Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Testimony* (27) and Efosa* (28) met in 2017 while writing UTME.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about going from best friends in university to a complicated situationship, why their relationship failed twice, and the years-long friends-with-benefits arrangement they still maintain.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Testimony: We met in 2017 at the examination centre where we wrote our UTME. Both our mothers had met outside the centre and got along really well when they realised we’d both chosen the same university. I came out of the exam hall first, and my mum introduced me to Efosa’s mum. When Efosa came out and approached us, he looked confused. He saw me and my mum, these strange people, standing with his mum. He had no idea what was happening.
He also looked prim and proper, like what we used to call a butty. And I thought he was attractive. I was interested from that first meeting.
Efosa: I was very confused. When my mum did the introductions, it was just awkward all around. Even worse, both our parents exchanged contacts and encouraged us to keep in touch since we’d potentially be attending the same university.
I was quite shy around girls I didn’t know then. So I didn’t pay much attention to Testimony. Even after we exchanged contacts, we didn’t really keep in touch.
So what happened next?
Testimony: I ran into Efosa at Unilag the following year. We were both freshers, and seeing him was such a pleasant surprise. That’s when our friendship started properly.
We went to classes together, ate together, and hung out together. Everyone on campus assumed we were a couple. People would ask me about my boyfriend, and I’d have to explain that Efosa and I were just friends.
Efosa: I was genuinely happy to be around Testimony once we reconnected. She was really jovial, outgoing, and got along with everyone so easily. I wondered if she’d lived a previous life as a Unilag student because she didn’t act like a fresher at all.
After a while, the boyfriend-and-girlfriend assumption started flying around. But we brushed it aside.
Curious, Testimony. You mentioned you liked Efosa when you first met at the UTME centre. Why didn’t you pursue that interest?
Testimony: I did. I’d promised myself that I’d get a boyfriend in my first year, and I really wanted it to be Efosa. Everything about him appealed to me. I was just waiting patiently for him to make a move. As much as I liked him, I couldn’t ask him out.
But months passed, and nothing happened. I dropped multiple hints and created opportunities for him to say something, but he never took them.
At some point, I started wondering if I’d misread the situation entirely; if maybe he saw me as a friend and nothing more.
Efosa: I was actually very attracted to her. I didn’t just like her physically; I also enjoyed her personality, her energy, and everything else about her. But I’d never dated anyone before in my entire life. I had absolutely no experience with relationships or expressing romantic interest to women. Plus, I didn’t want to make a move that could potentially ruin our friendship. So I just stayed silent and kept things in the safe zone of friendship, even though I was constantly struggling with my feelings for her.
Even after she dropped hints?
Efosa: They didn’t seem like hints to me at the time. It was only much later that I realised what she was trying to say. There was even a time she ended messages with “love ya” or “xoxo,” and I just waved it aside as what friends say to each other.
Testimony: This continued for most of 100 level. We’d do things together constantly, spend hours talking and hanging out, and have these deep emotional connections. But nothing happened romantically, even though we randomly got jealous when we saw each other hanging out closely with the opposite gender
Right. At what point did things change?
Testimony: When we came back for 200 level, I started dating someone. A guy who’d been pursuing me showed interest, and I decided to give it a try. I’d concluded that Efosa and I were just going to be friends.
Efosa: I was genuinely hurt when she started dating that guy. But I didn’t say anything about how I felt. Instead, I carried on as if I were completely supportive of the relationship. I’d pretend like I was happy for her and ask her how things were going with him. But internally, I was struggling. I’d missed my chance, and now I had to watch her be with someone else.
Testimony: Honestly, I didn’t like that guy as much as I liked Efosa. But I figured Efosa had his chance and didn’t take it, so I needed to move on. The guy I was dating was older and had money. He took me places and bought me things. It wasn’t deep love, but it was something.
Efosa: About three months into her relationship with that guy, things started to completely fall apart. The guy was cheating on her with multiple girls and treating her badly. She’d come to me upset and crying, telling me how he was hurting her. And I’d comfort and tell her she deserved better.
In a strange way, watching her be with someone else and witnessing her get hurt repeatedly forced me to confront my own feelings for her. I realised I couldn’t just stay silent forever. That was when I decided to express my feelings.
Oh.
Testimony: He started being more forward with me. More physical and flirtatious. One night, we got intimate. I was still technically with the other guy. It just happened, and it kept happening.
Efosa: We didn’t define what we were doing or have any serious conversation about it. We were basically friends with benefits without ever using those words. We’d hook up, sometimes multiple times a week, but we never talked about defining the new territory our relationship had entered.
Testimony: I didn’t break up with the other guy immediately, even after Efosa and I started hooking up. I know it sounds really messy when I say it out loud, but I kind of liked having both situations running at the same time. The other guy had his uses. He took care of certain material things I needed and wanted. And Efosa gave me the deep emotional connection, intellectual stimulation, physical intimacy, and the genuine care that I actually craved. It was messy and complicated.
Did you guys ever get to the point of making things official?
Testimony: I finally broke up with the other guy toward the end of 200 level. And in 300 level, Efosa asked me to make our relationship official. I said yes.
Efosa: It turned out to be the absolute worst mistake we could have made. Being in an official, labelled relationship with Testimony was completely and fundamentally different from being friends or even friends with benefits. We weren’t a suitable couple at all. The dynamics that worked when we were casual completely fell apart when we tried to be in a committed relationship. Everything that was fun and easy before became difficult and stressful.
Testimony: We fought constantly about absolutely everything. Small things, big things, it didn’t matter. Efosa became extremely jealous and possessive in ways he’d never been before when we were just friends. He wanted to police who I talked to, where I went or what I wore. And I realised through all the fighting that I was probably too carefree for what he wanted in a girlfriend. I was also, in his words, “too materialistic.” We brought out the worst in each other instead of the best.
Efosa: We dated for about six months before it became unbearable. We broke up and didn’t speak to each other for the rest of our time in school. We graduated in 2023 without reconciling.
I see. And how did you guys reunite?
Efosa: I think it was during NYSC clearance. I needed help with something technical —some documentation process. Testimony was the only person I knew who understood how to navigate it. I reached out to her, and she helped me without hesitation.
Somehow, we realised that we had both missed each other. We started talking again, and the conversation flowed easily like it used to. We caught up on everything we’d missed in each other’s lives.
Testimony: Then, after a few weeks of consistent communication, we decided to give the relationship a second shot since we were both single. We thought maybe we’d both matured since university, and things would be different now. But it was still the same old. We broke up again after about 3 months, though this time it was amicable. We admitted that being in a relationship just doesn’t work for us and we’re better off as friends.
And how’s that friendship going these days?
Efosa: Pretty much like our 100 level days. Plus, I think we both forgot to mention that our mums are also friends. So somehow, we’re always involved in each other’s lives. Although we kept the relationship private from them, if not, my mum especially would have tried to meddle.
Testimony: Everything he said. My mum tried to get nosy once, but I told her we were just friends and nothing more.
Anyway, we’ve both dated other people multiple times since we officially ended things. I’ve had my relationships and he’s had his. But somehow, whenever either of us breaks up with someone or ends a situation, we inevitably end up hooking up for sex. We’ll go weeks or even months without seeing each other while we’re involved with other people. But the moment one of us becomes single again, we’re back in each other’s beds. It’s like muscle memory.
You guys don’t think someone is going to get hurt along the line?
Efosa: I know it’s unconventional and probably not healthy long-term. But there’s this deep comfort and familiarity with Testimony that I genuinely don’t have with anyone else. We can just be completely ourselves and be completely honest about what we want physically.
Testimony: We’ve set very clear boundaries around this arrangement to protect both of us. We’re not exclusive with each other at all. We don’t owe each other any explanations about who else we’re seeing, sleeping with, or dating. We don’t get to have opinions about each other’s romantic choices. It’s purely physical intimacy, with a strong foundation of a deep, long-standing friendship underneath. We both understand and respect the rules.
Right. But do you guys see a future where you try again?
Efosa: I genuinely and sincerely believe we both still need to do significant growing up as individuals before we can successfully be together. But I do see a realistic future, maybe in three to five years, where we reunite as more self-aware people and try to build a stronger, healthier, more sustainable relationship. We have so much history together. We understand each other on a level most people never reach. We genuinely care about each other’s well-being and happiness.
I firmly believe that with more life experience, personal growth, financial stability, and emotional maturity, we could actually make it work this time.
Testimony: I don’t entirely agree with Efosa’s optimistic vision of our future together. I’m open to that reality happening; I won’t completely close the door on the possibility. Stranger things have happened. But I’m also definitely not actively thinking about it right now.
At this stage of my life, I’m genuinely not ready for a serious commitment with anyone, including and especially Efosa. I’m enjoying my freedom and figuring out what I actually want and need in a partner and in life.
What’s the best thing about your connection with each other?
Efosa: The history and deep understanding we share. Testimony knows me better than literally anyone else in my life. She’s seen me at my absolute best and at my absolute worst. She’s seen me succeed and fail. She’s seen me confident and insecure. There’s a level of profound comfort, trust, and understanding between us that I honestly haven’t found or built with anyone else I’ve dated or been involved with since.
Testimony: The friendship that exists underneath everything else we do. No matter what happens between us romantically or sexually, or how messy things get, Efosa is genuinely one of my closest and most trusted friends in the world. I can call him about literally anything at any time, I can rely on him when I need help or support, and I can be my complete, authentic self around him. That foundation of real friendship is truly irreplaceable and incredibly rare.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Efosa: I’d give it a 6 when we dated. Right now, maybe an 8. We’re honest with each other, and we genuinely care about each other.
Testimony: I’d also say 7. It’s a good arrangement that meets our needs without the complications of a relationship. But it’s also not sustainable forever. Something will eventually have to change.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
