Twitter user posted a photo of Aisha Yesufu, a prominent activist purportedly showing her relaxing in her living room with her husband while #EndSARS protesters are on the streets. The photo was actually of her […]

Recommended Quizzes

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians […]

More from Inside Life

October 17, 2020

Although non-members of the LGBTQ+ community are harassed when profiled as “gay”, a lot of people believe that the QueerNigerianLivesMatter hashtag is unnecessary. Members of the LGBTQ+ community, like many Nigerians, are fighting for their right to exist. They are victims of police brutality. So, we spoke to some queer Nigerian protesters to tell us […]

October 8, 2020

Nigerians are many things, depending on what the situation they are in requires them to be. And sometimes, this means putting on an imaginary white coat and prescribing drugs for themselves. Everyone is guilty of this, and that’s why we have this list of drugs lots of people use without a prescription. 1. Paracetamol The […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X