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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio – Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies

    *Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted. 

    What’s the relationship here?

    Caroline:  We used to date.

    Somto:  She’s my ex. 

    How long did you guys date for?

    Somto:  We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.

    Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th. 

    Tell me about your relationship.

    Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship.. 

    Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.

    Somto, do you think you’re easily persuaded to do things you don’t want to? 

    I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends. 

    Interesting. How did the relationship end?

    Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt. 

    Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up. 

    Yikes. Somto, are you with your ex now?

    No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.

    Caroline mentioned fights. What exactly were you guys fighting about?

    Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.

    Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong. 

    Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself. 

    Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.

    Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.

    What did you guys hate about the relationship?

    Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship. 

    Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together. 

    What was your sex life like?

    Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.

    Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.

    What did you pick up from the relationship?

    Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her. 

    Caroline:  His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed. 

    Are you guys still attracted to each other? 

    Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him. 

    Somto:  I would assume so. Probably. 

    How did you guys get over the break up? 

    Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me. 

    Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.

    The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived. 

    Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you. 

    Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad. 

    Somto: Did I? Did I really? 

    Caroline:  You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.

    If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.

    Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.

    When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.

    Somto, would you say you dated her out of pity? 

    Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex. 

    Caroline: Wow.

    So, she was a rebound?

    Somto:  💀

    Caroline:  It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this. 

    Is there a chance of getting back together at all?

    Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.

    Somto: I don’t think so. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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  • You know those places that you can’t hang out for 30 minutes without seeing someone you’ve slept with? It’s usually tres awkward as you give yourselves a knowing nod and proceed to be uncomfortable the entire time. These hot spots exist in every state, and they are usually popular among residents. Today, we present 6 places in Abuja you are bound to run into an old flame.

    1. Keje Grills

    Bruh. If you live in Abuja then you know that this deserves the number one spot. Everyone knows that it takes forever for your food order to get to you, so as you wait for food while sipping drinks, BOOM! That human you slept with multiple times and never called back walks in with their new partner and things just become awkward.

    2. Iya Oyo

    You go there for the Amala and stay for the Ewedu until you meet that tinder date you slept with and took for breakfast there. Now, you guys are cutting each other eye over Amala. It’s worse if you see them on the queue as you walk in. Yikes.

    3. Beer Barn

    What is it about tight, small spaces, hot air and lack of seats that makes people turn up? As you squeeze through sweaty bodies to get a good space, you’d accidentally bump into a body that feels familiar. Alas, it’s your fuckbuddy you ditched because they don’t eat ass. Now you’re in this tight space with them, their partner, yours and a bunch of bearded men playing pool.

    4. Junkyard

    Where do I begin? Honestly, Junkyard is the perfect setting for a meet and greet of exes and fuckbuddies. You’d be minding your business there, next thing you are watching your ex-thing chat happily with their friends. You can’t complain because you met them there. It’s awkward because they are hanging out with the friends you both met together. You can be certain they’ve started fucking someone else in the group.

    5. Calypso garden

    If Abuja people are like chimneys then Calypso garden is the house that holds the chimney. There are several spots within the garden but the most popular one has to be Boooozway. You could be drinking good cocktail and getting high with your new peng thing when suddenly you see them. That partner you left because you found shit stain on their underwear comes in with their friends. You give them a knowing nod and hope they don’t come to your table.

    6. Anywhere in Gwarinpa

    Abuja is so small that honestly, we are just recycling partners at this point. If one person has an STI, everyone has to get tested. Within Abuja is a smaller community but worse. Behold, I present to you Gwarinpa. Everyone living in Gwarinpa is a slut. Every spot in Gwarinpa is a slut spot. Everywhere you go in Gwarinpa, you will run into someone you’ve slept with hanging out with another person you’ve slept with. Trust me, they are sleeping with each other. It’s a slut fest.

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  • Raising kids is one heck of a responsibility. Do you have what it takes? Take this quiz to find out how many children you should have.

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  • Being a woman is already hard enough. We have to deal with harassment, unrealistic societal expectations, fear of getting raped and murdered for rejecting romantic advance, and the list goes on. Now, reports are, women are getting denied entry to certain spaces without a male chaperon because they are perceived as prostitutes. I spoke to some women about their personal experience and this is what they had to say.

    1. Rose

    I went to deliver a cake to a client at Stone Cafe in Ibadan. They refused me entry so I thought it had something to do with my shorts, T-shirt, and slippers. I tried to reason with them that the celebrant asked me to come in with the cake (that I was holding) but they ignored me. That was how I called the celebrant to come outside. She tried to beg them that the cake was too heavy for her and she didn’t want to have to carry it. When they refused, she stepped out to get the cake and when she tried to get in, they refused her entry. They asked her to call the man she came with before they let her in again. Omo.

    2. Jewel

    I went to rooftop bar at Eko hotel with my best friend. As we were walking to the elevator, one of their employees blocked us and asked us where we were going. When we told him, he asked who we were going to meet there, we said we just wanted to get drinks. He then inquired if we were staying at the hotel. The interrogation was getting confusing until we saw a man walking past us without getting blocked then we got the memo. The employee let us go eventually but we were too disgusted so we just left.

    3. Oyin

    Last December, a group of friends and I went to Switch Lounge in Ibadan for some drinks. We got barred because they do not let women into their establishment without at least one man with them. We were shocked because we had come there a couple of times without issues but what we didn’t realise was that we were only granted access in previous times because we came in with men. They excused their policy saying prostitutes frequent there as a means of getting clients and they wanted to curb it. I haven’t been there since then.

    Hi there! The HER weekly newsletter launches on the 6th of March, 2021. A new newsletter will go out every week on Saturday by 2pm. If you have already subscribed please tell a friend. If you haven’t, you can by clicking this button. It will only take fifteen seconds. Trust me, I timed it!

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    4. Mercy

    In 2019, I went to moist beach and the bouncers prevented us from going in because we had no male company. He asked if we came alone and we said “yes” and he told us that he had to been instructed to not let women in without a male companion. It was so embarrassing because I kept thinking is it not my money I am coming to spend? What does this have to do with a man? Luckily, I saw a male friend there who confronted them before they let us in.

    5. Queen

    I and my girl planned a night outing and our first stop was Velvett Lounge VI but they denied us access. Apparently, you have to either reserve a table before time, come with a man, or be a regular customer (but how am I supposed to be a regular in a club please?). We left Velvett and went to Sip (Zenbar), where we were still denied access that we can’t enter without a man. We finally just went home cause we couldn’t deal.

    6. Thema

    I made a reservation at the Office Bar in Sheraton February this year to celebrate my birthday. I invited my girlfriends but when I got there, I was denied access by the security for about 20 minutes until the manager came and confirmed my reservation. When I asked why, the manager said most times, girls come and take up seats, not pay for drinks and harass their male customers. How come men harass women in public spaces all the time yet are never denied access to these spaces? I never set foot there again.

    7. Amaka

    When Velvett used to be a restaurant, my friends and I would go there to wait out the traffic. When they became a club, a few friends and I decided to go there one night and we were denied access. It really pained me cause I used to spend my money there at least 3 times a week and now, they are acting brand new.

    Hi there! The HER weekly newsletter launches on the 6th of March, 2021. A new newsletter will go out every week on Saturday by 2pm. If you have already subscribed please tell a friend. If you haven’t, you can by clicking this button. It will only take fifteen seconds. Trust me, I timed it!

    Sign me up!

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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: Love Life – We Hate Having To Hide Our Love

    *Dorcas, 22, and *Lara, 18, have been dating for 9 months now. For today’s Love Life, they talk about hiding their long-distance relationship from their religious families, all while trying to plan a future together.

    What’s your earliest memory of your partner?

    Dorcas: Swiping right on Tinder. She didn’t even have a profile picture, but I thought her name was interesting. We matched. . She wasn’t very active on Tinder, so we took things to WhatsApp. Then she asked me out. 

    Lara: Funny thing is, I remember her asking me out with a song. I think the song is “Suited” by Shekinah.

    Dorcas: I told her that I was done dating for the year and just wanted to have fun, but she kept shooting her shot. After a month of chatting, I realised that I actually loved her. 

    What do you love the most about her?

    Dorcas: Her smile. I had no idea that people with gap-tooth could be so beautiful when they smiled. Every single time she smiles, I’m like, ‘Oh my God. She is so beautiful’.

    Lara: Dorcas gives the best advice. I cannot make a decision without letting her know. She knows what to say at any given situation and she is so supportive. 

    Speaking of support, how is your family handling your relationship? 

     Lara: They are not aware. My parents are conservative and religious. They do not accept our kind of relationship, so, right now, only my close friends know. 

    Dorcas: Right now, only my brother is aware.  He found out because he kept probing, but he is super cool about it. I can’t tell my mum because I don’t think she’s ready. I have been dropping hints about not bringing home a husband. I’m always like, “Don’t be too disappointed if I don’t get married”.

    So, marriage is not in the plan?

    Dorcas: It is, but marriage isn’t an endpoint. Tags are not my thing, but I want us to always be together in a committed relationship. If that ends up being a marriage, then sure. 

    Lara: Dorcas and I have spoken about it and yes, it’s something we’d like to do. My biggest worry about marriage is disappointing my family, but I can’t help it. I am not going to live an unhappy life to make them feel better. If things get to a point where they cut me off, then I’ll learn to accept it. 

    Dorcas: I grew up in a very religious family. I think my mum might die if she finds out.  She’s slowly accepting the fact that I don’t have or want a boyfriend, but she made me promise not to join the ‘LGBT+ clique’. She said it like it was a cult or something. I have sha been preparing her for the worst. 

    Speaking of which, do you plan to have kids?

    Lara:  YES. I want children, so we are definitely having kids.

    Dorcas: I am not really a baby person. They are cute and I love my nieces and nephews, but I am not freaked out by the baby thing Lara wants them though, so, yes, we are having them.

    Nice. Do you feel heterosexual relationships are different in any way from what you share?

    Lara: I haven’t been in a heterosexual relationship so I’m not sure how it works, but I’ll say that in a lesbian relationship, both parties are getting more pleasure from the sex because they understand their bodies. 

    Dorcas: Yes. The sex is definitely longer and more thrilling. There are no defined roles, no head-neck thing here, just two women loving each other. Although, she tends to take the lead during sex, showing me what she wants me to do and I just follow through. She’s actually my first. 

    Awww, so cute. Asides homophobes and the Nigerian government, what has been the biggest threat to your relationship? 

    Dorcas: Like most relationships, we have misunderstandings. For me, it’s that Lara doesn’t like to step out of her comfort zone. I find myself making most of the moves to see her and I want her to do more. Another thing is having to hide.

    My love language is spending quality time, and I hate the fact that I can’t love her openly and freely. The other day, she came to see me and everyone kept calling her my friend. I introduced her as my baby and they said they know, but I don’t think they do. 

    Lara: It’s the distance for me — we hardly get to see each other. We once had this fight about this online couple contest. We were supposed to send our pictures in for the contest.

    I agreed at first but after asking a few questions, I wasn’t comfortable with it anymore. It caused a disagreement because Dorcas had already sent in the pictures and wasn’t sure how to tell them we weren’t participating anymore. Plus, Dorcas can get really mean, haha. 

    One thing you both have in common is coming from a religious family. How do you reconcile your faith with your sexuality?

    Dorcas: At first, I used to be very churchy. My relationship with God involved a lot of praying for answers about who I am, but I soon realised that God doesn’t make mistakes. I am a masterpiece.

    I know that God loves me and that’s enough for me. For people who like to threaten gay people with bible quotes, I’ll say this: there was a time when the bible was used to endorse slavery. Now, times have changed and a lot of things have to be revised. 

    Lara: It’s really difficult, but I still have to hold on to God. My parents are super religious and they carry all of us along so I’d say my faith is pretty strong. Although, I have found myself wondering what would happen if I wasn’t a lesbian. I didn’t choose to be like this. I like this life. I like loving my woman. 

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

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  • When I asked Nigerian women on Twitter to inbox me with stories of the exact moment they knew they had to leave a relationship, I didn’t expect some of the replies I got. Here are 30 stories of the exact moment these women knew they had to leave their relationship.

    1. Denisia

    We were lying down together and I was talking about how I miss my mum. I noticed he was quiet, so I asked what was wrong. Baba said he felt like strangling me but listening to me talk about my mom softened him up. WTF?

    2. Zee

    When I found myself sharing my relationship problems with a Facebook group so they could help me. I had a “Dear Joro” moment and just knew I had to japa.

    3. Lola

    We had a fight, and he demanded for the money he had loaned me when it wasn’t yet the agreed time to pay up. He later confessed that he did it to spite me. Imagine getting married to someone like that.

    4. Ore

    I confronted him about some messages I found on his phone. He was talking marriage with a colleague and it sounded serious. The way he denied the whole thing and just summed it up as “office wife” bants made me realise that the relationship wasn’t worth my peace of mind.

    5. Ada

    I was 20 years old and he was 11 years older than me. He got about £500 from me for his “business” and refused to pay back. He blackmailed and insulted me on top my own money. Almost got kicked out of the hostel cause that was my rent.

    6. Ana

    I wanted an iPad and he was like, “You already have a computer and a phone, why would you want an iPad? Don’t you know Apple is an exploitative company?” He had 2 Macbooks. The last straw was when I wanted to go to TFC for lunch and he insisted he knew better. I mentally checked out.

    He was a very nice guy, but on our last date, just before he was to travel for a long trip, I realised that I didn’t love him and he deserved better. I broke up with him a month after.

    8. Sarah

    We had been on and off, but I would always find my way back to him because I thought he was the one. Then my father died and I called to inform him. He asked me who was on the phone. Omo.

    9. Temitope

    So we’d been dating for a while and things were going on fine, till we went for one of his friend’s parties together. He was holding my hand, but the moment he saw his friends, he dropped my hand. They didn’t approve of a plus-size girl and he was ashamed to be seen with me. Broke up with him that night.

    10. Dami

    He said to me, “It’s not everything I say that you must respond to.” I said, “Then don’t fucking talk to me” and cut off the phone. That was one of the last conversations we ever had.

    11. Bola

    He could justify fornication and alcohol consumption, but he drew the line at me smoking weed once in 3 months. He also, in an argument about contraceptives, equated a vasectomy to a hysterectomy. When everyone knows that women have several contraceptive options while men are limited to condoms and vasectomy. Bonus: he is also pro-life. Bottom line: He was an “audio progressive man”.

    12. Uwana

    I had my appendix taken out and he didn’t show up. Mind you, a month after this operation would have been our introduction. Nobody from his family called me.

    13. Mercy

    I knew I had to leave the relationship when he was always invalidating my dreams, making them look small and talking down on my spirituality. I take that part of me seriously, and I would have loved him to respect that side of me. As soon as I left the relationship, I got a really good job. I guess his subtle negativity was holding me back.

    14. Rukayah

    I knew I had to leave a relationship when six months in, my ex told me he was not capable of loving me because he had suffered a heartbreak when his girlfriend of 7 years left him.

    15. Niyola

    The very first day I went to his house, I got drenched by rain on my way, so all I wanted was warm clothes and food. I was open to having sex with him, but I wanted to at least get warm and eat first. He wanted sex immediately.

    While I was trying to explain, he slapped me multiple times and raped me. I almost lost sight in an eye because of the experience. I didn’t report because the first time I tried to report a rape case, they told me I didn’t look like someone they could rape.

    16. Susan

    He kept cheating. One day, he swore on his mother’s life that he didn’t sleep with a girl. Turns out he slept with her that same night. If he could lie with his mother life, I knew had to flee.

    17. Aisha

    When he hit me a second time in our 4th year of marriage, dragged me on the floor and out of his house. He always called it his house. I regretted not leaving the first time he hit me. I knew I did not want any more regrets.

    18. Amaka

    I wore something that didn’t even expose any part of my flesh but because it was bum short, people were talking and he followed them to embarrass me in public. Something in me shifted that day. I sha cheated on him ( I don’t regret it). I told him I cheated, he forgave me, I cheated some more then I broke up with him.

    19. Lizzy

    He was my first boyfriend. I told him I didn’t like when he grabbed my butt in public and he started sulking and saying I was his babe and he can grab my ass at any point. The moment I checked out was when he mocked me for typing in full with comma, paragraphs and all of that. He said he doesn’t like it. What in the illiterate-waste-of-space was I dating? Omo, I left oh.

    20. Gloria

    He was the sweetest person ever. The whole relationship was great but the moment we had sex. It felt like I was having sex with my brother. It was just extremely weird for me. I didn’t know how to tell him. I eventually did after two years. I lied I was poly and left.

    21. Ella

    After helping him apply for several jobs, he told me he got a job in the UK and was leaving for training the following week. I was so happy for him. Before he left my place, he said he had a confession.

    Oga then tells me that he didn’t have any job, that he was just testing me to see if I had his best interest at heart. What in the Telemundo is going on and how do I unsubscribe? Took me months, but I finally left our 8-year relationship.

    22. Fortune

    He kept comparing me to his ex. Any small thing “Oby used to…” I had to leave. He should go and be with Oby.

    23. Hadiza

    He had a Jamaican stripper fetish. He was always asking for nudes. I kept sending them because he would guilt trip me. He continued till I just rolled my mat and ended my prayers. He ended up breaking up with me because according to him, “I didn’t understand him” but no, the reason was I wasn’t consistent with the teasing.

    24. Chi

    We went out for a drink and for some reason I couldn’t stand the sight of him, the sound of his voice, nothing, until I had a drink and was a little buzzed. Got home and asked myself why I needed to be tipsy to tolerate him. That was when I knew.

    25. Ene

    His wife DM’ed me under the guise of providing a service & a whole drama ensued which led to me being subbed every 3 months on Twitter.

    26. Oyin

    He would insult me at any giving opportunity or the slightest mistake. One night, he punched my face so hard and strangled me till I almost died. Woke up alive and just then I knew I had to leave this man (father of my two kids) if I still want to live.

    27. Abigail

    I would sometimes post bikini pictures or turn around in videos and he told me I was a slut. He told me that all I could offer anyone was my body and because of the kind of pictures I post, he thinks I lied about getting assaulted. This man also gave me six rules of things I must do and not do, saying that we are tied for life. We dated for two years.

    28. Joy

    The exact moment I knew I had to leave was when I went to see him and he demanded I block every guy who has ever moved to me, started reading my chats and when he saw that I didn’t block them, he stopped talking to me.

    29. Queen

    There were many times I should’ve left. I never should’ve been with him, in fact. He was immature, superficial and stuck in a toxic cycle with his ex. He clearly had no real idea who tf I was. Then he got more attached, more dependent, more entitled.

    The final trigger came when he mentioned marriage and had the nerve to suggest “you aren’t getting any younger” Me? Pressured? Into marriage? To you? On the basis of age? We were together three years, the first two in which he couldn’t have been clearer about not wanting to be with me yet he gaslighted me into staying because it was the economically smart thing for him to do while remaining conveniently irresponsible.

    When I broke up with him, he left me a message saying I “had a (commitment) problem and probably just can’t be with anyone longer than a year”

    30. Peace

    I found out he had impregnated his ex and had her move in with him — we lived in different cities. He was the one always visiting me in the city where I lived and worked but this one time, I flew to his city one afternoon after talking as though I was home.

    I paid him a surprise visit and his jaw literally dropped to the floor when he saw me. She told me that they’d been trying for a kid for the past three years and after three miscarriages, this one would not keep them apart. I looked at him and his face was bent low in shame and that’s when I knew it was all over. This man had gone to see my family for my hand in marriage.

    QUIZ: What Kind Of Partner Do You Actually Need? 

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  • Suffering a miscarriage can be devasting for a woman. For this week’s What She Said, I spoke to two women who suffered miscarriages. They talk about the experience; how it made them feel and how it affected their relationships with their partners. 

    Mfon, 32

    It was my second pregnancy. I was about five months gone. The doctors said I had an iron deficiency, and bed rest was recommended. Problem was, I was super stressed out by some events going on in my marriage. My husband and I were constantly fighting about one thing or the other. Mostly about his infidelity, but that’s another story.  I was also the only one at home, so I couldn’t afford to rest.

    That particular day, I was in the kitchen cooking when my knees started to hurt. I couldn’t take a break because I had to cook because my in-laws were visiting later. I felt so much pain. I thought it was a cramp. I did my breathing exercise and tried to wait it out. Then I noticed that my dark leggings was getting soaked with my blood. 

    My husband was unavailable. I had to drive myself for over an hour to the hospital. My car seat was soaked in blood. I went to the hospital, and they told me that I had a miscarriage. I was in so much shock that when I got home, I went into the kitchen with my bloody leggings and finished cooking. 

    My in-laws came that day, and I served them food like nothing happened. I felt hollow, empty. For the longest time, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I felt I had failed my baby. My marriage suffered because of the miscarriage because everyone seemed to move on quickly, and I was stuck dreaming about a baby I never had. 

    Ella, 23

    I got pregnant for the first time when I was 22. I found out I was pregnant two months after conception. I quickly went to get my copper IUD removed. Everything was fine until the day I had an argument with my partner. I went to lie down afterwards, and when I woke up, I was covered in blood. In that moment, I didn’t know what to do but I knew what had happened. The moment I saw the blood, I knew I had lost my baby. 

    I crawled to the bathroom and texted my partner to come home immediately. I genuinely felt like I was dying. There was blood everywhere, my bed, the bathroom, the toilet seat because I sat on it. 

    I didn’t want to call my mum who was not in the country at the time nor did I want to call my partner’s mother. Calling her would make it feel real, and I just wanted to be sure. I couldn’t get myself to go to a hospital for two weeks. The guilt and need to blame someone or something made me attempt suicide. 

    When I finally decided to go to the hospital, I took a test that confirmed I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Apparently, taking my IUD out after two months of pregnancy played a role in the miscarriage. I had the option of getting my cervix dilated or getting on medication because all the blood tissue did not get out. I opted for prescription drugs. I didn’t want anything getting between my legs. After that, I had a pelvic ultrasound and an X-ray of my uterus.

    I wasn’t myself for about six months. I was in physical pain for a week; the rest was emotional. I didn’t find out the sex of the child, so I had splurged on all types of baby things. Imagine having to throw everything away. 

    I resented my partner for the longest time. If we didn’t have that argument maybe it wouldn’t have happened. We were supposed to get married this year and now, this whole thing is making me rethink that decision. 

    Opening up today about this has made me see the need for a therapist. 

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  • Someone tried to make a list of foreplay options you could try with men.  *Laughs in Nigerian men* Here are valid reasons why you should never try these options with a Nigerian man. 

    1. Neck kisses

    Do you enjoy the taste of car batteries? Yes? Then go for it.

    2. Body kisses

    Nigerian men that have the accumulated sweat of our heroes past. Dear, save yourself.

    3. Ice cubes

    Why? So their balls can shrink and look like a Sphynx cat?

    4. Ear kisses and tonguing

    you will try this and end up with thick ear wax at the tip of your tongue or the after taste of agbo at the back of your throat. 

    5. Ass eating

    Do I even need to say anything? These men do not even wash their balls because they think iT’s gAy. Do you know how filthy their ass is?

    6. Ass play

    Try to touch a Nigerian man’s ass and watch his butt clench with the force of Thor. Nigerian men protect their ass like it’s the holy grail. Ordinary pegging article we wrote, they almost rioted.

    7. Blow jobs

    Dear Nigerian men, when our eyes water from giving you a blow job, it usually because of the stench of your balls. The tears are a cry for help.

    8. Nuru Massage

    Why do you want an erotic massage? So you can cum 5 minutes in and blame it on how hot we are. Thinking a Nigerian man can last a Nuru massage is a stretch.

    9. Toe sucking

    My dear, do you enjoy the taste of Mushin and danfo buses? With their Israelite feet that trek everywhere. 

    10. Dirty talk

    Thing with this is you don’t know which one they will take as an insult. 

    11. Choke

    Watch a Nigerian man brush his teeth and see how he handles his toothbrush choking him and then make your decision from the results. But do you really want to find out? 

    12. Spit

    Ahhh. You’ll kiss a Nigerian man and exchange all the saliva in the world but make it a deliberate act and try to spit in their mouth and see how your relationship ends.

    The Lord did not die that affiliation might arise again. Save yourself and your freaky nature. Don’t waste it on Nigerian men. 

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  • Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer in women after lung cancer. It not only affects the patient but their families as well. I spoke to some women who know people who have survived breast cancer and some who have lost people to breast cancer and this is their story. 

    Zara

    When I was two years old, my aunt found a benign lump in her breast. The doctors advised her to take things easy so she stopped driving. About 7-8 years later, she was diagnosed with cancer. She only told me after she got a mastectomy All my years of watching Medical TV shows did not prepare me for how real the whole thing felt. With chemotherapy and treatment, my aunt got better.

    Lola

    My aunt, a retired nurse, found a lump in her breast and didn’t tell anyone. Someone took her to a traditional home where she was told it was a spiritual attack. When things got out of hand, she reached out to my mother, who took her for a mammogram. She moved in with us so mum could take care of her. I remember her losing all her hair and a lot of weight. Her skin, palms, and sole became very dark. She was in so much pain. My mother had to give her an injection from time to time to keep her blood count up. Unfortunately, she died 10 days after her surgery due to negligence. Her dressing wasn’t done properly and there were maggots too.

    Nike

    My mom wasn’t literate and none of us lived with her, so when she had breast cancer, she didn’t tell anyone. According to her, she felt pain in her breast, she went to a general hospital and they referred her to a teaching hospital. The staff wanted her to come with her kids, at this point, she ran away and didn’t tell us. She endured the pain until 2004 when it became unbearable. When she told us, we took her to a doctor, by then, it was a stage 4 metastatic cancer. She went through chemo hoping they would do surgery but they were just managing her pain. In November, the doctors finally told her no surgery was being planned. From there, she seemed to shut down her own system and moved to an end-stage. She died in the second week of December 2004. Her body ravaged by cancer.

    Annie

    Two women in my family have had it. My aunt who managed it for 15 years, she’s passed on now and my grandmother who’s currently battling it. My grandmother found a lump while having a shower in 2008. Hers started out as axillary lymphadenopathy – which essentially is enlarged lymph nodes on the armpit. We’re literally in the car on the way to her 8th chemo cycle. I’ve been at this for such a long time, that her oncologist asked me to come and intern with him.

    Wunmi

    December 2019, my mom found a lump in her breast. She was diagnosed with cancer in April 2020. She was puzzled because 10 years ago, she had a mastectomy and thought it was gone for good. After having a back and forth with the LUTH oncology department about her files, she was able to get a consultation session with a private oncologist who charged three times as much. They put her on chemotherapy and she is expected to do four cycles before she is eligible for surgery. Before and during chemotherapy, she had terrible skin reactions but now, she is doing better and living more intentionally.

    Gift

    My aunt who is an unemployed single mother of one was diagnosed with cancer. She has been very secretive and gets defensive when asked about it. After convincing her to see a doctor, she refused to tell anyone about her diagnosis, taking agbo – local medicine – instead and saying this is how God probably wants her to die. I had to speak to the doctor who advised she removes the whole breast to avoid the cancer spreading. She has refused to do this. Recently, she said she found a hospital willing to do 6 months of Chemo for 180k but I don’t believe her.

    Shola

    March 2019, a few months before my mother turned 52, she found a lump in her breast while dressing up for work. My mum went to the hospital where she was examined and scheduled for a lumpectomy. The results showed a malignant tumour in her breast which was spreading fast. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and was told she needed an urgent mastectomy so she could begin chemotherapy.

    Thing is, after her mastectomy, another examination was conducted on the breast removed and there were no traces of a malignant tumour. We had several tests done and the results were the same. By now, my mum has already done two rounds of chemo. The doctors advised she continue treatment so they don’t any chances. By August 2019, my mom had undergone 6 rounds of chemo. But this year August, she has been declared cancer-free.

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  • If you have no idea who a Coomer is, I am glad you have managed to stay mentally pure in this dark meme era and I advise you save yourself and stop reading this. Wait, you’re still reading? Okay. Let’s do this. From my extensive knowledge of coomers (don’t ask how), I have curated 6 sure ways you can use to spot a coomer.

    Disclaimer: Zikoko is not responsible for any brain damage or eyesores you might experience while reading this.

    1. A large left arm

    All that wanking leaves a coomer with one arm physically fit and larger than the other. Some people might mistake that arm to be on the right hand but true coomers know that only posers have large right arms. wanking with your left arm is a whole world of experience only coomers have unlocked.

    2. They smell like raw yam

    One of the signs of a coomer is the strong smell of ejaculation juice they always seem to ooze. It doesn’t help that most of them don’t believe in proper cleanup and just let the stench of their liquid babies fill up whatever space they occupy.

    3. They have terabytes of porn

    Streaming porn isn’t enough for coomers, they have to physically download porn on all their devices so that even if the government shuts down the internet, they have back up. Don’t get me started on their browser history. I am so certain someone just popped to mind right now. If no one does, check yourself, you’re a coomer.

    4. They know pornstars by name

    We all know that one guy that has an extensive pornstar knowledge. He can give you a breakdown of how their careers started and what they are best at doing in the porn industry. He also gets offended when you watch a porno without being able to identify the pornstars by name. Yes, that’s a coomer.

    5. They oversexualise everything

    If you know someone who cannot help but turn EVERYTHING on the lord’s green earth into a sexual pun. When you speak to them, their face slowly morphs into the moon emoji. They are always horny on an astronomical level. Yes, you’ve found yourself a coomer.

    6. Baggy eyes to accent the fact that they up all night wanking

    Most coomers cannot sleep without busting a nut. They are up at night tweeting about having insomnia when actually, their coomer flesh desires to ejaculate. They are always tired and it shows. However, don’t mistake a middle-age man with bills and a pending divorce as a coomer. Most coomers show multiple signs of coomerness in addition to this one.

    No coomer was harmed in the making of this post.

    If you love Zikoko and the content they put out, kindly donate to keep the work going. People who don’t donate to Zikoko are honorary coomers.

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