Kunle Ologunro, Author at Zikoko!

Nigeria is where everything comes to die. Business franchise, profitable establishments, true love, and even onions, if we are being honest. Inflation is now at an all-time high, and consumer brands are now seeking ways to enable people afford their products. Enter sachets. Now, you can buy Baileys like paraga. This is Nigeria.

1. Baileys

At least a lot of people who could not afford the bottle will be able to buy it.

2. Dettol

This one looks like Nutri C. Let’s just hope nobody goes near it when they are high.

3. Morning Fresh

“Eco Pack” is the word. Because the way things are going in this country, economy and economics must be put into consideration.

4. Cornflakes

This was one of the earliest. The cornflakes itself stopped being N350, and everything went skrrrr after that.

5. Quaker Oats

This is proof that no matter your class of degree, Nigeria will bring you down to your knees.

6. Golden Morn

Funny but true: there’s another sachet of sachet being sold. The larger sachet goes for N80 or N100. Now, there’s another one that is being sold for N50.

This tweet summaries it well:

The way Nigeria is going, them go later sell cement inside sachet.
— MR. OYIN 🍯 (@MisterOyin) November 16, 2020
Port Harcourt has the best bole and fish in Nigeria, that’s a proven fact. They also have one of the best street code in Nigeria. The Port Harcourt slang is so different from the normal ones you might be used to. And that’s why we beg you to not say these things outside.

1. Use your kafa

Use your head, or think clearly.

2. Wipe

It means fuck. For example, “I don wipe that guy. He no too sabi.”

3. Cutout

Run. Japa. Flee.

4. Duck

To hide something. “Chiamaka, duck that phone. SARS dey come.”

5. Kpor well

Basically, “go and sit down.” Can be used during confrontations.

6. Root out

To bring out something, especially weapons

7. AP

House. Eg: We gather for my papa AP oh

8. Bell

To call someone. I dey come, make I go bell my babe.

9. White

N50. Yes, fifty naira.

Another slang for money is “Kabulas or Rubber”

10. Manchi

Used to describe a close man to a cultist or someone from your cartel

11. Bani/ Shenkes /Kpalas

Pretty babe.

12. Amana

AC (Air Conditioner). The amana wey dey my papa AP don get fault.

13. Abobi

Guy.

14. Comot your body

Make way.

15. Cut put for my body

“Give me part of something. Money, especially.”

16. Capping careless

Talking shit or talking out of point.

17. Sea rough

Things are hard.

19 Places In Port Harcourt That Will Definitely Confuse You

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There’s a lot to watch out for if you are visiting a Nigerian restaurant for the first time. You might get served eran dindin instead of steak, or cow shit in place of assorted. Literally, terrible things can occur. But the people in this article have experienced good things in Nigerian restaurants, and they were more than eager to share their stories.

Gloria.

It was at Cravings N’ More around Egbeda, Lagos. I think they opened a few months ago. Last weekend, my fiance and I wanted to have lunch and we didn’t want to go far, so we decided to give them a try. I must confess the environment was really good and the service was impeccable. I say it with my full chest that they have one of the best meals in Lagos and for a really good price. After lunch, we decided to give their chicken pie and scorched eggs a try, and surprisingly, the chicken pie actually had chunks of chicken in it, and the scorched eggs tasted so great that we immediately Googled them and dropped a great review. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find them on Instagram, we found another page with the same name but it wasn’t exactly the same place. Here is a shout-out to them for quality service.

Omotola.

My best experience has to be at Eric Kayser and Abstract Ikoyi. I went to both restaurants in a day, it was my best girl’s birthday. At Eric Kayser, the waiter was extremely nice, and there was no delay in bringing our order. One of them even offered to help take pictures of my friend.

We moved to Abstract Ikoyi which is just a 20mins or thereabout drive from Eric Kayser at VI. There is an art gallery before the main entrance, and you’re surrounded by beautiful artworks. And the waiter who attended to me at Abstract has to be one of the best I’ve met in a Lagos restaurant. She was sweet, friendly and pleasant.

Here’s one thing about this place, they make your food afresh. The best thing to do when going there is to place the order ahead so they know you are coming, especially if you’re coming with a lot of people. Our food was delayed but we had the time of our lives, we were the only ones at the restaurant and it was late in the evening. They allowed us play music, they danced and sang birthday songs for my friend and even when the food came in late, we had to pack them and leave. The Chef was kind enough to give us some specials and she also apologized for the food coming in late.

Abstract is a restaurant I’ll always go to over and over again. It is a very cozy and private restaurant, definitely suitable for my kind of person. I don’t like attention. And yes, the food was great.

IBK

I’ve had so many great experiences at restaurants. But the most memorable has to be at 355 Steakhouse and Lounge in Abuja. That was where I had the first medium rare that was actually medium rare. The service was great as well. And the price was decent: 49k for two people.

6 Hot Spots In Abuja You Are Bound To Meet Someone You’ve Slept With And Ghosted

Tobi

I went to Craft Gourmet in late August or early September, after the lockdown was eased and establishments could resume operations. I had always wanted to go, and finally, work presented an opportunity for me to. They operated on the 50% capacity the government requested, and everyone had their masks on.

Everything was neatly arranged and spaced out, the servers were masked, they took our temperature and the person who served our food wore gloves. The menu was in a menu-holder so that diners don’t have to touch it. When a person left, they wiped down the table and sanitized it. Asides their amazing ambience, the food was great. I had Italian pasta. I would definitely be returning there.

Hakeem.

My own experience was at a buka. Bukas are part of Nigerian restaurants too– very affordable and an ambience that is completely realistic. It’s like watching everyday life continue while you eat your food. The amala joint was neat and the servers had a smile on their face as they explained ebverything they had on the menu. Most bukas are usually , which was different from the other bukas I had been to. It wasn’t as crowded too, and they had the option of serving your amala and soup in one bowl or two separate bowls. They offered free water, and their soup was top notch. What was more, they had a TV. The service was really nice too.

15 Hilarious Tweets About Horrible Nigerian Restaurant Experiences

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If you haven’t plugged into the rave of MTN Y’ello Star, then you are missing out big time. Y’ello Star is poised to launch new music talents in young Nigerians and believe us, such a historic competition is not to be missed.

If you don’t know what MTN Y’ello Star is, we wrote about it here. But to summarise it for you, it is a competition-style reality show created by the telecommunications and data services provider, MTN Nigeria, to search for, discover, nurture, expose and launch music talents in young Nigerians.

What do the winners of the MTN Y’ello star competition stand to gain? A LOT. That’s the answer: A LOT.

1. For starters, they get a well-furnished house.

A star needs to live in a befitting home and this will certainly be taken care of.

2. The house will contain an in-built studio.

A studio to create timeless music pieces.

3. They also get a recording contract.

This is very important to their career. A recording step will go a long way in pushing them forward and cutting the best deals for them.

4. And finally, imagine all the major publicity that comes with winning such a huge prize.

Stardom and acclaim that opens international doors.

5. The five finalists will attend the Berklee 2021 Summer Music Program in the USA.

And they’ll receive international training that will set them apart from their contemporaries.

6. Program certification and induction to Henley Alumni for 13 contestants in the hub.

This is how you know that MTN Y’ello Star is committed to the full development of the winning contestants so they can become all round stars.

The judges of the competition are everybody’s faves. Peep the line-up:

1. Omawunmi

Singer, songwriter. A vocal powerhouse.

2. Banky W

A music legend. Extraordinary is a perfect word to describe him.

3. Malik Yusef

An internationally renowned songwriter and rapper.

A line-up of superstars

And the delectable hosts:

There’s sure to be no dull moment. Believe us, this is a show you don’t want to miss.

4 Things That Happened During The MTN Y’ello Star Auditions

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Beauty products are constantly evolving. But no matter how much they evolve, there are some products that will always remain the OGs. We made a list of them. How many can you remember? More importantly, how many of them did you use?

1. Shirley and POP face cream

Early 90s babies will never know this, please. Let’s leave this one for those born in the late 90s.

2. OG skin problem creams

Pimples? Eczema? Rashes? Just derm it all. Every night before bed, every morning after you wake up. Chai, 90s babies suffered.

3. The OG hair shampoos

Their kegs always ended up as kerosene kegs.

4. OG styling gels

The reigning queens that year.

5. 2000 N Six face cleanser

The other counterpart is “Rubbing Alcohol.” Mostly used by the mothers, so you get a pass if you don’t remember this.

6. OG body creams

Cocoa Butter and Miss Caroline. It was either one or the other. Notable mentions: Skinlight, Looking Good.

7. The OG of face creams

You had to have used one of them. Or all, if your skin problems were follow-come problems.

8. The OG lightening creams

Not everyone will know this, but they were quite popular in the market. Lemonvate, Tempovate, Fashion Fair, Movate.

9. Perfumes

A lot of these perfumes are still in use. But you see that Pucelle… the OG of all OGs.

10. Pink oil.

The holy grail of slay back then. Here’s another place where you need it:

7 Things You Need To Make Your Own Bone Straight Wig

Which beauty product did we leave out? Tell us!

If you enjoy cooking beans, then here’s a list of life-changing hacks that will take your beans game from a 10 to 1,000 at once:

7 Important Things You Need To Know About Cooking Beans

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Plantain is a very versatile dish. It can be fried, boiled, roasted, and made into small balls of enjoyment for the small chops package. But of all these variants, what’s the best way to eat plantain? We will tell you.

7. Boiled plantain.

Plantain is tasty, but this is the least appealing way to eat it. I know some people put it in pepper soup and all, but even then, it doesn’t bang as such. Sorry to people who enjoy it this way. Fix up.

6. Plantain Mosa

Honestly, we should be grateful for small chops that made this variant of plantain to shine. We honestly didn’t know her from anywhere. It’s good enough, but not that spectacular. It could go out of existence and I’ll be fine. I know there are others who feel this way too.

5. Plantain chips

Yes. Plantain chips slap really hard. Has to be one of the best inventions from plantain, if we are being honest. But it’s still a five for me. It’s good, but could be wayyy better. Also, soft and chewy plantain chips is greater than ikpekere. Let’s not argue that fact please.

4. Plantain frittata

Putting this here feels like a cheat because frittata has a lot going for it if we’re being honest. But then again, the additional stuff is why it is top tier and belongs in number 4. It’s filling and that’s enough compensation. But it’s really just technical to make.

3. Dodo Ikire

This is a bad b*tch that doesn’t get all the credit it deserves. Dodo Ikire is so unique and far off from all the other variants of plantain on this list. From the look alone, you know you’re in for a treat. And the taste? Unforgettable. Completely unforgettable.

2. Fried plantain

You know the vibes. This is a good spot and please let’s not even try to move this good sis to number 1. Her spot as second is a good one. Also hate to say it, but I think fried plantain can easily tire you if you decide to eat it as a standalone and not with other dishes like beans, rice, spaghetti, etc.

1. Bole and fish

My Port Harcourt people own this crown. I tasted bole and fish once and I knew where my loyalties lie. This combo has everything that beats the other plantain dishes hands down. Roasted bole, stew, fish, a sprinkle of leaves. You sef judge am na. Judge it and tell me why bole and fish shouldn’t own the top spot.

7 Important Things You Need To Know About Cooking Beans

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If, like me, you enjoy cooking beans, then here’s a list of life-changing hacks that will take your beans game from a 10 to 1,000 at once. These tips are tested and trusted.

1. Adding potash will speed up the cooking process.

Tested and trusted. Saves gas and kerosene and doesn’t change the taste of the beans.

2. Fresh pepper will give it a better taste than ata gungun.

Yes. Blend the right amount and add it to the beans. I hope you know that tomatoes have no business being in beans?

PS: Ata gungun is ground pepper. That powdered one you buy N20 per sachet. Don’t lie, we know you’re a regular customer.

3. Instead of using seasoning cubes, you can chop large onion bulbs in it for taste.

Now wey onions don cost, how we go take run am? I recommend returning to the seasoning cubes until onions return from war.

4. Slicing plantains inside the beans is greater than frying plantains and adding it to the beans.

This is greater.

This comes next.

Boiling plantain with the beans means that the plantain gets the seasoning and pepper the beans will get too. It means that the overall taste of the beans will improve and there’s extra sweetness. Don’t fault it if you haven’t tasted it.

I said what I said.

5. You really should be adding fish to your beans.

Here’s how I do it: I season and boil the fish before I start cooking the beans. I add the fish last after I’ve removed the bones removed and scattered the fish. I add the water from the fish too. Improves taste.

6. Liver and beans also make a great combination.

This was an experiment that went well. I bought a chunk of liver in Ibadan for N200 and decided to try it in beans. I seasoned and boiled it, and then chopped it into bits. It was like adding fried liver chops to fried rice. For the beans though, I didn’t fry the liver. I added the bits like that. It came out really well!

What’s more? I did a triple garnish combo: fish, plantain and liver. My goodness!

7. In terms of how long it takes to cook and how it turns out, Milk beans is bottom-tier.

Milk beans is the fairer version of honey (oloyin) beans. Tastes okay, but it’s really bottom tier. It takes a long time to get soft, and when it does, it just scatters in the post like a mash. Won’t recommend. I only cook it when there’s light and the electric cooker is free. Let us waste each other’s time together.

BONUS: Ugu bangs in beans.

I was actually sceptical about this until I tried it. No, I didn’t cook it; a friend’s aunt offered me a plate when I went visiting. I think the combo is an Igbo thing, because another Igbo friend confirmed that it’s a well known combination.

I’m yet to try cooking it on my own. I’ll get the recipe and try it. When I do, I’ll recommend my findings.

Here’s one other thing I get into: Ranking foods! It goes up on Zikoko’s Instagram and website every Friday by 9AM. It’s a nice opportunity to ~~dis~~agree with my food choices and agree that I’m a minister of enjoyment.

What’s The Best Thing To Eat Bread With? We Ranked Them All

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When we do a head count of the vegetables in Yorubaland, the list of Yoruba vegetables that will be counted are obvious: soko, tete, gure (water leaf), efinrin (scent leaves), and ewuro (bitter leaf). But there are other Yoruba vegetables that should be included. Here’s a list:

1. Efo Amunututu

This vegetable is said to be rich in Vitamin A, Vitamin C, iron, and calcium, it is an excellent source of beta-carotene, a powerful disease fighting anti-oxidant , very rich in protein and good source of soluble fibre. Translated to English, the name Efo Amunututu means “vegetable that cools/soothes the stomach.”

2. Marugbo

This leaf is the primary ingredient for Marugbo soup. To use it in Marugbo soup, it is combined with other leaves such as scent leaves, ewe Akintola, among others. The leaves are sun dried before they are used. This is why Marugbo soup is greenish black when cooked. Due to the concentration of vegetables in the soup, Marugbo soup has a laxative effect on the body, and this is why the soup is said to be medicinal.

Ewe Akintola

7 Foods That Need To Really Step Up Their PR Game

3. Isapa

Isapa soup is made from Isapa leaves which is also known as the Roselle plant. The plant is said to be medicinal, valued for its mild laxative effect, its ability to increase urination, and reduce nausea, among other things.

Isapa leaves, washed with hot water.

Here’s what Isapa soup looks like when cooked. Here’s a step by step guide on how to prepare it: How To Prepare Isapa Soup

4. Cocoyam leaves.

From what I know, you use only the tender shoots. That is, those young ones just blooming to life and not the wider leaves. It is said to be essential in reducing cholesterol level, controlling blood pressure, preventing anaemia, reducing wrinkly skin among others. It is also said to be useful in sperm production.

Yorubas certainly have this vegetable business on lockdown.

Let’s talk about Yoruba soups for a minute. Which would you classify as the best and which would you classify as the worst? We ranked them here:

Moringa Benefits for Women: What It Does and How to Use It

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The worst thing about being heartbroken is the triggers. The smell of a perfume can bring you memories. The style of walking, a picture of the place you used to visit together. If you are easily triggered, please avoid these fruits after breakup or you’ll never be able to get over them.

1. Banana.

For phallic reasons. Imagine ramming a banana down your throat and bursting into loud tears in Oshodi.

2. Watermelon.

The wetness. Your lips on it. The slurping. Are you ready to relive the heartbreak all over again?

3. Oranges.

The feel of squeezing it. Dear friend, we recommend that you stay away from it until you heal.

4. Cucumber.

Same as number 1. Imagine being so triggered by a wheelbarrow full of cucumbers that you start cursing Femi. The mallam selling will probably think you’re crazy.

5. Apples.

This apple is the villain. It will only remind you of the love that never was, the forbidden fruit you ate that has now turned sour in your mouth. Best to stay away from it.

7 Food Pictures That Will Definitely Turn You On

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Almost every Nigerian has a sex playlist. You know, that collection of songs they have prepared to play during knacks. If you own a playlist like this, we have ideas of what you might do with it.

1. You can play it while washing clothes.

The pent up sexual energy will be useful for something.

2. Or while bathing.

Let the water wash your tears away.

3. Or doing your house chores on Saturday morning.

Put your back in it, house chores style.

4. You can play it during your morning run.

Let something sensual fuel your desire.

5. You can also play it as you rededicate your refurbished virginity to your maker.

It is His will that every virginity be preserved until marriage and every act of fornication be truncated.

6. Or play it to cry.

At your big age, no one is eating your work. We feel sad for you sha.

7. And if everything else fails, maybe just delete it and accept the bitter truth that you are never getting laid.

We have said what we came to say.

7 Ways Nigerian Men Can Remain Virgins

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1. Baileys

2. Dettol

3. Morning Fresh

4. Cornflakes

5. Quaker Oats

6. Golden Morn

1. Use your kafa

2. Wipe

3. Cutout

4. Duck

5. Kpor well

6. Root out

7. AP

8. Bell

9. White

10. Manchi

11. Bani/ Shenkes /Kpalas

12. Amana

13. Abobi

14. Comot your body

15. Cut put for my body

16. Capping careless

17. Sea rough

Gloria.

Omotola.

IBK

Tobi

Hakeem.

1. For starters, they get a well-furnished house.

2. The house will contain an in-built studio.

3. They also get a recording contract.

4. And finally, imagine all the major publicity that comes with winning such a huge prize.

5. The five finalists will attend the Berklee 2021 Summer Music Program in the USA.

6. Program certification and induction to Henley Alumni for 13 contestants in the hub.

The judges of the competition are everybody’s faves. Peep the line-up:

1. Omawunmi

2. Banky W

3. Malik Yusef

1. Shirley and POP face cream

2. OG skin problem creams

3. The OG hair shampoos

4. OG styling gels

5. 2000 N Six face cleanser

6. OG body creams

7. The OG of face creams

8. The OG lightening creams

9. Perfumes

10. Pink oil.

7. Boiled plantain.

6. Plantain Mosa

5. Plantain chips

4. Plantain frittata

3. Dodo Ikire

2. Fried plantain

1. Bole and fish

1. Adding potash will speed up the cooking process.

2. Fresh pepper will give it a better taste than ata gungun.

3. Instead of using seasoning cubes, you can chop large onion bulbs in it for taste.

4. Slicing plantains inside the beans is greater than frying plantains and adding it to the beans.

5. You really should be adding fish to your beans.

6. Liver and beans also make a great combination.

7. In terms of how long it takes to cook and how it turns out, Milk beans is bottom-tier.

BONUS: Ugu bangs in beans.

1. Efo Amunututu

2. Marugbo

3. Isapa

4. Cocoyam leaves.

1. Banana.

2. Watermelon.

3. Oranges.

4. Cucumber.

5. Apples.

1. You can play it while washing clothes.

2. Or while bathing.

3. Or doing your house chores on Saturday morning.

4. You can play it during your morning run.

5. You can also play it as you rededicate your refurbished virginity to your maker.

6. Or play it to cry.

7. And if everything else fails, maybe just delete it and accept the bitter truth that you are never getting laid.