Do you remember how long you’ve had a “dream job”? How did anybody ever convince you to dream of labour? Capitalism is to blame.
Here are some other things capitalism has scammed you into believing.
That interviews are a good thing
First of all, why are you auditioning for hard labour and feeling bad when you get rejections? Do you like pain? It’s giving BDSM.
“The harder you work, the more money you make”
Just take a look at your paycheck and that of a politician. You’ll see that capitalism is a bandit. The easiest way to get rich is to be born rich. The next best way is to marry a rich person. The rest is just capitalism trying to swindle you.
“Follow your passion, and money will come”
My passion is sleeping because why am I still a mechanic? Make it make sense.
Dream jobs
This one’s obviously a lie to lure us back to the plantations because why are you dreaming of labour?
“Learning never ends”
Of course, I’ll keep learning after spending ten hours at work screaming, “Can you see my screen?” and an extra two hours in traffic to and from work every day. I’ll definitely keep learning.
“Your network is your net worth”
Just prepare your heart for aggressive airing from all angles. They will snub you so much, you’ll think you’re a ghost.
Weekends
When was the last time you actually rested on a weekend? Just think about it. It’s all a scam.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
The subject of this Sunken Ships, Alex*, talks to us about having a work wife, Shalom*, and navigating the job now that she and Alex no longer work together.
When did you meet this person?
Alex: I met Shalom in October 2020. We got hired at the same time and in our second week in the office we decided to meet in person.
Initially, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason, but when we met that day, she was much friendlier than I thought.
Was that when you got closer?
Alex: Not really. It wasn’t until one Friday, about a week or so after we met that she called me to get to know me. We hit it off immediately. At that point, I realised that if she had asked me to do all her work for her I would have.
I’m a very private person, but we followed each other on all the social media platforms. We liked the same books, I liked talking to her and I thought she was funny and brilliant. It made sense to follow each other everywhere. Over time, I started to send her funny TikToks. I never shut up about her and everyone in my life was tired of hearing about this person. I won’t lie.
It dawned on me that I loved her in a friend way when I made her a playlist. I don’t just make anyone playlists. There have been so many great moments in her presence and I have so much love for her that if at any point we stop being friends I’ll always root for her and I know she’ll be rooting right back.
Alex: Well, we worked remotely, but working with her meant feeling seen. She understood what I struggled with because she was struggling with it too. I looked forward to going to the office on the days we had to because she’d be there and I’d feel less alone.
She’s also more outgoing than me, so she made sure to include me in activities I’d have normally shied away from. Hell, I want to say she made me more productive. With her there, I actually wanted to get my work done. Working with her was great and she made work more fun.
How did you feel when she told you she was leaving?
Alex: Conflicted. She wasn’t always very happy there and I wanted better for her but I also knew I was going to miss her. I felt so sad for the longest time because we were a team of two and I already felt alone and hidden in my office. With her gone, it’d be worse.
I think at first I was distant because I worried about things changing between us, but we just went right back to talking after like it didn’t happen.
When she left, it meant I had to do the work of two people alone and no one saw it as a problem until I pointed it out. It increased my workload and made me tired out, but that’s about it. I still have her in my life.
Damn. Do you miss working with her?
Alex: So much. She made work feel less than a job. She had the most original ideas and encouraged mine no matter how ridiculous. She also spoke up a lot in situations where other people were silent and I always admired that. Plus, she looked so fly all the time. A fine woman 100%.
Do you think you’re as close as you used to be?
Alex: I don’t think so but it’s just because we don’t work on the same office clock. I used to spend more time in my day talking to her about work and then about our personal lives. I no longer see her as often.
We still talk, send tweets, have long phone calls and send Tiktoks to one another. She’s my babe for life. I’d like to deliberately make time to plan a physical hang-out because she is one of the best people in my life right now.
Do you want her to come back?
Alex: No honestly, but I will love to work with her again someday.
Some professions are more respected and loved than others. And some are just plain underrated. Here are some jobs we actually shouldn’t look down on because they’re really amazing.
Town crier
Imagine waking up to a bell and someone giving the whole town hot gist? The gossip levels will increase, and it’ll foster town unity.
Philosopher
All the thinking you’ve been thinking for free, where has it taken you? Nowhere. At least, let your overthinking put food on your table and a roof over your head. It’s time to start asking yourself the difficult questions.
Alchemist
Imagine being able to turn copper into gold? Or lead into silver?
Someone who helps people to recall the names of everyone they’ve met. In this era of short-term memory, this should be a massive profession. Do you know how many awkward situations would be prevented if someone actually remembered names on people’s behalf?
Food tasters
With the rise of village people, it’s important for you to have someone taste the food you want to eat.
Knocker-upper
Are you tired of always snoozing your alarm and waking up late anyway? Well, a knocker-upper’s job is to wake people more effectively… by beating you till you wake up. You’ll never miss an alarm again.
Bell-ringer
Bell-ringing is a pretty accurate way to tell time for those who run from their responsibilities.
If you think you’re going to be like Chimamanda and work with Dior, you’re wrong oo! Take this quiz and find out the designer you’re going to be working with this year
If there’s one career advice we get all the time, it’s either, “Do what you love, so you never have to work a day in your life” or “Follow your passion”. These statements are tied to the notion that people should do anything to get a particular job that’d make them happy and fulfilled — the proverbial “dream job”.
I’ve always thought the concept of a dream job is just another ploy to keep you shackled to the chains of capitalism. Why should you dream of working every day of your active life for fulfilment?
Don’t take it from me. These Nigerian professionals share similar sentiments as they tell us why they stopped believing in dream jobs.
“I do love my job, but it’s just not enough.”
— Damian*, 32
I grew up in a typical Nigerian home, where the dad was always working and the mum was a stay-at-home carer. My dad took great pride in his work, and we didn’t lack anything, so I grew up believing all I had to do as a man was my best work and everything else would fall into place.
My dream job was to be a banker like my dad, and I did everything possible to make sure I achieved it. I’m the assistant branch manager at a commercial bank now, but I feel like I’m living my life for someone else.
I work so hard every day, telling myself I chose this life. I do love my job, but it’s just not enough. I hardly have time to even think about other things I might enjoy, and at the end of the day, no one gives a shit about you. You can drop dead one minute, and work will continue the next. Is that life?
“Every job fuels capitalism”
— Clarissa*, 27
I’ll admit I once believed in a “dream job” that had to be the end goal if you wanted to feel like you’ve achieved a successful career. Mine wasn’t a specific role; it just had to be something that paid me in dollars.
I got the dollar-paying job in 2021 and felt good for a while, but capitalism is still capitalism. It’s still the same mind-numbing work that takes over your life. Every job fuels capitalism. The only difference is the amount of money you choose to sell your freedom for.
“Dream jobs don’t necessarily pay the bills”
— Obed*, 29
When I hear “dream job”, I think “follow your passion”. I followed my passion for a while by studying veterinary medicine in university, but omo, I came out and saw that the economy wasn’t smiling. There aren’t enough opportunities for vets in Nigeria. Me, I’ve changed my passion to what can feed me, please.
“The idea just benefits employers”
— Olanna*, 25
I believed that for someone to enjoy working, they had to really love their jobs, so any job that’d make me absolutely love working was meant to be my dream job.
But I have better sense now, and I realise that idea just benefits employers. They encourage you to put in your all to gain “fulfilment” and “change the world”, but they’re the ones who largely benefit from your hard work. No one really loves working. We just do it because we have to.
I’m not saying, don’t like your job. Heck, you have to, or else you’d be miserable all your life. But just do what you can and throw away any notion that you’re indispensable. To your employer, everyone is dispensable.
Not everyone has the luxury of pursuing their dreams or jobs they supposedly have passion for, especially in Nigeria. I believed in dream jobs as a young university leaver, but life has shown me we don’t always get to choose what we love. So, what’s the point of believing in it?
Employers don’t even care whether you love the job or not. As long as you’re doing what they paid you for, it’s not their business.
“A job is just a job”
— Anita*, 26
Just like characters in romance novels, I used to believe there was a career path that was “the one” for me. But I’ve pivoted from health to human resources and now administration. I’ve realised there’s no one job that makes me feel fulfilled. As long as I keep doing good work, and my salary helps ease my stress, I’m fine. A job is just a job. We weren’t put on this earth to focus our energies on finding one dream job.
“Money is my own dream”
— Dotun*, 36
I was guilty of telling people to follow their passion, but getting married and having children made me realise money is my own dream.
I followed my passion by starting my career in journalism, but the work environment and challenges that came with it aren’t for the weak. Plus, it doesn’t pay too well. When I got the opportunity to move into tech, I did. Now, I tell people not to be boxed into a corner by the idea of a dream job. Dreams can change, and they can be fuelled by anything.
What if your “dream job” is killing you or can’t pay your bills? Better dream again.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Unfortunately for you, work has resumed. Since you can’t manufacture a public holiday, it’s time to do the job you’re paid to do.
God, abeg
But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.
Start counting the days
Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day.
Throw in pointless office lingo
Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.
Look serious
Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea.
Blame MTN and their cohorts
I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi?
Set up meetings
You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.
Just look busy
If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.
Remember the state of your account balance
Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.
Beg God to let you blow this year
At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.
The time every capitalist slave dreads is finally here. The holidays are ending, and your owner, capitalism, is about to take over.
Let’s take you through all the stages and emotions you’ll experience in the coming days.
At first, you’ll be indifferent
You’ve just been sleeping and eating for a while now, and work is the last thing on your mind… if it’s even on your mind at all.
Then, reality starts to kick in
Your office is already sending you season’s greetings and “can’t wait to see you at the office” messages. How many days was the holiday sef?
You start considering your options
You start thinking of excuses to stretch your holiday as much as possible. What if you tell oga that the only filling station in your village burned down and there’s no fuel for buses to travel back to your city? They should understand.
Before realising you have no choice
Because no matter what excuses you give, capitalism always wins. Unless you don’t have issues with poverty or sleeping under the bridge.
Cue in anger
Then you start blaming everyone and anyone for your predicament. Who even decided people have to work to survive? Whose ancestor invented work, and why do we have to suffer because of that?
You finally resume
And paste on fake smiles when the office oversabi starts talking about how much they missed everyone at the office. Stop it, Sandra. We know you’re lying.
And embrace fake humility
Have you forgotten it’s January? No buying of unnecessary amala at lunch. Better hide somewhere and drink your garri in peace if you want to survive the coming days.
Start counting down to the next holiday
How can the next holiday be all the way in April? Why isn’t Valentine’s Day a public holiday? Don’t we all need time off to celebrate the power of love?
It’s the end of the year, and while some of us are trying to figure out how to detty December on a mechanic’s budget, 9-5ers are experiencing a different kind of hell.
Don’t get me wrong. The average 9-5er looks forward to the holidays — just imagining meeting-free days and festive hampers can make one go weak in the knees — but most also agree December is the most scattered month of the year.
I spoke with Yetunde Dada, a business consultant at a human resources consulting and recruitment firm in Lagos, and she gave me the lowdown on why the season isn’t so jolly for 9-5ers.
The work never really stops
You’d think the year ending means work will reduce and everyone can coast into the new year. Heck no. If anything, work seems to have doubled because bosses want to end the year with a “big bang”. Whatever that means.
But many people start closing mentally
If you think about it, maybe it’s just the Detty December state of mind that makes it seem like the work has increased. Imagine putting Christmas funds calculations and work in the same head.
“We’ll revisit this next year”
This suddenly becomes everyone’s motto. Faulty water dispenser at the office? “We’ll revisit it next year.” We need to settle the contracts for the new hires? “Oh, next year!”
You begin to wonder who’ll do all the work we pushed to next year.
Gift planning is the ghetto
Of course, you have to send gifts to the clients who worked with you throughout the year, and deciding on what gift to give will take approximately 50 wasted meeting hours. Add that to the regular work you’re still expected to do.
End-of-year parties nko?
Don’t get me started on the parties and “team bonding” sessions. Sure, it’s great to eat and enjoy your life at your employer’s expense, but God help you if you’re part of the planning committee. By the time you use three meetings to decide on the party’s theme, you’ll be tempted to punch something. Or someone.
Closing out for the year… or not
Most offices do this thing where they close for the year but only close the office. You can be cooking Christmas rice when you’re suddenly called into a meeting. Anything for the client, right?
It’s too damn brief
After all the wahala, you only get like one week of sanity before the madness starts again. Is it really worth it?
January poverty
Most importantly, everyone tries to ignore the fact that their salary might not smell January, and January has two million days. Because if you think about it, you’d just cry.
You deserve an award for all the stress you’ve gone through at your job this year. Take this quiz to find out which.
People cry at work all the time, majorly because of work stress. But here are 10 other times it’s perfectly okay to shed premium tears in the office.
When you forget your lunch at home
Do you know how painful it is to pack your lunch for work the night before only to forget it at home in the morning? Now, it’s lunchtime, and you don’t have food to eat. Just sit in one corner and cry.
When a colleague decides to sit with you during lunch
You just want to eat in peace without forming a fake conversation. The only 30 minutes you get to yourself during the entire work day, someone wants to use it to discuss how work is stressing them. God, abeg.
When your boss gives you work five minutes to closing time
It’s 5:55 p.m., and you’ve packed your bag, ready to go, but your boss decides they want to take away the shred of joy you have left. They suddenly have one big task for you to do that they couldn’t give you during the day.
Now, all the work is on your head. You’re doing their work plus yours — which is already stressful enough — for the next two weeks. And, of course, your boss won’t hear that you’re just one person with one head and two arms. They expect the same turnaround time as if two people are doing the work.
When half of the team japa
Half of the team has left the company for greener pastures in other countries. Meanwhile, you’re still here, not because you believe in Nigeria, but because you don’t have money to leave. To make it worse, your company isn’t planning to replace them anytime soon.
When your free ride isn’t going to work
You took Uber to work because the colleague you usually carpooled with fell sick. Now, ₦4,000 (your entire monthly transport budget) has left your account. In this economy?
When your Wi-Fi messes up
You’re about to get into an important meeting with a client, and your Wi-Fi says, “Not today, dear”. Everyone will now think you’re late.
When your boss comes to the office
Your boss coming to the office means more work and no peace of mind. Every five minutes, you’re being called for one thing or the other. The worst part is you can’t leave the office early.
When you send an email with typos
You’ve read this email ten times, edited it with various grammar apps and seen no errors. But after you send it to a client, copying your boss, you see, “Kind regrds”, “Plose and attached” and” Per my last emil”. It’s over for you.
When you lie to your boss, and they find out
You tell your boss you’ve done the work they gave you two weeks ago. Meanwhile, you haven’t even opened the document. Now, they’ve asked for the work, and you don’t have it. To make it worse, you have to request access from him to open the document.
