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  • Nigeria’s hit machine, Adewale Mayowa Emmanuel (Mayorkun), aka The Mayor of Lagos (TMOL), notable for his ad-libs “Gege!”, “This bread no be Agege!”, is the toast of every musician for a hit song. Have you been wondering how you can meet Mayorkun? We have brought fast and guaranteed ways for you. 

    1. In your dreams

    Your dreams are valid, my dear. Go to bed listening to Mayorkun at exactly volume four; it won’t work if it gets higher. Listen to his songs for precisely 27 minutes and fall asleep. He will show up in your dreams and discuss Agege bread with you.

    1. When you stream his videos 

    Or you can just stream his videos to see why Davido said he is the biggest artist in 2020. 

    1. Attend his concerts 
    Mayor Of Lagos Concert: Mayorkun Assumes Office With Shutdown Performance | The Guardian Nigeria News - Nigeria and World NewsGuardian Life — The Guardian Nigeria News – Nigeria and World News

    This one will be hard now that they have started closing event centres, but when they open, break your piggy bank and pay for a Mayorkun show. If you don’t have enough money, manifest it. 

    1. Tell God

    You can just report him to God and beg God to manifest your love into Mayorkun’s heart. If Mayorkun does not see you, he should not be able to Gege again.

    1. Try Davido

    Just go to his dm every day and be calling him boss until he responds. When he finally replies to you, ask him to fix a meeting between you and Mayorkun.

    1. Go to the Agege and shout TMOL 3 times
    The "Roll Safe" Meme Is The Best Way To Kick Off Black History Month

    What is his name? The Mayor of Lagos. What is his favourite saying? Gege. Think about it. If you stand at the highest peak of the busiest roundabout in Agege and call his name, Mayorkun will appear in flesh and blood.

    1. Mayorkun becomes your driver
    Keep It Fresh! Mayorkun Bags Endorsement With Close Up

    In the Close-up Season of smile campaign, Mayorkun will be driving around Lagos to pick random people and be their driver for the day. Mayorkun will be giving many people a reason to smile. Wahala for who no dey road when Mayorkun dey pick passengers o.

    Read also: 6 Slangs Every IJGB Needs To Learn.

  • Nigeria’s President, Muhammadu Buhari opened 2021 with a national address to Nigerians. We know you did not watch it, so here are seven things Buhari said in his address. 

    1. 2020 was a bad boy

    “The year 2020 was one of the most trying years since our existence as a Nation”.

    Buhari’s address opened with him acknowledging that 2020 was a difficult year for Nigeria. We agree; ignoring the death of peaceful #EndSARS protesters killed in public view must have been very difficult.

    2. Our enemies did not win

      “We have confounded the many pundits at home and around the world who never gave the newly-born country that emerged unto the world stage on 1st October 1960 a chance of surviving much longer than a few years.”

      Buhari’s address reflected on Nigeria’s 60th independence anniversary that happened last year, stating that our enemies said we would not survive but look at us today.

      3. Home or away, Nigerian youths are proper ballers

      “Our young people are our most valuable natural resource, at home and abroad. Their ingenuity, creativity, innovation and entrepreneurial spirit is evident to all. Many of our young people are excelling in various spheres of life including sports, entertainment, information and communication technology, commerce and are globally recognised as achievers.”

      Buhari admits here that the youths have brought their A-game, stop calling them lazy. Let us support them small, especially those Paystack boys.

      4. We will SEA what we can do

      “This administration would continue focusing on delivering key strategic priorities under our “SEA” – (Security, Economy and Anti-Corruption) Agenda.”

      SEA is the version of Yar’Adua’s 7-point-agenda that did not finish from school.

      5. We have been trying since Jonah left, ha, you people should see nau

      “Nevertheless, I call upon all Nigerians to carefully recall the circumstances of our coming to office, the facts on the ground and the resources at our disposal since 2015 with the accomplishments of this administration”.

      Buhari said he has been trying since 2015 — e no just easy to be starboy. That Jonah boy did not do his work, so Buhari says he has to be the tough guy.

      6. COVID-19 vaccine fit come and e fit no come

      “…Keeping our country safe from a resurgent cycle of COVID-19 as this administration finalises its plans to procure and efficiently and effectively distribute the COVID-19 vaccines.”

      That COVID-19 vaccine is expensive small o, but I’ll see what I can do.

      7. I remain the starboy

      “As your elected President, my pledge to you is the same as it has always been; I will play my part fully and without fear or favour.  I invite all of us to do the same”

      Buhari has noted that he remains the baddest boy in the hood, and you should support his ambitions, even if you do not believe in him dreams.

    • As you are eating this holiday period to make up for all the 2020 accumulated stress, we have brought you effective ways to enjoy your food. 

      1. Eat and watch something 

      If you eat while watching an interesting movie, you’ll most likely not know when your plate of Jollof will finish. Why do you think they give a big box of popcorn at the cinema? 

      1. Share

      We know you are going to get extra food this period, share your food with other people. Remember they say “eat alone and die alone”.

      1. Remember to mute Twitter Doctors

      Twitter Doctors will not stop shaming you for eating one type of food, thereby making you feel guilty for eating. This holiday season, mute all of them and eat your stomach’s fill. But eat responsibly.

      1. Eat in small amounts

      Don’t eat everything at once. Eat small amounts over a long period. This way you can eat with ease and still enjoy every meal.

      1. Use Gaviscon

      In case you’re worried your stomach will stop working, Gaviscon is your padi. Gaviscon is a medication that helps to relieve heartburn and indigestion. You can even carry Gaviscon along with you wherever you are going.

      Use Gaviscon today and eat all the Christmas and new year food without worry. Remember to put Gaviscon in your hamper packs. Let your friends and families eat without worrying about heartburn and indigestion too.

      Read also: 5 Nigerians Share What They Love About 2020

    • “I said yes to my best friend”, “We married in a pandemic”, “To forever”. Our social media timelines have been filled with news of people racing 2020 to get married, so we have asked wedding goers what the wildest things they have seen at weddings were. And this is what they said.

      1. Kawthar, 25

      There was this wedding I attended where the bride’s parents were divorced. At the reception, when it was time for the parents to dance together, the mother refused. Her friends tried to edge her on but she did not care o. The bride went to meet her, begging her to dance for a few minutes. It was so embarrassing.  When she eventually agreed to dance, she made sure she went with enough crowd to make the man feel unimportant. Her friends danced with her, sprayed her money, and everyone ignored the man. He eventually left the wedding. 

      1. Haawah, 22

      At this wedding I attended, the groom came with just friends and no relative. The bride’s father insisted on seeing the groom’s relative otherwise the wedding would not hold. The groom did not even beg, he just left with his friends. We sha collected free food and left too.

      1. Loveth, 24

      The groom was making passes at me. What made it troubling was that he was not even hiding it. He was beside his bride and making passes. I wonder what type of marriage they will have.

      1. Rasheedah, 23

      I attended a wedding with my aunt, and she was asking the waiter for food over and over. Eventually, the waiter shouted at her. I was so embarrassed, I had to leave.

      1. Ahmed, 24

      Dancing photographs. Apparently, the couple were abroad, but the ceremony was necessary for home-based fans. The photographs were treated with respect as if they were the couple themselves. It was funny.

      1. Iyanu, 20

      I attended a wedding with my dad, and he went to change the DJ because he wasn’t playing gospel music. Mind you, he was not a relative to either of the couple. I’ll forever be embarrassed. And yes, a new DJ with a gospel soundboard was brought in.

      Read also: 7 Ways To Collect Money From Your Stingy Uncle

    • What happened? 

      On December 20, a video of Mrs Deborah Okezie, mother to Don Davis, an 11-year-old JSS1 student of Deeper Life High School, Uyo, who was sexually molested and starved at school surfaced on the internet. In the video, Mrs Okezie lamented about her son’s status.  “They [senior students] will remove his boxer and push their legs and hands into his anus,” she said. “Look at a child I sent to school,” she adds, “he came back with a broken anus.” 

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgQW7GXuum0&feature=youtu.be

      The video gathered attention in the days that followed, leading to a reaction from the school, government intervention, and online protests. 

      What happened at the school

      According to Mrs Okezie, Don Davis was moved from a junior hostel to live with seniors because he was bedwetting. At the new accommodation, he was bullied by the senior students, sexually violated, and his meals taken from him. As to why Don Davis had remained silent, “they said if he complained he will be a dead man,” said Mrs Okezie.

      How did the church react? 

      The Deeper Life Bible Church, owners of the high school involved, have since tweeted on December 21, that they were investigating the issue, and that “appropriate disciplinary action will be meted out to all culprits in this unfortunate act”. 

      According to the mother, however, Don Davis had since been taken to the hospital for medical treatment. On the day he was admitted (Sunday, December 20), Deeper Life board members came kneeling and begging in the hospital. She added that by Monday, December 21, the same day Deeper Life announced their investigation, the church’s representatives were on air alleging that Don Davis came to the school bedridden, saying she was not his mother. 

      The mother did not only refute these but has now circulated pictures of the boy, before and after going to school, while also saying she will go as far as a DNA test to prove she is Don Davis’ mother.  

      Although the college’s principal has been suspended, there has been no concrete update on the church or school’s part on the issue. 

      The government’s role

      The Permanent Secretary, Ministry of Education, Akwa Ibom State, Mrs Helen Anthony Ante, called for a meeting between Don Davis’ parents and parents of the abusers. Don Davis’ mum said they were intimidated at the meeting, which was hosted at the Commissioner for Education’s office. According to Okezie, the commissioner threatened her for doing a live broadcast updating Facebook users about the situation. “They collected my phone from me,” she says. 

      She also mentioned that another parent said they would beat her up in front of the commissioner. 

      Social media support

      Several social media accounts have shown support for the family’s fight towards getting justice for Don Davis. #JusticeForDonDavis is being used to gather attention on the issue, so it does not get swept under the carpet and action can be taken.

      https://twitter.com/BhadmusAkeem/status/1343572654876450818
      https://twitter.com/BhadmusAkeem/status/1343571863717474304

      Have you read this? 5 Nigerians Share What They Love About 2020

    • 2020 has been the year known for a global pandemic, closed doors and remote working. As the year comes to an end, we ask 5 Nigerians to share the things that they loved in 2020, despite all the hindrances. 

      1. Ruth, 21

      In November 2019, I got the news that my hip bones were dying. Moving about took a lot of energy and I wanted a break. By January 2020, I was supporting my walking with crutches. Going to class was so painful.

      By March, the lockdown and ASUU strike gave me the opportunity to recover. I ate well, slept  well and had a healthier lifestyle. I even tried a plant-based diet. It’s December 2020 and I don’t need the crutches anymore.

      2. Halimah, 22 

      What I love most about 2020 is that it forced me to be around friends and relatives rather than being alone by myself. It’s been years since I felt this good about being around people. The process has been healing.

      3. Damilola, 27

      One of the things I loved about this year was how it felt like the end of the world. It made me enjoy the 2020 experience more. Whatever I was doing, I had to make it count. The sense of urgency really made me put myself out there, and I fell in love. I was in touch with every emotion and totally enjoyed it.

      4. Jonathan, 29

      2020 made me stay away from people without feeling guilty about it. The restrictions made it easier to prioritise meeting people. This allowed me to have more quality time whenever I eventually met anyone. I ended up in an amazing relationship because there weren’t so many distractions or the urgency to be in other meetings.

      5. Damola, 20

      I saw Eurovision for the first time this year and I loved it. I also discovered my dream country, Finland, and became obsessed, searching all social media platforms for someone from that country until I found a chef. Meeting a Chef made me happy because I was working towards a culinary school. I also got an awesome job and I am a few steps away from being in my dream country.

      Read Next: 5 Nigerians Share Their Best Christmas Memory.

    • Christmas is an annual celebration of the birth of Christ, characterized by gifting, being around friends and relatives, and making beautiful memories. We asked 5 Nigerians to share their most memorable Christmas experiences with us, and this is what they said:

      1. Martha, 23 

      Most memorable should be the year I left secondary school. My family did a photoshoot, got Christmas hats and my brothers taught my dad how to play assassin’s creed. It’s the full house playing scrabble and video games once a year that makes it memorable. We all lived in different states in the country, so everyone coming together made it very special.

      1. Fatiha, 21

      Every Christmas apart from this one is memorable for me. My cousins and their parents are Christians, and they come from Ondo State every Christmas to their holiday home in Akure. I am their favourite cousin, so I tag along. The Akure home has everything in abundance. We eat, watch Korean dramas, have fun on the balcony (great view) and talk. It’s one of my best days of the year. 

      1. Chinenye, 24

      Christmas has always meant too much cooking and stress and other annoying things at home for me, and I’ve never been that into Christmas. Last year was the most memorable. I was with Chima, my boyfriend, my little sister her boyfriend, and my friend, Lily. I made rice and chicken, and she made Afang. We had ice cream and cake, wore Christmas hats, took tons of pictures and played like little kids. 

      1. Damilola, 23

      Christmas 2007. My childhood had great Christmases, but this one stood out because it was one of the first we spent away from home. We went to my maternal grandma’s house. It was one of the few times my mom and her siblings from the same parents could be together under one roof. It was also the first time I met my cousins, and I instantly clicked with the first son, Segun, even though he was three years younger than I was. I was comfortable.  This memory sticks out because it’s one of the few memories I still have of my time with my cousin before he was killed in the university about two years ago. 

      1. Faith, 20

      In November 2018, my uncle, who is a tanker driver, had an accident in Nassarawa. He was our favourite uncle, the type that dashes you money for no reason. He even sent me ₦5k last Monday. This uncle also has diabetes and treating him cost us so much. So we went from hospital to hospital trying to get him proper care. He wouldn’t stop bleeding. At the hospital, we were told he had intracranial haemorrhage. He was bleeding in his brain.

      He had a surgery on the 23rd and woke up on the 24th. We were so happy ehn, Jesus. We sent him fruit salad and chicken that night.

      On the 29th, his words started slurring, and he complained of a migraine when he tried to talk. They took him back to ABUTH, and we were told the bleeding was on the other side of his brain too, that the first CT scan only showed it on one side, so they had to do surgery and drain the blood on the opposite side of his head. Haa, that was how we went for surgery again. And he came out all fine. I was glad.

      You can enjoy more Zikoko Christmas themed stories here.

    • It is Christmas time and families are bound to host visits from distant relatives, including Uncle Soji, who laughs louder than the Mikano generator at boring jokes. You were on your own in 2019 when Uncle Soji asked you to send your account details in front of everyone, but the stingy man is yet to send money. Here is how to get money from stingy uncles this Christmas holiday.

      1. Ask them in front of everyone

      Stingy uncles like to brag in front of the world. The best way to get money from them is to ask them in front of everyone. Please, you don’t take bank transfer. Your bank is not working. Uncle Soji has to give you cash in front of everybody. If he wants to be shameless, out-shameless him. The game is the game. 

      1. Tell them you have medical crisis 

      Grab your stomach and start rolling in the mud like the Nigerian economy. If anyone comes close, do not respond. Just keep rolling until Uncle Soji and his stingy self comes close to do superhero. Then grab his white shirt and start shouting surgery. Don’t leave his agbada until he brings out money. 

      1. Fake your death

      Stingy uncles like to show the most sympathy when relatives die. They start talking about how they had so many plans for you. If not for death, stingy Uncle Soji would have sent you to Havard. At this point, jump out of your coffin and threaten him as a ghost. Shake his soul until he has transferred money to you. Please, plan this one with your mother otherwise you’ll actually die when she slaps you. 

      1. Take his name to Babalawo

      If his side-chicks can use kayanmata on him, why not you? Take Uncle Soji’s stingy face to Babalawo before sending him your account details. He cannot be promising you and failing. Even Jesus will understand. You need that money to celebrate Jesus’ birthday nau. 

      1. Find his side-chick

      This one will guarantee you long term funding. Uncle Soji does not want his wife to know about his side-chick, so you have to go the Inspector Fashola Holmes way. Find his side-chick(s) and take pictures of them together. He either sends you money or you send to his wife. 

      1. Send your last born

      Children know how to embarrass stingy uncles. They will remind Uncle Soji how he promised Aunty Florence money but won’t remember where they put their food flask. Utility players. Promise the child ₦200 and watch them collect ₦20k for you. Outsmart the system.

      1. Deploy Mommy

      This will come at a loss of at least 60% investment, but deploying Mommy works. Mommies know how to move a conversation from jollof rice to how Uncle Soji is yet to give you money he promised in 2019. Mummies will take at least 60-80% of the amount recovered while reminding you of the breasts that raised you, but at least, you have cashed out from stingy Uncle Soji.

      These ways are surefire to get you your Christmas coins. Don’t say we did nothing for you. 

    • It is December, and as always, I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are now in town to remind us that the weather in Heathrow in different from the one in Honolulu. While IJGBs have knowledge of worlds, we have knowledge of words. Here are six slangs IJGBs have to learn to blend in.

      1. On God

      Nigerians are so in love with God that when they realised God was not mentioned in the first stanza of the National anthem, they created a second stanza that starts with “Oh God of creation”. When Nigerians say “On God”, they are telling you to do your best and trust God to handle the rest. When you ask a Nigerian if clubbing will happen tonight, dear IJGB, “On God” = As long as God lives, we will ball!

      1. We go run am

      This is the slang home-based Nigerians want to hear from you when they complain about their economic predicament. As a bag of rice is now worth the same amount as a plot of land in Ibadan, we go run am is the slang you need to comfort home-based Nigerians that help is coming soon. You can also just ask for their account number.

      1. E be things

      E be things is a general slang on the complexity of life. This is what you say when you realise that problems are not tailored to frustrate you, problems just exist and there is nothing you can do about them. E be the things is the hood equivalent of “Well… that’s life”. When you get stuck in traffic on your way to pick up glazed doughnuts, E be things is what you tweet to let home-based Nigerians know what’s up.

      1. At all at all na im bad pass

      This is the slang to use when you are expecting ₦10m in your account, and you get ₦1k. It is you saying “I know I deserve better, but I will manage.” 

      1. I can’t kill myself

      After all the freezing cold in Toronto, and the lockdown in London, you are now home to enjoy yourself, but people won’t stop asking why you like partying so much. To remind your haters that it has been a stressful year, the right slang to tweet post-hangover is “I can’t kill myself”. That way, your haters will know you don’t care. You just want to enjoy the holidays. 

      1. Omo

      If all else fails, try omo. Omo is “innit” that didn’t see visa to collect. It fits into every context. Omo is the slang for when you see a hot guy/babe. Omo is the slang for when someone hits your car. Omo is the slang for a bowl of Isi-ewu that hits every part of your body. Omo is a sentence, a phrase, a word, a culture depending on how you use it. 

      Which slang did we miss?