Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
When Nedu* (32) helped Tope* (31) pack her bags to start a new life abroad, he believed their love could survive anything, even the distance.
In this Sunken Ships, he shares how unspoken expectations, a tragic loss and long distance spelt the end of a relationship he thought would last forever.
How did you know your relationship with Tope was on the rocks?
When she started planning to relocate abroad, I knew that our time together was running out. We had an elephant in the room that I didn’t notice until it was too late to save us.
Whoa. Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me how you and Tope met.
A mutual friend introduced us in Ibadan in 2017. I was in the city for my Master’s, and I lived with my friend for a while before I got a space of my own. She was in the city for her NYSC and she was his neighbour. She would check in on how I was adjusting when I first moved, and before we knew it, we were talking every day. Our connection grew so strong, so quickly, that I knew she was someone I wanted in my life for a long time.
That’s so cute. So how did you start dating?
I knew within three weeks of regular conversations that I wanted to be more than friends. When I told her, she brushed it off at first. I knew that she reciprocated my feelings, but she was hesitant about becoming my girlfriend because she was afraid of the short-term nature of our stay in Ibadan. It took a year, but in 2018, I asked her again and she agreed.
How were the early days of your relationship like?
It was wonderful. As soon as we started dating, she was locked in on our commitment. We were very close and she was my best friend. I loved that we had similar ideals. After I finished my Master’s and had to move back to Rivers in 2019, we became a long-distance couple, but even that didnt affect our love. I made sure to visit her as often as I could.
Did the lockdown have a negative effect on your relationship?
Not at all. Our connection stayed strong even through the long distance and lockdown. Funny enough, I had lost my job and was unemployed for most of 2020, but she didn’t mind. We were determined to make it work, and it did for a time.
You seemed to be doing great together. Where did the cracks in your relationship appear?
Tope lost her mum in 2019, and so I had to become an emotional pillar she could depend on. I tried my best to carry us both, but I was still trying to stabilise my life after I lost my job.
I would say my biggest mistake was continuing to act like a boyfriend when I should have started transitioning into the role of ‘husband’.
How do you mean?
By that point, we had been dating for three years. I think she assumed that was enough time for me to know she was ready for the next step. But I missed the signs. I loved her and would have gladly married her, but I thought I had more time to get my life in order before doing so.
Did she ever try to talk to you about this desire to marry?
Yes, she did, but she didn’t know how to have difficult conversations. So we would start the discussion and drop it when it got too serious because it made her uncomfortable. I should have read the situation better and pushed harder for her to speak her mind. She started mentally checking out of the relationship when she felt that her needs wouldn’t be met. Her Japa plans did not help matters at all.
Tell me about that. How did her japa affect you both?
We definitely weren’t in a good place in 2021 when her japa plans fell into place. She felt like we had ‘japa incompatibility’ and I wasn’t as intentional about planning to leave the country. The reality was that I wasn’t suited for Japa at the time. I had decided not to use my Master’s degree, and almost a year of joblessness post-COVID meant that I didn’t have the funds or the required experience to make that move. Regardless, I thought we were getting better.
What made you feel that way?
I helped her every step of the way as she planned her relocation. I helped her prep for her visa interview, helped out with 20% of the funds for her trip, helped her pack, and even saw her off to the airport. We had experience doing long distance, so I wasn’t afraid of distance breaking us up, but I was worried it would make our issues harder to resolve.
Fair enough. How did the final split happen?
It happened five months after she moved. I knew relocation would put a strain on our relationship, but I didn’t think we would break up. I was sure we were just going through a rough patch and that we would come out of the other side together.
One weekend, she just stopped responding to my messages. I got worried that something had happened to her, and I reached out to a few friends to help check in on her. It turned out that because she didn’t want to have a difficult conversation about us splitting up, she preferred to try ghosting me without saying anything.
How did that make you feel?
I felt bad and we talked about her decision to leave the relationship. Honestly, I thought she was just going through an adjustment phase and we would get back together. I expected that she would call me one day, like she used to, and we would continue where we left off. After four months of waiting for her, I realised she had really put our relationship behind her. I was gutted.
Did you try to reach out to her when you realised?
Yes, I did. I told her this couldn’t possibly be the end of our love story, but she didn’t budge. I had to learn to live with her decision. Even now, I still wish we were together. Our love had so much potential, I wish we had gotten the chance to see it through.
If you had the chance, would you reconcile with Tope?
Definitely! Since we split up, we have spoken to each other a handful of times. We’ve both dated other people but have struggled to replicate the same kind of connection we had. Last time we talked, she said she was going to block me because not doing so was the reason she hadn’t gotten over me. I don’t know why she’s fighting her feelings. I think we’re meant to be. Maybe when I japa too, we’ll try again.
Do you still believe in love?
Yes, I do. I’m a total lover boy. I have been struggling to find a connection as strong as the one I had with Tope, but I still hope to find a love like that again.
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