Shallom* (36) grew up on a steady diet of romance novels that promised soft love, grand gestures and happily-ever-afters. Even when real life started to contradict those fantasies, she still believed marriage would somehow work itself out.

Five years in, she’s married to a man who has remained exactly who he said he was from day one, and that, surprisingly, has been one of the hardest things to adjust to.

This is a look into Shallom’s Marriage Diary.

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I thought marriage would be soft and romantic

I always imagined marriage as this sweet, romantic thing where it’s just you and your husband and everything is soft and perfect. Funny enough, in all those imaginations, I didn’t even use to picture children. It was always just the man and the woman against the world.

And you can blame novels for that. Those books hardly focused on what happens after children are born. It was always about love, emotions, and romance. So for most of my formative years, that was what I thought marriage would look like.

But by the time I got to senior secondary school, reality started to set in. My parents loved each other, no doubt. They were very expressive about it. But when they fought, it was something else entirely. The whole house would feel it. They could go a full week without speaking to each other, passing messages through us, the children.

So I grew up coming to terms with two truths at the same time. Love can be sweet and expressive, but it can also be intense and difficult. That was when I realised marriage wouldn’t just be one smooth, jolly ride.

Still, I believed that, like my parents, my own marriage would always find a way to work itself out.

My biggest surprise is that my husband hasn’t changed

The biggest surprise in my marriage is my husband himself; that man has remained exactly the same.

We met after NYSC, and from the very first conversation, I could tell he was very clearheaded. He knew what he wanted from life, and he wasn’t playing games. As we got closer, I started noticing things that almost felt too good to be true. He doesn’t keep late nights. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t womanise. He doesn’t even like parties.

In my head, I was already saying “yinmu”. I just assumed it was a front. I told myself, “Let’s just enter this marriage first, everything will reveal itself.”

But five years later, nothing has changed. Even his temperament. My husband doesn’t get angry. Or let me say, he hardly gets angry. You have to really, really push him to his absolute limit before you’ll see anything close to anger. And even then, he still manages to express himself calmly.

I used to think it was an act. Even my friends would say, “Just wait, men always change.” But now, even they have accepted that this might just be who he is. And honestly, I’m grateful. Because, as it stands, this man has remained one of the best things that has happened to me.

I once tried to set him up, and it changed how I see conflict

This part still embarrasses me when I think about it. 

When we started talking seriously about marriage, some of my friends kept insisting that no man is without a vice. They were convinced he must be hiding something. So one of them suggested I create a fake account and test him, and I actually did.

For two days, I was texting my own boyfriend from a fake profile. He responded, and I won’t lie, at some point, I got angry. I felt like, “See him. So this is how it starts.” But the truth is, he kept everything very civil. He made it clear he was in a relationship and didn’t cross any lines. Then he blocked the account.

I didn’t even stop there. I tried again with a different account and got the same result. At that point, I felt satisfied enough to confess that it was me. He was deeply hurt when I told him. 

That moment really forced me to look at myself. He said something that stayed with me. That if I didn’t trust him, then there was no point moving forward. And he was right. I had to really ask myself if I appreciated what I had or if I was about to ruin something good because of outside noise.

Thankfully, we were able to move past it, but it remains one of the most unnecessary risks I’ve ever taken.

Nobody told me it could be hard to argue with a calm person

One thing nobody prepared me for is how difficult it can be to be with someone who doesn’t like conflict.

Sometimes, when we argue, I want to shout. I want to express myself loudly. I want to vent. But my husband? Even when he’s clearly upset, he will still speak calmly. And somehow, that calmness can make you feel like you’re the one overreacting.

Growing up, the advice was always, “Be patient. Don’t argue too much. Apologise first.” But nobody tells you what to do when your partner doesn’t even engage in the kind of arguments you’re prepared for.

I used to complain to my mum that my husband is “too gentle” and too quick to apologise, and she didn’t understand me at all. In her mind, that was a blessing. She dealt with a man who could hold a grudge for weeks, so she couldn’t relate to my complaint.

But over time, I’ve had to adjust. If it’s shouting you’re looking for, you won’t get it from my husband. And the funny thing is, even without raising his voice, he knows how to say things in a way that lands deeply.

I’ve had to learn to approach conflict differently. I won’t lie, I’m still learning, but I can say I’ve improved.

I once took things too far

There was a particular incident that really forced me to reflect.

My younger cousin was staying with us for the holidays, and one day he spoilt something in the kitchen after I had clearly warned him not to use it. I got angry and beat him, then started shouting. My husband was there watching everything.

I expected him to back me up. Even if he didn’t beat the boy, at least raise his voice or show some kind of authority. But instead, he calmly sat the boy down and started talking to him.

That irritated me even more. I turned my anger on him and said things I shouldn’t have said, especially in front of the child. After that, he just picked his keys and left the house. He didn’t come back until midnight.

That was one of the few times I knew I had really pushed him.

When he came back, I apologised. And, as always, we talked it through calmly. But that moment stayed with me. It reminded me again of the kind of man I married and the kind of person I needed to be if I wanted this marriage to work.

Marriage has changed me in quiet ways

Marriage has changed me in many positive ways. I’m someone who likes to reflect and grow, so being with someone like my husband has influenced me without him even trying too hard. I’ve noticed that I’m calmer now, even outside my marriage.

There are situations with my relatives where I would have reacted immediately before, but now I pause. And when I handle things calmly, they’ll even joke and say, “See what your husband has done to you.”

He’s also a complete homebody. He doesn’t go out, doesn’t party. And somehow, I’ve grown into that lifestyle too. I now enjoy being at home, spending time with family, and having my own space.

Sometimes I even try to test him, suggesting solo trips or outings, just to see if there’s still another side to him I haven’t seen. But he never takes the bait. He’s content exactly as he is, and I’ve learned to appreciate that.

Love alone isn’t enough

If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell her this: You deserve good things, and when they come, don’t question them too much.

A lot of my earlier actions came from a sense that something this good couldn’t be real. Even now, there are moments I catch myself thinking, “Is this too good to be true?”

But I’m learning to accept it, to enjoy what I have without trying to sabotage it.

As someone who once believed in fairy tales, I used to think love was enough for anything. But real life is different. Love is important, yes. But you also need communication, tolerance, understanding, and even things like a healthy sex life. All these things work together to sustain a marriage.

Because the truth is, there will be moments when love doesn’t feel as strong. And in those moments, it’s all these other things that will keep you grounded and keep the relationship going. Without them, love alone will not survive.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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