Kunle Ologunro, Author at Zikoko!

2020 has been a really long year. And if we really don’t remember anything about it (which is impossible), we can at least flashback to the songs that really defined the year. That’s why we are moving the motion for these songs to be included in this year’s Christmas carols.

The TL on every platform:
“I’m a savage! Classy, bougie, ratchet”
“Baby come gimme something oh”

Me: pic.twitter.com/e5upan0HB0
— PHoxy the Omega Level Grandpa 🧞‍♀️🧞🧞‍♂️ (@Supreme_Khy) March 23, 2020

1. Don’t Rush

This was the song of the #Don’tRush Challenge. Everywhere you turned on the timeline, it was “Don’t rush, slow touch, brown on white, maka go church.”

2. Baby come gimme something

Even Tony Elumelu joined to do this dance with his family.

3. Savage

I’m a savage! Classy, bougie, ratchet. Not that Christmas is a season to be classy, bougie and ratchet, but 2020 has been a mix of all. A savage year, both in the good and bad ways a thing can be savage.

4. Egungun be careful

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7lig–GQdI

This one was a whole movement. Obesere came back, and Zlatan had a remix with him. And the memes that came from it? A LOT.

5. Fem

This was and will remain the protest anthem. A reminder of our collective power as youths, a reminder that our voice matters. Is there anyone who believes otherwise? FEM!

[donation]
This is a ranking that I think is long overdue. Also, a very risky ranking, because I know you people will call for my head after this. But the truth has no hiding place.

Today, I ask the most important question of 2020: What’s the best cake? Is it chocolate cake, vanilla or Red Velvet?

This is my ranking:

3. Chocolate cake

I still think chocolate cake is unnecessary. In fact, abolish the concept of chocolates entirely. Chocolate cakes are often too sweet, and you get tired easily. So what’s the point? If something that is supposed to bring me enjoyment tires me, what is the point?

2. Red Velvet

This is surprisingly very good. I thought I wouldn’t like it, but I did. Still, it doesn’t mean I think it should exist as such. I’m sorry to everyone who lives by it. For me, I could easily live my life without tasting it and I would be fine.

1. Vanilla cake

There is no cake that can compare to this, if we are being honest. That’s why it is the first. The blue print for all the other types of cake. It is the only supreme leader we recognize in these streets.

There, I said it.

Here’s last week’s ranking (this one won’t make you want to beat me, I promise):

We Ranked Beans Combos From Worst To Best
Christmas is coming. And for most of us, it no longer holds as much excitement as it did when we were children. Responsibilities and adulthood have changed us. But let’s throw it all the way back to when we were children.

1. By this time, cloth would have been bought.

Either ready-made or cut and sew. If it’s cut and sew, they would have taken it to the tailor to avoid stories.

2. They would have measured your leg with a broomstick so they can get shoe size.

Those leather shoes in a box or canvas with blinking lights.

3. A chicken would have been tied outside the house.

We’ll be feeding it rice and bread and other left overs.

4. Small small renovations would be taking place by now.

Painting, patching places, or simply hanging up decorations.

5. They would have started selling 3 sound bangers by now.

All the sounds sef. Plus plastic sunglasses and Santa masks.

6. And Christmas hats too!

But this one will be bought when Christmas carol is close.

7. And finally, “Odun n lo s’opin” would be the major anthem.

This is the only thing that hasn’t changed. It is still being played and now, we have more understanding.

7 Foods You Can Serve Your Neighbours This Christmas
2020 has been a whole rollercoaster of a year. It’s a wonder how we are still able to hold it together despite all the things the year has thrown at us. Each time I think of everything that has happened this year, this is the meme that comes to mind:

Now that Christmas is coming, the ideal thing would be to celebrate with food. But things don cost. How then can you survive? What can you serve your guests?

We have Christmas food ideas.

1. Swallow.

Garri is cost, but thankfully still affordable. Or you can try elubo. Make eba, amala, and wrap it inside cloth for them. They will take it home and prepare stew on their own. It’s the thought that counts.

2. Bread and stew.

This one is cost-effective if you partner with a local bakery. Take note of the tentative guest list and when you have a substantial number, go to the bakery and tell them to give you that amount of bread, that you want to sell it. They will reduce the price for you.

3. Bread and eggs.

This one is for people who are a bit buoyant. Perhaps you’re earning a 13th month salary. Buy half a crate of eggs and some rodo. The vegetable oil to fry it might be a bit expensive, but it will remain for your own personal use later.

4. Swallow and draw soup.

This one has to be the cheapest option. Buy N500 ewedu and see if the pot will not be full. Sprinkle some egusi, locust beans, ground pepper and palm oil and you have ewedu Jollof. Your guests will bite their fingers ~~in regret~~ in delight.

5. Concotion rice.

This one will stretch your pockets small, but at least it’s better than Jollof rice which is more expensive. You don’t need to buy fish. A bag of crayfish from Mama Njideka and your concotion rice is lit.

6. Pancakes.

Flour isn’t so cost, is it? Also pancakes are fancy. Just one or two and your neighbours will sing your praises to the high heavens. Try it and see.

7. Family biscuit.

Open the pack and ask them to take 4 and pass it to the next person. Add one sachet of water each or Zobo, if you’re financially buoyant. December no fit Detty pass that one.

Read this so you’ll understand what we mean when we say things are hard and why we have alternative Christmas food ideas:

7 “Poor” Man’s Food That Are Now Expensive In Nigeria
Ilorin is one of the best places to live in Nigeria. But there are a number of things that make their people peculiar. Here’s a short list of some of those things:

1. They are very chill

They don’t have that gra-gra Lagosians have an excess of. In Ilorin, if you do gra-gra, you’re suffering yourself. They’re so chill that they don’t rush to open shops in the morning. If you plan to cook very early, buy your ingredients the night before.

2. They are very hospitable

Very. They are willing to go the extra mile to make you comfortable. Just don’t abuse their kindness.

3. They are always ready to give you hot-hot

The best way to get on their bad side is to dress like a Lagos person. We won’t tell you just what to wear, but imagine putting on something risque and stepping out in Ilorin. Prepare to be the recipient of unwanted stares of disgust and wanton lust.

3. They take their religion seriously.

The Muslims and the Christians, they both work on their relationship with God very hard. So hard that a woman can be whipped if she visits certain places on Friday without a headscarf or in a sleeveless dress.

4. The dating circle is large but also very small

We’ll leave it at that. If you know you know.

5. They have Unilorin connections.

That is, anyone Ilorin person you meet knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who works in Unilorin. For real.

6 Things You Can Do In Ilorin This Weekend
Lagos will stress you out. It will kill you and devour your bones. To prevent that from happening, here are some things you must always carry with you if you want to survive Lagos.

1. Pankere

For flogging people who walk anyhow in front of you without considering the fact that they’re on the main road and people are in a hurry. Just land them one fiam on their back and watch them fast forward like a DVD.

2. Pepper spray

For people who try to grope you anyhow or assume that they can touch you inappropriately.

You can also use blended pepper as an alternative. Just store it in a plastic bottle and pierce the cap. If anybody tries nonsense with you, just squirt it in their eyes. Their father.

3. A bottle of your urine

Same as the blended pepper recommendation too. Simply pierce the cap and spray away. Will be good for those car owners who splash mud on you and those danfo drivers who move too close to your car in traffic.

4. Extra leggings

Fight can break out anywhere in Lagos. You have to be prepared to japa.

5. Handbag to put your wig in.

Especially when you want to enter danfo. Imagine them stealing wig your wig off your head while you’re struggling for molue in Oshodi. Because of N150 bus, you lost N40k wig.

6. Fake baby/pregnancy

People are kinder to pregnant people in Lagos. You might as well cash in on that sympathy.

7. Catapult

For those traders in Yaba who are convinced they have what you want and won’t leave you alone. Since they want to be mad, convince them that nobody has a monopoly on madness. You sef get am plenty.
Snapchat filters have done a great work in helping us take better selfies. And we appreciate them. That’s why the reward for hard work is more hard work. With each selfie they make better, Nigerians keep applying pressure. Behold, a list of Snapchat filters that have served Nigerians so well:

1. The flower crown

The OG of Snapchat filters. The filter of all filters. It was called Ugu leaves at some point. And some people still claimed that a real man shouldn’t use that filter.

Wahala for who be real man oh.

2. The dog filter

Runner up. Everywhere, there was this filter. The long pink tongue, the floppy ears, the nose. Whew, it was an era.

3. The pink flower

And then this one entered the group chat. Pink haze everywhere.

4. The mask

Miss Rona brought this to our faces. And suddenly it’s the happening thing. Nigerians abeg, the filter needs rest. Wear a proper mask and take a photo with it.

5. Ciao

Hmm. Let me not say what is on my mind. But rumour has it that the filter is currently begging for its life like this:

Nigerians, abeg eh.

You should read this if you haven’t:

7 Things A Married Woman Must Do After Cheating On Her Husband
Most organizations often advise against office dating and all the other gum-body activities that come with it. But they don’t know ball. We are here to tell you today that you will gain a lot from dating your co-worker.

Here’s is a list of some exquisite benefits you’ll enjoy:

1. You can curse your boss together.

Imagine post coital conversations being about your boss being a basic b*tch.

2. Collaboration becomes even easier.

“Hi Femi, I just came to ask you how far with the client work”

3. Roleplay just got more exciting.

Cue: Underpaid worker angrily f**ks nasty boss.

4. If you want to steal the company from your boss, makes it easier.

Two against one, the beginning of eternal discord.

5. Both of you can defend each other and gaslight your boss.

Boss: Can you see that A is no longer meeting her KPI?

B: No. Maybe you have the wrong person. She did. Check the records.

6. And if anything, both of you can send your boss to the world beyond.

Just know that you’ll rot in jail afterwards.

You should read this:

5 Ways To Deal With Your Boss Spiritually
Dear married women, if you are caught cheating on your husband, there’s no need to panic. Do the things on this list and everything will be fine.

1. You should first deny it.

Make the man believe that he is crazy. How can you cheat on him, your lawfully wedded husband? Is he calling you a liar?

2. When you realize that you have been caught, change tactic.

Bone your face and claim that you cannot eat one food for the rest of your life. You need to explore na. He should pity you. Does he not understand that you’re a woman?

3. If your husband remains adamant, call your family members.

Not to apologize, but to tell him that mistakes happen and that he should be grateful you came out and confessed your infidelity. Many women will not confess. For that reason, your husband should be grateful and not allow the devil to destroy his marital home.

4. If you get pregnant, don’t abort it. Simply marry the man and bring him into your home.

Let your family know this. They will come to your husband and tell him to take heart. He should learn to live in peace and harmony with the new husband. A woman cannot be owned by just one man. He should learn to share. It’s for the upliftment of the family.

Read: 7 Tests To Give The Man You Want To Marry

5. By the way, always blame your husband for making you cheat.

Why is his skin not fair? Why does he not last 30 minutes in bed? Why is his penis not curved? Oh, he does not cook for you and he expects you not to step outside and taste other men’s penis? O wrong nau.

6. Buy him a gold wristwatch and credit his account.

There’s no problem gifts and money cannot solve. Besides, diamonds are a man’s best friend. He should cry in the toilet and wipe his tears like a good man. What does the book of Proverbs say about men that are able to endure and persevere?

7. If all fails, you should make a video and tag the whole world to help you beg your husband.

A forgiving husband is a husband who cares about the wellbeing of his family. He should not give the devil a chance. If he refuses to forgive your cheating and take you back, then the world will understand that he is an evil man, because you tried your very best.

Stay jiggy.

You should read these ones if you haven’t:

5 Nigerian Married Women Discuss Cheating On Their Husbands

7 Nigerian Married Men Discuss Cheating On Their Wives
Beans is one food that is often combined with other foods to bring a different taste of to make it more filling. Today on Ranked, we take on all the possible beans combo to find the worst and the best of all.

7. Beans and yam

This is a good combo. It is filling, and keeps you drinking water. Very good for when you’re broke, the same way we all are. The preparation is quite strenuous though, especially if the yam is hard and does not soften easily.

6. Beans and potatoes

The way I love this combo! Potatoes and beans bangs so hard. It’s total sweetness. And it’s rich in carbs too. My issue with it is the fact that potatoes are not exactly easy to peel. I’ve nicked my fingers a few times while trying to cook them. If you can get past that hurdle, it’s flex.

5. Beans and corn

People don’t talk about this combo enough and it stresses me out. Beans and corn is easily one of the best meals out there. The taste is completely different from any other beans combo, and it’s just as filling too. One excuse people give is that it takes too long to cook. But should that hinder you?

PS: People use sweet corn to supplement fresh maize.

Read: 7 Important Things You Need To Know About Cooking Beans

4. Beans and plantain

I thought long and hard before putting this at number 4. But the truth is, number 3 beats it hands down (check number 3 & come back to fight me). Yes, taste and all, beans and plantain is great. But satisfaction, availability, and quantity nko? And the truth is this: beans and plantain will tire you easily. Yes, I said what I said.

3. Beans and garri

I hope there are others who agree with me on this. Beans and garri is easily available, tastes great and can hold stomach well. Besides, some people still add garri to beans and plantain, so what are we saying?

2. Beans and rice

The way it is like this, elite combination. Nothing at all can take away its position. Rice and beans is elite. Be it cooked together or cooked separately, they align well.

1. Beans and bread

Can we all agree that bread and beans is the baddest to ever do it? CAN WE ALL AGREE, PLEASE? Especially if it’s soft agege bread and ewa agoyin. Goodness. If you are a Nigerian and you don’t like bread and beans, I don’t know for you oh.

Have you seen this ranking?

We Ranked Yoruba Soups From Worst To Best

1. Don’t Rush

2. Baby come gimme something

3. Savage

4. Egungun be careful

5. Fem

3. Chocolate cake

2. Red Velvet

1. Vanilla cake

1. By this time, cloth would have been bought.

2. They would have measured your leg with a broomstick so they can get shoe size.

3. A chicken would have been tied outside the house.

4. Small small renovations would be taking place by now.

5. They would have started selling 3 sound bangers by now.

6. And Christmas hats too!

7. And finally, “Odun n lo s’opin” would be the major anthem.

1. Swallow.

2. Bread and stew.

3. Bread and eggs.

4. Swallow and draw soup.

5. Concotion rice.

6. Pancakes.

7. Family biscuit.

1. They are very chill

2. They are very hospitable

3. They are always ready to give you hot-hot

3. They take their religion seriously.

4. The dating circle is large but also very small

5. They have Unilorin connections.

1. Pankere

2. Pepper spray

3. A bottle of your urine

4. Extra leggings

5. Handbag to put your wig in.

6. Fake baby/pregnancy

7. Catapult

1. The flower crown

2. The dog filter

3. The pink flower

4. The mask

5. Ciao

1. You can curse your boss together.

2. Collaboration becomes even easier.

3. Roleplay just got more exciting.

4. If you want to steal the company from your boss, makes it easier.

5. Both of you can defend each other and gaslight your boss.

6. And if anything, both of you can send your boss to the world beyond.

1. You should first deny it.

2. When you realize that you have been caught, change tactic.

3. If your husband remains adamant, call your family members.

4. If you get pregnant, don’t abort it. Simply marry the man and bring him into your home.

5. By the way, always blame your husband for making you cheat.

6. Buy him a gold wristwatch and credit his account.

7. If all fails, you should make a video and tag the whole world to help you beg your husband.

7. Beans and yam

6. Beans and potatoes

5. Beans and corn

Read: 7 Important Things You Need To Know About Cooking Beans

4. Beans and plantain

3. Beans and garri

2. Beans and rice

1. Beans and bread