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  • Capitalism will try to make you believe success only comes to those who work hard. We beg to differ. Sometimes, doing the barest minimum brings the best results, especially at work. Here’s why.

    More work? Not your problem

    You know how they say the reward for hard work is more work? That won’t be your problem. Your employer and colleagues will be satisfied with the fact that you actually completed your work without procrastinating. 

    Your boss won’t remember you for volunteer work

    As long you dead every idea of volunteering for extra work and focus only on the work you’re paid for, no one will remember to call you when they need someone to work after hours or take meeting notes.

    …but they’ll notice when you go above and beyond

    Since everyone knows you only do what you’re paid to do, the day you decide to go above and beyond on a task, it won’t go unnoticed. Meaning you’re more likely to win “Staff of the Week” than Yetunde, who quietly does two people’s jobs every day.

    You’ll have great work-life balance

    Since you aren’t spending all your waking hours thinking about work, you’ll have time to do meaningful things, like find a boo and leave the streets.

    Also, more time for side gigs

    It’s not like your salary lasts more than one week anyway. Now, you’ll have time to pursue other things that’ll bring money into your account.

    Your employer doesn’t give a shit about you

    Whether you do the bare minimum or not, you can still get laid off if the company hits a rough patch. Plus, they only care about hitting their targets, not you as a person. Say no to capitalism.

    Nigeria doesn’t respect hard work

    If it did, politicians would be riding keke to work. But it is what it is.

    You’ll have more time for eye service

    Because we all know that is what typical Nigerian bosses really want.

    You’ll be the mysterious colleague

    Your own is to do your work and go. Office gossip? You’ll never be there.

    NEXT READ: Corporate Idan 101: How to Make Sure Your Colleagues Know Not to Try You

  • Forget whatever you experienced at the hands of your unfortunate ex; Nigerian recruiters are the OGs of ghosting. You’d think you wowed them at all five stages of the interview, only to wait for an employment letter that never comes.

    It do usually pain

    But there are ways to know when a recruiter is about to leave you on read, and that’s what I’m about to teach you.

    The job requires more than three interview stages

    Don’t think the fact that they’re calling you back for one million assessments makes you special. Any recruiter who does this is looking for a perfect candidate, and everyone knows that’s impossible. If you doubt me, just make one tiny mistake at stage seven and see if they’ll call you back.

    The recruiter wears a suit

    They’re too serious. If you make the mistake of showing up without a tie or laughing too much during the interview, it’s all over for you.

    They don’t wear a suit 

    Nine times out of ten, recruiters like this work in organisations that take “work culture” seriously. So, odds are they’ll comb through your social media before even calling you. If they find something off, ghosting straight.

    There are more than three interviewers

    Even if almost everyone on the panel likes you, one person can decide to be the instrument of your village people. 

    The recruiter compliments your fashion sense

    They think you have money and know that the ₦80k they plan to offer you can’t even pay for your Uber.

    https://twitter.com/the_kemmy/status/1663997343379628032?s=19

    They ask for your expected salary

    Whatever you respond with is liable to lead to ghosting. Too small? You don’t know your worth. Too much? You’re worth too much for them.

    Then they smile when you answer

    You probably just named a figure even the CEO doesn’t get. That’s the only reason for that smile, trust me.

    They’re too friendly during the interview

    They’re probably trying to cushion the fact that the interview is just a formality, and the CEO’s elder sister’s friend’s cousin is waiting to resume.

    Or don’t crack a smile

    They either don’t like you, or they recently fought with their spouse. Either way, it’s not looking good for you.

    They say, “We’ll get back to you.”

    They won’t.

    NEXT READ: A Day in the Life of a Frustrated Job Seeker

  • For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as someone who’s still trying to find a hustle. Daniel rants about his experiences and tells us why “unemployed” isn’t the right adjective for him.

    6:00 a.m.

    I woke up early today, as usual. No, I’m not a “go-getter” who wakes up on Monday mornings to watch motivational videos and start grinding. I’ve just realised it’s easier if my mum doesn’t wake up before me. Who wants to start their day with lectures of, “How are you going to find a job if you’re always sleeping?” In this house, we avoid wahala.

    The first thing I do is check my emails. I must have applied to at least 15 jobs in the past week, and it’s still radio silence. I’ve been actively job-seeking since I got laid off seven months ago, and a lot has changed. Before, I wouldn’t apply to jobs that didn’t state the salary in the job description, but now, let’s just say I’ve learned. But what’s with recruiters and not stating the salary? What does “competitive salary” even mean? 

    They need to know that the salary is no longer competing with anything. Do they know how much data and transportation alone cost these days? Ask Twitter people, and they’ll tell you that ₦400k doesn’t do anything in the streets anymore. Is it until I apply for a job and go through one million interviews that I’ll know the budget for the role is ₦80k? You people should pity somebody.

    12:00 p.m.

    I think there should be a level between employed and unemployed. I fall under the unemployed, but it feels like I’ve never worked so hard in my life. Job-searching is a full-time job. I just finished updating my CV and cover letter for the umpteenth time, and I’m wondering who had the bright idea to invent cover letters in the first place.

    It’s always, “Update your CV” or “Don’t use the same CV and cover letter to apply to every job so it’s tailored to the role”. Do I want to use my whole life to write CVs? Don’t I have other things I’m thinking about?

    If it’s not about updating it, it’s about how different people have what they think a good CV should look like. One said I should add a link to my LinkedIn profile. Another one said adding links in CVs isn’t good.  One will say I should add my gender, and another one will say it’s not necessary. I think we all need to come together and just create a Nigerian CV constitution because it’s not me you people will confuse.

    4:00 p.m.

    I just found an interview invite in my email, and I don’t know whether to be happy or not because I don’t even remember applying there. First, it’s in Ikeja, and we know what that could mean. It’s one of three options: It’s legit, it’s a scam, or they want to relieve me of my body parts. The other two seem more likely. But at this rate, I’ll most likely go. One thing must kill a man.

    8:00 p.m.

    Can we talk about crazy job expectations? Because I just saw one that’s doing my head in. How can you say you’re looking for a virtual assistant but require advanced software administration skills? 

    Another one I saw even asked applicants to write a 500-word letter. As per school essay?

    One day, we’ll find these companies and recruiters and show them just half the shege they’ve shown us. But till then, we keep looking. This money must be made.

    NEXT READ: A Day in the Life of Capitalism

    Don’t leave without getting your ticket to HERtitude 2023!

  • For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as Capitalism. Everyone loves to hate Capitalism, but according to him, he’s just misunderstood. Here’s a day in Capitalism’s life.

    4:00 a.m.

    I overslept today. I typically wake up by 3.40 a.m. so I can check up on my people in Lagos. Everyone claims that the people in Lagos are mad, mostly because of their roads and how they hardly sleep at home, but they’re my good friends. They really buy into my vision of working tirelessly to keep a few people stupidly rich. My enemies say they’re doing it because they’re avoiding my distant cousin, Sapa, but what’s not to love about how I run things?

    If everyone had money, wouldn’t I go against the Holy Book that said, “There will always be the poor among us”? Wouldn’t I contribute to millions of beggars losing their job in this country?

    I don’t want to think about things that’ll annoy me this morning, so I send dreams of poverty to 9-5ers, in case they think about ignoring their alarms.

    12:00 p.m.

    It’s just noon, and I’ve already done five presentations on “No matter how hard you work, you still won’t blow”. I don’t get why people just love to hate on me. All I do is burst my metaphorical ass every day to keep the wheels of society going. And what’s the thanks I get? Multiple jokes and complaints about me. This life is really not balanced.

    4:00 p.m.

    I just know some people will try to close early today — like they try to every day — so I have to put employers on alert. One “Can we have a quick chat?” here and one email there, and that should squash any early closure dream.

    But why do people these days just love to be lazy? Before, we had people who took pride in spending all day at work and never taking leave so they could spend more time with me. But now, especially with this new breed of Gen Z, no one even gives a damn anymore. That’s how one told me last week that she won’t talk to me again because of her “mental health”. What’s that?

    11:00 p.m.

    It’s been a long day, and I briefly consider retirement, but I immediately send that evil thought back into the pit of socialism. Rest is for the dead, and my job is too important. I’m even considering changing my name to “No breaks”. Capitalism sounds old, and everyone has already attached it to something terrible. 

    But can I be honest? I low-key like that most people are scared of me. Atleast if I’m not loved, I know I’m respected. They know they can’t just ghost me if they want to keep being able to afford to spend all day on TikTok. Even if they ghost me for weeks or months, they always return.

    I fall asleep, assured that I’ll always be the main character. I’ll always win. And as those spoiled Gen Z say it, that’s on period.

    GET YOUR HERTITUDE TICKETS HERE

    NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap

  • Most interview questions are unnecessary, but this five-year-plan question is the worst of all. How do you even answer it? Do you lie and say you’d still be in their company while you scream “God forbid” in your mind? Do you say you don’t know?

    Worry no more. We’ve got the perfect answers to this question.

    “I live in the moment”

    They’ll know you don’t bother yourself about things you can’t predict. You focus on solving problems here and now; isn’t that what employers want?

    “Only God knows the future”

    But honestly, how do they expect you to know? Just tell them you don’t know because you’re not God. Believe me, that’s a plus for honesty.

    “Do you people want to fire me before then?”

    They should already know you’ll likely still be in their company in five years, unless they already have plans to sack you. 

    “Five years older”

    That’s the obvious answer, but they won’t expect anyone to say this, so you’ll get points for thinking outside the box.

    “In a senior position earning a higher salary”

    The best thing about this answer is, you aren’t promising to sit down in their company. If they offer you a higher salary, great. If not, you find your level.

    “In your seat”

    Old-fashioned, but might still work for some Nigerian bosses. It’ll show you’re really ambitious and goal-oriented — words recruiters just love to hear. There’s a small chance they’ll get pissed, but what’s life without a little risk?

    “In [insert foreign country]”

    So they don’t get blindsided when you eventually japa to the country of your dreams. If they act surprised, ask them, “Be honest. Don’t you also want to japa?” They’ll stop talking and quietly offer you the job.

    “Alive and well”

    Because living in Nigeria is an extreme sport, still having air in your lungs in five years is a legit accomplishment. Every employer would relate to this.

    NEXT READ: A Monthly Public Holiday Would Increase Productivity. Here’s Why

  • Dear employers, recruiters and whoever is in charge of writing job vacancy announcements, we’re tired of seeing only job requirements and duties. It’s giving nothing.

    I took it upon myself to ask job seekers what they’d rather like to see, so you may want to answer these questions in the next job opening announcement you put out.

    What are the coworkers like?

    What’s the work culture? And no, we don’t mean putting the “We’re a family” sentence. We’re not family members. You know it, I know it. Let’s cut the crap.

    Why is the position vacant?

    Did the last three people who held this position resign in tears? Did they last three months? Before I’ll go and use my hand to sign my prison sentence.

    How many interviews will I need to do?

    These days, some recruiters state the interview procedure, but it needs to be normalised everywhere. Not that someone will apply now and hear, “Do these three assignments before you can scale through to the preliminary interview”.

    How long will the application process take?

    Will you guys reply within a month, or should I just go and sleep? At least, even if someone doesn’t fit the role, gently break up with them. Don’t ghost them.

    How much is the salary?

    This is the real star of the show. Do you think I’m applying to enter capitalism because of passion?

    Is it eye service you want?

    Because some of you will put 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. as working hours, but if an employee tries to leave work immediately it’s 5, you start squeezing face. Let’s not be unfortunate, dear.

    Does the boss’s head usually touch?

    They don’t use to shout at some of us o. If you know you’ll raise your voice because you “can’t control your passion” or you “expect excellence”, better write it there.

    Can I fall in love with my coworker?

    It’s not like we’ll set out to catch feelings, but sometimes, people want to make their work spouses their actual spouses. If it’s a no-no, write it in the job vacancies so the romantics can find love elsewhere.

    NEXT READ: The Nigerian Millennial’s Guide to Earning What You Deserve

  • INEC is collating the 2023 election results, tensions are high, and I can bet my last ₦500 that — even though you’ve had to resume work — it’s probably not the first thing on your mind today. Don’t let these colleagues add to what’s already doing you.

    The bad news amplifiers

    It’s like these ones just turned on post notifications for the most horrible news. Yes, we know everything is going to shit, but please, #ProtectYourMentalHealth.

    Team “Why do you care so much?”

    If you check it very well, they’re probably already processing their japa papers, so they don’t care what happens. Lucky for you, Angela, but this is my own future. 

    The overly serious ones

    Anyone who’s 100% focused on work today obviously isn’t normal. I said what I said.

    The suspiciously happy ones

    They might be supporters of a certain overall-best-in-rigging party. You don’t need anyone to tell you they don’t mean you well.

    The low-budget INEC officers

    They have all the figures from every polling unit in the country. On the bright side, you can always go to them for the latest, but if they’re on your work team, sorry for you because you’ll have to do their work in addition to your own.

    The tribal advocates

    Avoiding this set of people is just common sense unless you want to get tempted to slap someone’s child and embrace unemployment.

    Your boss

    Today should’ve been a public holiday. No one should have to answer to capitalism when we’re trying not to die from anxiety.

    NEXT READ: How to Keep Going as We Wait for the Election Results

  • Adulting is more than enough reason to seek therapy. Your entire life is just an endless cycle of bills and deciding what to eat.

    But you see these particular jobs? They’re so stressful, anyone who does them should automatically qualify for free therapy.

    POS operator

    Sure, they’re balling now, but they’re also fast becoming the subject of swears because of the high withdrawal charges the cash scarcity has forced them to impose. #PrayForAnOperatorToday

    Babalawo

    One day, you’re performing money rituals hitch-free. The next day, you hear the government wants to change currency. How do you tell the gods they have to start applying filter on the notes they send?

    Writer

    Especially Zikoko writers. You may already know this, but we’re not fully alright.

    TikToker

    Because it can’t be normal to dress up just to dance in front of a camera 24 hours every day.

    In fact, every content creator 

    Especially those who live in Nigeria. If NEPA isn’t acting up, it’s fuel acting like a shy bride. God, abeg.

    Tailor

    Yes, we love to hate tailors, but why would you give someone ₦5k for a corset dress? Think it na.

    Every worker in Nigeria

    Living in Nigeria is already hard. You now have to work? Sorry o.

    NEXT READ: 10 Signs a New Job Is About to Stress Your Life

  • They may deny it, but managers just love to give certain people almost all the work, as if they’re the only staff in the entire office. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s part of their job description or not. 

    If this is you and you’re sick of it, do these things to make sure your manager stops now.  

    Use jazz 

    Tell your babalawo to do an incantation that’ll erase your name from your boss’ memory every time they’re looking for someone to assign work to. The jazz has to be done well, if not they’ll also forget your name when it’s time for promotion. 

    Do a terrible job 

    Any time they give you work, do a terrible job. Do the opposite of what they ask, submit late, submit incomplete work, act like you didn’t get the assignment, etc. Eventually, they’ll get frustrated. You may get fired sha, so be ready for that too. 

    Quit 

    This may be the most efficient way to get your boss to forget about you. If you’re not an employee of the company, they can’t give you work. 

    Beg them to leave you alone 

    Be dramatic about it. Go down on your knees or roll on the floor and cry. They need to know how bad it is. Maybe then they’ll leave you alone. 

    Give them back their work 

    When they give you the work, tell them you need their help because you can’t understand it. Act confused until they do it themselves or assign it to someone else. Do this consistently, and they’ll stop thinking about you when it’s time to assign a task. Or they’ll see you as incompetent and fire you.

    Air their life 

    When they text or call you for work, don’t answer. Air them every single time and say you didn’t see the call or message. 

    Remind them your colleague is less busy 

    Sometimes, they forget there are other employees in the company, so they need to be reminded. Tell them Chidozie has been pressing phone since morning while you’ve been doing ten million things. 

    Report them to your Nigerian mother 

    Nigerian mothers don’t like seeing their children stressed (except they’re the ones doing the stressing). If your mother finds out about your boss, she’d be quick to call and change it for them. They’ll never call your name again. 

    ALSO READ: These Are the Obvious Signs You’re in Love With Your Boss

    Coming to you next week (January 31st, 2023)

  • Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead. 

    The beach

    Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for. 

    Bukka

    The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Talk About Working From Home

    Church

    When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire. 

    Forest 

    If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert. 

    RELATED: How Are Young Nigerians Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022

    On an okada 

    How else will you prove you can work under pressure and in a fast-paced environment?

    Your secondary school

    Remind yourself where you’re coming from and let it motivate you to keep pushing. Life’s tough, but you’re tougher. 

    Filling station

    Buy fuel and knock some tasks off of your to-do list. It’s killing two birds with one stone. 

    RELATED: 8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your House