Excerpt: Blood is thicker than water, but I can’t keep saving him.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
For over four decades, Gani* (64) has watched his brother, Sanni* (60), abandon his responsibilities with little consequence; from leaving apprenticeships to walking out on his wives and child.
After years of cleaning up his messes, he finally reached a breaking point. When Sanni called on his birthday in 2023 with yet another request, it was the last straw.
What was the moment that made you realise you had to cut off your brother?
I had the bitter realisation in June 2023. I thought Sanni was calling me to wish me a happy birthday, but as soon as we were done exchanging pleasantries, he asked if he could come to Ife to spend two months with me and my family. I wanted to say “yes”, then I remembered this was his M.O. when he wanted to abandon his family and make them my responsibility. So I told him to lose my number.
Wow. What was your relationship with your brother like growing up?
We were very close growing up. My father had three wives and sixteen children; we had no choice but to have each other’s backs in that house. Together, we dodged the rival wives and their unfair punishments as much as we could. The big issue was our mother coddled us a lot to compensate for the bad treatment we suffered from our father and the other wives. I don’t think it had such a harmful effect on me, but it ruined my brother’s capacity to be accountable.
How do you mean?
I remember my father telling my mother that he could only afford to train one child from each wife to the secondary school certificate level. Being the first son, I was automatically chosen, and my brother had to work on the farm with our other half-siblings, who didn’t get to go to school.
Did this affect your relationship with him negatively?
No. My mother assured us that once I left school and started working, I would send Sanni to school, so all he had to do was wait. I hated seeing my brother out of school, though, so when I was in Form 3, I begged my father for one of his plantain trees so I could sell its fruit for extra money. He agreed, and after school, I hawked them and saved up the money for Sanni’s education.
My mother was touched by this and chipped in to buy him a uniform. The next year, when I moved to Form 4, Sanni started attending school.
Was it great being in school with your brother?
At first, I was very happy, but things quickly went sour. Sanni hated school. He didn’t have the patience to sit down and learn anything, so he would usually sneak out of his classes. I would beat him when I found out, but my mum would always sneak a big piece of meat or fish into his food that evening to make him feel better. If I complained she was spoiling him, she would say I shouldn’t kill her child for her. We had these problems till he graduated from secondary school in 1983.
Did things get better with Sanni after you both finished school?
Not at all. While I got a scholarship to a polytechnic in 1979 to continue my tertiary education, Sanni had no interest in school. When he graduated he told my parents he wanted to become an apprentice instead, so he started learning with a vulcaniser nearby. He couldn’t commit to his learning and stopped going soon after. He did the same start-and-stop with several other apprenticeships my mother struggled to get him into.
How did this make you feel?
I only heard about these when I came home to visit from school. It annoyed me because I thought he would feel a better sense of responsibility. Not only so he could stand on his own, but so he could chip in to care for our mum because I wanted her to stop going to the farm all the time.
Did you try to speak with him about this?
Several times. But it was like all my words were going into one ear and coming out of the other.
Did he improve his behaviour at all?
He finally finished an apprenticeship as an electrician in the early 90s, and I was relieved. We both got married in 1995 and 1997, respectively, and I relaxed, thinking we had entered the grown-up phases of our lives. I was a factory floor manager in Osun while my brother fixed fridges and other appliances in Akure.
I thought we were doing okay, so I thought nothing of it when my brother called me in 2003 and asked if he could spend a few weeks with me because he was looking to rent a shop in Ife.
How did you take this request?
I was happy to have him come around. I was also happy at the thought of him and his family living close by so we could spend more time together.
He came to my house in January 2003, just after the New Year’s celebrations. A few weeks turned into a few months, and I began to question if Sanni was actually looking for a shop to rent.
Did you try to nudge him for more information?
Yes, I did. He would complain about the rent or say he hadn’t found a good location yet. I pressed him about his family, but he said they were doing well without him. I believed him till I got a call at work one day in May. It was from my sister-in-law.
What did she say?
She was in tears. At the start of the year, Sanni had told her he was going to visit my mother for a few days in Ikare and he would be back with their rent and she hadn’t seen or heard from him after that. I was shocked.
She and my niece hadn’t eaten in days because they didn’t have any more money, and the landlord was breathing down her neck. I quickly organised for one of my younger half-sisters at home to take some money to her and promised to sort out the rent issue.
Did you confront your brother?
I left work early just so I could give him a piece of my mind. I was irritated by his actions.
What was your brother’s explanation?
He gave me a flimsy excuse, saying he felt under a lot of pressure and just needed some time to figure out what he wanted to do. I told him our sister had to take money to his wife because his child hadn’t eaten for days, and he just gave me a sheepish look. I told him he was leaving my house the next day.
How did he take that?
I don’t know, I was too angry to care. I gave him the money for his rent and warned him about taking things more seriously. He assured me that he would make better choices and work harder. Three months later, I started getting letters and calls from my in laws. My brother had married another woman and was living with her.
Ah. How?
I had the same question. Apparently, my brother’s new lady friend was from a well-off family and was showering him with gifts, so he left his family high and dry and went to live with her. I couldn’t believe my ears. So I called a family meeting and travelled to Ondo to see for myself.
How did the meeting go?
It was a disaster. My brother attended with his new wife. He smugly declared he wasn’t interested in his first marriage any longer and that he and his new woman would start a new family. Chaos ensued. Unfortunately, my mother supported my brother. She said we couldn’t force him to stay in his marriage if he wasn’t happy.
Omo. What did your in-laws say?
They said they wouldn’t beg anyone to marry their daughter and took her and my niece back with them. I felt embarrassed by my brother’s actions and offered to pay for my niece’s education. My in-laws accepted, and that cooled tensions between our families a little.
Did this incident strain your relationship with your brother?
Yes, it did. I was very disappointed in him. I think he sensed this because he begged and asked that he and his new wife come to visit me in Ife. I grudgingly agreed.
How did that visit go?
They spent a week with my family and me. It wasn’t bad at all. Sanni seemed so happy with his new wife that I was starting to warm up to him again. It only took a year for Sanni to run away from her too.
What happened?
He ran to my house again in September 2004 and said he couldn’t continue with that marriage because she had a high sex drive he couldn’t match. I told him I couldn’t let him stay with me because I didn’t want issues with the new in-laws, and he took that as a betrayal. He went to stay with my mum instead, who pampered him and told him not to worry, to my annoyance.
How did your in-laws take this?
They hounded me for months to mediate, but I was determined not to get involved, so I offered to put his second wife on a small allowance till she remarried or didn’t need it anymore. My in-laws agreed, and that was the “end” of that marriage.
Did you reach out to your mother to speak to your brother?
No. I was sure she supported whatever nonsense my brother was up to. I wanted to wash my hands of the matter entirely, so I said nothing. Even that December, when we went to Ondo to visit my mum, I didn’t ask after his wife or how their marriage was doing. I just focused on my mum.
Did your brother try to patch things up with you?
Many times, he bought a cell phone and would send me texts about us being stronger together, and other texts begging us to get back to being close.
Did your relationship with him improve at all?
Our relationship changed for the better around 2008. Sanni remarried another lady, a nice girl from our village, in 2007. He seemed to take his electrician work seriously. Their rent was always paid, and they had twin boys in 2009. Sanni was over the moon. He was even saving up to buy a piece of land. I was proud of my little brother.
What changed?
The usual, he suddenly got restless. His wife called me in 2019 and said she was afraid because my brother wanted to close up his electrician business to become a prophet. I was confused.
Did you try to ask him what that was about?
I didn’t even want to know his rationale. I called him and told him that if he abandoned this new family, I would disown him.
How did he react?
I think it scared him because he stopped talking about prophets and prophecies and went back to work. I thought all was well until 2023.
Tell me what happened.
He called me on my birthday, and we talked for a bit. As soon as we were done with the small talk, he asked if he could visit and spend a few months at my house. I wanted to say yes at first, but I remembered the last two times he paid me a long visit. I knew he was planning another one of his abandonment routines, so I told him to delete my number.
How did he react?
He became angry and insulted me. He claimed that since our mother passed away in 2010, I had been looking for a way to cut him off. He also claimed that I was a bad older brother for not allowing him to heed God’s call.
How did you react to that?
His insults rolled off me like water off a duck’s back. At the time, I was paying his second wife’s monthly stipends and still seeing my niece through school. I still had my own family to think about. I wasn’t willing to take up even one more of his responsibilities. I insisted that if he was truly angry with me, he would delete my number and chase his dream regardless, but I wasn’t housing him for any reason.
What has your relationship with him been like since then?
We’ve become distant. It feels like our relationship is hollow. Sanni is still with his family, but I’m afraid that it’s only a matter of time before he tries to abandon them again. He complains to my wife sometimes about feeling bad for ignoring God’s call to life as a prophet, but I don’t care. If distancing myself is the only way he will learn, then so be it.
Do you think your relationship with him could recover?
Yes, but I need to see that he’s serious about taking care of his family. His lack of accountability as a man has far-reaching consequences. He has to learn to see things through. I hope he’s learning his lesson.
If you could change one thing about this situation with your brother, what would it be?
I would have put my foot down more when we were children. Letting my mum reinforce that he could dodge the consequences of his actions is why we’re where we are today. I love my brother dearly, but these dodgy habits are something I can no longer accept. We’re getting too old for this.
Hey, if you’d like to share your own #SunkenShips story with Zikoko, fill out this form!
