rich | Zikoko!

Nollywood found the rich boyfriend trope and held on to its ṣokoto like their lives depended on it. Honestly, we understand because the way these men spend money on their babes?

If we weren’t too busy shouting, “God, when?” we’d be plotting how to break their happy homes.

Mide in “Skinny Girl in Transit”

We know he owns the company Tiwa works at, but at first, we couldn’t see how long his money was because of how casually he spent it. Now, our eyes are wide open. $100 bundles? Shares in Tesla and Apple? In this economy of constant inflation and ₦1,442 to $1?

God-when-o-meter: We’ve been shouting, “God, when?” since he started dating Tiwa. Now that he’s dropping dollar bundles and shares in multinational companies on her head? God will soon have to beg us to hush.

George in “Fine Wine”

Somebody decided to give us RMD as an older lover, and every day, we send good vibes their way. George came into Kaima’s life and treated her like a princess. Shopping sprees, helped her get retained at her job, protected her from her idiot ex? The man thought she hung the moon and stars and did everything to make sure she knew it too.

God-when-o-meter: Make a “God, when?” button and watch us press it hard.

Aminu in “The Men’s Club”

The man referred to himself as a forest because his money is just that long. He bought a house on the spot because the landlord was disturbing the love of his life. He flew from the island to the mainland because he couldn’t care to be stuck in Lagos traffic. Environmental activists might not like him very much and Tumini might be acting like his money is the sole cause of her unhappiness, but that’s okay because we like him very much.

Aminu, call us.

God-when-o-meter: We’ll take everything he has to offer, including his “Strong head. I don’t need help” behaviour.

Adil in “Big Love”

Adil wasn’t just in love with Adina, he loved her son too and was ready to do anything for them. Including using his parents connections to get her a new job, move them both to Lagos and beat the shit out of his cousin for cussing her out.

God-when-o-meter: His family loved her, he loved her, they all came together to spoil her and her child silly. Take away his foolish cousin, and we’re in it for life.

Deji in “The Royal Hibiscus Hotel”

He bought her parents’ hotel for her. Granted, that was always his plan, but he met her, fell in love with her, and decided the only thing he wants is her love and happiness. And if it cost him a couple million naira, then so be it.

God-when-o-meter: God, when? But also God, abeg, because imagine the love of your life having a friend and business partner like Martin.

Behold our Valentine Special

We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:

Nonso from “The Wedding Party 2”

Please, the man proposed by mistake and still went along with it. He even planned a destination wedding all because their families were fighting and he didn’t want anyone/thing to stress his baby. Nonso was a man in love; if his baby wanted something, she got it.

God-when-o-meter: God, when? As long as he takes out the mistaken proposal bit because, why?

Ahanna in “Rattlesnake: The Ahanna Story”

If your man isn’t willing to elevate himself from the shackles of poverty by robbing a few rich people and his friends then using the money to buy a big ass farm in Abuja to live there with you, is it really love?

God-when-o-meter: God, abeg. Doing crime with the love of your life is great, but imagine dying because his best friend’s sister, who he was cheating on you with, has come back for revenge?

Buba from “Wrath and Revenge”

We can’t deny how long Buba’s money and connections are. The man was willing and ready to do anything to protect Alicia from his stupid cousin and make sure she was good. Even though, now that we think about it, he was really the weapon fashioned against her, and the reason she needed to be protected in the first place.

God-when-o-meter: God, abeg. God forbid. God, not in this life or the next. Did you see what he almost did to her? Him and his salt and pepper beard can geddifok.
Choose all that apply:

You think ponpon is another name for pom poms

You have more than six trad outfits

You’re currently on someone’s Apple family plan

You have more than two bank accounts

You live in Okokomaiko

Your favourite artist is Portable

You’ve never used agbalumo as chewing gum

You weren’t born in Nigeria

You throw your phone when you’re upset

Your partner gives you an allowance

You need therapy

You’ve fought a bus conductor for change

You do a little dance when the neps bring light

Your favourite food is beans

You know every word to Olu Maintain’s Yahooze

You just sang Olu Maintain’s Yahooze

Your salary has already finished

You’ve changed it for your boss before

You’re your parents’ favourite child

You currently have more than ₦10k in your account

Your favourite means of transportation is okada

You live alone

You have more than one partner

You’re someone’s side piece

You’ve slept in jeans before

You leave garri to rise before drinking it

You’re in therapy

You got #{score}/#{total}
It might be time for you to ask your village people to free you, because the way it’s looking, it just might be you and sapa together forever.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You don’t have money like that, but you’re not broke either, you’re just doing your best.

You got #{score}/#{total}
We’ll get right into it, you’re so rich, your money is smelling.

Please, come and do giveaway for us.
Everyone wants to be rich, at least I’m sure I want to. The comfort and financial freedom it offers are things that I look forward to. But this isn’t about my aspirations, it’s about those who have attained them.

Source: Zikoko memes

I find the way rich folks think intriguing. The fact that they are usually oblivious to the struggles of those around them is what I find most fascinating. Rich people just assume everyone else should be able to do the things they do with ease. They can’t wrap their heads around what being poor feels like.

I remember when I changed schools in primary four. Ben 10 was probably the biggest thing at the time. I told one of my new friends that I couldn’t watch it because we didn’t have cable TV at home. He couldn’t believe it. There was a mixture of horror and shock in his face.

Source: Zikoko memes

“How can you survive without proper TV?”. A similar thing happened the day I resumed boarding school. One of my classmates swore I was trolling when I said I didn’t have a PlayStation. He was certain that I had offended my parents.

One advantage of being rich is that it allows you to chase your dreams. Someone once asked why I don’t go on vacations. My brother in Christ, I need money to survive today plis.

Another is the constant advice that I need to invest to “secure my future.” Please I beg you, let me secure my present first.

The funniest are those that ask why I don’t save. See, If I save anything right now I’ll die. I need to be able to live to enjoy the fruit of my labour please.

I understand where rich people are coming from anyway. It’s important to plan ahead. But it’s a lot harder to plan when you have not as many resources. The safety net of financial stability is a wonderful privilege. I hope it gets better for everyone. We all deserve the freedom to chase what we want.

This is why we have decided to give you exactly what you want. The women-only party, HERtitude. Click here to get your tickets
Are you a “trust fund baby” or a “hustle fund baby”? Take this quiz to find out if you were born with a silver or rubber spoon in your mouth.
Choose as many as you can relate to:

You pay someone to clean your house

You have a pool in your house

You’ve travelled abroad more than three times

You attended a private school

You had a driver in secondary school

You don’t save to buy new gadgets

You have a gym in your house

You don’t buy thrift clothes

You have a cook

You prefer to shop from supermarkets

Your parents still give you allowance

You didn’t school in the country you’re from

You’ve never been flogged

You had a nanny

You don’t use public transport

You have an accent

Your parents have helped you in getting a job

You already have your retirement fund

You can play at least one instrument

You had a private tutor

You got #{score}/#{total}
You didn’t have wealthy parents, and that’s okay. Your childhood still has lots of fun memories.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You may not be a trust fund baby but your kids will be. We believe in you!
You got #{score}/#{total}
It’s obvious you and struggle have never met because you’ve been enjoying all the finer things in life for a while now.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Please are you looking for an extra sibling? Because you put the fund in trust fund.
Is your pocket an endless pit of money? This quiz knows the truth.
₦2k or ₦30 billion? How much money will fit you? Take this quiz and we’ll let you know.
Times are changing, but we all still need to make money. Because some people seem to figure out how to cash out faster than others, we’ve gone out of our way to find and question them. They told us these seven careers are sure money spinners.

Prayer warrior

Don’t you know that prayers work wonders, and it can be a full-time job? If you had a new naira note for every time a rich Nigerian answered “Na God” after being asked for the source of their wealth, you’d be rich too.

Content creator

How many Instagram posts of content creators buying Benz and houses do you need to see before you know you should drop your 9-5 and start making skits?

Political influencer

This one will feed you, your family and your village people. The only thing you have to give in exchange is your conscience. Small price to pay.

POS attendant

Tech bros have nothing on POS attendants now. The one and only bureau de change that deals in naira to naira and takes a huge cut. How can you not respect their name?

Being in a relationship

Relationships are lucrative right now, but you can’t have a vanilla label like boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s too basic. You either want to be a glucose boy or a soft babe. Who wants to work for money when someone else can pay you to date them?

Hard work

Ask every single Nigerian billionaire what they did, and they’ll tell you they worked hard. Maybe it’s time you started working hard too.

Gift vendor

We heard they made bank on Valentine’s Day, but that’s not all. They make bank every day of the year. People want to impress their partners with gifts and need vendors. Step in and get the bag.

Owambe hypeman

Who wouldn’t want to praise people at a party? They’d spray you with loads of cool cash just to hype them up while they dance away their savings. Why would anyone choose a regular 9 to 5 over this.

NEXT READ: 7 Ways To Make Money Without Working For It
Finding a billionaire is hard enough; finding one who’ll willingly spend their hard and soft currency on you is even harder. That’s why we used all the tools in our arsenal to curate a list of places you’ll find these specific class of philanthropic billionaires. No need to thank us, we’re just being nice.

Babalawo’s shrine

The babalawo’s shrine is where you’ll meet the up-and-coming billionaires, people who’re there for money rituals, yahoo ++ and other things. You get to invest right before they blow. And when they do, you’ve bagged yourself a billionaire who’s gonna take care of you. Forget what people say about networking in country clubs, the shrine is the best place to network.

Someone’s village

People always claim there are lowkey billionaires, richer than Dangote, in their villages. Those billionaires? You must jam them by force.

RELATED: 11 Signs You’re Not Ready to Be a Billionaire

Marine kingdom

One thing about the bad bitches in the marine kingdom is they’ll never go for a broke guy. If you join them, you’ll get access to their elite list of billionaires whose lives you can destroy.

Stand on a bad road and hawk oranges

Now, if Nollywood has taught us anything, it’s that billionaires like orange sellers. However, for this to properly work, you have to hawk on a road that’s notorious for spoiling cars. When your billionaire parks to buy your oranges, their car will suddenly refuse to start working. Offer to fix it and gbam, billionaire secured.

RELATED: QUIZ: Which Nigerian Billionaire Are You?

Hell

Since billionaires never make heaven, you’ll definitely find many in hell. So go to one of those people who take excursions to heaven and hell and ask them what airline they use to visit hell. When you get there, ask the dearly departed billionaires how you can date and marry the ones they left on Earth.

Any 60th birthday party

If you see anyone throwing a 60th birthday party, better attend. There’s something about people who celebrate their 60th birthdays and that thing is wealth. Either you catch the eye of the billionaire celebrant or one of their billionaire friends in attendance.

Twitter

People on that app are always claiming to know one or two billionaires personally. Snoop around and get to befriending. There’s no mercy for money, so find all the people findable and collect all their money.

RELATED: Quiz: Do You Even Have What it Takes to Be a Nigerian Billionaire?

Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
Do you have what it takes to be a glucose guardian? Take this quiz to find out.
This quiz knows if you’ve made bastard money or chicken change.

QUIZ: How Much Money Do You Need Right Now?