Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Nofisat* (28) and Niyi* (30) grew up in the same neighbourhood but didn’t start dating until 2024. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how a childhood acquaintance became something more, why she dated his older brother in secondary school and his cousin in university without knowing they were related, and the struggles of navigating a family that houses one’s exes. 

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Nofisat: We grew up in the same area, but we weren’t close as children at all. Niyi was one of those kids in the neighbourhood that everybody knew about, but he never really came out to play with the rest of us. He was very reclusive and was always indoors, even when his siblings came out. So my earliest memory of him is just knowing he existed. 

Niyi: She was always outside, playing with someone. I’d see her through the window sometimes, running around, laughing, being loud and social. We lived in the same neighbourhood, knew of each other, but were in completely different worlds. She was outgoing, and I was withdrawn. There was no bridge between us at that point.

When did you start interacting with each other?

Nofisat:  When we got to secondary school, Niyi transferred to my school. I think it was around JSS2 or JSS3. Even then, we weren’t exactly close. We were just classmates who knew each other from the neighbourhood. It wasn’t until I started dating his older brother in SS2 that Niyi and I began talking more regularly.

Niyi: She’d come to the house or we’d walk home from school together. We’d also borrow notes from each other occasionally, talk about school stuff, but it was very surface-level. My reclusiveness got worse in secondary school, so I wasn’t exactly fun to be around. I was just the quiet younger brother.

Nofisat: I should note that my relationship with his brother wasn’t anything deep or serious. We liked each other, hung out, and did the things secondary school couples do. But it didn’t last beyond secondary school. As soon as we graduated, everyone moved on. 

We went to different universities, and the connection naturally fizzled out. His brother went to Zaria, I went to a private university in Benin Republic, and Niyi went to UI. We saw each other during breaks, and by then, whatever we had was already over. But I coincidentally got with their cousin. I didn’t even know they were related.

Wait. How did that happen?

Nofisat: In uni, I dated a guy I met through mutual friends during my first year. We hit it off quickly and dated for about 2 years. It was a good relationship while it lasted. But like many university relationships, it eventually ran its course, and we broke up. 

What I had absolutely no clue about was that he was Niyi’s cousin. I’d never seen him at Niyi’s house during all their family events, or maybe I just never noticed. 

How did you find out?

Nofisat: During a school break — or maybe it was a Christmas break — I went to Niyi’s house. I can’t even remember why now. But when I got there and walked into the compound, I saw my ex. The guy I’d broken up with months earlier in Benin Republic. I was so confused. My brain couldn’t process what I saw. For a few seconds, we stared at each other in shock. When I finally asked what he was doing there, he told me he was Niyi’s cousin. It was so awkward.

Niyi: I thought it was funny, honestly. Not in a mocking way, but just the coincidence of it all. This girl had dated my older brother in secondary school, and now she’d dated my cousin in university without even knowing we were related. But at that time, Nofisat and I were still just acquaintances. There was nothing romantic between us. So that knowledge didn’t matter.

Right. Let’s get back to that. When did things change between the two of you?

Nofisat: It was after NYSC. I had finished serving, and I was back home, job hunting and doing some personal business from the house. I was home most of the time, and so was Niyi because he was working remotely. For a long time, I assumed we were both unemployed. I thought he was also struggling to find work like I was.

Niyi: I had a full-time remote job and freelance gigs on the side. But from the outside, it looked like I was staying at home all day.

Nofisat: It’s hard to remember exactly what brought us together or what sparked the conversation. We may have ran intoeach other in the neighbourhood and just started talking. During that conversation, I mentioned something about job hunting and how tough the market was. That’s when he told me he was fully employed and working remotely.

Niyi: After that conversation, we started talking more frequently. We run into each other, or I’d send her links to job openings I found on Twitter. The conversations got deeper over time. We talked about work, life, what we wanted for our futures, and all that. 

It was nice to have someone who understood where I was in life, even though our situations were different.

Was this when you started catching feelings? 

Nofisat: That happened gradually. We were both single, which created an opening that wouldn’t have existed otherwise. As we spent more time together, there was an undeniable shift in how we related to each other. It wasn’t just the kind of surface-level conversation you have with someone you’ve known your whole life but never really known. There was something else bubbling underneath all of that.

Niyi: Everything she said. I started looking forward to seeing her or hearing from her. I’d find excuses to text her or to be in places where I knew she’d be. It became clear to me that I was developing feelings for her. But I was also aware of her awkward dating history. She’d dated my brother and my cousin. That was something I had to think about before acting on my feelings.

Nofisat: I had the same worries g. I thought about the fact that I’d dated his older brother in secondary school, even though it was brief and immature. I’d also dated his cousin in university for two whole years, which was a real relationship with real feelings and real history. And now here I was, catching feelings for Niyi himself, the third person from the same family. 

It felt really weird when I laid it out like that. Like, what are the chances?   Was I potentially about to make it even more complicated by pursuing something with Niyi? Although none of those relationshipverlapped,  it felt almost inappropriate. They were all in the past. But still, I worried about what people would think, especially our families.

Did you talk to each other about this concern?

Niyi: Yes, we had to address it before we moved forward. I told her that it didn’t matter to me. As far as I was concerned, what happened with my brother was in secondary school.  They were kids. It happened years ago, and it wasn’t even a serious relationship. As for my cousin, yes; that was more recent and serious. But I spoke to him about it before making any move with Nofisat. I asked him if he’d have an issue with it, and he said he didn’t. He’d moved on, and he had no problem with me dating her.

Nofisat: Even with Niyi’s reassurance and his cousin’s blessing, I still felt weird about it. I appreciated that he spoke with his cousin and gained clarity. But it didn’t change the fact that I’d have to navigate family gatherings and potentially see these people regularly. It wasn’t just about whether they were okay with it. It was about how I’d feel in those situations.

 You both decided to pursue the relationship anyway.

Nofisat: The heart wants what it wants. We made it official in March 2024. 

Honestly, what we shared was fundamentally different from what I’d had with his brother or his cousin. Those were different chapters of my life. With Niyi, it felt more mature and intentional. We were adults who knew what we wanted from a partner and from life. We had real, substantive conversations about our futures, and I didn’t want to let it go just because of the awkward situation or what other people might think.

Niyi: For me, I just believed we could navigate the whole thing if we were intentional about it. 

Right. You’ve been dating for two years now. How has it been?

Nofisat: It’s still weird for me sometimes, I won’t lie. Even after two years with Niyi, there are moments at family events when I feel self-conscious. Thankfully, Niyi’s older brother relocated abroad a while ago, so he’s not around for family events anymore. That makes things significantly easier. I don’t have to wonder if he’s thinking about our secondary school relationship or if he’s judging me for being with his younger brother now. But Niyi’s cousin still shows up regularly at family gatherings. And every time I know he’s going to be there, I feel a little uncomfortable. We’re both completely over that relationship, but I don’t think it’ll ever stop being awkward. 

Niyi: I don’t see it as an issue. The only thing I asked both my brother and my cousin was to keep whatever history they had with Nofisat to themselves. I don’t want it brought up in family conversations or used as a joke or gossip. That’s the one boundary I’ve set.

And have they respected that boundary?

Niyi: Yes. My brother is abroad, so it’s not really an issue with him. And my cousin has been respectful. When we’re all together, he treats Nofisat like he’d treat any other person in the room.

Curious. Are either of your parents aware? 

Niyi: My parents know, because I told them when Nofisat and I started getting serious. I didn’t want them to find out from someone else and make it a bigger deal. I explained the situation to them clearly. They were a bit surprised, but they didn’t make a big deal out of it. They just wanted to know if I was serious about Nofisat, and I told them I was.

Nofisat: His parents have been welcoming to me, which I appreciate. They treat me well, and they’ve never made me feel uncomfortable about the past. But I still wonder sometimes if they talk about it when I’m not around. 

As for my parents, they don’t know. I don’t really talk about my relationship with them. They’re just excited I’m dating someone they know. And that’s all they need to know.

What’s the best thing about being with each other despite this complicated history?

Nofisat: Niyi is so different from his brother and his cousin. I think that’s what makes this work. With him, I feel understood in a way I didn’t feel in those previous relationships. He’s thoughtful, he’s intentional, and he communicates well. We have deep conversations about what matters. He’s also very patient with my insecurities about the family situation. He doesn’t dismiss my feelings or tell me I’m being ridiculous. He listens and reassures me. That means a lot.

Niyi: Nofisat challenges me in good ways. She pushes me to be more social, present, and less reclusive. She’s also incredibly hardworking and ambitious, and I respect that about her. I don’t regret choosing to be with her.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Niyi: I’d give it a 9. The only reason it’s not a 10 is that I know Nofisat still sometimes struggles with the family history, and I wish I could make that completely go away for her. But overall, I’m very happy with where we are.

Nofisat: I’d also say 9. Niyi is an amazing partner, and our relationship is solid. I’m learning to let go of my worries and just focus on us. So yes, a 9 feels right.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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