Dear Nigerian men, we heard that you people have created the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria. We are happy for you oh, may your stinginess open more doors for you (or not).
Anyway, if you are part of the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria and you fall under any of these categories we are about to mention, oga, please remove yourself from that group with immediate alacrity.
1. Men that still live with their parents.
You too, reason it. You’re enjoying your parents generosity, eating their food and hibernating under their roof, but outside you’re doing SMAN. Does it make any sense to you? If your parents decide to join Stingy Parents Association of Nigeria, what will your story be?
2. You’re still dropping your account number under giveaway posts.
Stingy Man that wants to collect oshofree. No be so dem dey do things nau.
3. Men that use their hair cream as body cream.
Oga, that stinginess you want to show Nigerian women, maybe you should rethink it. Because which Nigerian woman wants to be with a man who cannot even buy body cream for himself?
4. Men that are still in the university.
Or rather, boys. This is an important period of your life. Is it stinginess you want to use it and do? Your mates are out there, busy achieving great things, but you’re shouting on the internet that you belong to SMAN. Ngwanu, even if you’re not a part of SMAN, who is asking you for money anyway?
5. Men without two bank accounts.
Maybe your financial status would have changed a lot if you did not spend so much time worrying about how to be stingy to Nigerian women.
If you fall under any of these categories, go back to the drawing board and rethink your life. It’s not everything you must join.
That’s our own advice for you.
We Nigerians often think we have a monopoly on ruggedness, but I think the Zimbabweans come close, especially the transport sector. I found a number of similarities between the Nigerian danfo system and the Zimbabwean system, and I knew I HAD to share ASAP.
NB: Buses in Zimbabwe are called kombis, while in Nigeria, they are largely referred to as danfos.
1. Zimbabwean bus drivers are almost always trying to evade the police.
It is the same in Nigeria. It’s like Zimbabwe and Nigeria are in the same WhatsApp group.
2. If you take a bus in Zimbabwe, you have to sit 4 on a seat, even though the seats are meant for 3 people.
My dear reader, if Nigerian bus drivers can have people sit on the roof so they can collect money for it, they will.
Personal story: Last year in Lagos, I was carrying what was left of my tired body home in a danfo when this man came from nowhere and attached his body to the bus like a leech. Turns out he knew the driver and so they let him in(to the already full bus). My man had to hunch over the passengers in the next seat.
Guess what? He still had the audacity to eat a meat-pie.
Sometimes, I’m tempted to believe Nigeria is not a real country.
3. In Zimbabwe buses, there is a little seat where the engine is.
The engine is covered with something, and normally, no one is expected to sit there, but if you are willing to pay half the fare, you can sit there and face the entire bus. It is called “Face The Nation.”
In Nigeria, you pay full fare, but you don’t have to face the whole bus sha.
4. They can decide to take another route because they’re trying to evade bills from touts.
It’s the same here in Nigeria. Sometimes, they do shortcuts because of traffic, and most of the time, the shortcuts tend to also be populated by other drivers trying to avoid traffic.
Yes, japa-ing is the latest thing. You wake up one day, pack your load and leave Nigeria and its many deficiencies alone. That’s commendable. But then, there’s one thing no one prepares you for, and that is the number of Nigerian foods you will miss when you are out of the country.
We made a list of some of those foods:
1. Ewa agoyin
Yes, you can cook it at home. But can you, really? Can you replicate the taste? The sauce, the soft yams that are sometimes paired with it?
Can you get this peculiar flavour?
2. Suya
LMAO. There’s no other way to say this. Suya comes with the Nigerian package. You see those TikTok videos of people making suya? Welp. If it is not suya, it cannot taste like suya.
3. Ofada rice
You know, you can easily cook this on your own. But can your neighbours withstand the smell? Sometimes being a good neighbour means that you have to let go of some of the things you enjoy eating.
4. Abacha
Can you find Abacha hawkers in Canada or New York?
5. Efo riro
There are a lot of plants in the abroad, but I’m sure none of those people have a farm for Efo soko or Efo tete. So, what’s going to happen?
6. Kilishi
This one can be managed by shipping. Your people in Nigeria can ship it over to you.
7. Agege bread
Sure, you can get proper (and better) American bread. But can it ever be like Agege bread?
8. Bole
Port Harcourt people will feel this the most. But even those who are not from Port Harcourt will also know what it feels like to be in a country where bole is not readily available.
9. Amala and abula
We know this can be cooked at home. But can anything beat the local abula in a local buka? The heat of the buka, the sweat, the… *whew*
10. Okpa
If you’re a foreigner visiting Nigeria for the first time, this one is for you:
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Last year, one of the most divisive swallows, Semo, sat down with us in a bid to try and clear its tainted name. It didn’t go well. Now, with Fufu’s ongoing PR nightmare, the unassuming swallow is trying to do the same.
In this interview, Fufu shares how it feels about being relentlessly dragged by African-Americans, being defended by only a few Nigerians and how it wants more people to be Fufu advocates.
Zikoko: Thank you so much for coming in today. We know how tight your schedule is.
Fufu: Well, when the reputation you have spent countless years diligently building is about to destroyed for cheap laughs, you have to put everything else on hold.
I agree. Who are the people trying to tarnish your name?
At this point, who isn’t? Every day, someone will just wake up and think, “Let me tweet hateful lies about Fufu.” Is it that you people don’t have work? Is Nigeria not stressing you enough, abi what?
Then, to add insult to injury, African-Americans have now joined in on the slander. Those ones are making videos and doing their mouth anyhow when they taste me.
We are in the middle of three pandemics — coronavirus, Buhari and Trump’s last days in office — and people still have time to be making fun of how I taste. Have we forgotten that a symptom of corona is a lack of taste.
Listen, you do not get to where I am today by tasting mediocre. I am enjoyed in many African countries, from Ghana to Liberia. If you think it’s easy, how come Semo has not achieved that level of success?
All the swallows know Semo is trash. That one is not a secret.
Wow.
Name any soup and see if I don’t work well with it. Is it Egusi? We make a great team. Okro? Buddies for life. Efo riro? My ride or die. I don’t choke people, I don’t stick to fingers. What else do you people want?
You are all so ungrateful.
Honestly, I think you’re doing great. But…
But what?
I… I think you would do a lot better if you did not have such a… um, a distinct smell.
Shrinkage.
Excuse me?
You want me to shrink myself.
No, I—
We teach Fufu to shrink itself, to make itself small. We say to Fufu, you can have ambition but not too much. You should aim to be white but not too white, so you don’t threaten Pounded Yam.
Because I am Fufu, I am expected to aspire to public perfection. And yet, I am not recognised enough. Nigerians don’t even serve me at parties. What manner of disrespect is that?
But you are recognised. In fact—
You call international dragging recognition? African-Americans talking about me and making videos, not for enjoyment but for laughs, is that recognition?
I know and I’m grateful, but they are not nearly enough.
To be honest, I’m more focused on the sheep — the people who hate on me because of peer pressure. People who have never tasted me, but swear I am trash. People who can’t look beyond my smell.
How do you think we can fix this?
Well, we can all start by becoming Fufu advocates.
Who or what is a Fufu advocate?
My own definition of a Fufu advocate is simple. A Fufu advocate is any person who says, yes, there is a problem with how Fufu is being represented these days and we must fix it. We must do better.
Even if you don’t like me, you shouldn’t just sit by and watch people from other parts of the world drag me. You’re the only one that should be allowed to drag me. Honestly, you should all do better.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
Yes, heartbreaks are bad. But have you ever considered that there might be other worse things that can happen to you in this life? Life never prepares you. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.
1. Plugging your phone all night only to wake up and see that it didn’t charge.
Where do I start from?
2. Getting in trouble for a crime you didn’t commit.
This can be small scale like being flogged for your sibling’s wahala, or large scale like getting arrested by the police for something you don’t know about.
3. Being ghosted by someone you thought was really interested in you.
I… I thought we had a chemistry.
4. Being stuck in traffic when you have an important appointment.
Can I fly? Can I just fly!
5. Being separated from your partner in a difficult examination.
This hurts even more you don’t know anything and your friend is the only hope.
6. Bitcoin dropping after you put your money in it.
Why must everything scatter when you join it?
7. Waking up to see that the food you cooked last night has gone sour.
What is life if you cannot play around with food and experiment with new things? If you are looking to try new food combinations, look no further. This is the right place to start:
If you want your stomach uncomfortably full and you also don’t feel like sleeping for some reason, this is the garri combination for you. Just mix your garri the normal way and then add 2 to 8 heaped tablespoons of coffee. It won’t take long before you feel the kick.
Just think of it as drinking garri and eating moi moi with it. Besides, moi-moi is made from beans, so it’s technically like eating Golden Morn and beans.
Igbo mothers are the sweetest, we agree. But we must also agree that in their quest to do the best, they also stress us out. If you grew up with an Igbo mother, then this one is for you.
1. Inscribe their names on their cooking utensils.
Nne m, nobody will steal your spoons na. Just leave it alone.
2. Have a chest of new original Holandise wrappers and still complain about being broke.
And their complaints are so genuine you start to feel for them.
3. Wake you up by 4 am for morning devotion.
This one is the most stressful part of it all. Can’t someone get a good night’s sleep?
4. Go to church by 8am and come back by 4pm.
Meetings after meeting, friends to gist with, latest stories to catch up on. This is why they never arrive home in time.
5. Name you Elizabeth but shorten it to Eliza.
Since you know you will call me Eliza, why did you now put Elizabeth on my birth certificate?
4. One day they will fight and Adam will collect his rib back.
And then he will realise his mistake because there will be nobody to cook his food, iron his clothes and warm his bed. He will then understand that the animals in the garden cannot replace Eve.
5. When God sends them out of the Garden of Eden for eating the forbidden fruit, Eve will never hear the end of it.
Eve: Good morning, sweetheart.
Adam: Abegi. That’s how you will be acting like a good person. Shebi they have sent us out now. What is good about the morning?
Eve: I want to go and pluck vegetables for our dinner.
Adam: Hmm. Go oh, go and meet your friend Satan. Maybe he will give you orange this time.
6. And if Adam was the one who ate the fruit first, well…
Food plays an important in relationships. For many people, food is their love language, and for many others, food is a strong determining factor when they choose a life partner. So, to avoid “Had I Known”, don’t cook these foods for a person you’re not married to.
1. Pounded Yam
Omo, it’s for your own good oh. Imagine pounding yam furiously for a man that will later tell you, “I just don’t think we have a future together.” Or a woman that will say no when you ask her to marry you.
Backbreaking labour wasted. God forbid abeg.
2. Ekpangnkukwo.
You yourself, have you cooked something this delicious for yourself before attempting to cook it for a man or woman who is probably cheating on you? Until there’s a ring and an official document, let everybody patronise their favourite restaurants please.
3. Moi moi
You too, reason it: You’ll soak beans, peel it, wash it, take it to be ground, bring it back, add the condiments, measure it in tins, put it in a pot, and then wait for it to steam.
All for someone who hasn’t met your parents. Omo, may the labours of our heroes past not be in vain oh.
4. Ofe Nsala
Ofe Nsala. OFE NSALA for a person that has not talked marriage yet? Hmm. If it’s scratching your body to cook, why not open a restaurant???
5. Ogbono
This one is to save you from embarrassment oh. Imagine cooking ogbono that did not draw for a person you’re chyking or that is chyking you. That’s how your cover will blow and they will break up with you. You’ll now be that guy/babe that cannot cook ogbono.
We rebuke it for you.
6. Efo riro.
You’ll cook efo riro and the person will start running after you and professing love. Small time, people will accuse you of washing bumbum inside the soup because why else are they running after you like you’re their oxygen tank?
Think about it.
7. Pap/Custard
We are not saying you should not prepare this one for them. But wait until you’re married and you live together. That way, if you make River Niger for them and call it pap, they will take it like that. After all, they promised to love you with all your flaws.
8. Pancakes
Again, wait until you’re in the house oh. Cause your pancakes can turn to scrambled eggs and casala can impregnate wahala. You need to be sure that nothing can pursue you out of that relationship.
9. Semo
This one is for your own good. Semo is widely hated. You don’t want to inherit that hatred, so it’s best you don’t even near it at all, even when you are married.
What are the foods and drinks that enhance libido? Ah, we have answers! 🥳 Today on Ranked, we bring you the low-down on foods and drinks that will help increase your sex drive. Feel free to include them in your diet if you want to get your groove on.
For today’s rankings, you can disregard the positions.
1. Watermelon
Watermelon is rich in an amino acid called citrulline. This relaxes and dilates blood vessels that help increase sex drive. Y’all know what that means? 🌚
2. Coconut Water
Raise your hand if you believe drinking coconut water will make you a blockhead. Apparently, our good sis here contains nutrients that are beneficial to getting a climax. I guess that’s why they changed her PR before we discovered her potential.
3. Banana
This one isn’t shaped like a penis for nothing. We stan a fruit that lives a life aligned with its purpose. Eat it if you want to increase your energy level, boost semen and aid erection. It’s really a holy trinity of pleasure.
LMAO don’t you ever wonder why dark chocolate is included as part of a Valentine’s day package? This hunk right here stimulates the body’s production of serotonin and Dopamine, and when these two things are in, then you know the gbedu is about to enter body.
5. Red Wine
Here’s the thing about Red Wine: it boosts testosterone. That’s not all. Red Wine also makes you horny. Why else do you think some women say the wine went straight down to their pum-pum? Ah, we see y’all. Keep doing the good work.
6. Dates
Dates have been used as aphrodisiac and is known to improve sexual stamina, libido and your performance. Quick tip: You can soak dates in milk overnight and drink it the next morning. Or maybe include it in your smoothie. Ouuuuuuu 💦
7. Tigernut Milk
This one is key for sexual arousal. It also helps you last longer in bed. And the sellers know it too. This one is between me and you: combine date, banana and tigernut together, and drink it. See if you will not come back and share your story on Zikoko’s #SexLife.
