For Rest Of Mind In This Country, These Are The Things We Really Need

November 24, 2018

Maybe it’s glasses or special gloves. But the thing that will let me know if ponmo is soft before it enters my plate, I need it. Fast!

Iya Moria has punished me too many times.

Anything that can make me jump traffic like this in Nigeria, please make it happen.

Let me just turn to transformer when third-mainland starts nonsense.

Maybe it’s spirit we’ll employ last-last. But Nigerians need something that’ll shout “don’t pick this call, it’s money they want to ask for” when people want to turn you to GTB ATM.

But really, won’t this be mad?

Imagine if our cars had automatic koboko for when Danfo drivers start misbehaving. No stress, you’ll be in the car and it’ll be doing its thing

Or something that can just rake keke-marwas, when they think they can be dragging road unnecessarily.

I’m tired at this point. If it’s special face-cap we can be wearing for our generators so they won’t be so noisy, somebody make it please!

As money for Mikano isn’t set.

You know what every Nigerian needs? Their own siren! Once those politicians start making noise like this, we turn it to choir meeting.

If soldier catches you, don’t bring them to Zikoko office oh!

Since mosquitoes have turned Baygon to body spray, if we could just get like automatic slappers to catch them, it won’t be bad.

If you’re feeling this say “yeah-yeah”

I don’t know how Whatsapp wants to do it, but something that can be replying my mommy automatically: “wow that’s true”,when she starts with her BCs. Quick, please.

It has reached SOS at this point!

Who can fund this? Portable lie-detector for when our mechanics want to start moving mad?

Once they start saying: “aunty na engine problem”, it will just shout: “stop lying, it’s only spark -plug”

Do you know how mad it will be if our cars could wear invisibility cloaks when LASTMA starts their nonsense?

“your license and particu… blood of Jesus”

Speaking of things Nigerians really need. Make sure you subscribe to our #GameofVotes newsletter today. We’ll be counting down all the most important things that happen in politics leading up to the elections.

Follow the link here. Let us know what you think!
Boyin Plumptre

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

January 18, 2021

This #NairaLife is the story of a medical student stuck in a loop that is the Nigerian education system. One day, he got some information that changed his life forever, and he went from being a dependent to a provider. This is how it all happened. Let’s start with the first time you worked for […]

Recommended Quizzes

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

December 3, 2019

Are you a professional Yoruba demon? Are you walking around in search of whose life you can wreck at any given time? Well, this quiz knows exactly how many hearts you’ve shattered to date, and before you lie that your result is inaccurate, just remember that Zikoko is never wrong. Now, take it and be […]

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

More from Citizen

January 13, 2021

On Tuesday, January 12, 2021, the Ministry of Finance, Budget, and National Planning presented the approved 2021 budget to the public via a virtual conference call. If you missed it, here are a few things we think you will be interested in.  1. How will Nigeria finance the budget deficit? Finance Minister Zainab Ahmed said […]

January 1, 2021

Abroad Life has a special place in my heart. I’m always super happy to speak to people about their lives and how living abroad has changed the way they view things. It’s also really great to hear people’s stories and see foreigners through the eyes of Nigerians. Today, I’m going to be sharing the most […]

December 28, 2020

On December 20, a video of Mrs Deborah Okezie, mother to Don Davis, an 11-year-old JSS1 student of Deeper Life High School, Uyo, was sexually molested and starved at school surfaced on the internet. In the video, Mrs Okezie lamented about her son’s status. “They [senior students] will remove his boxer and push their legs and hands into his anus,” she said. “Look at a child I sent to school,” she adds, “he came back with a broken anus.”

December 25, 2020

Today’s subject on Abroad Life talks about how she moved from Kaduna to Abeokuta to Lagos then Budapest while searching for a better quality of life. She doesn’t think Hungary is much better than Nigeria, but she’s satisfied there. Let’s start with Nigeria. Where did you grow up? I grew up in Abeokuta state. I’m […]

Ex-Swift Recovery
December 17, 2020

On August 20th, 2019, the Federal Government of Nigeria introduced “Operation Ex-Swift Response”. The goal of the operation was to reduce insecurity through a complete closure of Nigeria’s land borders. In the operation, the Nigerian Customs Service (NCS), the Nigerian Immigration Service (NIS), the Armed Forces of Nigeria (AFN) the Nigerian Police Force (NPF), and […]

December 11, 2020

It is a common saying that art imitates life, but sometimes it goes beyond that. Through different civil right movements in history, music has played a vital role in serving as an ever potent channel of activism, and an alternative means of documentation.  Over the past few months, the entire globe witnessed the #EndSARS protests […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X