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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Tina*(27) and Richard*(37) met while she was writing her exams in 2017. Their initial friendship bloomed into romance, but Richard’s distrust and desire to control her marred their bliss.

    Tina shares how what started as sweet, hours-long phone calls quickly turned into endless fights and constant explanations.  She tells Zikoko how everything unfolded and how being with Richard taught her that what she really wants is peace.

    Tell me about how you met.

    Richard and I met in September 2017. He spotted me while I was writing my 200L exams and asked his friend, one of the invigilating lecturers, about me. After the exam, my lecturer introduced us and we got talking. I was 19 at the time, while Richard was 29.

    How did you guys become an item?

    There wasn’t any official conversation about the start of our relationship. We just naturally transitioned from a platonic relationship to a more serious romantic relationship in early 2018, and that was fine with me.

    What were the early days of your relationship like?

    Initially, it was really nice.  I schooled in Calabar while he worked in Zamfara, so we were a long-distance couple. To connect, we would spend hours on the phone just talking about our lives and interests. He was really interested in my activities and would ask about my friends, my whereabouts and more.

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    How often did you see each other?

    He would visit me once or twice a semester when he had business in Calabar, and we would spend time together. Travelling that distance made me feel like he was just as invested in our relationship as I was.

    When did you start noticing any red flags?

    A few months into our relationship, I noticed Richard had started to become overbearing. If I missed his calls, I would have to explain where I was, what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I also had to explain why I didn’t call back immediately after I saw I missed a call from him.

    Wow. How did you handle his overbearing requests?

    I took it in stride. I admired him, and I felt that it wasn’t unreasonable to ask me for more responsibility when it came to communicating with him. I tried to be more open and shared my school timetable with him so he could be aware of my schedule. But we still fought over my activities.

    Can you say why?

    He didn’t like it when I did anything without telling him in advance. For example, there was a time I didn’t attend the morning mass and, on a whim, decided to attend the evening mass instead. When he called me that evening, I sent him a hasty message that I was at church and couldn’t take the call. It turned into a huge fight, and I told him he could either trust me or leave me alone.

    What was his response?

    He said it wasn’t that he didn’t trust me, but he knew what the other girls my age in school were doing, and since he couldn’t see me every day, he couldn’t help but worry I was doing the same things. Then he apologised and we made up.

    Was that the only time you had a fight over this issue?

    No, this was a recurring sore spot in our relationship. Things would go back to normal for a short while after I complained, then he would go back to being overbearing again. I didn’t mind reassuring him because we were in a long-distance relationship.

    When did the cracks start appearing in your union?

    I started noticing we had bigger issues about a year into our relationship. I had to do a year’s internship at a school as a requirement for my degree, and did it in my home state. Richard felt that being out of school would mean I had more free time for his calls or to travel to him for a visit. When I told him that wasn’t the case, it caused some friction between us. I still tried to visit it whenever I had some spare time, but then we started having sex- related issues.

    Tell me about those.

    When we started talking, I let him know that I had a strict religious upbringing, and so didn’t want to have sex until we were married. I was terrified of an unplanned pregnancy interrupting my education because abortion wasn’t an option for me.
    Richard was cool about it at first, but a year into our relationship, he started asking more often. When I refused, he would fume and say I wasn’t committing fully to him. He insinuated that I was doing it with other boys instead of him.

    Did his requests make you feel pressured?

    Yes, and I disliked it a lot because I had explained to him about my faith and fears regarding sex. Sometimes we’d make out, but he’d cross certain boundaries I had set, and it made me very uncomfortable. The worst part was that after I let him cross those boundaries, he would fling it in my face when we fought about his trust issues. 

    I told him that if he waited for me to finish my degree, we could get married and start our lives together. Richard agreed, and for a while, we were good, but then we had a huge fight in December 2019.

    What happened?

    A close friend of mine was getting married, and I was on her bridal train. This meant that I was constantly on the phone with her and my fellow bridesmaids, sorting out one thing or the other. One day in December, I missed one of his calls because I was speaking to the bride.

    I called him back immediately after, but nothing could convince him I wasn’t speaking to another man. I tried to explain myself, but he wasn’t having it.

    What did he say?

    He said many hurtful things, called me a liar, and said he was done with the relationship. I tried to communicate with him, but he said he couldn’t keep up with my “attitude.”

    What did you do?

    I tried to call his bluff by accepting his request to break up. It was like a joke to me at first, but he actually stopped taking my calls. I waited a week, and when he didn’t respond or reach out, I called him to ask if he was being serious. He said he was, and I had to accept that our relationship was over.

    How did you take the break-up?

    I was gutted. Everyone in my life knew we were together, so for the next year, while trying to heal, I had to field questions from random people about how my relationship was doing. It was a gut punch each time I had to say we had split up.

    Did you guys ever reconnect?

    Yes, Richard reached out to me at the end of 2020, saying that he missed me and wanted to give us another chance. I hadn’t gotten over him, so I gladly took him back and made an informal introduction to my family.

    How did this second attempt at making it work with Richard go?

    Honestly, it was so much worse than the first time we dated. He became even more overbearing. During the time we were apart, I had finished school, so I had done some growing and felt I could be more opinionated. Richard disagreed. He kept trying to control aspects of my life, like who I was friends with and where I was going. When I refused his control, we fought.

    He said he couldn’t have a woman in his house, he couldn’t talk to. I tried to tell him there was a difference between talking about things and controlling me, but we just couldn’t agree. Regardless of our internal issues, we were planning our wedding in 2021.

    How was that planning process?

    We fought every step of the way; we couldn’t agree on anything. Our biggest fight happened towards the end of 2021. His older brother was getting married in Kogi, and at the last minute, he asked me to attend with him. I was doing my service year at the time, so I couldn’t drop everything I was doing to be with him. He said he was fine with it and immediately withdrew emotionally as a way to punish me.

    I tried calling him and checking in on him during his trip but he didn’t respond at all. For the entire trip I kept trying to reach out to him but heard nothing back.

    How did this make you feel?

    I was so angry. Even after we had gotten back together, he was constantly accusing me of infidelity, but when it was convenient for him, he stopped taking my calls. I mentally checked out of the relationship and asked for a break-up.

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    Whoa. How did Richard take this?

    He called my family to intervene, but I had already made up my mind. The longer we spent together, the more toxic our relationship became. I didn’t want to start a family with that energy, so I opted out. We didn’t speak to each other for more than a year after that.

    What made you guys reconnect?

    He reached out to tell me that his dad passed away in 2023. I decided to try for a friendship with him because I knew how much he admired his dad. After the burial, I went to visit Richard twice, and both times, he tried to persuade me into his bed. I didn’t want to deal with the sexual pressure from him anymore and ended things finally.

    How has your love life been since then?

    It’s been very hard for me to connect with other people since I broke things off with Richard. I was seeing someone once who joked that I was “talking to other boys abi?” when I missed his call. It made me so afraid of repeating what I had with Richard that I ended things.

    Any hint that a man wants to control me or wants to know my every move makes me run for the hills. I want a partner, not a boss.

    Has Richard reached out to you since your last split?

    Yes, he calls me every three months to say he misses me and keeps trying to look for an opportunity for us to get back together.

    Is getting back together with Richard something you’re considering at all?

    No. I can’t stand how controlling he is. I’m afraid that if we try again, nothing will change, and we’d just be going back to the same problems. 

    Sometimes, I’m afraid I made the wrong choice by leaving him, but when I think about it deeply, I know that my peace of mind is worth far more than any companionship I had with Richard.

    Are you open to dating in the future?

    Yes, I just need to be reassured that he’s someone who won’t doubt me and has no desire to place me under his thumb.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Ngozi* (49) and Ada* (48) met at university and, after weathering a tragedy together, became best friends. Their friendship spanned two decades and overcame long distance, but it eventually fell apart when Ada’s behaviour changed and Ngozi realised that Ada didn’t value their sisterhood like she did.

    How did your friendship with Ada begin?

    Ada and I were members of the Catholic Forum at our university campus back in 1998. We were both executives, but we weren’t close because she was a year behind me. However, we were cordial and had worked well together.
    In 2000, Ada’s mother passed away, and I was one of the representatives from the catholic forum who attended the funeral to pass on our condolences. While there, she said something that stuck with me.

    What did she say?

    She urged us not to postpone any good thing we wanted to do for our parents who were still alive, because one could never know when they had run out of time. I decided to give her even more support as she dealt with her loss, and our friendship deepened.

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    Wow, that’s so heart-warming. What was your friendship with Ada like? 

    It was fantastic. We were basically sisters, and our friendship made our families close. I spent the holidays at hers, and she spent time with my family as well. Our friendship lasted over twenty years, and during that time, we graduated from school, got married and had kids,  but we always kept in touch. I even attended her wedding before, she and her husband moved to Uganda.

    In 2012, she and her kids came back to Nigeria because she wanted them to have Nigerian roots. They chose to move to my city in Anambra, and that made me so happy. Even though I had to miss my uncle’s burial to do so, I helped her stock food at her new apartment and helped them settle in.

    How was your friendship with Ada like after she moved back to Nigeria?

    It was as if she never left. We just picked up our sisterhood from where we left off, even her husband knew I called her “my sweetheart” affectionately. I was also her confidant because her husband stayed back in Uganda, and adjusting to a long-distance marriage was hard. However, it was shortly after she moved back that we started having issues.

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: He Only Called Me When He Wanted My Body

    What sort of issues did you have?

    Because of my strict religious upbringing, I follow strong personal principles. Ada knew this as well, so when she started cheating on her husband with a Catholic priest, she felt that I would judge her. I tried to make it clear that I didn’t judge her, but I also didn’t condone what she was doing, as it went against my personal ethics. 

    Did she accept that you weren’t judging her?

    Not at all. Ada tried to paint me as ‘better’ than her, and she started making jokes about how I was a ‘saint’, so there were things she knew she couldn’t share with me. At first, I thought this was just a normal joke between friends, but it started coming up every time we would see each other. One time, she even joked that she wished that God would give her what I have. That made me uncomfortable because to me, she and her family were much better off than mine. I was doing my Phd while her family had just completed their second building, which they rented out for extra income.

    Did you ever try to talk about it with her?

    Yes, but she would always brush it off as a joke, and I didn’t want to push it. Besides, we started quarrelling over other things.

    Tell me about that.

    One of our biggest issues was that I was the only one who reached out to Ada. Whenever she contacted me, it was because she needed me to help her do something. It was upsetting. I tried to speak to her about it, but she would always make the excuse that she was busy with her kids. My one regret was that I didn’t end the friendship during that period. Instead, we decided to give the friendship another chance. 

    Did her behaviour improve after you gave it another chance?

    No, in fact, Ada became dodgy. She opened a boutique I patronised often when she returned to Nigeria. Then one random day, I found out that she had changed to a cement business. She sold all her boutique wares on clearance but never told me about it. I felt bad about that, but I let it go. I wanted to visit her new cement shop, but every time I called to ask for the address, Ada would say she was busy or away from the store. I knew she was avoiding me, but I wanted to fight for our friendship, so I kept trying to visit her. But in 2023, she added the last straw that broke our friendship.

    What did she do?

    Ada didn’t like living in Nigeria after moving back from Uganda, and started to process her relocation to another country with her kids. I was very involved in the process and helped them facilitate a lot of the requirements they needed. I didn’t think anything of the effort I put in for her because I saw her as my sister. 

    As the time for her emigration drew closer, I kept trying to visit her so we could talk, but she continued to give excuses. I asked for the exact date she was travelling, but she dodged the question. A few days before she travelled, I tried to visit her for the last time. She kept giving excuses, and eventually her number stopped going through. I just accepted that as the end of our friendship and tried to move on.

    Did Ada try to reach out to you after she left the country?

    Yes. Two weeks after she left, she started blowing up my phone with messages asking for my forgiveness and saying she knew she had wronged me. I told her I had forgiven her, and she had nothing to worry about. She even called me after she got a job and asked me to fill out a referral form for her. I did and sent it back to her. After all, I wasn’t surprised that she reached out because she needed my help with something.

    Did she try to pretend like your friendship was the way it used to be?

    Yes, she called me on my birthday and tried to act like we were still close. I replied politely, and that was the end of that. Mentally, I have burned that bridge and I want nothing to do with her after she treated me like I was someone disposable.

    Do you regret your friendship with Ada?

    A little bit, yes. Because of my strict religious upbringing and my fear of heartbreak, I avoided casual romantic relationships with men and thought I would be safe in my platonic friendships. However, the situation with Ada broke my heart and introduced me to a pain I wanted to avoid forever.

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    How do you feel about your friendship with Ada now?

    I miss her, but I value my dignity far more than any emotional breadcrumbs she has to offer me. Although I saw her as my sister, she treated me like an acquaintance. I’ve since decided to pour myself into my other friendships and nurture the relationships that mirror the effort I put into them.

    Would you reconcile if Ada came back and promised she had changed?

    No. I don’t think our friendship can recover from the damage it has suffered. It’s sad, but I think our relationship has run its course.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Sayo* (25) and Jeremiah* (33) met online and began a whirlwind romance. Things were going smoothly until Jeremiah suddenly became cold and distant. Sayo tried to reconnect with him, but what followed was months of silence, emotional manipulation and a nasty realisation that ended their relationship.

    In this story, Sayo shares how they met, the evolution of their relationship and how she’s healing the damage to her sense of identity and self-esteem.

    How did you guys meet?

    Jeremiah and I met online in July 2023. He left a comment on a storytime post I uploaded on TikTok. He said he loved the sound of my voice, which drew me in. We started chatting regularly, and before a week had passed, we moved from TikTok DMs to WhatsApp. I was working at a supermarket then because my school was on break, so I didn’t have a lot of spare time for chatting, but I always looked forward to reading his messages when I got off work in the evenings.

    So how did you and Jeremiah start dating?

    In October 2023, he officially asked to be my boyfriend. I was taken aback by his request because I thought it was too soon. I hadn’t yet experienced any major heartbreak, but I was scared of disappointment. It took a while for him to convince me, but I finally accepted and became his girlfriend in November 2023.

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    What were the early days of your relationship like?

    It was great. Even before he asked me out, I loved the fact that I had met someone older who was supportive, especially in moments when I felt discouraged. I had to quit my job and go back to school, but the sudden distance didn’t affect us at all. He was still very supportive, and I would travel home to see him once or twice each month.

    That’s so cute. When did you start noticing issues?

    About three months after we started dating, I noticed he suddenly became distant. Jeremiah, who would previously leave multiple messages for me throughout the day, was now leaving only the odd message here and there. When I sent him messages instead, it would take him ages to respond.

    Did you try to speak with him about this change?

    Yes, I did, but he said he was very busy with work and had deadlines to meet.

    Did he change for the better?

    Not at all. I complained multiple times, but we weren’t making any progress. I understood how hectic and time-consuming work could be, but I don’t think I was asking for too much by saying he should respond to my messages or check in with me. I just wanted the assurance that I was on his mind and that he was thinking of me the same way I was thinking of him. Then, I started noticing a bigger issue.

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: He Said He Was Focusing on God, But Still Wanted to Make Out

    Tell me about that.

    I found that a while after Jeremiah suddenly changed, the only times I got to spend a few hours with him were when he wanted to have sex. He would call or send messages telling me how much he missed me and then invite me over. I was always happy to go and see my boyfriend, but when I returned to my place, he would become cold and silent again. This back and forth kept happening, and it was doing a number on my self-esteem.

    What changed for you?

    In March 2024, he went silent on me and stayed that way for a long time. Longer than he had before.

    Did you try to reach out to him?

    Yes, o. I left multiple calls and messages, but he didn’t respond to any of them. I was so scared the entire time that something bad had happened to him.

    When did you manage to get a hold of him? What did he say?

    I finally spoke with him in August 2024. He apologised and told me he had a bad work deal that caused him to withdraw into himself. He said he wasn’t mentally in a good place because of that. 

    What was your reaction to this?

    I was livid. I told him everything about me, even the secrets my best friends told me, but he never shared anything about what was going on with him, even after I left so many messages asking what was wrong. I felt like he should have been able to open up and be vulnerable with me. Instead, he tortured me emotionally and had me worrying when we could have been facing the problem together. It made me very upset and I broke up with him, which he accepted without a fight.

    Love that you stood on business. What was your relationship with him like as exes?

    We kept on chatting intermittently. Just check in messages here and there. Then one day in September, he called me and started saying how much he missed me and that he wanted me to come over to his place. When I told him I was busy with my internship and couldn’t go, he asked me to send him nude photos to tide him over since I wasn’t available. 

    Was this something you were comfortable with?

    No, it wasn’t something I was comfortable with at all, but it was the only way that I could talk to him and hold his attention, so we started exchanging nudes. Whenever he went quiet on me, I would send him photos to lure him back, but he always went quiet again after a while.

    How did this make you feel?

    I felt awful all the time and became a shadow of myself. I hated that I craved his attention so much when it was clear he was only taking advantage of my strong feelings for him.

    ‎One day in December 2024, I asked him what was going on between us, and he asked me to come to his place to discuss it and get some clarity. I didn’t think twice about it and went straight to his house.

    What did he say when you guys talked?

    He was quiet and ignored me for almost the entire day.  When he finally spoke to me, all he wanted was sex. After we got intimate, he went back to ignoring me, and we never talked about defining what we were doing again. I still thought we could find a way to make it work, but something happened that I couldn’t come back from.

    What happened?

    ‎Around May 2025, Jeremiah made a mistake. He created a group chat by accident with me and a girl he was in a talking stage with. That’s how I realised that I wasn’t the only one in his life. 

    I found myself doing something I never thought I would do in my entire life; I sent a message to the babe, trying to understand what was going on between them and explaining who I was to him.

    Did Jeremiah ever find out? How did he react?

    He took it very badly when he found out. He called me all sorts of names and called out all my insecurities. I was so hurt, and I cried so much about it. I couldn’t believe the guy I kept compromising my principles for, who I wanted to do anything to make happy, would say those horrible things to me.

    What did you do after that?

    I cut him off after the barrage of insults. His reaction forced me to face reality. Jeremiah didn’t rate me, and no matter how much I tried to be enough for him, he was ultimately the wrong person for me. I felt emotionally manipulated, and I regret keeping in contact with him after our initial split. 

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    What has life been like after ending things with Jeremiah?

    ‎I struggled with my identity and my self-esteem a lot since I kicked Jeremiah out of my life. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone, and it still bothers me to this day. I haven’t healed completely, but I am on my way there. 

    What does healing look like for you?

    ‎I stopped blaming Jeremiah, and I took responsibility for all my actions. This has helped me in my healing process. I can release all actions or habits that don’t serve me and start fresh. Thankfully, I have my mum’s support, which has been very helpful. 

    Do you see yourself falling in love anytime soon? 

    No. I still believe in love, but I want to feel fully healed and ready to open myself up emotionally again before I try to find a partner again. 

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Jessica* (22) and Femi* (28) met at the store where she worked in April 2023 and struck up a friendship that blossomed into a romantic relationship. However, after twenty months of bliss together and meeting Femi’s family, he suddenly started acting differently, and one fateful day in December 2024, he stopped communicating completely.

    In this story, she shares about their early days together, the pain of being ghosted by the man she loved, and how she is dealing with the aftermath.

    Tell me how you guys met.

    When I was 19, I was working at a store during my school break in April 2023. I noticed a familiar face, Femi, would come in to buy stuff every week. We struck up a friendly conversation the first two times he came in, and the third time, he asked for my number and we became friends.

    How did your friendship blossom into a romantic relationship?

    Femi and I just got each other. We talked a lot on the phone, and I found out he was 26 and wrapping up his education as a medical doctor. He visited the store where I worked often, and we would take walks around the estate nearby. He invited me to an art gallery a month later, and we went out for food afterwards. I followed him back to the hostel where he was staying, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I already knew I liked him a lot by then, so I said yes.

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    That sounds lovely. What were the early days of your relationship like?

    It was lovely. We got along well, but we didn’t spend much time together physically before I had to travel back to school in another state the next month. The distance had nothing on us, though. He was very intentional and made sure we kept in touch with texts and phone calls. We had a perfect balance of our friendship and romance. 

    So when did the cracks in your relationship start to appear?

    In November 2024, I travelled home to attend his induction ceremony and after-party. There, he introduced me to his family for the first time, and that’s where our issues began. 

    For context, I’m Igbo and he’s Yoruba. When I met his family, they were surprised by my ethnicity, but stayed polite the entire time. However, afterwards, I noticed that Femi’s attitude towards me completely changed. He became short-tempered and distant, and for the first time in our relationship, we were having serious arguments over little things like replying to messages late. I began to suspect that he was trying to use bad behaviour to force me to break up with him because his family didn’t want to accept my Igbo heritage.

    READ NEXT: Sunken Ships: My Ex-Friends Never Ever Congratulated Me

    Did you bring up this worry with him?

    Yes I did but he dismissed it and said I was overthinking things. So I tried to settle many of our fights because I really liked him and I wanted us to work out. However, he did something I couldn’t overlook in December 2024.

    Tell me what happened.

    We agreed that I would visit him for a few days in December before I went home to my family to spend the holidays. The first red flag I noticed was that he didn’t text me to check in while I was travelling, which was very unusual for him. The second thing I noticed was that the house didn’t look like he was expecting a visitor, it was as if I came to see him on a random day. When I got to Femi’s place, he immediately said he wanted us to talk. 

    Femi said he was having emotional issues and didn’t feel like he was in a good place mentally. I got really worried, so I asked if he wanted me to leave early, but he insisted that I stay instead. It was an awful decision. I stayed at his place for three days, and he didn’t say more than ten words to me the entire time. The more I tried to connect with him, the more distant he became. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I got upset and went home.

    Did he try to contact you after you left?

    No, he didn’t. I left him a few messages, but I didn’t hear anything back. Then, each day after, I would send more messages and try to reach him, but he wouldn’t respond at all.

    How did you take this?

    I was very worried. He had told me he wasn’t in a good place mentally, and I was afraid he had done something to hurt himself or that he needed help but didn’t know how to ask for it. I didn’t have the numbers of any of his friends or family, so I could only keep texting him and hoping he was okay. This continued till I left the next year to resume school. On a random day back at school, it dawned on me while I was trying to reach out again that this man had ghosted me. I was so hurt.

    I’m so sorry about that. What did you do next?

    I blocked him everywhere and deleted every chat, photo and video we took together. It was very difficult forme because I had a big exam at school as soon as I resumed. Navigating heartbreak and high stakes exams were not easy at all.

    I’m so sorry. What was the hardest part about this experience for you?

    It was accepting his silence. I would have preferred it if he had sent a message telling me to never contact him again. Being left on read, not knowing what was going on, was the worst part of the entire situation. It left a mark on my heart.

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    How has dating been since then?

    I haven’t been dating. The lack of any closure with Femi has made it very difficult for me to move on or open up to other people. I have this fear that they’re going to hurt or abandon me one a random Thursday the same way that Femi did. I’ve decided to take my time to heal and recover from this before trying romance again.

    Would you get back with Femi if he attempted to reconcile?

    No. I would take the closure, but what he did was wicked. I will not give him my heart again.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Yemi* (23) met Denrele* (24) at her cousin’s church in her final semester. They clicked instantly and, for a while, it seemed like they were heading toward an official relationship. 

    But things unravelled when Denrele said he couldn’t date her because he wanted to “focus on his relationship with God” while still trying to get her to come over to his place.

    How did you guys meet?

    I saw Denrele for the first time at my cousin’s church in November 2024. I was in school, wrapping up my final semester, and she invited me to a service. I went even though I don’t enjoy church services away from my home church. There, I saw a gorgeous man with fresh skin and dimples sitting in my field of view, and I was immediately smitten. When I asked, my cousin said he was their church’s keyboardist. She introduced us after the service, and I decided then and there that I was getting his number.

    I love the confidence. Did you walk up to him to ask for it?

    No, o. I got his number from my best friend who was in the choir at the church. She was hesitant to share his number at first. She said one of our mutual acquaintances was in a talking stage with him but Denrele had confided in her that it wasn’t going anywhere. So I convinced her to give it to me, and I messaged him to introduce myself the following Monday.

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    How did he respond?

    He was wary at first. He wasn’t sure who I was because we were introduced in passing, but when I complimented his smile and dimples, he became more open. We started talking regularly and arranged a meet-up at my school only three days after our first texts.

    Ah, that fast?

    Yeah! We matched each other’s energy pretty well. We talked about almost everything: past relationships, school troubles, church and more, so it was easy to say yes when he asked to meet. We hung out on campus the first two times we saw each other, and it was great. The third time we met, I went to his place and had a great time hanging out with him, but while I was there, a red flag popped up.

    Tell me about that.

    The acquaintance I mentioned earlier, who was in a talking stage with him, called. I overheard her apologising for the way she had behaved, and she asked to come to his place to see him. Denrele lied that he wasn’t home and said he was on a date. When the call ended, I told him I didn’t want to start drama with any other people he was seeing, but he quickly denied it. He said they were just friends and nothing was happening there. I told him it was obvious that she liked him but he insisted she was just being friendly and he would have a talk with her to clarify their relationship properly.

    Here’s your next read: Sunken Ships: My Ex-Friends Never Ever Congratulated Me

    Did you believe him?

    I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt even though I still had my suspicions. The following Friday, he invited me over to his place again. While there, I overheard his neighbours fighting and tried to eavesdrop at his window. When I turned back to him, he was standing very close to me and asked to kiss me. I said yes, and our first kiss made me forget any suspicions of another woman. We ended up making out for a while, which was not in my plans so I made some excuses and went home. As soon as I got back to my room, my roommates knew that something had happened between us and started teasing me about leading the church keyboardist astray. 

    Did that offend you?

    Not at all, it was funny. They kept telling me not to break his heart like I was a menace to men’s hearts.

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    Okay, what happened next?

    We started hanging out a lot. He met my close friends and family who stayed in the city, and it was becoming more and more obvious to other people that we were a thing, even though we weren’t official. In December, I had to go home to my parents in Lagos because my school went on strike, so this meant Denrele and I were mostly speaking on the phone.

    Did the time apart affect your relationship with him?

    Not at first. We were speaking on the phone and texting into the new year. In January 2025, before I went back to school, I asked him to clarify where our relationship was going because we acted like more than friends. His reply surprised me.

    What did he say?

    He said he would prefer to have that conversation with me in person so we should wait till after the strike was called off. That answer satisfied me at first but then, an old flame I had an on and off relationship with invited me out while I was in Lagos and kissed me. I didn’t know if I should have felt bad about it because Denrele and I were still unlabelled. 

    Did you bring up the topic with Denrele again?

    Yes, I did, and I was insistent this time. I told him I don’t like unlabelled situationships, and I wanted to know what we were doing. That was when he told me he couldn’t be in a romantic relationship because he wanted to focus on God and grow his relationship with Him.

    Ah.

    I was shocked too. Denrele was always the one to initiate any hangouts or intimate moments we had, so it was surprising to me that his excuse was that he wanted to focus on his spirituality. I told him that it didn’t work for me, and we should return to being casual friends.

    How did he take that?

    Denrele refused. He said he couldn’t go back to being just friends with me because he was in love with me. That shocked me even more. I didn’t think we had enough history for love to come into the picture but he said he couldn’t let me go and he wanted me in his life. I was still confused about what to do so I went to vent to my best friend and that’s when more information started coming to light.

    What did you find out?

    Apparently, the “focusing on God” line is his catchphrase. When I told my best friend, she said the conversation sounded familiar and went to check her chats. That’s when I found out that he said almost the exact thing to the girl who was trying to come over the first time I went to his place. While he was telling me that he would clarify their relationship, he was telling her that he couldn’t continue with her because he was focusing on his relationship with God. My best friend got screenshots of his conversation with the babe, and when we compared it with mine, the only difference was that he didn’t tell her he was in love with her. I was stunned.

    What did you do after this?

    Nothing. They called off the strike right after, and I resumed school. When I went to church, he acted friendly and like nothing had happened. We had reduced our communication after I found out he was telling the other girl the same thing he told me, but after he saw me in church, he ramped up the number of texts he sent me. 

    What was he saying?

    He kept asking me to come over and saying how much he loved and missed me. I had already mentally checked out by then, but I had wrapped up my semester and was going back home to Lagos in a few days. So I went to see him one last time for closure but I didn’t tell him it was the last time. 

    I told him I was going back to Lagos permanently a few days later and he started begging me to come over again. Unfortunately for him, I was already in the bus home when he sent me that.

    Did he reach out to you after you got back to Lagos?

    Yes, he did, but I’ve put that chapter with him behind me. I’m now looking to the Lagos men to satisfy my romantic needs. That’s a story for another day, sha.

    Would you get back together with Denrele if he reached out?

    No. Like I said, I’ve put that relationship behind me. But if he ever did, I’d tell him that I, too, want to focus on my relationship with God.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Esther* (22) and Dide* (21) had been close since SS3. But as Dide and her boyfriend rose to fame as a celebrity couple, Esther found herself putting in all the effort to maintain their friendship. 

    In this story, Esther shares how their friendship declined, what made her decide to pull back, and if she’d reconcile with Dide if she got the chance.

    Let’s start at the beginning. How did you and Dide meet?

    We met in secondary school. We weren’t close then, but after secondary school, we reconnected and became very good friends despite attending different universities. After a while, other people started referring to us as best friends and we went along with it.

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    How was your friendship with Dide like?

    It was great. We used to visit each other very often, and even our families knew each other because of how much time we spent visiting. But even though we were very close, our friendship experienced a lot of strain.

    How do you mean?

    Dide had a history of bad romantic experiences and that meant if we disagreed over the way her partner treated her, she would ghost me for a while. I always took her back with open arms when she tried to reconcile, because I know how hard it is to see reason when you’re in love. 

    Can you give me an example of this?

    In 2020, she told me about a new boy she was dating. From her description, he was basically perfect, and I was happy for her. A few months down the line, she started saying that he was abusing her physically, verbally and emotionally. Of course, the first thing I told her to do was leave him, but she kept making excuses or changing the subject.

    READ NEXT: Sunken Ships: Her Obsession With Becoming A Pastor’s Wife Ruined Our Friendship

    Whoa. How did you handle that?

    I tried to encourage her and be there for her. So I was the one she’d call when she needed to cry about the situation or needed a pick-me-up. She’d complain he was toxic, but still stayed with him. She even called me early in the morning during one their arguments, where they were screaming insults at each other. Her boyfriend would also report her to me regularly. It was a lot of emotional labour for me.

    Did you ever mention that to Dide?

    No, but I never got the chance. In 2021, Dide and her toxic boyfriend began making couple content on social media and quickly grew a large following. With her newfound popularity, Dide had fewer pockets of free time for us to speak. 

    Did this have an effect on your friendship with her?

    Absolutely. I felt like I was competing for space in her life. I also felt weird because I disliked the way her boyfriend treated her behind closed doors, but they presented such a good image on social media. I was determined to support her and make sure she didn’t feel alone, so I would call her often and send check-in messages. I tried to remind her she was beautiful and she had the strength to leave him but she wouldn’t take most of my calls and only replied to me days or even weeks later.

    Did she ever apologise for her sporadic communication?

    Sometimes she would. She’d give the excuse that she was really busy and that was why she missed messages. But I saw her hang out with her influencer friends on a daily basis on her social media. I eventually took the hint and stopped reaching out entirely. 

    Did she notice this and try to reach out to you more?

    I can’t say she did. She would only call me if she was having a bad time with her man, and once I’d consoled her, she’d disappear again. Even if I tried to check in on her afterwards, she wouldn’t respond to my messages. It felt more and more like I was doing too much.

    Dide and her man broke up and got back together privately so many times, I lost count. One of the few times we spoke about it, she told me that she felt she couldn’t break up with her toxic man because of how popular they had become online.

    At what point would you say the friendship began to decline?

    Later in 2021. I noticed that every time we had spoken, it was because I had reached out. I also noticed she had unfollowed me on Instagram. It hurt, but I kept it moving. 

    Then, in May 2022, she posted an old video of us, and people started reaching out to tell me about it and to ask if Dide and I were friends. This made me reach out to her, and we spoke for a bit on the phone, during which she told me her toxic boyfriend had broken up with her a few months before.

    What was your reaction?

    I was so happy for her. The emotional turmoil of that relationship totally changed Dide from the girl I used to know in secondary school. At the time, she hadn’t posted about the break up online but something happened that brought it all to light.

    Tell me what happened.

    Her ex got married to another person without notice which caused a lot of speculation from their online community. Even when I texted her about it, it took a while for her to respond.  She felt insecure about posting online when it happened. There was commentary from all sides when that went down but I tried to stay by her side and encourage her.

    What happened next?

    Like clockwork, we lost touch again. She got caught up in her influencer activities and didn’t have time for me, but I was used to it. Then one day in 2023, I was online and I saw photos implying she had gotten back together with the same ex that left her for someone else. I was confused.

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    Ah! Did you reach out to her?

    Immediately! I couldn’t believe my eyes. When he first left her, I made sure to confront him online for what he did, so I didn’t imagine they’d get back together. 

    What did she say when you reached out?

    She said she didn’t appreciate me commenting on business that wasn’t mine. She said I should mind my business, and the only reason she didn’t block me for asking about it was our longstanding friendship. So I pulled back and didn’t reach out to her after that.

    Did you guys ever speak after that argument?

    Yeah. I posted something on my WhatsApp status, and she reacted to it. I called her to catch up, and she promised to call me back later, but she never did. When her birthday came around, I sent her well wishes as proof that I had forgiven her, but she never responded. At that point, I had to accept that she no longer considered me a friend. We haven’t been in contact since then. 

    Do you think you guys could still be friends if she came back to apologise?

    Funny enough, yes. I love her enough that I’m willing to continue our friendship, but only on the condition that she starts pulling her weight. I’m not interested in a one-sided thing anymore.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Romade* (27) and Tinu*(27)  became fast friends in secondary school. They shared everything together, but everything changed when they got to university. What started as small, subtle betrayals spiralled into a pattern of theft, gaslighting, and disrespect that Romade couldn’t ignore. 

    In this Sunken Ships story, she shares how years of friendship came crashing down when she realised her best friend had no respect for her boundaries or her belongings.

    How did your friendship with Tinu start?

    We sat beside each other in secondary school back in 2008, and our friendship developed over the year. I would visit her on weekends and during the holidays, and she would do the same. Our friendship continued even in university.

    What was your friendship like?

    We were great friends at first. We shared everything; our clothes, books,  food, you name it. We never had any big issues until we got to 200L in 2017.

    Tell me about that.

    Tinu came to my house for a sleepover and left the next day. Afterwards, I started looking for my favourite blouse. I just assumed that I had left it in school, or it was with my other dirty clothes. I went back to school a few days later, and I saw a girl I didn’t know wearing the exact blouse but I thought it was just a coincidence. I went to visit Tinu at her hostel later that day, and the same girl came to return the blouse to her. She also thanked Tinu for letting her borrow it. I was shocked, but I waited for her to leave before talking to Tinu about it. I wasn’t comfortable sharing my clothes with people I wasn’t close to at all, and I told Tinu that.

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    How did Tinu take it?

    She apologised profusely and promised to ask my permission before taking anything in the future. I took the blouse back home and thought that was the end of that, but I was wrong.

    What happened after that?

    I started noticing that each time Tinu visited me, she would take something she thought I wouldn’t notice. For example, a few months after the blouse incident, I was cleaning my makeup brushes when I noticed that I was missing more than half of them. I figured I had been careless with them and lost them, so I put it out of my mind. Only for me to visit Tinu at her house and see my makeup brushes in front of her mirror. I got upset and told her again that I didn’t like that she would take my things without asking first. She apologised and said she only took them because she didn’t think I would mind. 

    Another time, she came to my room in school and took my tin of milk. I thought I was going crazy until my roommate told me Tinu took it with her. When I called her to tell her off for it, she said, ”Is it because of milk you’re shouting?”

    That was disrespectful.

    Exactly. I was very angry with her after that, and I didn’t speak to her for a while. Then she told my mum, who tried to get us to make up, and I agreed because I considered the years of our friendship. I probably would have been able to put it behind me, but she did it again, and this time I was very annoyed.

    What did she do?

    In 2018, my cousin was getting married and I was one of her aso-ebi ladies for the traditional rites, so I had bought the ankara for my outfit a few months in advance. About a month before the ceremony, I wanted to take the fabric to a tailor, but I couldn’t find it. It wasn’t something I moved around with; it was only ever in my room at home. I was frustrated, and I was talking to Tinu about it on the phone when she flippantly said she had taken the fabric from my room because she liked it.

    READ NEXT: Sunken Ships: Her Obsession With Becoming A Pastor’s Wife Ruined Our Friendship

    Wow. How did you react to that?

    I got really upset and blew up on the phone. Instead of apologising, she told me I was overreacting and that she had noticed I was becoming tight-fisted. I tried to explain to her that if she had asked me for the fabric, I would have told her it was for a wedding and she wasn’t allowed to take it. She didn’t see my side of things at all, said I was being rude to her and hung up the phone.

    What did you do after that?

    I sent her a text right after that she wasn’t allowed to visit me at home or at my hostel anymore. I told her that she wasn’t respectful of my boundaries or my belongings and if she didn’t change, I didn’t want her in my space.

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    What was her response?

    Tinu got upset at my text and replied, saying she would return all my things with her since I wanted to be a selfish friend. A few days later, she brought them to my room in school in a bag, and I was shocked at how many of my things this girl had taken. 

    All the things I thought I had lost, like powders, make-up brushes, eyeshadow pallets, perfumes, clothes, and earrings, were there. This babe was holding on to maybe a third of all my make-up and accessories, which made me angry all over again. We got into another argument over it and stopped talking. Our friendship never recovered from that.

    Did you guys try to make up after that?

    At some point in 2019, when our mums noticed the distance between us, they tried to mediate the matter, but I was adamant. I didn’t see myself being friends with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries the way Tinu did. Sometime during the lockdown, she sent a text saying she missed our friendship, but I ignored the message.

    What’s the state of your friendship with her now?

    We’ve drifted apart since then; she’s more of an acquaintance now. We haven’t visited each other since the wedding fabric incident in 2018. I’ve only spoken to her on the phone once since I aired the message she sent to me during the lockdown.

    Would you be interested in reconciling with her at some point in the future?

    No. I don’t want to be doing an audit of my property every single time a so-called friend visits me. I never took anything of hers without asking her permission, so her entitlement to my belongings was too annoying for me to deal with. I think we’re better off apart.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Ada* (21) and Tolu* (19) met on Twitter, and their relationship blossomed from their first interaction.
    However, their relationship began to crack under the weight of their differing expectations, personalities, and a mistake with an ex that changed everything.

    Tell me how you guys met

    We started talking on Twitter in May 2023. Tolu posted a hot photo, and I commented, “Take my life” under it. A week later, she texted me, and we started getting to know each other.

    That’s so cute. When did you guys start dating officially?

    It took a while before we became official. We were texting and flirting in the dms for months then I asked her out in June as a way to celebrate Pride Month and of course, she said yes.

    You guys were real lovers. What were your early days together like?

    We were actually long-distance when we started dating. Tolu went to school outside of Lagos, so we were just communicating over the phone. She would travel from school to come and see me sometimes, but we would always get a hotel because she wasn’t comfortable staying with me at my parents’ house.

    Did her discomfort over this cause any issues between you?

    If it was just that she didn’t like staying at my parents’ side, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but we butted heads over other issues.

    Tell me about them

    The first issue we had was our opposite personalities. She was really introverted and liked being indoors, while I’m an extrovert who loves going out and socialising. 

    She’s also more closeted than I am, so she was insecure about being seen in public with me. This meant all our dates were indoors to accommodate her reservedness. Tolu was also still in university, so that meant I had to foot the bills for all the hotel stays and food we ate, even though I didn’t earn a lot.

    Another thing was that she didn’t like to be seen with me. She wouldn’t even go on a walk with me in the street to buy the food we ate at the hotels we stayed at. I didn’t mind it at first, but as our relationship went on, it became clear to me that she wasn’t willing to make any adjustments for me the way that I did for her.

    Did you ever talk to her about it?

    Yes, I raised the issue several times, and each time, she would promise to do better and put some more effort into sharing my interests, but she never did.


    Once, she promised to go to a rave with me, and I was really excited about it. It was going to be the first time that she and I would be outside together at a party. Tolu ended up cancelling on me the day of the rave. She said she had an emergency come up, and I was so disappointed. Her refusal to go on outdoor dates upset me a lot because she didn’t seem to have that problem with her friends.

    She went out a lot with her friends?

    Yes, o. She and her friends went out a lot and she looked like she had a lot of fun when she did. I just wish she showed that side of herself when it came to our own dates.

    When did you decide you’d had enough?

    I didn’t initially decide that I’d had enough. I really liked her and I was willing to keep accommodating her excesses but I made a mistake. It was that mistake that made me realise I needed to leave the relationship.

    What did you do?

    I cheated on Tolu. It wasn’t a deliberate act on my part. I reconnected with an old flame, Sarah*, at one of the raves I went to, and we started flirting. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were in bed together. I felt awful afterwards because I had never cheated on anyone before. 

    Did you tell Tolu about it?

    Not at first. I was conflicted about what I had done. I asked a bunch of my friends for advice, but they weren’t telling me anything helpful. On one hand, I really liked Tolu, but she didn’t want to be seen with me at all. Sarah, on the other hand, loved being seen with me, touching me in public and all that lovey stuff. I tried to talk to Tolu again to see if we could find a middle ground between my outgoing personality and her reserved one, but she wasn’t willing to compromise.

    After thinking deeply about it, I decided to up with Tolu.

    How did she take it?

    She didn’t take it well at first. She sent a two page apology promising to change and do better. Then she started expressing concern for my health and asking to meet up but I stood on business.

    Did you move on with Sarah?

    Yeah, we started seeing each other regularly, but that’s a story for another day.

    Would you get back together with Tolu if she showed you she had changed and was willing to go out on dates with you?

    No, I think she’s in my past now. I’ve moved on to other people and other experiences and I don’t want to be disappointed if she decides to go back to how she used to be.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Business and pleasure shouldn’t mix, but when Tiwa* (21) met her colleague Bidemi* (24), the spark was too strong to ignore. 

    Flirty texts became a full-blown, exclusive office romance until the presence of a very attached flatmate scattered everything Tiwa thought she knew about their relationship.

    Let’s start at the beginning. Where did you guys meet?

    We met at the office in October 2023, when she joined as a graduate intern. She’s masc presenting, dresses well and is very good-looking, and I was immediately smitten. I strategically positioned myself to be her friend in the office, so I would compliment her anytime we ran into each other in the cafe.

    Aw, that’s so cute. How did that initial attraction grow into a relationship?

    Apparently, she had been noticing me around the office as well, but she was too shy to approach me. Once, while we were leaving the office, one of her friends gingered her to collect my phone number, and that’s how we started talking. We didn’t start dating immediately; we just flirted heavily.

    What were the early days like?

    It was hot and cold. We’d flirt a lot on the phone, but she would be withdrawn when I saw her at work, so I ghosted her for a bit. 

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    Whoa, wasn’t that extreme?

    Not to me. I didn’t expect her to be clingy at work, but she wouldn’t even publicly acknowledge me, which was weird. I figured I’d hear her out when she was ready to be more mature about what we were doing.

    How did she take it?

    Her reaction was so cute. She came to my office block, which was far from hers, and demanded a lunch date to talk things over.

    That sounds delightful.

    Yeah, we moved pretty quickly from then. We went on many more lunch dates at the office. Our coworkers even began to suspect our closeness because we always hung out or stayed at the office to talk. But we didn’t care, we had each other, and we loved it. Cracks started appearing in our relationship after a while.

    Tell me what happened.

    Things got more serious between us, and Bidemi started getting jealous. I’m not a very jealous person, but she wanted me to cut off other romantic interests. I didn’t mind doing this, but the problem was that she wasn’t willing to do the same. I disliked the double standard. It led to some fights between us, and we broke up for a month.

    Oh no.

    We missed each other so much that we started texting again. Before you know it, texting meant going on a movie date, which ended at her place with me in her bed. And just like that, we were back together.

    Why did you agree to get back together with her?

    I couldn’t stand having her sound the way she did with me with anyone else. The sex was amazing, and it clouded my better judgment. She asked me out when we were done, and I said yes. We became exclusive that day and continued our relationship. I thought this meant we were stronger than ever, but we kept having fights.

    What did you guys fight about?

    When we became exclusive, I cut off everyone I was talking to and focused on my babe. I expected her to do the same, but she didn’t. I even tried to accommodate her by not getting upset at her constant flirting with other people. She wasn’t seeing them, right?  I was so wrong.

    If you enjoyed this, you’ll also enjoy: Sunken Ships: My Mother Abandoned Me, But Chose to Raise My Brother

    How so?

    Little did I know that the major problem in our relationship would be her flatmate, Sarah*. They had moved in together a year ago during their NYSC. I didn’t have an issue with that, but my main problem was that Sarah was obviously in love with Bidemi, which caused a lot of friction in our relationship.

    Can you give me an example?

    I have too many. Bidemi would leave in the middle of dates to care for Sarah if she had cramps. Bidemi once left my house at 2:00 am because Sarah was scared that someone had broken in. It used to make my brain itch at how ready she was to drop everything for this babe. How does a five-foot-something babe want to protect you from an intruder?

    Did you ever try to bring this up with Bidemi?

    I never pushed too hard because I thought Sarah was straight and their friendship was close. I didn’t want to be the evil girlfriend telling her babe to cut off her friends. I held my peace until December 2024, when everything scattered.

    What happened that December?

    I gave Bidemi a surprise visit for our first year anniversary and walked into a heartbreaking sight. Bidemi and Sarah were having a genital meet and greet. To make matters worse, my girlfriend was being topped — a thing she never let me do.

    That must have been awful.

    It was so bad. I told Sarah off for coming between Bidemi and me, and surprisingly, she changed it for me. She said I was the one who came between her and Bidemi. She said they had been together since they got a place together, and Bidemi was only with me because she wanted to prove a point.

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    Ah. What was Bidemi saying in all this?

    She just kept telling me to leave and that she would see me later. She said it wasn’t what I thought it was. I barged out, and that was the end for me in my mind.

    Did Bidemi ever reach out after that?

    Yeah, she came to my house a week after, and I asked to clear up the entire drama. It was then that she admitted that she was polyamorous and was nurturing multiple relationships.

    How did you respond to that?

    I just laughed. I thought it was so convenient to get caught cheating and start claiming polyamory. We had sex one last time — it was amazing— and I cut off all contact with her.

    I love that you stood on business. Has she tried to hit you up after that?

    She tries every once in a while, but I shut it down, abeg. I can’t be with someone so emotionally chaotic and dishonest. I’m focused on myself right now and loving it.

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  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    What do you do when love shows up before you’re ready for it? 

    When Evelyn*(28) started dating Dami*(30), she was sure she was ready for something serious. She didn’t mean to break Dami’s heart, but when it came down to choosing between vulnerability and silence, she froze. Now she mourns the end of their relationship.

    How did you meet Dami?

    I met him at a mutual friend’s house in October 2021. I was going there to charge my devices because I didn’t have light at my side. It turned out that we lived in the same area, so he was also there to charge his laptop. We started talking, and even though we had just met, it felt like talking to an old friend. We exchanged numbers and started talking every day.

    That’s so cute. How did you guys start dating?

    On Valentine’s Day in 2022, he sent me a box of cupcakes with an adorable card attached asking me to be his girlfriend. Of course, I said yes.

    What was dating him like?

    He was the perfect romantic boyfriend. He would come to see me often, pick flowers that grew on the roadside for me when we walked past them, and he always opened doors for me. He was attentive and sweet, and I daydreamed about spending forever with him.

    So what was the problem?

    Unfortunately, I was the problem. In June 2022, Dami sat me down and told me he was serious about our relationship and wanted us to get married in a few years. He asked for my preferred timeline, and my mind drew a blank. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, but I was afraid of what a permanent relationship like a marriage would be like with the two of us. So I told him I’d get back to him on the timeline and started ghosting him.

    Whoa. How did he take it?

    He was very worried at first.  He would try to reach me by calling or texting several times, but I would air them for hours or days after. Once, he sent me a voice message asking if he had offended me because my attitude toward him had changed so much. I never answered it. Later, he was just angry and sad.

    Why didn’t you talk to him about feeling overwhelmed?

    I didn’t want him to look at me and see a weak person with emotional issues. I thought I could handle it, and we would eventually bounce back, but that never happened. My indecisiveness went on for months, and things got worse.

    How so?

    Dami finally had enough in January 2023. I was supposed to spend crossover night with him but I ghosted him again. He left me a bitter voice message that night saying he didn’t think I cared about him and that we should take some time away from our relationship. I didn’t respond to that message either.

    What was going through your mind when you left his messages unanswered?

    Nothing sinister. I thought I’d have a better response at a later time, so I kept procrastinating. I felt terrible when he sent me messages talking about how sad my coldness made him. However, being vulnerable with him was too scary for me to handle, so I thought it would be easier to avoid the feelings entirely.

    Was it easier?

    Not really. It’s more like the feelings were suppressed and every time I try to resolve them, I’d get overwhelmed.

    How did you handle the break-up?

    Like I said, I didn’t respond to his break-up message. I hoped that we would somehow find our way back to each other, and I left the issue alone for a few months. When I tried to talk to my friend about it, she said I needed therapy and if I wasn’t going to be emotionally present for my boyfriend, then I was better off single. Her statement stung, but it rang true. I have remained single since then, and I’ve been seeing a therapist when I can afford it. It’s been helping a little.

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    What about Dami?

    Dami moved on and started posting a babe that I assume is his new girlfriend on Instagram in late 2024. I’ve been getting terribly jealous even though I know I don’t have the right to be. I’m glad he’s happy, but I wish things had gone differently and he could have been that sort of happy with me.

    Would you get back together with him if you had the chance to?

    If my therapist tells me that I’m no longer emotionally avoidant, I’ll run back to Dami immediately. I wouldn’t get back together with him otherwise. He deserves happiness, and when he was with me, I don’t think I gave him that.

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