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  • Nigerians in an apocalypse sounds worse than whatever fuckery we are living in right now. We don’t know how to be quiet or stealthy, except Nigerian fathers when they are coming to slap your head. So, how we go run am?

    1. All our foods can be smelt a mile away

    Sometimes it’s not even the smell; it’s the frying palm oil loudly, the pounding of yam, the pepper boiling. If there’s a monster  nearby, we will get caught.

    2. We don’t know how to be quiet

    Nigerians can shout for no reason. When they are happy, sad or tired, they are always shouting. If you ask them to stop, they’ll say you are being disrespectful.

    3. The government will steal everything before people can loot

    In American movies, you’ll see people looting abandoned shops. I just want Nigerians to know that there will be nothing to loot. Just look at how the government hoarded indomein during the lockdown for instance.

    4. People will stay in religious houses instead of safe zones

    Nigerian mothers would rather die in church than go to a safe zone and I get it tbh. Why are you trying to survive an apocalypse in the first place?

    5. We won’t be able to generate power

    If there’s one thing, we cannot boast of; it’s good electricity. Do you think they don’t bring light now? Just wait for the apocalypse first.

    6. Lack of a scientific team

    Please point me in the direction of any renowned or even upcoming scientist in Nigeria. Not the one that has travelled abroad, and we are desperately claiming. And their invention better not be another water-powered generator.

    7. Nigerians like to hoard

    From nylon bags to plastic plates, it’s a big problem. How exactly will Nigerians survive an apocalypse like this?

    8. No Nigerian is ready for climate change

    Small rain and people start complaining and shouting weather for two up and down. Nigerians also like to boast that even if they are suffering, they at least don’t experience natural disasters. E go shock everybody.

    9. Apocalypse or not, there will be traffic

    Even in an apocalypse, You’ll still find Nigerians, especially Lagosians, in traffic. Please, I’m stressed.

    10. We won’t even notice

    Things are already terrible as it is, it’ll probably take months for people to notice that animals have mutated and everything has gone to shit. This is nobody’s fault sha, no one expects hell to get hotter.

  • Friendship groups can be stressful to maintain the older you grow, but friends make the world easier to handle because tbh, life just isn’t it. And having people in your corner makes up for it. Here are 10 people you need in your friendship group.

    1.The homebody

    Every friend group has this person in it. They are either tired, not in the mood, sleepy or broke. If you don’t invite them, wahala, and if you do, they’ll say no. Sounds like a goat to me.

    2. The one that calls you for classes and job opportunities

    This friend is basically in your life to make sure that you excel at life. If you don’t have one, then I’m sorry for you. In school, they probably spent most of their time reminding you about upcoming classes, assignments and projects. After school, they send job applications or seminar invites to you.

    3. Your ride or die

    Everyone knows that in a friend group, there’s always that pair that are a lot closer. This person knows how to sign a document on your behalf due to years of practice. This is a friend that hasn’t seen you in two days, but if your partner calls them to ask for you, they’ll lie that you’re with them.

    4. The birthday friend

    This particular friend doesn’t talk much or hang out with you often, but they can never forget your birthday. They call, text, write long epistles or send presents every year. Hold this one close.

    5. The scarily quiet friend

    These are so quiet, if your friend group is really large and loud, y’all probably always wonder why they’re still your friend. You can’t tell when they have entered or exited a room. It makes you wonder what goes on in their head.

    6.The money bag friend

    This person doesn’t even have to be rich, rich. They just have to be kind. If they buy anything, they always buy for the rest of the group, and they come through for everyone. It must be tiring to be so nice all the time.

    7. The one that knows everyone

    Walking around with this person is a nightmare. They must say hi to every Tom, Dick and Harry. They know everyone and their daddies. Why they know that many people is a puzzle.

    8. The friend with a dramatic life

    Their life is straight out of a TV show. The things that happen to you in a year, happen to them in a week. Sometimes you worry about them but they always bounce back. Their life is straight out of a TV show. The things that happen to you in a year, happen to them in a week. Sometimes you worry about them, but they always bounce back.

    Pov: You trying to make sense of their life.

    9. The soft friend

    If you have a friend like this, make sure you protect them. How can someone be so innocent and soft? Please protect this friend by all means.

    10. The friend that is family

    This friend has been to your ancestral home at least once. They are more of your mum’s child than you are. They feel so much like family, and you can’t imagine life without them. Also, you and this friend are always insulting each other like siblings.

  • Salary week is probably the most depressing week as a salary earner. The anticipation, the money that has already been spent in your head, and the bills that become more obvious don’t do much to help either. Flesh and blood did not reveal the information we are about to share below.

    1. Ads become more frequent

    It’s almost like the internet knows that money is about to enter your bank account. You start getting more ads, and for once you dare to consider getting those things you’ve been putting off, all the best sha.

    2. Things start finishing

    For some reason, things start finishing a lot during salary week. All of a sudden; your Wi-Fi finishes, foodstuff follows closely behind, DSTV, and finally, if you are unfortunate, your gas will follow suit.

    3. Things start spoiling

    It’s always during salary week that your car will know that it’s tired of Nigerian roads. That laptop that you have been managing will suddenly give up the ghost too, salary week has bad vibes for real.

    Kuku kill me

    4. The money hasn’t arrived but it has finished 

    You don’t even need to earn a salary for this to happen to you. Money just doesn’t like to stay in one place, If it’s not being spent, it’s not happy.

    Especially banks for collecting that 50 naira.

    5. Family members rise from their hiding place

    All of a sudden your mum needs a new washing machine, or your uncle wants to start a new business and your younger sibling will call to cry about how broke they are. Wahala for who get family sha.

    You to your family members when they call.

    6. The sudden quietness 

    You’d never be able to put your finger on it but for that entire week before your salary comes in, there’s a quietness around, and it won’t be the peaceful type. Just deep sighing and casual anxiety. Again with the bad vibes.

    7. The heart attack when you are expecting the alert 

    Especially if it’s a little later than normal. It’s so unnecessary because why is your brain telling you that you won’t get something you worked hard for? Everybody should get out abeg.

    8. The depression after you spend the money 

    Post salary depression is a thing, so if you know anyone earning a salary, do the right thing and dash them small money this month. 

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

  • In case you have been thinking of quitting your 9-5 job lately, I’ll suggest that you learn to become an Instagram skit comedian. Here’s a guide on how to go about that.

    1. Have a trademark costume

    It can be a wrapper, scarf, or wig, especially if you are a guy. Women are funny, so it makes sense to cosplay as them. Make sure you wear it in every video you make if you want to because consistency is key.

    Become an Instagram skit comedian
    This guy gets it.

    2. Do giveaways when you reach a milestone

    It can be anything from a recharge card to 10k. Just be ready to open your purse often. It’s not easy for people to watch your skits and press the like button, so grease their palms from time to time.

    Don’t wait for them to ask.

    3. Always promote upcoming musicians

    Help upcoming artists promote their music and earn small cash in the process. Look at it as a side hustle to your side hustle of being a comedian.

    Become an Instagram skit comedian
    You could be promoting the next Wizkid.

    4. Use funny sound effects

    You cannot become a true Instagram skit comedian without these. How else will people know when to laugh without nudging them in the right direction without “funny” cliché sound effects? Download and use as many of them as possible.

    Become an Instagram skit comedian
    Do it so they can laugh like this.

    5. Collaborate with other skit makers

    After you have established yourself and built a good audience, make sure you collaborate with other skit comedians. Doesn’t matter if your content is wildly different from your collaborator. You’ll both find a way to make it work.

    Become an Instagram skit comedian

    6. Be best friends with a popular influencer

    How do you expect yourself to become a popular Instagram skit comedian without friends in high places? Who will reshare your videos to their large audiences and possibly help you gain more followers if you don’t know how to famz? You better learn.

    7. Create good ad content

    At a point, all your videos will be adverts, because times are tough and Instagram’s algorithm is tougher. Even if the centre of your content is ads, make sure that your storytelling keeps people interested till the end.

    Become an Instagram skit comedian

    8. After a while, create multiple personalities

    Even God is the father, son and the Holy Spirit. If he can do it, so can you. Split your character into multiple personalities because people love that kind of freaky content. Be the mother, father, daughter, and son in all your skits. Hell, even play the extras too. Eddie Murphy has nothing on you.

    It won’t be easy, but you can do this!

    9. Be original

    No one wants to see something that has already been done before. Create something unique to you, something permanent that you’ll enjoy doing for a long time.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

  • A rich Nigerian auntie doesn’t refer to those aunties from your father’s side that do nothing but comment on your weight and ask you when you’d be getting married.

    The rich Nigerian auntie is an aesthetic bigger than one person — and here’s how to be sure you are one…

    1. You have the dress

    Every other month, there is a dress that they all collectively wear. If you have at least two of them, congratulations, you are a true rich Nigerian auntie.

    2.  You also have the shoe

    Can there be a dress without a shoe? I think not. It can be that square-shaped one that men swear is ugly, but what do they know about fashion?

    3. You have sleek wigs

    None of those synthetic wigs. It must be a full-body weave and expensive as hell. Bonus points if you just style your natural hair now and again.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Be a femtrepreneur 

    Own a startup or just be a boss at whatever you do, girl boss power. Drop tips when you are in a good mood and be a panellist on at least one women in tech event. 

    5. Be an intersectional feminist 

    For you to be qualified as a rich Nigerian auntie, you must be an intersectional feminist. You can’t stand for women and ignore queer people, disabled people or trans women.

    6. Have clear skin

    When you are unproblematic, you’ll automatically have clear skin. Try minding your business for a month, and watch your skin flourish. This is backed by science.

    7. Host brunch

    Every once in a while, gather your fellow rich Nigerian aunties and host brunch. Don’t forget to serve us looks on every social media platform.

    8. Have a child or less

    Rich Nigerian aunties don’t like stress, they have vacations to plan and designers to wear, where is the time to be having more than 1 child? Just adopt as many cats and dogs as possible, they are less stressful anyway.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

  • Thick thighs save lives started as a body-positive slogan, and while it has made people a lot more confident about their bodies, it’s not all rainbows. We’ve highlighted a few thick thigh struggles in this article.

    1. Your jeans always get ripped

    You’ve long realized that you can never have a favourite pair of jeans because it’ll eventually tear, and you’d have to turn it to a short. The worst part is that they rip in very specific places like your inner thighs or under your butt.

    Affliction will not last a lifetime or how does that go

    2. You can’t find pants that fit

    No one can understand the pain of going shopping and coming back empty-handed because nothing fits. Either the waist was too big or the legs were too small, except its high waist pants, but who still wears those? At least, you now have a very interesting collection of belts.

    We all have that one trouser with this problem

    3. Dark and light patches 

    One big thick thigh struggle is the dark patches you have from years of your thighs rubbing together. Light patches on the other hand appear between the thigh of every pair of jeans you’ve ever owned. There’s no winning with this thing, and jeans should be abolished.

    4. Baby powder is your best friend

    The amount of times baby powder has come through for you is something you’d never be able to explain. It keeps the chaffing at bay, so you can wear whatever cute skirt or dress you want, that is, until you start sweating, and it disappears.

    God airpus

    5. You can’t find the perfect shorts

    If you find shorts that fit perfectly, you must guard them with all your might. If you order shorts, you always prepare yourself for how much shorter it’ll look when you wear them, and you spend way too much time pulling them down and looking uncomfortable to enjoy it.

    You’re not alone

    6. Dresses are a bother

    This is a very important thick thigh struggle. You always have to wear your dresses from your head because they won’t fit any other way and finding the perfect shirt dress is a nightmare.

    Where does it end?

    7. Ripped jeans are a no

    Your thighs are constantly threatening to spill out of the ripped bits and whenever you take your ripped jeans off, you’re left with very annoying lines on your thighs There are a lot of thick thigh struggles and this one almost wins.

    8. You think twice before wearing skirts

    On several occasions, you’ve found yourself checking the weather to know if it’ll be hot so that you don’t wear a skirt in the heat and burst into tears when your thighs get sore from rubbing against each other.

    Pov: you breaking down after wearing a skirt in the heat

    9. You can’t cross your legs

    It can be frustrating to cross your legs, especially when the table is too low or the chair is too high, anyone that has a hack for this should open a group chat and share abeg.

    There’s love in sharing oh

    10. Your thighs are double the size when you sit

    Your thighs somehow manage to look bigger when you sit down. If you’ve ever tried to take a thirst trap while seated In front of a mirror, you know what I mean.

    Signed, the association of thick thighs.

  • There are a lot of Nigerian memes about sex for people that like to pretend that they don’t know what that word means. Even though they were the most outraged about the banning of porn accounts that year on Twitter. We have decided to share the little we have on Zikoko Memes in this article.

    1 The “Yoruba movies lie too much” meme

    You can post this on your status after that person you’ve been texting airs you for like two days, Nothing drives conversation like memes, especially if it’s a Nigerian meme about sex.

    2. The “I won’t give you STD” meme

    This is beyond bragging, you are basically telling your sexual partner that you care about their health, it doesn’t get sexier than this, to be honest

    You might break up, but at least the chances of having a child together are lower.
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. The “Roleplay” meme

    Never mind that this was taken from a film where this happened, if you post this people that like these type of things will understand that you are ready to dress up as anything for sex. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    It’s the arc for me.

    4. The “Over raw best in scisccoring” meme

    A lot of Nigerian meme about sex exist as you know, if you decide to post this then you must be really confident and we hail you. No one will see this on your status or fleets and ignore your texts.

    5. The “High jump” meme

    I think this one is self-explanatory, actually, I’d also like to know how this works so when you are beating about this please explain In details. T for Thanks.

    For more Nigerian memes about sex click here.

    [donation]

  • The older Nigerians get, the more annoying they become. They think that because they are old, they can say and do anything without repercussions. Unfortunately for them, this generation is not having any of their nonsense. We’ve highlighted some of the most annoying things they say below.

    1. If you leave, who will build the country? 

    When you were younger, why didn’t you build the country, oh wise one? Why did you leave it to us? Dear older Nigerians, we are tired abeg, Bob the builder no do reach this one. 

    Did we spoil the country first?

    2. The youths are lazy 

    When they say this, they mean to say that the government is consistent in frustrating the efforts of the youth. Surely, they can’t be looking at all the things the youths do to earn a living and still call them lazy.

    With all due respect, please shut up.
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3 . Nigeria was good in my days 

    Yes, we are aware. Titus’ sardine is five hundred naira and one sachet of water is now twenty naira. We know how bad things are, no one made you the minister of reminders. 

    What are we supposed to do with that information bayi?

    4. All you do is press your phone 

    Just because they use their phones to play Candy Crush and send scary WhatsApp broadcast messages, they really can’t see how we could use our phone’s to do something good for our lives. Mention that you have a headache, and they’ll blame your phone pressing habits.  

    pov: a millennial pressing her phone.

    5. Dress the way you want to be addressed 

    What does this even mean? Just because we’ve chosen not to wear suits to work anymore? Do they not know how hot this country is? Like I’m sorry you wasted your youth dressing like an old person, but if you can’t handle a bad bitch, don’t give birth to one. 

    6. Using your left hand is rude

    I thought God created all things equally, but older Nigerians in their usual annoying way have proven that it is an insult to use your hand even if you’re a southpaw. Wahala oh.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    7. I have children your age at home

    So do our parents, you’re not special. By the way, never in the history of demanding respect has saying this in an argument ever helped.

    8. You’d understand when you’re older 

    Some people have been “older” for many years now, and they still don’t understand a lot of things, everybody should just get out.

    9. I carried you as a baby 

    Okay, thank you for your service to humanity, do you want an award or something? Notice how it’s always that one person you don’t even know?

    10. You’re so big now 

    So here’s the thing about human beings, dear egbon, they grow. It happened to you and our parents, and now it has happened to us. Thanks for pointing it out though.

  • Emphasis has always been placed on these words for as long as Nigeria has existed, and it is blasphemous to do otherwise. Many Nigerians are guilty of this, especially nosey neighbours or that one annoying seat partner in primary school.

    1. Borrow Borrow

    This is the only way to address someone that is always borrowing people’s things, maybe Nigerians think that if they say it twice, it’ll stop the person from borrowing.

    2. Cry cry

    You will be deep in your feelings as a child, crying (sometimes unreasonably) and one yeye person will come and say, “Cry cry baby, you can cry oh.” Aunty Ngozi, no, are you mad?

    3. Fear fear

    Nigerians are very good at shaming people for being afraid of anything that scares them. To be honest, the fear of being called this has probably made people do a lot of stupid things.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Looku Looku

    This one usually follows with a slap or an insult of sorts. In fact, being called a looku looku is an insult.

    5. Scatter scatter

    This one is specially reserved by Nigerian mothers for their kids. She’ll  enter your perfectly disorganised room where you can at least find all your things, unlike the glasses she is always looking for that is always on top of her head. Somehow, you’re the scattered one.

    6. Follow follow

    If someone calls you follow follow, it’s probably because you got into trouble after following someone to do something bad.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    7. Bear bear

    This one just doesn’t make sense because how do you get “bear bear” from “beards”? But if people don’t say “bear bear” for emphasis when referring to someone growing a beard,  that means the beard is nothing to write home about.

    8. Corner corner

    This basically means that someone has done you dirty, played you wayo, or taken you fi eediat.

    9. Lie lie

    This one is complicated because it can mean so many things. If a market woman says “lie lie” in a high pitch, it means she is about to cheat you. If a child says it in a lower pitch, you are being called a liar and if two people are gossiping and one person says it, then they are simply expressing disbelief. Think about the power of emphasis, people.

    10. Copy copy

    This is when someone steals your intellectual property, style, girlfriend, slang e.t.c. The gag is to say it twice for emphasis so they can acknowledge how unoriginal they are.

  • Pride month is gay Christmas that lasts longer than regular Christmas. This pride, here are few tips on how to be a better friend and ally to your queer friend.

    1. Send them money

    Times are tuff, sapa left and right. What better way to support your queer friend?  Empty your bank account dear, especially if you have pounds. That one is highly essential.

    2.Check on their mental health

    Don’t be this person

    They deal with so much bullshit living in this country and no one should have to go through all that, to be honest. Be a good friend, check up on them and just listen sometimes.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. Buy them pride merch

    Pins, totes, shoes, clothes, straps, yes dear all the works. Buy it.

    4. Affirm their pronouns and correct people who dead name them

    Not just during pride month, of course. Do better by your trans/ non-binary friends, please. Correct people who deadname them even if they are not present. It’s really not as hard as you think.

    5. Buy them a ticket to another country

    This is very important. You might have to sell your father’s car, your mother’s favourite gold chain or even empty your piggyvest, but it’ll be worth it when you see them flourish in a country that isn’t trying to kill them.

    6. Lend your voice in asking the government to repeal the SSMPA

    The SSMPA has hurt so many queer people and set us back, but not for long. Lend your voice, protest with them, sign petitions, trend their hashtags. #RepealSSMPA.

    7.  Share your Netflix password so they can watch their favourite queer shows

    Give them your password so they can watch their fave queer shows this month and experience queer joy.

    8. Don’t speak over them when it comes to queer issues

    Not just during pride month, of course. Remember to do this always. When it comes to queer issues, your voice shouldn’t be louder than theirs since you don’t experience it first hand. Learn to take a step back and listen sometimes. E get why. Please it’s pride month, let’s not fight.

    9.  Send more money

    Open your pocket, your purse and your bank account! I can’t stress this enough.

    Na gay dey reign!