Malakai Bassey, Author at Zikoko!

Nigerian women are elite babes because their wickedness knows no bounds. If any one of them breaks your heart, you should actually be grateful because it is a privilege. If you’re a Nigerian woman looking to tap into your full potential as a wicked entity, here’s a guide on how to do that.

This guy gets it.

1.Be an Igbo woman

If you’re an Igbo woman reading, you already have inbuilt wickedness so there’s nothing we can teach you about wickedness tbh. If anything, you should organise a masterclass to teach others.

2. Be a Scorpio

Your wickedness was written in the stars. There’s nothing here for you to learn.

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3. Date someone named Femi

By the time he uses your heart to play basketball, your heart will turn to stone and you can come into your wickedness properly. In fact, just date Yoruba men in general if you are looking for painful character development.

4. Be unable to cook

There is nothing that makes Nigerian men froth at the mouth like a Nigerian woman’s inability to cook. Outsource all your cooking and watch Nigerian men die a little inside.

5. Be a feminist

This one is very important. To truly be wicked, you must become a feminist. If someone insults you by calling you a feminazi, my sister you’re doing something right.

6. Be anti-kids

Are you truly a wicked Nigerian woman if you want kids? As a Nigerian woman, you must be anti-stress and kids will stress you. Do you know the gratification that comes with telling a man that has decided on his own that you’ll bear all his ten sons that you don’t want kids? Top tier feeling.

7. Be a slow texter

If anyone has the audacity to text you, surely they can wait for you to reply at your own pace. You did not come to this life to suffer, abeg.

8. Stress him

I promise you, he can take it. If he can’t, someone else will. Don’t lose guard. You are a spec, a moment, an event, and a happening babe. Move anyhow. Nobody will admit it but wickedness is sweet.
Dating your coworker can be tricky because if it ends in tears, you might end up jobless. Here’s a guide to making sure that doesn’t happen to you.

1.Check if they wear a ring often

It is one thing to date a coworker and another thing to date someone else’s partner. If their relationship is not open, don’t go and help them open it oh. One day they will come to fight you in the office, one of you might get to keep your job and it probably won’t be you.

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2. Don’t come in at the same time

After you’ve spent “the best weekend” of your life, don’t spoil it by coming to work together. It will show on your face, it’s not something you can hide.

3. Check the office policy

If the office policy allows you to date a coworker, do it by all means. If it doesn’t, I don’t have to tell you that there are no jobs in this country. Better hold on to the one you’ve managed to find. Love can wait.

4. Don’t share clothes

No one wants to be oppressed at work and on social media too. If you are going to spend the night, carry your clothes. Don’t wear the t-shirt or shirt your partner wore to work the day before.

5. Don’t try to choose

The best thing about possibly dating a coworker is that they know just how stressful your job can get. Don’t try to choose between work and them. You’ll lose in the end.

6. Set basic rules

Like not spending too much time at work togetherr, or discussing anything about work when you get home. It makes dating a coworker easier plus rules are good.

7. Never post pictures in the same location

If your coworkers follow you on social media, don’t post pictures of each other in the same location so they don’t suspect that you are dating.

8. Don’t use the same background for zoom meetings.

When you hang out to get freaky freaky and you have a meeting, move as far away from each other as possible. If not your other co-workers will put two and two together.

9. Don’t expect to stay a secret

If that one coworker can find your secret burner account, don’t you think people won’t even figure out that you are dating a coworker? Better to tell people than for them to find out on their own.
When it comes to making a man cry in bed, there are many things you can do to make that happen. If you are looking to make things so hot during sex that your man sheds tears of ecstasy, here’s a detailed guide on how to make a man cry in bed.

Call out his name often

Weirdly enough, one of the many things men like to hear during sex is their name. Call out his name seductively when you like something sexual that he’s doing to you. Please remember the exact name of the person you are sleeping with oh. Before you call out someone else’s name.

Talk to him

There is nothing as sexy as hearing each other moan,sigh, and demand what you want/how you want it. It guarantees equal pleasure for you both. Also, whispering naughty words in his ears can be a huge turn on. Do with this information what you must.

Play with his ears

Bite it playfully or just gently tug at it. You can also just moan or sigh in his ears. The ears can be an erogenous zone so if you want the sex to be memorable for him, you should definitely do this.

Give his neck attention

Start with slow kisses to let him know that you want him. Start from the base of his ears and work your way down. you can bite his neck softly as you inch down. Alternate between kisses and biting so he doesn’t know what’s coming next.

Look for his sensitive spots

If you want to know how to make a man cry in bed, you must be intentional about pleasing him sexually.

Men have so many erogenous zones that don’t get love mostly because the men are too shy to ask their partners for that. Nipples are one of those spots. Pay attention to it. Just do what he’d do to you.

Kiss his thighs

Plant light kisses from above his knees and work your way up increasing the pressure of your lips as you go. Remember that men like foreplay too.

Give him a massage

Straddle him and give him a massage, replacing your hands with your mouth and tongue. This should make for an interesting experience for him.

Try new temperatures

Introduce new things in the bedroom, like ice, candles made for the skin, food like whipped cream, etc.

Relax

It won’t always go smoothly. Sex between two people who aren’t acting to make money can not be perfect. Relax, laugh, and make jokes. Just enjoy yourselves.

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If you liked this article, you would love “How to Make a Woman Cry in Bed“
The University authorities released a statement addressing the rise of Covid-19 cases in UNILAG on Tuesday after this tweet was made.

Huh ??? Covid outbreak in Unilag ??? https://t.co/LbH5Xv3nM7

– Jahmal (@JahmalUsen) July 12. 2021

The statement reads,

Read more here.

School activities were going on as normal, even after several Covid-19 positive students were found in hostels like Kofo, Moremi and Honours Hall. Students have reacted in various ways to this news. Here a few reactions:

There’s covid in Unilag

Moremi

Kofo

Honors

Stay safe guys

— Komedi Queen (@_tohluh_) July 12. 2021

The students who tested positive were asked to move out of the hostels to curb the spread of the virus.

The roommate of my classmate tested positive for covid-19 and Unilag sent them home. That’s all, go home and come back after two weeks.

— Nonso this Nonso that. (@Chukwunonsoffor) July 13. 2021

But some Unilag students had different thoughts on the matter.

Lets finish this semester before they send us home abeg. Last semester was bad enough.

We are all aware we’re in a pandemic. Get the vaccine, protect yourselves properly and let’s get this semester done with abeg.

— Omojo? (@allwell_) July 13. 2021

Is like Covid19 just came back again afresh 😭😭😭 and Unilag is just having its fair share of it.

It actually didn’t leave Nigeria 💀.

I don’t want to go home or have to deal with e-learning and at the same time, I don’t want to get infected 😭.

— Girlie O! (@saabi_girl) July 13. 2021

There was also speculation on the silence due to the indemnity form students signed upon admission into the university.

Others have decided to take a lighter tone on the subject:

if you like wear 20 nose masks, so far you are staying in unilag 🗿you don already catch am

— maryam (@maryamamasa) July 13. 2021

unilag students “we outside we outside” now there’s covid everywhere

–chupaco (@hardtolu) July 13. 2021

The vice-chancellor of the University of Lagos, Professor Oluwatoyin. T. Ogundipe had an emergency meeting yesterday at 2 pm to discuss the vacation of halls of residence by students after a Covid outbreak in the university.

The outcome of the meeting was an immediate closure of hostels to curb the spread of covid-19 on campus. These messages were sent out to the student body;

“To check the spread of Covid-19 on campus, the University Senate has directed that all students vacate the halls of residence latest by 12.00 noon on Thursday 15 July 2021. No access will be granted to any student after 12.00 noon on 15 July. The hostels will be locked indefinitely therefore students are advised to move all their personal effects at once. Lectures for the rest of the semester will be delivered virtually with effect from 26th July 2021. DSA”

Students can be seen all over campus trying to get home.

Because of how impromptu the announcement was, and the tedious stress of moving, the university sent out another message earlier today that read;

“ IMPORTANT NOTICE. EXTENSION OF THE DEADLINE TO EVACUATE THE HOSTELS TO 12.00 NOON ON FRIDAY 16 JULY 2021. To ease the burden of transportation the deadline to evacuate the hostels is hereby extended to noon on Friday 16 July 2021. DSA.”

For preventive measures on how to deal with Covid-19, click here

CTA: If you’re a UNILAG student affected by this we’d like to hear from you. Reach out to us by sending a dm on social media or Malakai Bassey
The internet enables a lot of rubbish behaviour. But thankfully, it enables good behaviour too. Sometimes, people bond over where they got that amazing pasta that slapped. Other times, they crowdfund for people in need and you’re reminded that there are some good people in this awful world… Here are 10 things people bond over on the internet.

1. The passing of a celebrity

Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone in your love for a celebrity, making it hard to deal with when they pass.But sharing fond memories of that celebrity with others on the internet who feel the same way helps you grieve.

2. Shared childhood experiences

We’ve seen people bond over the fact that we all seemingly had the same childhood. Like trying to bend water in the shower, closing the fridge slowly to see the light go off, or trying to balance the light switch between on and off. It’s also been an outlet for sharing traumatic childhood experiences.

3. Football

Over the years, it’s been great watching football with friends and family and celebrating wins and losses. But do you know how much bonding can happen when you bring that energy to the internet? A lot. That’s how much.

4. Movies/TV Shows

You will be watching a TV show at your own pace and people on “film Twitter” that have watched the entire season of 20 episodes in one night will come with their hot takes and spoilers. It sucks for us slow watchers but at least they have that small community.

5. Protesting against bad governance

If there’s one thing that is universal around the world, it’s bad governance. The internet gives people the chance to protest against it and ask people to lend their voices, if need be.

6. Food

Personally, I think we should stop discussing food on the internet because you people eat a lot of rubbish. However,the internet lets people bond over shared tastes in nonsense food so yay!

7. Disability Visibility

Since the pandemic forced people to sit with themselves last year, more people have discovered that they are on the disability spectrum. The internet makes it easier to talk to people who validate your existence and experiences.

8. LGBTQ+ safe spaces

With LGBTQ+ people’s existence criminalized in many parts of the world, many members of the community have found safe spaces on the internet to freely express themselves and connect with others like them and allies who support and validate their existence. It’s a truly beautiful thing to observe.

9. Relationship Trauma

Just when you think that you’re the only one that got cheated on the night before your wedding and then got left at the altar, you’ll see someone with a story worse than yours. It feels good knowing you’re not alone.

10. Bullying parents

This is my favourite thing about the internet. Parents come to complain about something their kids did and people will be like “You should apologize to that child sha” or “ Our lawyers will be getting in touch since you can’t respect our president.” All in good humour of course. We love all our internet kids.

[donation]
In life, depending on your living situation, you will encounter several types of roommates. At every point in your life, you’ll most likely have to deal with roommates. As a child with your siblings, in the hostel in secondary school and university, when you move out of your parents’ house (and you get a roommate because you’re trying to save money), and the rest of your life, if you choose to get married. Living with people isn’t fun so you must come across at least one of these roommates from hell.

1.The roommate who thinks you should share everything

There is nothing as annoying as living with this kind of person, especially the one that begs for food. Not because they don’t have but because everything you eat looks a hundred times sweeter when you eat it. You will then find yourself hiding to eat and for what?

How they beg you.

2. The compulsive cleaner

Imagine leaving your parents’ house – where you were being judged for being an occasional slob – to live with someone who IS NOT your parent but judges you for being untidy in your own space. Beat them up. You have my permission.

3. The ghost

This type of roommate isn’t exactly bad because you will have the place to yourself most times. However, if you are a worrier, you’ll just find yourself worrying if they are alive or not. Also, if something ever happens to you, you can’t rely on them to show up.

4. The loud roommate

This type of roommate delights in disturbing your peace. They play music by 3 a.m. and somehow wash plates so loud the whole street can hear them. If you like things quiet,living with this type of person is exhausting.

Them for no reason

5. The stingy roommate

If you are a broke person, this is the worst person to live with. They measure everything from their milk to their sugar. No such thing as splitting costs because they do not like to share. They probably have post-it notes with their name on every item in the fridge that belongs to them. On the rare occasion theat they share, you’ll wonder if the world is ending.

6. The roommate that always has people over

They have no respect for your shared space so their friends won’t either. Imagine coming home after a long day to meet people you don’t know in your home. The ghetto for real.

7. The spiritual roommate

If you don’t have the same views with this type of roommate, you are in for a long drive to hell. You will be constantly preached to, or worse judged for everything you do. If that’s not hell, I don’t know what is.

8. Children

Of all the roommates in the world, these are by far the worst.. First of all, society has gone past the need for more human beings so please stop making them. All they do is spend your money, eat your food, and cry. Why would you want that?
Friendships are harder to form as adults but easier to maintain, especially if you befriend people who understand that you’re both busy and have lives outside of each other but can make time when necessary. Here are seven ways to make friends as adults.

1. Stand on the road and beg people

You can have a megaphone with you so people know you are serious. Maybe two or three people would come up to you. You never really know. Sure, it’ll be to check if you’re mad or not but at least they’ll talk to you. And that’s the beginning of every friendship!

2. Create a Google form

Post it on any of your social media accounts with the most followers. Title it, “The Friendship Document.” Reply to as many people that fill it out. The number one question should be “How do you feel about plantain?” You can tell a lot about a person from that.

3. Meet your friend’s friends

Your friends have friends that have friends. Ask to meet them. Could this end in tears? Yes. But life is pain anyway so don’t be afraid of a little disappointment and rejection.

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4. Shoot your friendship shots

It’s so much harder to make friends as adults because everyone is horny as hell and low-key wants to sleep with each other. But if you can keep shooting your shot at that romantic love interest that airs you every day, I promise you can shoot your friendship shot.

5. Join clubs

Book clubs, gardening clubs, wine drinking clubs, hiking clubs. Try to find your tribe. It just makes the work easier.

6. Organise a 90’s themed party

Every day, there’s that one person who tweets about organising a party with bouncing castles, jollof rice, and everything that used to make kids’ parties fun. The number of likes and retweets on these tweets have shown that this is a good plan if you want to make new friends.

7. Upgrade some of your casual relationships

That person you always see at the gym, your coworker that is basically your work bestie, and so on. Message them and ask to hang out in an environment different from where you usually meet. You might be surprised at how much you like them. I say “might” because you might end up hating their fucking guts. The excitement of not knowing what the outcome of a hangout will be is half the fun sha so go for it.
Moving out sounds easier than it looks. Anyone that has successfully done it will tell you how emotionally exhausting it is. This is why we have decided to share six tips on how to successfully move out of your parents’ house.

1. A great resolve

You will cry PLENTY. Furnishing a house is expensive as hell. After buying your first curtain, you will cry. Whenever money leaves your account for any household appliance, hot tears will pour down your face. The only way around this is to steal as many appliances from your parents’ house as you’re leaving.

Don’t let this be you

2. A planner

If you are managing your small money, you’ll need a planner to avoid deviating from your list and budget. You’d be surprised at the useless things you’ll end up buying without proper planning. If you don’t have a planner, you’ll end up using an old book as a dust packer for one week.

3. Good friends

Now is the time to invite your friends over. Don’t be embarrassed. Tell them that you are having a housewarming party and make a wish list so they’ll buy you things that you actually need. Wahala for who no get caring friends sha.

Don’t let them go until they bless you

4. A sugar daddy

Do you know how much a fridge costs? Check and see if your eyes won’t water. Moving out is not beans and life comes at you fast. Sugar daddy or mummy is the best insurance you can have for life outside of your parents’ house.

And you shouldn’t.

5. The self-control of a monk

Moving out can make you feel like you can now move mad. You think you can now eat by 3 a.m., eat junk food, and live lavish, abi? Omo, you will get tired fast. Practice self-control.

How you should sit and talk to your other selves spending your money.

6. The ability to know when to give up

When you are tired of playing grownup, go and beg your mummy to fight your landlord so you can collect the rest of your rent and move back home. No one will judge you. The problem is that once you’ve experienced living alone, there’s no going back. Prodigal son no do reach this one.

You did your best. Nobody will beat you.
Unilag always gets good press as the school of first choice. Well, these eight people think otherwise.

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Dee /400 level

Nothing fucking works and the hope kills. The thing is, I don’t have any particular grievances against the school. I just hate it. You keep thinking that something will work because it’s the bare minimum but it never does.. Especially at the medical centre. You’ll get there by 10 a.m. and think you’ll be done by 12 a.m. right? Wrong. If you get there by 10 a.m, just forget all your other plans for that day. That’s not how a system should work. That school has bad vibes, and I wish I knew before I entered. Then again, where else would I have gone?

I’m just glad I met my friends here. So that’s cool.

Priscilla/ 200 level

Unilag is expensive, and I don’t mean fees. If you are not content with the things you have, Unilag and its students will oppress you. I mean, an iPhone 12 is like an iPhone 6 on campus now and students buy cars like they’re bicycles.There is a need to keep up with the joneses here and that life is expensive. Bottle water is seventy naira outside but hundred naira in here, and the cab men never have change, which seems like a ploy to get you to leave it for them.

Olly/ 300 level

From lecturers cancelling lectures, to giving us assignments they won’t grade, the expensive food or the behaviour of non-academic staff, there are so many reasons to hate Unilag.

My faculty doesn’t have a functioning toilet. The only good toilet in the school is at CITS and we have to pay to use it. This makes no sense.

Balloting is another wahala. How can you say you don’t have enough bed spaces for all the students in your school? After making us ballot for hours and days, they’ll still stress us during registration. Why is my GPA important for me to get a bed space? Especially since the hotel’s facilities are disgusting. Why are you putting off the light by 8 a.m? Why do I have to struggle to use the kitchen? Why do I have to beg/pay to use the freezer or anything at all in this school?

Taoheed/ 400 level

One word: rice. Rice is like the only food available in school. Why that?

There is also the ridiculous accommodation price. Accommodation in the school’s environs is way too expensive and it’s mainly because of unilag.Who did we offend? After you pay that much outside, you’ll still have to deal with armed robbers. Everything is so annoying.

Tsuni/ 400 level

I hate the fact that it’s so difficult to visit your friends in the hostel. How can I be a girl and you’re stopping me from seeing my female friend…IN BROAD DAYLIGHT? It’s ridiculous. I understand not letting boys into girls’ hostels and vice versa even though that one is weird but there should be visiting hours.

Banjo/ 400 level

Thanks to Covid, I have spent almost 6 years trying to get a 4-year degree. It annoys me when I see those tweets where people say the first class in a private university is the second class in a federal university. We work our butts off studying but what’s the point when the lecturers delight in failing people? If this is what academia is, I want no part in it. Unilag is just living on whatever past glory it had, which means that they once had a system that worked. What happened to it? If you are coming to enjoy life in uni, you will enjoy unilag. But if you are coming to learn, especially as someone with a learning disability, you will hate it here.

Mide/ 200 level

My biggest problem with unilag is that everyone thinks the students have money. I don’t get it. They hike up prices inside and outside school because they think the students are rich.. Potters, food sellers, and security guards will beg you for money and I’m, like, bro I’m just as poor tbh. I don’t even have a problem with the begging. What I have a problem with is the entitlement. They’ll make your life hell if you don’t give them. They give preferential treatment to people that obviously have money, especially in the hostels. Off campus, my friends pay rent that people with a family and hope for a future should be paying. If there were enough bed spaces in the school hostels, no one would have to pay N800,000 for a small room off campus. This is not how things should be.

Oluwatamilore

I graduated in 2017 but I hated that place with all my heart. Still hate it.

One experience I’ll never forget is reading with street lights because the transformer of my hostel was damaged for almost a week and the classrooms that had power were too crowded and noisy to read in.

I spent 5 years in that place and I still break out in a cold sweat when I remember the trauma I experienced in that school. My younger brother is in his final year so I know, based on his experiences, that things haven’t gotten better.
Living in Nigeria is very interesting. People turn to animals, animals swallow money, and get away with it because no one bats an eye. Everything that happens here is unusual. So if you’re ever looking to get out of trouble by turning into an animal, here are seven animals you should not turn into.

1. A Cat

I don’t recommend this animal because people generally don’t like them. Well, except lesbians. If you turn into this animal, Nigerians will kill you because they think cats are witches. (Thanks a lot, Nollywood.) Don’t try it.

Nobody: You as a cat.

2. A Dog

This one is man’s best friend so people hardly ever kill dogs. Except for those *coughs* people. Just don’t turn into that bingo/local dog breed because you will suffer if you can’t turn back.

3. A Goat

Isi Ewu, Asun, and goat meat pepper soup all have one thing in common. Goat. If you turn into this animal, there’s no going back. You won’t even be alive for more than a day. At least you’ll die knowing that you’ll feed people and taste great.

4. A Rat

Why would you even set yourself up like this? I don’t need to tell you that you will die that same day. Don’t try it. Rats are disgusting, so if you turn into one, find their bases and poison them. Do this last thing for your real people.

Kill them all, don’t think twice.

5. A Snake

Don’t think that you will be safe because you’ve turned into something dangerous. People are still looking for the snake that swallowed money a few years ago, and with the way things are, there is definitely someone out there randomly tearing up snakes left and right in search of that money.

How you’ll end up.

6. A Cow

Will you become a first-class citizen? Yes, but that is not the point. Do you know how many things people rely on cows for? If anybody sees a stray cow do you think they will let it live? Better jazz up.

7. A Bat

No story involving bats ends well. Why would yours be an exception? These things are basically rats with wings. Do you know how scary that is? It doesn’t help that our imaginary association of flying people are known to turn into bats. To be forewarned is to escape death.

1.Be an Igbo woman

2. Be a Scorpio

3. Date someone named Femi

4. Be unable to cook

5. Be a feminist

6. Be anti-kids

7. Be a slow texter

8. Stress him

1.Check if they wear a ring often

2. Don’t come in at the same time

3. Check the office policy

4. Don’t share clothes

5. Don’t try to choose

6. Set basic rules

7. Never post pictures in the same location

8. Don’t use the same background for zoom meetings.

9. Don’t expect to stay a secret

Call out his name often

Talk to him

Play with his ears

Give his neck attention

Look for his sensitive spots

Kiss his thighs

Give him a massage

Try new temperatures

Relax

1. The passing of a celebrity

2. Shared childhood experiences

3. Football

4. Movies/TV Shows

5. Protesting against bad governance

6. Food

7. Disability Visibility

8. LGBTQ+ safe spaces

9. Relationship Trauma

10. Bullying parents

1.The roommate who thinks you should share everything

2. The compulsive cleaner

3. The ghost

4. The loud roommate

5. The stingy roommate

6. The roommate that always has people over

7. The spiritual roommate

8. Children

1. Stand on the road and beg people

2. Create a Google form

3. Meet your friend’s friends

4. Shoot your friendship shots

5. Join clubs

6. Organise a 90’s themed party

7. Upgrade some of your casual relationships

1. A great resolve

2. A planner

3. Good friends

4. A sugar daddy

5. The self-control of a monk

6. The ability to know when to give up

Dee /400 level

Priscilla/ 200 level

Olly/ 300 level

Taoheed/ 400 level

Tsuni/ 400 level

Banjo/ 400 level

Mide/ 200 level

Oluwatamilore

1. A Cat

2. A Dog

3. A Goat

4. A Rat

5. A Snake

6. A Cow

7. A Bat