Nigerian Twitter is the ghetto. And we understand this, because lowkey there is a bit of ghetto in all of us. What I just don’t understand is how some people never make any effort to leave their ghetto behaviour behind in 2019. Why bring it into 2020 and keep disgracing yourself? Anyway, I have been watching, and after a long period of constant observation, I am proud to present to you this list of people whose behaviour will disgrace you.
1. Tacha’s Titans.
I don’t know what kind of humans these people are. Who dates them, what school they finished from, what book they read last, etc. Because their activities on Twitter eh. At least thrice in a week, there is a trending hashtag: #TachaXYellowGarri; #OpenBorderForTacha #TachaWeWillDieOnTopYourMatter. The height of it for me was when the Festac explosion happened and someone had the guts to tweet: The bomb was caused by the impact of Tacha. You’d have thought it would end there, only for me to see hashtag: #ProtectTachaAtAllCost.
2. Homophobic people.
I honestly don’t know why somebody’s sexual orientation is a bother to this category of people. And they are not just on Twitter alone oh, they are everywhere. Every-single-where. They want to kill and maim and destroy anybody who does not conform to their own idea of what a Godly sexual relationship should look like. And it’s funny, because this God you’re defending did not send you work.
3. Patriarchy Twitter (aka What are the feminists doing about this?)
Let’s gather and pray for these ones who have decided to die on the hill of patriarchy. Day after day, they churn out something astonishingly disgraceful: “What are the feminists doing about Aisha Buhari’s lipstick? Ohoh, women are objectifying men now, nobody said anything o. Let men do the same and we will not hear word.” Me I have just one question: As a card-carrying member of Patriarchy Twitter, is it your life’s ambition to objectify women? No, don’t tell me the answer. Look into the mirror and say it to yourself.
4. Arewa Twitter.
The hypocrisy and disgrace from this end is amazing. Someone (a lady, of course) will smile in a photo and a certain Kamaldeen with 6 followers will come and say, “You are going to hell for showing men your smile. Are you not supposed to be covered up?” But go to Kamaldeen’s Twitter and he’s retweeting and endorsing tweets from Oscar-winning porn stars. I suppose those ones have inner covering, eh?
5. Pick Me Twitter (aka I will never be a feminist, aka I will cook for my husband every day of my life)
Look, I get it. They want to be picked by men. And nobody really cares, actually. Go out and get your toxic man, sis. Nobody is dragging him with you. Just stop disgracing yourself on the road to your pick me-ism.
6. Politician Twitter (aka Do not insult politicians, they are old and karma is real).
Lewl for these ones. They don’t want you to speak bad against politicians or anyone related to them. Their excuse? They are old; they are trying their best, karma is real, poor citizens are also complicit. Monsieurs et mademoiselles of this category, please inbox your sizes so we can get your clown outfit ready.
Still on the matter of Twitter people, have you read this? 8 Times Twitter People Took Sex To Another Level