Will you spend sallah with your family or will you spend it hunting for meat?
Let’s find out:
It’s ram season again!
I’m not saying that it’s the highlight of this season o, but you know… Ram is delicious, man.
The festive period is when everybody’s true colours come out, and Eid al-Adha issa real eye-opener.
You Muslims are casted and you don’t even know. Let me tell you how you guys behave when Sallah comes around.
Those of you that only go to mosque on Sallah but will still be prouding.
Last last God is watching us all in 3D.
Then there are those of you that have been only been waiting for this day just so you can show up and show out!
Pepper dem!
For some of you, this season means nothing but frustration.
“What do you mean ram is now 90k? Was it not just two days ago that I came here and you were selling for 65k?!”
Then there are those that this is their only interest.
Because it means you can run home from the mosque and kill your own ram. Food is life tbh.
Some of you catch the festive bug and are fully prepared to turn up!
Y’all are the real MVPs tbh.
And of course, there are those of you that will ghost on guys because of meat.
“Just call me when you dey my street” but two days later, your number is still switched off.
At least there are the people that will still share meat even if they don’t throw a party.
We appreciate you joor, because where else we for see meat? Your groundnut oil won’t finish.
Or is it the ones that think flight tickets are only available during Sallah?
Every Eid you’re “out of town”? Wawu.
Finally, we have those sure Muslim friends that even if they don’t have meat to give you, will still point you in the right direction.
“You smart. You loyal. I appreciate that.”
If you guys don’t want me to finish casting all your secrets, you’d better send some ram meat my way.
A word is enough o!
Eid Mubarak, brothers and sisters! Love and blessings!
You deserve the good things in life like Sallah meat, so we want you to get the most out of it. The thing about enjoying Sallah as a non-Muslim is that you need a strategy and a plan and we are here to help you figure that out.
The first thing you need to do is make a list of all your Muslim friends and wish them happy Sallah.
Don’t forget to ask what time you should come around for your Sallah meat.
When you are done making your calls, make a list of all the sure places you are going to get Sallah meat.
After making a list you now have to map out your waka. If you are getting Sallah meat from two places in Ikeja and one place in VI, you can’t go to Ikeja, then V.I, then come back to Ikeja again.
Set out all your nylons and plastic packs tonight.
You are going to set out early in the morning, so you won’t have time to be looking for nylon.
Go early so you can help the people you are collecting meat from arrange chair and table.
If they notice you, you’ll get extra meat.
Don’t wear anything too tight you have to dress up like you are ready to die on the line.
You want to eat Sallah rice but you are wearing high waisted jeans. You are obviously not ready for life.
Don’t waste time in one place, collect all the meat you can and keep it moving.
The more places you hit, the more meat for you.
Don’t be disrespectful and show up at anyone’s house before they came back from prayers.
Please remember your home training.
Buy flagyl down because you will know you won Sallah when you spend the next day sitting over the toilet seat.
If anything must kill man, let it be enjoyment – Albert Einstein, 2018
Avoid soft drinks through out the day until you are ready to retire for the day.
The only thing you want filling your stomach up is Sallah meat and firewood Jollof.
Don’t venture out alone, assemble a crew of two or three people.
The more the merrier.
If you are stopping by a stranger’s house, then greet them properly don’t just enter the house and start looking for Sallah meat like you don’t have home training.
“Salam Aleikum, Happy Sallah”
If you have any other tips to help us collect plenty Sallah meat, please share don’t let us dull.
1. This plate’s glo-up is just too much.
2. Meat that will never break up with you.
3. This one is ready to fix your bad day.
4. This meat is even finer than you sef.
5. Who needs a bae when you have this?
6. And all good things come in twos.
7. Just look at this beauty!
1. When you remember this Sallah is the one you get to eat meat anyhow.
I can’t keep calm!!!
2. When it’s 2 days to Sallah and they still haven’t bought the ram.
What’s going on in this house?
3. How they finally deliver the ram to your house.
Caution: Handle with care!
4. How you feed the ram so that it can hurry up and grow fat.
Eat it all up sir!
5. When you’re at the Praying Ground but all you can think of is the ram.
I can’t be looking for ram upandan o!
6. How the ram starts looking suspicious when it sees people carrying knives up and down.
‘What are these people doing?’
7. When the ram vexes and decides to prove stubborn.
Oga will you calm down and let’s get this over with?
8. How the whole house comes out to kill the ram.
The more, the merrier!
9. When your mom is being extra slow about preparing the meat.
I am not understanding.
10. When people suddenly start calling you out of the blue, just ‘to greet you’.
So you have my number?
11. How you hide when it’s time to cook the plenty meat.
Please I’m not here for stress o!
12. How you attack the meat when it’s finally ready.
Finally!
1. When your co-workers ask for your holiday plans.
Gats pray.
2. When your friend calls you to come and hang out.
This one is not serious.
3. What everyone else is eating during Sallah vs. What you are eating:
The struggle.
4. You, during the public holiday.
No money, no turn up.
5. When you want to leave your house but your account balance tells you:
Let me respect myself.
6. You, waiting for one of your Muslim friends to invite you over for chow.
Epp me, please.
7. When someone asks you “anything for boys?”
You cannot see me looking hungry.
8. You, waiting for any kind of credit alert like:
Baba God, do it for your child.
9. When you see people turning up on social media.
Na wa oh!
10. You, when people start making plans around you.
Not today, Satan.
11. When someone tells you “do Sallah for us.”
Better leave me.
12. When someone offers to come and take you out instead.
