If you think babies are a handful, wait till you meet toddlers. Here’s a list of things toddler mums can relate to, according to Thelma:
Eating alone is a no-no
Toddlers will beg for everything you put in your mouth, and sometimes, they’d just try to take it without asking. If you want to enjoy your meal alone, hide in your room. Good luck with that though because hiding from a toddler is close to impossible.
They are like a shadow, they follow you everywhere, even to the toilet. The smell doesn’t faze them so you better get used to it.
Always going out with extra clothes
If there’s one thing about toddlers, it’s that they are going to stain their clothes…and yours too. Sometimes, they just want to roll in the dirt and you have to be ready for such.
Now that they can walk, they know how to find their way to your bed without your invitation. So remember to leave space for them.
When there’s silence, you know it’s bad news
Toddlers are always up to no good. When you can’t hear your toddler anymore, check on them as soon as you can…if you like your house.
Playing the same game 500 times
And it won’t be enough because they’ll still cry once you stop. To be with a toddler is to have strength 24/7.
Knowing all the lines to cocomelon and not by choice
You’ll know the lines to every other cartoon. You’ll be well-versed on the call and responses, the dances as well. If you don’t know how to dance, practice before your baby becomes a toddler.
Constantly saving them from killing themselves
The worst part is that they will wail, kick and sulk because you didn’t allow them to swallow a pebble they saw on the floor. God abeg.
Your home will always be littered with toys
No matter how many times you tidy up, your house is always going to be messy, thanks to your toddler. As they grow older though, you can teach them to clean up after themselves, but until then, pele.
If you’re one of the people whose June salary is coming this week, please note that you will be eaten when it’s time to eat the rich. Until then, here are 10 of the funniest tweets from Nigerian women in June:
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Uyai, 33, and Ayo, 28, have been dating for a year. This week on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Instagram, dating each other while they were in primary relationships, and eventually, breaking up with those partners to be together.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Uyai: In 2019, I was at BarBar on a date when I saw Ayo with her friends. She was wearing a white shirt and shorts, and she looked so happy with her friends. I thought she was interesting but I didn’t talk to her.
Ayo: I don’t even remember that day. But in May 2021, my partner at the time was showing me YouTube videos and Uyai happened to be in one of them. She looked cute and friendly, so I went on my Instagram and reached out to her. My goal was to connect with more queer people in Lagos.
Uyai, did you remember her from BarBar when you got the DM?
Uyai: Not immediately. It was after I went through her profile I remembered. We got talking and she asked to meet up.
Ayo: We didn’t hang out until a month later because this babe had one excuse or the other. The day we eventually did, she told me she’d have to be back home early because the moon was potent.
Sis?
Uyai: Yes, I needed to do my full moon rituals.
Ayo: And she also needed to be with her partner.
Uyai: LOL. That too. But we had fun that day. We went to ArAbesQue, a restaurant in VI.
Ayo: And I saw this babe’s ass. It looked so good. I had to ask why she doesn’t post pictures of her ass on Instagram.
Uyai: LOL. After the date, Ayo followed me home and we kissed. It was shortlived because I needed her to leave.
Why?
Uyai: My primary partner was coming over. Ayo came back two days later though because she forgot her lighter. For the next five days, she always had an excuse for us to see each other. And when we did, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
We were also friends despite the sexual thing going on. Ayo became the one I’d text whenever I had issues.
Ayo: I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. One time, I went to her house and ended up staying six days.
Uyai: I was worried about what my primary partner would think.
Ayo: I also had a primary partner who’d also become uncomfortable with the relationship Uyai and I were building.
How did you feel about each other’s primary relationship at the time?
Uyai: I was in support of Ayo’s relationship the same way she was supportive of mine.
Ayo: …until we both knew we had to end them because of what was happening with us.
How did that happen?
Uyai: Well, it wasn’t planned. It was just getting too complicated for me. I was spending a lot of time with Ayo and my primary partner wasn’t as patient as they used to be with that.
Ayo: Same here. It made me feel bad so I had to end it.
Then, you two started dating?
Uyai: Nope. We continued to spend time together but we didn’t give any name to what we were doing.
Ayo: We were wondering how we’d fit into each other’s lives. Our circles were very different and we didn’t see how our relationship would work when our worlds collide. But then, we decided whatever happens, happens, as long as we have each other.
Uyai: Another thing is we really didn’t want to rush into a relationship too soon. So we just remained in the talking stage.
In August 2021, we went to Tarkwa Bay for two days. The intimate time we shared there really helped our relationship grow. We had this thing where we would ask ourselves, on a scale of one to ten, where we think we’re at right now. We started from a good 6, then 7 before 9, but I don’t think we ever got to 10.
Ayo: I think because we were both scared that getting to 10 meant much more than what we were doing. We didn’t date till February this year (2022)…
Uyai: …when Ayo asked me to be her girlfriend.
Tell me how it happened
Ayo: We were talking in her room one random day. The conversation about girlfriends came up and I asked if she was my girlfriend.
Uyai: I said she had to ask me directly for a relationship and she did.
Aww. So tell me about your relationship. Did you two keep the relationship open?
Ayo: No. As soon as we started dating, it became clear to us that we didn’t want to be with other people.
Uyai: We would tell each other all the time that we didn’t know how we’d feel if either us was seeing other people.
Ayo: Yup, and we just stayed closed. The truth is we’d been committed to each other long before I asked her to be my girlfriend.
Uyai: But once that happened, I felt safer with her. We started making more career and travel plans together.
Nice! I’m curious about your biggest fight. What happened?
Ayo: It was basically a trust thing. Uyai saw my conversation with my ex where I was telling her what went wrong in our relationship and it caused a fight.
Uyai: I was super hurt. I was learning to trust her when this happened and I can be a vengeful person so the bigger fight happened when Ayo saw my own messages with my ex.
Ayo: This babe was reminiscing over pictures with her ex. I was like wow. I was so sad.
Uyai: Yeah, and for the first time we didn’t know what to do or where to go from there. It felt like there was a wall between us.
Ayo: I didn’t want us to get to the point of gbas gbos.
How did you resolve it? Did the moon intercede?
Uyai: I can’t lie, I cast a lot of spells. I also wrote her a long letter talking about the whole thing.
Ayo: After reading it, we talked. There was a lot of active reassurance from both of us. We were eventually okay and have been since then.
Uyai: Also, we always try to speak tenderly even when we are mad at each other. We listen and are quick to apologise when we understand how our actions have hurt the other person. Ayo is very quick to ask, “What can I do better?” I love that and I’m learning it from her.
Sweet. What attracts you both to each other?
Uyai: Apart from the fact that Ayo looks like a model, she is intelligent. She is super creative. I could go to Ayo with my problem and she’d have so many ideas for me. I love how she cares for the people in her life too. She’s so intentional and it’s beautiful to watch.
Ayo: Uyai is so beautiful and her features are unique. Then, there’s her ass.
Aside from the physical, she’s thoughtful. I’ve never met someone as sweet as she is. Her writing is amazing. Everytime she writes me a letter, it warms my heart.
She’s also generous. I can say something without giving it much thought, and the next day, she’ll have it delivered to me.
Awww. On that note, rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten.
Ayo: 10, because we’re so good together. Our communication is great and I know we can only get better.
Uyai: 10 too, because I think Ayo is perfect. This is not to say she doesn’t have any faults but the faults make Ayo who she is. Those little things make up this relationship. The way we are, I’ve never experienced it before in any of my past relationships.
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Breakups are hard, whether we admit it or not. A terrible breakup can have you in bed, weeping and refusing to eat for days. Even when it’s a mutual agreement to part ways, you might still struggle to navigate it.
Some people get over heartbreaks faster than others and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But for us slow lovers, here’s a list of things that helped me get over my own break up.
Don’t lie to yourself
First, don’t lie to yourself about what happened. It has happened and there’s no going back. Also, forget about getting back together. It does you more harm than good.
Don’t stalk them
Don’t read their tweets hoping for an inside joke or subs about missing you. They have new jokes now, new experiences you’re not part of, and you have yours too. This is a call to look at what’s in front of you.
Remember that they are not your person, not anymore. This means you won’t get updates on what they’re up to, if they got their visa, when they’re leaving or if they like the new girl they’re seeing. None of these concern you. You will learn to mind your business.
Don’t contact them
Don’t send them messages trying to check how they are doing, especially if you didn’t end your relationship on good terms. Remember that before you, they were okay, and after you, they’d still be okay. This also applies to you.
Cry
Cry when you want to. Hold yourself when you cry. There’s no use pretending you’re bigger than the hurt. You are a person who feels things. This too shall pass.
Fall in love
Fall in love. Not just with people but with things. Go outside, breath in air tainted with humanity. Go to the beach, watch how the waves come and go. Remind yourself that life is in cycles.
Talk to your friends; let them soothe you. Tell them about the pain. Don’t feel like you’re being a burden and no one wants you. They want to be there for you, so let them.
Affirm yourself
Remind yourself that you’re still the sun. Acknowledge your part in the breakup. Make your pledge to be better. Make a home in yourself so when this happens again, you know your way back.
This is a question that keeps everyone up at night. Why are women obsessed with serial killer documentaries considering most of the victims are women? We did our research and came up with the following reasons:
It’s soothing
Serial killer documentaries give us a puzzle to solve. And they usually end with some sort of resolution i.e the murderer gets caught and goes to jail, which can be soothing.
Na past questions
It helps women plan their own activities. “Which activities?” you may ask. We don’t know. What we do know is you don’t want to get on the bad side of a serial killer documentary addict.
Serial killer documentaries require a lot of focus. You have to follow both the victim and the murderer’s life journeys to understand the moment they intersect. After watching tons of them, best believe your ability to focus on your tasks would be enhanced. This includes daily life tasks like house chores and work duties.
It helps us think deeper
Serial killer documentaries challenge you to think deeper and read between the lines. This is a very useful skill for every aspect of life.
It strengthens our third eye
How else do we know when our partners are cheating? We are able to sense these things beforehand. Call it the third eye, call it spidey senses, the point is we sha know.
We learn ways to find out how our partners think. Things like stalking their social media, waiting outside their office and hanging around their favourite bar to gather insight you can use to make them your partner.
Self-love is one of those things we all need, but only a few people have it. The journey to loving yourself is a tedious yet necessary process. To help you out a little, here’s a list of tips to help you trick your mind into loving yourself:
Go easy on yourself
Meet yourself where you are. Tell yourself the truth, and if you can help it, ask why you feel the way you do about yourself. The point of this is to understand the root cause of the problem and combat it.
Less negative talk about yourself
Negative self-talk is one of the first things you’d have to let go of on the journey to self-love. The mind absorbs things and goes on to manifest them. If you believe your body is ugly, your mind will always remind you of it. This is where the trick comes in. Challenge negative self-talk with positive affirmations, or try not to think about them.
Remove things that make you feel bad about yourself
This can include cutting off friends who make snide comments and jokes about your body. You could also do a social media cleanse where you remove accounts you don’t resonate with from your various timelines. This way, you get to control the energy you receive.
Learn to take more pictures of yourself. It helps you see yourself. You might not like the picture at the moment, but after a while, you’ll wonder why you hated it.
Look in the mirror
Don’t avoid the mirror. It helps you in the same way taking pictures does. Over time, you will accept what you see in the mirror, and that acceptance will grow into love.
Self-love is not an individual thing. It requires the help of those around you. Share your issues with them and allow them to affirm you whenever possible.
Therapy
If you can, try therapy. It always helps. You hav to remember that the process is not linear, but your therapist will be there to guide you through it.
The house I grew up in is the oldest memory I have of home and loneliness. It was a three-bedroom flat in a small white duplex in Evboutubu, Benin City. Our neighbours called it “white house” and used it as a landmark to describe other places. It had a rusting green roof I looked forward to seeing on my way from school. Adorning the low fence was a burst of red and green flowers I plucked for the play soups I cooked in the backyard when no one was looking.
Behind the house was a stretch of land with trees every foot. I remember running around those trees with my brothers and the neighbour’s kids on Saturdays. The guava tree was just behind our flat, the one from which the canes my siblings and I were flogged with were plucked. It was also the only one I ever climbed.
The mango tree was next to the orange tree which was at the extreme end of the compound, where weeds often grew. There was a coconut tree which was the tallest in the yard. My mum warned about snakes so we kept our games around the avocado tree which was next to the poultry the landlady owned.
My two brothers played rough, and I’d gotten to the stage when everybody reminded me that I’m a girl so I can’t play with the boys. My sister was too little to be my friend. I was almost always alone except for when I was running errands.
During my first term in boarding school, I would fall asleep crying and dream of going home to the house with the trees in the backyard. In my dreams, I would run around the trees with my siblings, but whenever I came home, I was still lonely as ever.
I don’t remember much else from that time except for reading a lot of books. I learnt how heavy the word “lonely” is from a book. I liked how it distinguished itself from the word ‘alone’ by describing a deep emptiness felt even in the company of friends and family. As an adult, learning that loneliness can be an emotional response to perceived isolation validated my childhood experience.
As a child, I looked forward to the days my dad spent at home, away from work. On those Saturday mornings, he would drive me and my siblings to Agho junction where he bought his weekend paper. The rides were always a fun experience. I would sit in the front seat beside my dad, listening to Bob Marley, Buju Banton and Gregory Isaacs with the glasses wound down. Till today, it’s my favourite way to ride in a car.
For lunch on Sundays, he’d take me, my siblings and my mum to Matice, Mr Biggs or Kaydees. Every Christmas holiday was spent in our village, in proximity to members of the extended family. Those days started and ended with cousins, distant relatives and friends of the family flocking in and out of our house. No matter how early or late it was, my dad would always welcome them with the same enthusiasm — introducing everyone to each other even though we’d already met. For him, home is family.
We moved out of the house with many trees, into a duplex my parents built. I was grateful to have a pink room with only one roommate, my sister. Every day, a technician or the other was in the house fixing something. One of them attached a full-length mirror to our wardrobe. Another one fit a water heater in our bathroom.
When armed robbers broke into my bedroom one Sunday morning, my first instinct was that it was the plumber holding a plunger, not a man with a gun pointed at me lying in bed. That robbery incident ended with my dad being kidnapped, and until he returned, my mum, my siblings and I slept in one bed for fear of the incident repeating itself.
He returned with scars all over his legs, saying the robbers assured him they won’t come back, something about a network of other robbers. He paid for the neighbourhood security service and had the local police squad stop by our house every evening for a couple of months. Despite our best efforts to safeguard ourselves, two years later, robbers broke into our home again. This time, I was a university student and was only at home because of the ASUU strike.
When the strike ended, I went to school and stopped going home so often. And that’s how that house stopped being home for me. When I gained admission to the university, my parents got me a small self-contained room in an apartment block off-campus. I was often too afraid to be by myself, so I spent most of my nights with my best friend at the time who lived in a shitty hostel in school, where girls bathed outside, pooped in black cellophane they tossed over the fence and denied all of it when they were asked.
During this time, home meant a lot of things. On some days, it was my father’s house. On other days, it was my best friend’s room in hall two or her parent’s house. Whenever my best friend and I fought and I had to spend the night at my house, I wouldn’t be able to sleep through the night. The room didn’t even smell familiar. The next day, I’d try to reach her so I can do whatever it took to return to normalcy.
At some point, we started fighting a lot. We were learning that we were very different people after two years of living within an inch of each other every given minute. I learnt that I didn’t really like boys or care what they thought about me the way she did. I didn’t want to be a popular girl, fake smiling at people she hated. I wanted to date girls and I did.
So I would cancel our plans to hang out and either spend time with my girlfriend or be alone in my room writing. It was during my alone time I learned to roll joints.
I didn’t notice when my room became home, but when I needed to be alone, I came to appreciate it was the last room on the block. Around this time, I dropped out of school because I was tired of lying to myself I could graduate with good grades studying a course I didn’t care for.
My move to Ilorin in 2016 was abrupt. I had been planning to go to Ghana for school after I dropped out. When my dad told me that couldn’t happen anymore because he couldn’t afford it, I knew I still had to leave Benin. There was nothing there for me. I had stopped sleeping at home again. Most of my nights were spent in clubs or with a friend.
I picked Ilorin when my dad asked where I wanted to go because it was far from everything and everyone I knew. When I arrived there and saw the rams, goats and chickens living amongst people, I was so sure I had found home. Tall trees littered the streets. Nobody was in a hurry to get away from anything. Above all, it reminded me of my father’s house in the village, with the red sand, the cool air and the trees. I fell in love immediately and the city held me. I remember how light I felt the next day, grateful to have left my trauma behind.
But what they don’t tell you is that trauma doesn’t forget.
The first time I called a person home, it was because of how safe she made me feel. I could talk to her about anything without feeling judged. We smoked joint after joint together and listened to sad girl music. With her, I could be whatever I wanted. We loved each other so much until we didn’t.
Something they don’t teach you, something I wish they did, is that home is a shapeshifting concept. Home can be a person or a place. Home isn’t static. It is whatever you want it to be. Same way you can call a place home is the same way you can declare it unsafe and move on.
If I had known this, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all those nights crying, begging my girlfriend not to leave me alone. I wouldn’t have done the things I did in a bid to keep her. When our relationship ended, I was moving into a new house with a friend — one without scars of the lives lived before I moved in, one who didn’t have memories that choked me in my sleep.
That house became home for a year until the red walls started peeling and black insects gathered at the side of my bed, leaving me with a litter of scars all over my butt and thighs. When I moved into a bigger apartment, I started to look for the things that would make it home for me.
Aside from the furniture and kitchen utensils. I wanted to feel safe wherever I called home. Then, there’s comfort. What’s home without some form of ease? Since that move, I’ve found more homes than I can count. Homes in houses, places, food and people.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Salem, 26, and Precious, 26, have been dating for three years. This week on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Instagram, starting a long distance relationship and couple’s therapy.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Precious: In January 2019, while I was still in the UK, my friend shared this video of a boy in a monochrome fit. I clicked on it to hear what he had to say because he looked cute. He talked about creating content. His voice was so smooth. I caught myself smiling and I was like, “Why am I blushing? Do I even know this boy from anywhere?” When I shared his video, he DMed me to say thank you and that’s how we started talking.
Salem: When I sent her the DM, I went through her profile and saw that she grew up in Abuja. Abuja is really small so I was surprised we’d never met, and I told her this. She said she felt like she should know me but she’d been to ten different schools. I had never met someone who had been to that many schools. I wanted to hear all about it. She said the gist would be sweeter on WhatsApp.
Precious: I was using scope to collect his number. On WhatsApp, our gist started at 7 a.m. and lasted till 4 a.m. the next day. We talked about school, work and everything in between. We’re both from the north so we had similar childhood experiences. We bonded over how we grew up. We also talked about music.
It felt like two old friends catching up. I found out that he was attending the same church I attended when I was in Nigeria. This meant we had a lot of mutual friends. At the end of the discussion, I said, “We’re going to be good friends.” I knew that I already liked him but I feared that I’d come on too strong so I just used the word “friends”. For me, it was love at first conversation.
Sweet. How did you two go from talking to dating?
Precious: We continued to talk everyday after that. I told him about my health. I’m a sickle cell patient and dating has been quite a journey for me because of this. When I told Salem about it, he said he wasn’t going to tell me he’ll be my ride or die because that’d be a lie, but he’d learn as much as possible about the disease. That melted my heart.
Salem: One day, she tweeted that the person she used to send memes and tweets to had a girlfriend now so she was looking for a replacement. I sent a DM asking what the position involved?
Precious: I told him there were some things I couldn’t laugh at publicly so I needed someone to send them to. He said he was down for the job. Some days later, he told me he liked me, and I told him I liked him back. It wasn’t too long after that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Our talking stage lasted all of two weeks.
How did you ask her out, Salem?
Salem: We were texting one day, and she said, “I’m not sure I can wait for seven months before I see you to be able to date you.” I told her I didn’t plan on waiting that long.
Precious: Then he called my full government name, “Precious Shekwonaknigami Gaza”, will you be my girlfriend? Iloved how intentional he was even though he wasn’t right in front of me. Of course, I said yes.
Salem: I said we needed a relationship plan since we were about to become a long distance couple.
Precious: I was supposed to come back to Nigeria, but for some reason, my trip got cancelled so I was stuck in the UK for seven months before we met.
Tell me about your relationship
Salem: As soon as we started dating, we set our ground rules. We asked each other for dos and don’ts and set boundaries. It was clear to me that she knew what she wanted, which is something I had not experienced before. Some of the women I’d met would want me to read their minds. Precious was explicit about how she likes to be loved.
Precious: Yup, and so far, loving him has been an interesting journey. In September 2019, I came back to Nigeria, and Salem and I met. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I stayed two months before returning to the UK, and we resumed our long distance relationship.
Salem: She came back in 2020 for NYSC and we’ve been living in the same city since then.
What’s that been like?
Salem: It was almost like we were starting our relationship afresh. There was a lot I didn’t know about how she functioned in person because most of our interaction was on FaceTime. We had to learn each other’s lifestyle and we had a lot of fights while we were at it.
Precious: For example, he likes his space and I like to invade his space. Another thing is I love to go out to eat but Salem is a homebody. Whenever I say, “Let’s go to a restaurant”, in his mind, we’re going to pick up and go back home, while I’m thinking we should sit and eat. This could lead to a mini squabble.
Salem: Honestly, things changed when she came back. I thought she was like me because when she was in the UK, she used to cook a lot but maybe it was sapa.
Precious: LOL. The weather is cold — where am I going to? Plus, all your money will finish so I was being economical in the UK. But now, I’ve come back to Nigeria with my pounds, is it not time to enjoy?
LOL. I’m curious about how you people navigated the changes?
Salem: We’re still navigating it. We compromise a lot. We’ll go out and I’ll stay longer than I want because of her, and sometimes, she’ll stay at home because of me. So far, we’re doing good.
Another thing that has caused fight for us is my relocating to Lagos.
Ehn?
Salem: I moved to Lagos for work. When I first had the conversation with Precious, it caused serious wahala.
Precious: I was crying as if they beat me.
Salem: To her, it’s like I wanted to leave her. I had to tell her it’s not about her. I love you and I want a bright future for us. It was hard to convince her but eventually she came around. One random day, she sent me a message saying, “Sorry, I wasn’t supportive when you needed me. Now, I see the big picture, I get it.”
We take turns to visit each other in our different cities.
Sweet. Can you tell me about the biggest fight you’ve ever had?
Precious: One time,I fell sick and I wasn’t on my best behaviour. The truth is whenever I’m sick, my good morals go out the window because I get frustrated. Salem was doing all he could to make me comfortable, but I was snapping at him.
Salem: I got really mad about it.
Precious: My logic was that I was sick so I should be allowed to be irritable. I expected him to have some grace for me.
Salem: I wasn’t having it. I told her the least she could do was not snap at me. We talked it out and she apologised. Then, we decided to go to therapy.
Ou. Tell me about therapy
Precious: We’ve had four sessions so far and I think couple’s therapy should be normalised.
Our therapist looks at things from both our perspectives and finds a middle ground for us to agree on. It’s such an intimate experience having your flaws listed but it allows me accept that I messed up. It shows me how I can fix up.
Salem: She asks a lot of questions that help us reach a conclusion we know for a fact we wouldn’t have been able to by ourselves. She points out the ways in which we’re ask each other for too much, and we try to work on those aspects.
Precious: Yes, therapy helped me see the ways my blood disorder affects our relationship.
Can you tell me about that?
Precious: First of all, he’s an amazing caretaker. He went from not knowing anything about sickle cell to becoming one of my primary caretakers. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him to have the person he loves in constant pain.
Salem: But it’s been tough. When she was still in the UK, offering support via FaceTime was easier. With her in Nigeria, it became a different ball game. Nothing could’ve prepared me for what I’ve experienced as a caregiver. I never had to spend nights at the hospital until we started dating.
One time, she was really sick and needed oxygen so she was rushed to the hospital. I had only seen stuff like that in movies, and then, the first time I was seeing it in real life, it was my partner. It was stunning but I’m learning to live with it.
Precious: I, on the other hand, have learnt to not downplay caregiving.
Nice. What attracts you to each other?
Precious: I love that he speaks really well. I love that he is dark-skinned and tall. He also has a nice smile that I adore.
Another thing that attracted me to him is his lack of toxic masculinity. He’s confident in his sexuality so he’s not afraid to be emotional and vulnerable with me. It’s something I really appreciate. He’s also very flexible and always ready to learn.
Salem: I love that Precious is tenacious and strong. One of my favourite things about her is that she lives like everyday is the best day of her life, as if she’s not an adult with responsibilities and stuff. I always like to say I’m in her life just to be here for her so she doesn’t float into space out of joy and spontaneity, while she’s in my life so I don’t stay on the ground forever.
I also love that she’s ambitious. I work hard but I’m not trying to be Bill Gates, but Precious is actually trying to be president of the world. She goes hard at everything she decides to do and I’m a huge fan.
Rate this relationship on a scale of one to ten.
Precious: 11 for me. I found my best friend and soulmate in one person. Apart from the romance in our relationship, there’s also a very solid friendship, and I love that about us.
Salem: 11 for me too because I can’t imagine life with anybody else.
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Feelings — the dreaded disease on the streets. Its symptoms include blushing too hard, double texting, sending care packages, travelling together, you know how it goes. In some cases, your person catches feelings too, and you both proceed to explore the relationship you have with each other. In other cases, your person is clueless or repulsed by the idea of a romantic connection and you are left alone to eat the proverbial breakfast. But what if I told you catching feelings wasn’t the worst thing to happen to you on the streets? What if the person you’re seeing is an armed robber or a BAT advocate? Did you think about that?
On a more serious note, the streets, as the dating scene is fondly called, is what you make of it. The experience you get when you’re fresh out of a relationship you ended is different from when you’re lonely and looking to settle down with someone who wants the same things. For the latter, people who have been on the streets long enough can smell it and sometimes take advantage of it. That’s where the fear of catching feelings comes in. The fear that you will be the only one aching for something you can’t have. But what if you don’t want anything? What if you just want to stay in the moment and enjoy what you have with this person?
Permit me to summarise feelings as love. If Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection, it explains why people are so afraid of it. But consider this, maybe what people fear isn’t love but rejection. And what if we removed this fear and replaced it with something else.
I want to take it up a notch and remind you that catching feelings for someone you’re intimate with is a reminder that you’re human and you function the way you are supposed to. Affection is a natural phenomenon. We experience a range of feelings for the stretch of people in our lives. These feelings include love and pain, and they can be fickle or enduring, depending on who you’re exploring them with.
The idea that you need to have one person who adores you comes from a world where marriage and kids are the core purpose of being on earth. This is a world most Nigerian youths are unlearning. They are looking for other sources of purpose like their work, philanthropic causes or drugs. If your goal is not marriage and you’re just looking to date people for the sake of it, things become simpler, and dare I say, as fickle as life.
Maybe I have this mentality because the first time I joined the streets I was in an open relationship and I wasn’t looking for commitment. Being on the streets and living in the moment has taught me to manage loss better. In 2020, my partner and I broke up but it didn’t hit me till March 2022 because we lived together throughout that time. Then, I found a poem called “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop in which she encourages all of us to embrace loss because it builds character.
This is not to say that the fear of loss isn’t valid. Many have been burned before and dread a repeat scene. But the hard truth is that you’re going to be burned again anyway. Relationships require a lot of work and this work can be tedious enough to leave scars along the way. If it doesn’t work out, you’re still going to be hurt. Plus, it’s not healthy to be so afraid of being heartbroken. You already live in Nigeria, why do you want to add to your emotional strain? This is a call to unpack that fear, toss it out the window and chase what you want.
Personally, I think everybody needs some kind of plan for navigating the streets. Ask yourself why you are on the streets and what you aim to achieve. It’s much easier when you know what you want and you don’t have fear dictating your moves. Right now, I’m looking to explore connections that thrill me and I don’t mind catching feelings along the way.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Oba, 26, and Precious, 27, have been dating for four years. This week on Love Life, they talk about meeting on a group chat, falling into a relationship even though they were dating other people and the one incident that almost broke them.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Oba: In April 2018, we were on the same WhatsApp group for queer women, and we were both admins. We met when the group hung out for the first time.
Precious: I was late for the hangout because of traffic. When I saw her at the thing, I thought she looked nice.
Oba: Me, I felt an attraction towards her. We went to buy suya for the hangout, and while we were together, I caught a glimpse of her ass. It looked soft and thick, and I liked it. When I like something, I chase it.
Tell me about the chase
Oba: It started at the party. We were playing games, and they asked who I liked in the group. I said I liked her.
Precious: I was shocked because she’d never shown any interest until that moment. I indulged her, and we talked that night.
Oba: But then, she tried to disappear on me. I called her the next day and tried to set up a hangout for just the two of us, but she wasn’t having it.
Why Precious?
Precious: It was odd. We’d been in the group for about a month, and we’d never spoken to each other directly. Plus, she was involved with someone else in the group, and so was I. Yet, there she was saying she had feelings for me.
Wait, what of your partners at the time?
Oba: They weren’t in the room.
Precious: Me, I thought it was too fast, and I wasn’t really interested at that time.
What changed?
Precious: She kept applying pressure. She called and texted me often. She’d send me pictures of herself from work. I appreciated that she’d still try to talk to me late in the night on her way back from work. By the time she got home around 11 p.m., we’d still be talking.
We discussed everything on those phone calls. She knew things I’d normally tell my closest friend. That’s how we became inseparable, and the next thing I knew, we were dating.
Hol’ up. How did dating enter the picture?
Oba: No one asked anyone out. Our relationship just started.
Precious: Yup. After talking for a few months, I told her I loved her, but this babe didn’t say it back. I felt embarrassed, and I started withdrawing from her.
Oba: I really liked her, but it wasn’t love at the time. When she said she loved me, I didn’t want things to get complicated. We were enjoying each other’s company and “I love you” felt like I had to make a decision.,
But when she started to push me away, I realised how much I wanted her. She wasn’t calling me as often or replying my texts as fast as she used to. We talked about it, and I decided to let go of the thing I had with the other person.
Precious: I wish I could say it was that easy to just start our own relationship but things became complicated after that.I lost my job and was breaking up with someone I’d been with for years. That same month, I lost my dad. I was going through a lot and needed to be alone, but I still wanted Oba.
Oba: I, on the other hand, wasn’t ready. I was still in a relationship with my ex.
But you liked Precious?
Oba: Yes. My relationship with my ex wasn’t smooth. She’d hurt me, but I was choosing to stay until I met Precious and fell in love with her. When I decided I would break up with my ex, I went to see Precious. But while I was with her, I realised I couldn’t just let go of my ex. I still wanted her in my life. At the same time, I wanted Precious too. It felt like my heart was being torn apart. I told Precious this.
How did you take it, Precious?
Precious: I had a lot on my plate with the loss of my job and my dad. But I knew I was in love with Oba and I enjoyed her as a friend. When I needed to start my business, she helped me design a logo, and she’s so smart — she’s always suggesting things I could do — but at the time, I knew I couldn’t keep her. I wanted her to be happy, so I encouraged her to go to her ex, and she did.
Oba: I’d never met anyone that selfless. I loved that she was willing to let me go. I took the next bus to Abuja to see my ex. On the way there, I saw that Precious had blocked me. Omo, it was hell. My ex became suspicious, and I kept denying I was cheating on her. Eventually, she called off the relationship because she could tell I was distracted. I took some time before reaching out to Precious again.
What was reaching out like?
Precious: First of all, we talked about everything. I didn’t want a relationship with residual issues, so we made a promise to not cheat in the relationship we were starting with each other, knowing our history. We also needed boundaries with our exes. I knew that she’d do anything for her but I was now fully in the picture and I didn’t want the kind of drama that came with exes. After we settled that, we started dating for real. This was in June 2018.
June until now, how’s your relationship grown in that time?
Oba: We both had some growing up to do. In my old relationship, I could get away with anything, but Precious didn’t let certain things fly. As I am doing something, she’s calling me out for it. I loved her because she made me better, but I hated that I couldn’t get away with anything.
Anything like?
Oba: I’m not proud of it but I had anger issues. I get on a rant cussing everybody out when I’m angry. Precious would allow me to shout and then when I was finished, she’d tell me what I did was wrong. I loved how patient she was with me. Honestly, I don’t know how she stayed through the first two years of our relationship.
Precious: We did a lot of work to get to where we are now. We decided what we wanted for our relationship, and every day, we work towards it.
Oba: In December 2020, I asked her to be my wife. We’d gone out to get jewellery some weeks before, but she didn’t know I was buying her a ring to propose with.
I know she’s a private person, so one weekend, I booked us a hotel room, and I proposed to her there.
Precious: I wasn’t expecting it, but I also knew that marriage was the next step for our relationship. That period was interesting for me because we were going to bury her dad that weekend.
Wow
Oba: Yup, but I just couldn’t wait. We were also going to my family house for the first time, and they don’t know about our relationship or my sexuality. It was indeed interesting, but getting engaged just felt right.
Funny enough, I never wanted to get married. Before I met Precious, I always said I didn’t wanna get married. The plan was to adopt a kid and call it a day, but after two years in a relationship with Precious, I knew I wanted to marry her and have kids with her. Our relationship is everything I’ve ever wanted. The thing I love most about us is the respect we have for each other. This helped us when I got a job in Dubai five months later and had to relocate.
Precious: And then, we didn’t see each other for a year…
How did respect help with distance?
Oba: It kept me in check. I didn’t want to disrespect her so I didn’t do things I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I didn’t look at other women or even think of them. It was very hard, I won’t lie. There were days we’d cry on the phone. I was alone in Dubai. I wanted to wake up next to her and the video calls just weren’t cutting it anymore.
Precious: It got too much for me at some point. To the extent that this January 2022, I considered breaking up with her. I told her about it. We had survived the first part of the relationship only to now end up apart? I couldn’t deal anymore.
Oba: That’s when I started making plans for her to come and join me here. Then, she got a job in March 2022 and joined me a few weeks ago.
Great! Tell me about your biggest fight
Precious: Sometime in 2020, she had a beach hang out with her friends. While she was there, I got a message from an anonymous Instagram account saying they could have Oba if they wanted. As if that was not enough, Oba came back home high as fuck, calling her ex’s name in her sleep. I was so mad and convinced I was leaving this relationship.
Oba: When I woke up, she confronted me and I was honest. I wanted to have my ex in my life but not at the detriment of my relationship with Precious. We had a conversation about it in which I apologised.
Precious: It was a long talk. I didn’t want us to go through the back and forth we had at the beginning of our relationship. She promised me she was here to stay and didn’t want to get back with her ex. Since then, we’ve been good.
Sweet! What attracts you both to each other?
Oba: She’s a very attractive woman. Her body is so soft, and it’s one of the first things that attracted me to her. She’s also an amazing cook.
Precious: I’m attracted to how smart she is. Also, her confidence is insane. When she was chasing me, I thought it was hot that she wanted to be with me. Loved it.
Rate this relationship on a scale of one to ten
Precious: 9 because of how far we’ve come as a couple. This is life, and you really don’t have control over the things that happen.
Oba: 8 for us, 1 for me, and 1 for God. I’m proud of how much I’ve grown, and everybody around me can see it, not just her. I know we still have work to do though.
