Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex
Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ijeoma: So, recently, my boyfriend has been attending lots of weddings and we haven’t been able to see each other as often as we used to, even though we live in the same state.
Wait. You have a boyfriend?
Peter: LMAO. That’s what I said.
Ijeoma: Peter, please.
What is going on here?
Ijeoma: See, we will gist you everything as it happened and, yes, I have a boyfriend. We were going through a “thing” when I met Peter.
Peter: LMAO. A thing indeed.
Ijeoma: So, the first time I met Peter was at an event I attended with a mutual friend of ours. He caught my eye immediately, but I thought to myself, “Omo! Man na man. I have one and I’m not looking for anything,” but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about him a lot.
Peter: Who would have thought? To be fair, I was also thinking about you. I saw her walk in, with her cute nose and that ass. I did a double take when she turned to speak to someone.
Ijeoma: I know, I caught you stealing glances and Sarah* told me you had asked about me.
So, what happened from there?
Ijeoma: It was good vibes from the jump, and I loved his energy. Once we went past that stranger-danger phase, it was just pure magic.
Peter: Yes. She is funny and super easy to talk to, so we just kept at it for the rest of the event. When it was time to leave, we got each other’s IG handles and said our goodbyes.
Why IG handles, not phone numbers?
Ijeoma: It was easier.
Peter: Is it weird to say that phone numbers felt like too much at the time? I mean, we vibed at the event and all, but we didn’t really know each other well enough to take it that far. Social media handles felt like a safer option. If things die there, it’s easier to forget and move on than if they have your number. You get?
Uhm no, but okay.
Ijeoma: LMAO. From there, oga started DMing me on IG and it was fun. A week later, I had another event to go to, so I casually asked him if he wanted to come with me. But a couple of hours to the thing, I realised that I didn’t want to see him…
Peter: Please, tell me, what do women want?
Ijeoma: I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to have to stare at your face throughout the event. How hard is that to understand? His face is distracting.
Peter: Anyway, we ended up agreeing that I would pick her up from the event.
Ijeoma: This is where things got interesting. I had about three bottles of wine in me and my body was humming with excitement. I just knew I wanted to fuck him. When I knew he was outside waiting for me, I literally skipped like a schoolgirl out of that building, grinning ear to ear. See ehn, wine-induced horniness is dangerous.
We went back to his place and talked. The room had started to sway, but I kept looking straight at him, imagining things. He was so accommodating. He had my feet in his hands and was rubbing them while we talked. I then asked if I could kiss him and from there, we ended up having sex.
Peter: LMAO. It was amazing, and she’s so cute when she’s asleep.
WOW. So, drunk sex started this relationship?
Ijeoma: Yup, and it only got better. We kept meeting up and having beautiful moments together. We had sex a couple more times. I told my closest friends that I had found love outside my relationship. It all felt very magical and right.
Peter: I always look forward to hanging out with Ijeoma. Cooking for her is so fun because she’s not a picky eater — she enjoys unusual meals. Watching movies with her easily became the highlight of my week. Maybe it was the newness of it all.
Ijeoma: I guess, but then…. I found out about his girlfriend. That helped put things into perspective.
Oluwa, take control. What?
Ijeoma: Turns out his girlfriend and I run in the same circles, so we met some random day. She was going through her phone to show me something, and I saw his photo. I was like, “Oh! You know this guy?” and she was like, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.”
Did you feel betrayed?
Ijeoma: Initially, I was offended, but then I was like, “I’m doing the same thing.” Two days after the encounter, he came to pick me up and we went to his place. At some point in the evening, I told him I liked him.
Peter: Not gonna lie, I freaked out a bit.
Ijeoma: That was when I told him that I didn’t want to waste my time. I remember saying, “I met your babe, and I’m not upset because I have a boyfriend too.” Peter just looked at me like WOW.
Peter: Women will disgrace you oh. I wasn’t even upset she had a man. I was more relieved because she was on the exact same page as me. If I was anything less than accepting of the confession, that would make me a hypocrite.
I have been muttering “WTF” since this interview started.
Ijeoma: I know. It’s pretty messed up. However, the whole “confession” thing really helped us define what we have.
Peter: Yes, we decided to be together but keep things under wraps.
Ijeoma: We now have a schedule for sex. There is an understanding of how things are. I try to avoid seeing his girlfriend and I keep my boyfriend happy enough not to suspect anything.
Do you feel guilty about doing this?
Ijeoma: Honestly, no.
Peter: Nope.
Ijeoma: LMAO. I don’t feel guilty because, with Peter, it’s just raw lust, there’s an animosity to the sex that I don’t get with my man. The orgasms are primal and they just rip through me.
I also believe that sex is sex and love is love. When I found out about Peter’s girlfriend, it was easy for me to put my feelings aside. I love my partner and I enjoy having sex with Peter. These things are not mutually exclusive.
Peter: I agree. The fact that we both easily accept having other partners yet maintaining what we have is evidence that we can separate lust from love. I love my girlfriend and all but this, for me, is just physical.
Aren’t you afraid of getting caught?
Peter: We are both cautious, so the likelihood of that happening is very low.
Ijeoma: Exactly. We are very careful. Also, there is no PDA, no pet names and emojis, nothing mushy. We don’t talk like anything is going on, just banter and good vibes. Appointments are made via calls and DMs. It’s pretty chill.
OMO. You guys have this thing on lock oh. Is this your first time cheating on your partner?
Peter: Not really. I had something else before, but it was during a break I had with my girlfriend.
Ijeoma: Properly, yes?
Wait, there is an improper way to… cheat?
Ijeoma: LMAO. Not really. I have done one or two things with other men, but Peter is the first guy I’m being intentional with.
Okay. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10.
Peter: 6/10. What we have is pretty sweet. We are such good friends with very similar interests and it makes the whole thing fun.
Ijeoma: Aww, simp. It’s a 5 for me. I mean, I like him and all, but I’m in love with someone else. We could stop having sex today and still be really good friends.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
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It’s another new year to set unrealistic goals for ourselves. Take this quiz to find out how long your new year’s resolution will last.
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New year’s eve is the one day in the year that carries the hopes of millions of people around the globe. It is the day we round up and settle all affairs of the previous year while looking forward to a new year. Today, I asked Nigerian women about how they spent their new year’s eve.
1. Sarah, Day dreaming of penis
I spent new year’s eve at my mother’s house thinking of all the penis I wasn’t getting and how annoying it is that I wasn’t going to be kissed into the new year. Also, I’m not at my spiritual best right now so, I wasn’t too pumped about joining the crossover service but I did anyway. It’s so annoying that I was sober hence giving my mind room to panic and worry about the new year.
2. Grace, Playing video games with my man
My boyfriend and I spent the first part of the day opening the rest of our Christmas presents over wine and cookies. Then, watched “Death to 2020” on Netflix and planned a stroll around 11:55 pm to watch the fireworks. We ended up playing some new video game by 11:00 pm, this went on for over an hour. We took a break 12:00 am to shout “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and went back to gaming till 2:00 am.
3. Lara, A blunt, phone sex and Jesus
My crossover into 2021 has been one of the most unusual ones I’ve had yet. At around 10ish, I snuck to the back of our house to smoke the fattest joint with my brother. High as a kite I called my favourite lover and had him talk me through the most delicious orgasm. I wanted him to be my last nut of the year and he was. Post orgasmic and high asf, I gather with my mum and siblings to pray into the new year. I loved it. I was so happy and grateful for my lover and my family.
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This new year’s eve has to be one of my best ones ever. Since my lover had to travel, I set out to get alcohol and food so I can Netflix and chill into the new year. I had some weed at home so I was set. However, he got stuck in some gangster level traffic. He left home at 1:30 pm and at 8:00 pm, he still hadn’t gotten to the interchange and there was still heavy traffic ahead. Oga just turned back and came home (yay me!).
I was already buzzed from the drinking and weed. At 11:45, we were both tipsy, so I just randomly started yapping about how he made my 2020 better and my hopes for the new year and how much I loved him. He did the same and we just had that intimate moment into the new year and kissed. It was perfect. In those few hours, we had no care in the world. We were happy as can be and I’ll like to maintain that happiness throughout the year.
5. Nneka, Twitter drama and music
I knew I didn’t want to spend new year’s eve in church, not really into the prophetic declaration and shouting into the year. I’m Catholic and it’s subtle, but I still wasn’t interested. I thought I would sleep through it but that didn’t work. I stayed on Twitter till when I saw Dangobabe’s gist (Loved it). At a few minutes to 12:00 am, I listened to cultural praise by Kcee while doing my night routine and rounded up with the sign of the cross at 12:00 am because I still need Jesus.
6. Temi, Intense penising to fireworks
My partner and I had a silly argument on new year’s eve. We even broke up just a few hours to new year’s day. Somehow, we managed to reconcile our differences. We went to the balcony to watch the fireworks as we did a countdown into the new year. That’s how oga’s penis entered me as we entered the new year. Have you ever had sex to the sound of fireworks? It’s like making love in a warzone. I started the new year with an orgasm and it’s safe to say that makeup sex >>>>>.
7. Oluchi, I slept into the new year
All my life, I have had to spend new year’s eve in church with my family, praying for a better year. I recently got my own apartment so I’m made my own rules. New year’s eve, I drank, smoked, listened to music and slept off watching Family Guy. I woke up to missed calls and messages from family members wishing me a happy new year.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Even though the series has only existed for a few months, writing Love Life has been one of the highlights of my year. From talking to couples to telling their stories, it has been nothing short of exciting.
Every Love Life story has managed to spark conversations online and that, for me, is a win. As the year ends today, I’d like to share 5 of the most-read (and listened to) Love Life stories to date.
Derin, 21, and Oke, 21, had been together for a little over a year before Oke’s tragic death cut their love story short. For this Love Life, Derin talks about how they went from best friends to lovers, and all the plans they had for their future together.
*Kola, 28, and *Cynthia, 27, have been dating for almost six years now. For this Love Life, they talk about finding each other on Twitter, navigating an already-existing relationship, and why they are still yet to have their first major fight.
*Ginika, 25, and *Jude, 28, have known each other since 2017 and been in a relationship since 2018. For this Love Life, they talk about handling infidelity in their relationship and reaching a compromise in their disagreements.
*Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For this Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones.
*Jemimah, 26, and *Nelson, 26, have known each other since 2017, but they only started dating in 2019. For this Love Life, they talk about loving each other while being platonic friends and how scared they were of becoming a couple.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife
*Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.
Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.
Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though.
Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.
Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating.
So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife?
Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.
Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together.
Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us.
Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in.
Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them.
The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?
Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him.
Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other.
Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed.
Do men listen?
Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do.
Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.
Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.
Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?
Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.
Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh.
Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy.
Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.
Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time.
Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.”
Were you scared that you were a rebound?
Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.
Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me.
Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.
Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.
All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship.
So, for how long did you guys date before getting married?
Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what?
Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now.
Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.
Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy.
Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?
Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her.
Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.
Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did?
Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first.
Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary.
Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance?
Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.
OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?
Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.
Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling.
Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.
Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019.
Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.
Yinka: Really? Must be nice.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her.
Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled.
Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings.
So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?
Yinka: Nope.
Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her.
Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?
Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.
Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.
Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?
Yinka: I can be the FBI.
Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything.
Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.
It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.
I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.
LMAO. This is so messy.
Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.
I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person.
Oh no, she didn’t!
Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online.
Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama.
Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.
What did she say in response?
Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.
Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?
Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.
Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.
While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?
Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer.
Ahhh.
Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way.
When was this?
Yinka: In April 2020,after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.
Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there.
How did this affect the wedding plans?
Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that.
OMO.
Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another.
Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship.
Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together.
Is it because of the conditions you laid out?
Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.
Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.
About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry.
Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.
Oh wow. Tell me about being married.
Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.
Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it.
Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October.
What does a typical day in this relationship look like?
Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.
Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.
Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?
Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out.
Oh wow. A celibate relationship.
Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench.
Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life.
Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.
There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.
Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us
*Ginika, 25, and *Jude, 28, have known each other since 2017 and been in a relationship since 2018. For today’s Love Life, they talk about handling infidelity in their relationship and reaching a compromise in their disagreements.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Ginika: We met for the first time in October 2017 at a weekly church service in school. He came to church without a Bible, took mine and said, “I forgot my Bible, so I’m going to use yours.” All I could think about was this man has audacity oh.
Jude: I was just looking for trouble. Prior to that day, I had never met her before. I practically colonised her Bible.
Ginika: For some reason, I didn’t get angry or anything and I don’t know why. There was just something about him.
It seems like you were smitten. How did things progress?
Ginika: This was his first time meeting me and he had so much guts. It definitely caught my attention.
Jude: Funny enough, in the next service, we found ourselves sitting together again and this time, I took her phone.
What in the thievery is going on here, Jude?
It wasn’t oh. I asked and she gave me. There was consent. That particular day, we came earlier for the service, and she wanted to step out. So I collected her phone and asked her to unlock it. She did it, and I had the phone with me that entire evening.
Ginika, did his request freak you out?
No. I was really cool about the whole thing. I gave a complete stranger my phone and I wasn’t even bothered about it.
Damn. So, how did you guys become a couple?
Ginika: This is my favourite part of our story. The church was about to elect new executives. Jude got nominated, I didn’t, so I decided to travel back to Lagos for Christmas. This was in 2017. I found out he was made the music director. I love men who can sing so I quickly hit him up on Facebook to congratulate him. We started talking on the phone and chatting almost every day.
By now, would you say you had a crush on him?
Ginika: Sort of, yes. Although, I had joined a dating site because I didn’t think we would end up together.
Jude: Oh, I remember this. After I got elected and she congratulated me, we became friends. One day while chatting, she asked me to follow one page like that on Instagram. I did, but when I asked her what the page was for, she refused to tell me.
It was much later she told me it was a dating site. So, I jokingly asked if she would date me if I asked. She said she would and somehow, our conversations became deeper and more meaningful. We decided to give dating a chance when we resumed school.
Aww, this is so cute.
Jude: Yes, but we quarrelled a lot back then. We were so different from each other.
Ginika: Omo. Even just as friends, we had so many fights.
Tell me one.
Ginika: Lol. You really don’t want to know.
Please, dear, I really do.
Ginika: Okay. One time, I called him and he didn’t pick up.
Jude: When she called later and I picked, she changed it for me oh.
Ginika: Yes oh. I started shouting and we weren’t even dating officially then.
Ginika, Why this?
Ginika: I don’t even know. I was just very angry at him.
So, most of your major fights happened in 2017, before you officially started dating?
Jude: We agreed to date in school during the Christmas holidays. When she resumed in January, we spent a lot of time together and I asked her out on the 22nd of January, 2018.
Ginika: He came to my house and asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop the fighting.
Tell me about your first notable relationship fight.
Ginika: Let Jude use his mouth and tell you what happened.
Jude: LMAO. There was this other girl I got close to. As music director in the school chapel, there were lots of girls who wanted to get close to me. However, one got really close to the point that things got out of hand. I personally found it difficult to control the situation. Ginika and I had a fight over it, but I am happy we got over it.
Oh? This tea is too vague. I need details.
Jude: LMAO.
Ginika: I will take over from here. So, there was this girl that came to church and next thing, it was as if I was sharing my man. I know Jude tried hard to control things but for some reason, she got closer to him. I did something I didn’t think I could ever do. I went to her house to meet her and guess what she said to me.
OMG. What did she say?
Ginika: She said, “Maybe there’s something I am doing that you’re not.” My eyes became red from all the tears I cried.
Did you tell Jude?
Ginika: I did, and he took her side. I left his house angrily after he said she had a hold over him. He didn’t see anything wrong in what was happening.
HE SAID THAT?
Ginika: No, but he said some mean things sha. He didn’t have any argument, but I remember him saying something about her being the side chick. Jesus, my heart broke that day.
Wait, what?
Ginika: Yes. I remember one time she called at night and heard my voice. Jude told her I was his neighbour.
Hold up. So, while you guys were in a relationship, he had a side thing?
Ginika: Sort of.
Jude, please, say something. Anything.
Jude: I think I gave her so much of me.
Ginika: Yes. A whole lot of you if we are being honest. The weird thing is, the babe has the same surname as myself and her birthday is a day before mine.
Jude: It was so bad. At some point, she started blackmailing me and I knew I had to do something about it.
Giniki: It was because she started blackmailing him that I found out a lot of things.
Jude: The girl was aware that as a music director, I had so much to lose.
How did she blackmail you?
Jude: She wanted me to choose. It was either her or nothing. She even threatened me with our chats. That she had all of it saved.
Ginika: She had intentions to report him to the church.
Jude: She kept hammering on exposing our chats. Although she said she was just joking and wanted to see my reaction, I didn’t want to take any chances so I got her phone and erased our chats and texts.
Ginika: I helped him.
You did what now?
Jude: Yes. Ginika was instrumental in all this. She got my assistant involved and that one’s head is hot. My assistant and Ginika confronted the girl and warned her to stay clear of me.
Ginika: I tried getting her phone just to make sure there was no evidence. I didn’t want any scandal attached to him because of how much I loved him.
Wow. How did you guys get through that?
Jude: I apologised and promised that nothing like that would never happen again.
Ginika: It was a rough period for both of us. I didn’t even believe we would make it through but yes, I forgave him. I can’t explain how we moved past it but I know I prayed for a lot of healing.
Jude: It wasn’t easy looking at her every day and knowing that I had hurt her. She made it easy for me because where do I begin to atone for what I did to her?
So, what has the progression of your love life been since then?
Jude: We really showed progress after school. To an extent, when we were in school, I didn’t see a future with her, I thought it was just a school thing.
Ginika: Same. After school, things became easier. We were more committed to each other and I changed cities for him. I moved from Lagos to Port Harcourt for us be closer. I don’t believe in long-distance relationships.
Do you guys live together?
Ginika: No, we don’t. It’s just easier to be in the same state with him.
How often do you guys see each other?
Jude: Virtually every weekend.
Ginika: Yes. We attend the same church.
Are your families aware of this relationship?
Ginika: Very aware. I met his family first and then he met my dad in December 2019 when he came to my hometown. Things went pretty well considering that they initially didn’t think we were serious about each other.
Why not?
Jude: I think they wanted to know how committed we were to the relationship. We had just finished school then so they thought it was a school affair.
Ginika: I think they didn’t know me too well.
So, y’all getting engaged soon?
Jude: Yeah, but I don’t want to say too much on this so I don’t reveal my plans to her.
Ginika: LMAO.
Is there something that is still a problem in this relationship?
Ginika: I worry a lot and I’m impatient. Jude might have other answers.
Jude: I am very strict when it comes to spending and she’s not, but she has gotten better. I find also that our priorities have changed. We argue over them sometimes, but we always try to reach an agreement.
Ginika: Like my love for short dresses.
Jude: I don’t like dresses that are too short.
So, what’s the compromise?
Ginika: I can wear short dresses but not too short.
Okay, guys. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10
Ginika: I’d rate it a 9. It’s been great. We have our little fights here and there, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. In my next life I would still pick him. I look forward to forever with him.
Jude: I’d rate it a 9. Our relationship has been amazing and I have never felt this way about anyone before. I want to spend every day with her and I look forward to a future with her in it.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
[donation]
We are gathered here because some human said black people will be able to activate superpowers on the 21st of December. The jokes online are just hilarious and outrageous. So, we’ve decided to compile a list of superpowers black women will finally have from December 21st.
1. Stop all periods
No more periods with cramps and mood swings from hell. With superpowers comes the need to end unnecessary suffering. Black women will finally be able to stop their periods without getting pregnant or having weird side effects.
2. Activate natural birth control
With superpowers, black women will finally be able to activate a birth control means that have no side effects whatsoever. So, the days of bloating, headaches, hormonal imbalance, partial blindness, all because we’re trying to avoid pregnancy, will end.
3. Take long evening walks… ALONE
If you ever take a stroll at night and see an unescorted black woman, chances are she is a witch or a mythical creature because most black women can’t take walks, runs, jogs, strolls without fearing for their lives. Having superpowers would give women the confidence they need to do simple things like this without fearing for their safety.
4. Eradicate breast cancer
Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer in women after lung cancer and breast cancer death rates are 40% higher among black women than white women. Imagine a world where women don’t have to suffer the pains of treating breast cancer. They can just snap their fingers like Thanos, self-heal and move on with their lives. Having superpowers would be a game-changer for black women.
5. Open Jars and zippers by themselves
What most women won’t tell you is that they got married so they can have someone to open their jars and unzip their dress for them. To be fair, jars are extremely difficult to open. Most jars are designed as if only bricklayers and people who do hard labour can open them, that’s where the men come in. However, superpowers mean that women don’t need men any more for stuff like this. We good here.
6. Eradicate all pain attached to pregnancy
You will not believe the shit women have to go through to have babies. Some women lose their teeth, others lose their sight or sense of hearing. Most women even have postpartum depression. Why? Just so we can have babies. Well, December 21st will bring a new dawn. NO MORE PAIN. Black women will now be able to procreate without all the hazards of procreating.
A lot of Nigerian men have tried to push the agenda that Nigerian women are rich. So, Zikoko decided to investigate and we have come through with a list on how to spot a rich Nigerian woman. So, if you’re in the market for a rich woman, this one is for you.
Disclaimer: The source of the wealth should not be questioned. If you’re rich, you’re rich.
1. She has a Piggyvest account
This is the ultimate sign that a Nigerian woman is rich. She actively uses piggyvest to save her coins dollars. Check a Nigerian woman’s piggyvest to know her net worth. All that safe lock, target and flex dollar features were designed to keep a Nigerian woman rich.
2. She never checks price tags at the store
When you’re at the mall, there is always that fancy-dressed Nigerian woman with a full cart. Usually, she’s alone or with an assistant you might mistake for her friend. Her cart is always full because she has lost touch with price tag reality. She sees it, she wants it, she gets it.
3. Restaurant bills don’t faze her
She goes to fancy restaurants and orders food with names that cannot be pronounced. You know those tiny meals that a single plate cost more than the Nigerian minimum wage and they’re usually just smeared on the plate? That’s the kinda meals she likes to order. When the bill comes, she doesn’t excuse herself to the bathroom and tries to escape, she pays with her gold card.
4. She has rich friends
The rich like to hang out with themselves so she definitely has rich friends who do rich things. All her friends have gorgeous-sunlight-reflecting skin and human hair of the highest grade. They like to match colours when they step out to get drinks. White paint on their toes, manicured fingers, perfumes that literally smell like air-conditioned dollar mint, and outfits that cost more than federal university tuition in Nigeria.
5. She lives alone
She stays in some cute apartment by herself with a little dog. The ones that live with other girls are usually not as rich. The ones that live with their parents are RICH-RICH with a hint of dependency. Therefore, the ultimate test of her wealth, in this context, is living by herself in some fancy estate.
6. She drives a nice car
Having a nice car is high maintenance. If you see a Nigerian woman cruising in some nice car, just know she has money. With her large expensive shades on and her butt on a pillow so she can see her front well. These women don’t joke.
7. Multiple passports
If you see a Nigerian woman with more than one passport, hold her legs and don’t let her go until she blesses you. Dual citizenship is a plus if you’re Nigerian and she knows this (gotta have a backup nation in case one spoils.) *Stares at Nigeria*
Bonus: She sells Kayan Mata on IG
You know a Nigerian woman has blood money when she sells pussy flavouring package on IG. You will be surprised at the number of women who buy kayan mata packages and it’s not cheap. So, it’s basically semi-rich Nigerian women making another Nigerian woman very rich. It’s a cycle that sustains itself.
Stay woke.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: She Is Polyamorous, But I’m Not
Tobi*, 21, and Elizabeth*, 19, have known each other for eleven months and dated for five. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being queer, managing a relationship where only one person is polyamorous, and leaving their exes for each other.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Elizabeth: My earliest memory of Tobi was when they called me on the phone. They told me I sound like MTN customer care because I pick my calls with “Yello,” and that made me laugh so hard. It was the funniest thing I had heard all day. They’re not funny, but sometimes they try.
Tobi: I’m funny, stop spreading fake news.Mine was actually the first time we met. I was doing my internship at the time, and I randomly mentioned to her that I was hungry. She showed up at my office with food.
I remember this particular day because I accidentally gave her the wrong directions and she looked so mad when she finally got there. I will not be forgetting that soon.
Elizabeth: Knowing Tobi now, I now understand that they have no sense of direction, but they’re adorable. I mean, I got to their workplace all mad but I saw them and I was like, “How can I be mad at this one?”
Elizabeth, you keep using they/them pronouns. Is that intentional?
Elizabeth: Yes. Tobi is non-binary — a gender identity that is neither exclusively masculine or feminine. Gender is not as binary as the world views it. There are men, women, and people who genuinely do not conform. Tobi can explain better.
Tobi: I think gender is a capitalist concept created to sell more blue and pink clothes. I personally prefer purple. Also, asking me about my gender and pronouns is a terrible idea because I’ll just say I’m stardust and I don’t exist and keep things moving.
Forgive my naivety, but if they are non-binary and you are a woman, what is the proper term for your relationship?
Tobi: Proper term?
Elizabeth: Babe, do you know what I just hacked? We’re straight. I mean, we are both dating opposite genders. OMG! Are we straight?
Tobi: Ew, please.
LMAO. What is going on here?
Elizabeth: A bisexual woman and a pansexual non-binary person decided to date. That’s legit it.
Tobi: Yup, we’re partners.
About being partners, what does a day in this relationship look like?
Elizabeth: Omo. There’s no dynamic, just vibes and InshaAllah.
Tobi: Oh shut up. That’s how we started being a thing. She said, “I just want to vibe oh. Nothing more.” But here we are. I’m not complaining though.
Elizabeth: Ah. You had a girlfriend abi woman of interest. What was I supposed to do? I had a girlfriend too and I didn’t plan on falling in love, but you were so sweet. You kept texting and calling me; it was only natural that I caught feelings.
Elizabeth, you caught feelings first?
Well, I told them I love them first, but as a friend. I was like, “I love you” and they went silent as hell, so I tacked on “…as a friend.”
LMAO. Good save.
Tobi: Lizzy, this is not how I remember things oh. ‘
Elizabeth: Are you calling me a liar?
Tobi: I would just like to say that I’ve never been that confused in my life. She said, “I love you, but like I love all my friends.”
Elizabeth: But, don’t I?
Tobi: Well, during the early stage, you kept texting me. Babe, we literally had a 9-hour phone call.
Elizabeth: But you were the one that called na. Talking about how you needed me to keep you company until you got home.
9 HOURS? Are y’all rich-rich?
Tobi: Please, dear, it was a WhatsApp call.
Elizabeth: Honestly, that day you used me.
Tobi: I don’t regret it.
Elizabeth: Omo.
Wait. Do either of you currently have other partners right now?
Tobi: Not yet.
Elizabeth: Yet? You have someone you have your eyes on? Pray tell, is their ass fat? Tobi will swear that I’m sleeping with half of Lagos and quarter of Benin city, but they’re the real hoe.
Tobi: But, aren’t you?
Elizabeth: I plead the fifth.
How long have you guys been together?
Elizabeth: Five months, but we were “talking” for seven months. We met on Twitter in December 2019. Tobi had a woman and I had a girlfriend. So, we were just friends. Then my ex broke up with me and the spirit of hoeing took over. I went over to their place for four days and then we kept… talking.
Tobi: Talking?
Elizabeth: Want us to say what really happened when I was at yours? It’s love life not sex life, dear.
LMAO. Wait, all this happened when Tobi still had a girl?
Elizabeth: Yes. We confessed to having feelings for each other and they said they still loved that woman.
So, when you guys started dating, was “that woman” still in the picture?
Tobi: Nah, she wasn’t.
Elizabeth: So, she didn’t even know we were dating until like two weeks after we’d started. Tobi was scared to hurt her feelings.
Tobi: Which was silly because she was never really open about what she wanted from me.
Elizabeth: You didn’t know how mean she was to you. You really loved her. I’m really sorry it had to end.
Tobi, I thought “that woman” was your girlfriend.
Tobi: Not to my knowledge, no.
Elizabeth: She wasn’t their girlfriend. They were a thing. It’s complicated.
Ah. Should we have invited her here?
Elizabeth: That one is a separate love life interview. Now that I think about it, the first few weeks of our relationship was kinda weird. They loved her and I didn’t mind. So, they felt guilty for still loving her, but I got it. I got that people can love more than one person at a time.
Are you both polyamorous?
Tobi: No.
Elizabeth: I am the only polyamorous one in this relationship (the practice of engaging in multiple sexual and romantic relationships with the consent of all the people involved).
Tobi: Yep. She’s poly and I’m obviously not as monogamous as I thought.
Elizabeth: LMAO. I’ve broken you.
How does Tobi feel about this?
Elizabeth: They’re learning to adjust. I come to talk to them about people I like. They are my gossip buddy. If I like a woman or I want to suck dick or fuck a man, Tobi is the first person to know.
Omo. Tobi, How do you handle jealousy?
Tobi: That’s how I realised that I love her. She started to really like this one person and omo, my brain shifted. I was actually losing my mind. But now, we don’t know that jealousy person anymore, I think I manage that better than I used to.
Elizabeth: I remember that person. I couldn’t even bring her up without Tobi shutting down. Funny thing is, I don’t even talk to them anymore.
Tobi: So, there’s no way to feel about it, I love her. I want her to have everything, including men if she so wishes, but I hope not.
Elizabeth: I hope not too. I can’t imagine dating a man. Unless it’s that man.
What man?
Elizabeth: Our man.
Tobi: Hmm. God really does create bright and beautiful things.
Elizabeth: There’s a man we both consider beautiful and he has hit on both of us on separate occasions. That was before we started dating though. I think we should pay him a visit soon.
Elizabeth, if you decide to get into another relationship, how do you decide which one to give priority?
Elizabeth: I love all my partners in different ways. There isn’t really a scale of preference as much as it is different units of measurement for each person. For some, it’s the laughter and vibes, for others, it’s purely sexual. With Tobi, it’s more intense and intentional.
Ah. Lizzy nuggets.
Elizabeth: LMAO. I tell Tobi that I accidentally fell in love with them, but I choose to stay in love. It’s like I didn’t have a choice when I fell but the ground feels comfy, so I’m staying for as long as they’d have me. We die here.
Tobi: I agree.
What does ‘long term’ look like for both of you?
Elizabeth: A nice apartment, two dogs, three cats, one rabbit, one snake, an aquarium, one parrot and 11 children.
Tobi: One cat.
Am I getting punk’d?
Elizabeth: Tobi wants 11 kids.
Tobi: I wanted 10 but 11 works, I guess.
WHOSE UTERUS?
Elizabeth: I don’t want any biological children so we can adopt. The thought of having kids with Tobi seems very nice.
Better have money-money. Kids are not cheap.
Elizabeth: Capitalism is a social construct and money is a useless thing. We’ll have a farm and I’ll make fresh bread and jam.
Tobi: The plan is to have money.
Elizabeth: Babe, you want to have money-money?
Tobi: Yes na. Do you want those kids to suffer?
Elizabeth: What happened to our “eat the rich” plan? Babe, you know the idea of wealth stresses me out.
Tobi: I know, I know.
So, you want to be poor and have 11 kids?
Elizabeth: Not poor. In a functional society, you can afford 11 kids. I want to live in a society that makes it easy for me to have 11 kids.
So, Disney?
Tobi: Basically not Nigeria.
Elizabeth: Yes. plus, we have 6-10 years for these plans, so we still have time.
Tobi: We do, babes.
This is so cute. Do y’all even fight?
Elizabeth: We do, but it’s mostly misunderstandings.
Tobi: Miscommunication, more like.
Elizabeth: Yeah. So we try to communicate our feelings more, and then give room to feel upset and sad. We talk a lot of stuff out. However, an issue we haven’t been able to move on from is the fact that they eat semo. Can you imagine my life with a human who eats semo?
OMG. Gross. Are you okay?
Elizabeth: God, it’s irritating. Their one flaw.
Tobi: Babe, you eat plantain and pancakes with sardine.
Elizabeth: Tobi is very picky with food.
Tobi: No. I have a refined palate.
Elizabeth: Yes. Sureeee. Let’s call it that.
Tobi: We have such different tastes in food and music.
YOU THINK?
Tobi: LMAO. I told her to listen to Queen and she said they make her fall asleep.
Elizabeth: Babe, Lil Kesh >>>> Freddie Mercury.
Tobi: Wow. Fuck you.
Elizabeth: Okay, but when though?
OKAY! Is this the only relationship problem you have?
Elizabeth: My problem is, I asked them to spit in my mouth and they hesitated.
I-
Elizabeth: LMAO. What’s the issue?
Tobi, blink twice if you need Zikoko to intervene.
I’m blinking oh. Send the help.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
