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  • Jealousy is a universal emotion — everyone has felt its sting at some point. But when it comes to romance, the feeling tends to cut even deeper.

    If you’re monogamous, it’s easy to assume that polyamorous people have somehow mastered the art of jealousy-free love. After all, they’re out here juggling multiple relationships while you’re still waiting for your Instagram crush from 2018 to finally notice you.

    But the truth is, jealousy doesn’t vanish just because you’re dating more than one person. If anything, it’s like that uninvited guest who crashes the party, hogs all the small chops, and then complains about the playlist.

    Curious about how people in polyamorous relationships handle jealousy, I reached out to a few of them. The responses were eye-opening, not just about managing jealousy in polyamory but also about practical tips anyone can use to keep the green-eyed monster in check.

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    “I explain to them that there is a hierarchy in my life.” – Ben, M, 32

    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?

    I’ve had a lot of experience with this, especially with partners who were previously only in monogamous relationships. My approach is to have an open discussion about my hierarchy of needs and expectations.

    I explain to them that my platonic friends come first, even before romantic relationships. Then I explain my perspective on romantic relationships, which is that I enter romantic relationships for companionship, not dependency, whether emotional or physical. Most of my emotional needs are met by existing platonic relationships; my romantic relationships are about exploring romantic attraction.

    I also make it clear that companionship, for me, means experiencing romantic love with someone without expecting them to meet all my needs.

    Regardless of whether a relationship is monogamous or polyamorous, each person has a responsibility to clearly communicate their needs and trust that their partner will respect them. It’s my responsibility to ensure my partner’s needs are met within our relationship and to prevent past unhappiness, trauma, or unspoken expectations from bleeding into it. After all, needs that aren’t communicated can’t be met.

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?
    Jealousy toward another partner can often be reframed by asking a simple question: Is this a want or a need? Do you want this only because someone else is getting it, or is it something essential for your happiness in the relationship? Being honest about the answer almost always takes the edge off jealousy and helps shift the focus to what truly matters.

    “Polyamory takes a lot more emotional bandwidth than mono relationships.” — Sam, M, 31

    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy? 

    I do feel jealous sometimes, but I wouldn’t call myself a jealous person. When jealousy comes up — whether for me or my partners — we acknowledge it, talk through our needs and expectations, and offer plenty of reassurance.

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice? 

    Jealousy is natural in any relationship, especially in polyamory, and it’s something every partner or polycule should expect. What’s not okay is acting on that jealousy by projecting fears or insecurities onto a partner.

    When jealousy comes up, communication is key. Making your partners feel loved, desired, and appreciated helps keep things grounded. If possible, pinpoint exactly what triggered your jealousy and find a healthy way to address it. Polyamory requires more emotional bandwidth than monogamy, so navigating difficult emotions is part of the work that comes with it.

    “I think everyone should know that jealousy is normal and to be expected.” — Nabila, F, 23

    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?

    I don’t think of myself as a jealous person. Most things that should make me jealous don’t really affect me, and when I do feel jealous, I take time to process it on my own before bringing it up with my partners.

    How I talk about jealousy depends on how serious it is. Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying, “God, I’m so jealous; I wish that was me.” But if it’s something deeper, I sit with it, figure out why I’m feeling that way, and think about what might help. When I do bring it up, my partners usually try to help if they can.

    That said, I only share serious jealousy if there’s something they can actually do about it. If I feel jealous that they live with another partner, for example, what can they really do? In cases like that, I might just mention it in passing so they’re aware, but I don’t dwell on it.

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?

    Everyone should understand that jealousy is completely normal, even in polyamorous relationships. There’s a common misconception that polyam people don’t experience jealousy, but that’s simply not true.

    What really helps is identifying the source of your jealousy. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with what your partners are doing, and realizing that can change how you approach the situation entirely.

    “Am I really jealous or just upset at a broken promise?” Princess, F, 25


    How do you talk to your partners about jealousy?

    I’m not a jealous person. I don’t think I ever really have been. Jealousy only comes up for me when a partner does something for someone else that they never did for me or when something I considered ours is shared with someone new. 

    For example, if you once told me you’d never go dancing but then take someone dancing on a first date, that would sting. Or if Tuesdays were always our movie nights and suddenly you’re spending Tuesdays with someone else, I’d feel a certain way.

    That said, I see jealousy as just another emotion like happiness, joy, or love, and I approach it that way in my relationships. I ask myself: Why am I jealous? Did my partner contribute to this feeling? Am I really jealous, or just upset about a broken promise? How can my partner reassure me? What can we do to prevent this from happening again?

    From there, we talk it through, process the emotions, and try to apply what we’ve learned to strengthen our relationship.

    READ ALSO: I Relocated and Asked My Mum to Care for My Kids. It Was a Mistake

    What’s something about navigating jealousy you think everyone should know/practice?

    Communication is the most important thing. There’s nothing wrong with feeling jealous — it’s how you handle it that matters. If you don’t talk to your partner about it, they won’t know they’re making you feel that way, and the jealousy can fester into something worse. It can turn into resentment, anger, or even aggression, all of which are unnecessary and avoidable.

    When jealousy comes up, take a step back and interrogate the feeling. Ask yourself why you feel this way, how it started, and when it began. Understanding the root of the emotion makes it easier to express to your partner in a way that leads to a solution.

    Jealousy isn’t exclusive to polyamory. Monogamous people often experience it just as much, if not more. I just wish more people communicated their feelings instead of bottling them up and taking them out on others.

    What To Do When You Feel Jealous

    Accept that jealousy is normal: First of all, remember that jealousy isn’t a flaw or a failure. It’s a natural emotion that will come up at some point in your relationship. The key isn’t avoiding it but learning how to manage it in a way that strengthens your connection.

    Interrogate the feeling: Jealousy doesn’t come out of nowhere. Ask yourself how, why, who, and what is making you feel this way. Being honest with yourself is key so you don’t unconsciously take your emotions out on others.

    A closed mouth is a closed destiny: Talk to your partner(s) about your feelings. An open, honest conversation can clear up misunderstandings and help you work through jealousy in a healthy way.

    If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll also enjoy reading this: Love Life: We Went From an Open Relationship to Polyamory

  • The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

    How long have you been with your partner?

    I’ve been with my primary partner for eight months, but I just started seeing my secondary partner last month. It’s not serious sha.

    Hollup

    Haha. Me and my primary partner, Ola*, are in an open relationship. It’s actually my first open relationship. Before Ola, I struggled with relationships and commitment because I easily get attracted to people, and monogamy felt like a trap. Like I had to force myself to stick to one person while pretending I didn’t find other women attractive. It didn’t sit right with me.

    So, when I realised Ola felt the same way, I knew I’d found my person.

    How did you meet Ola?

    We met on a mutual friend’s WhatsApp group. It was a group for bants, and Ola was the babe who was constantly dropping an opinion. 

    One day, she was arguing with someone else about feminism. I DM’ed her to say I agreed with her, but I thought she should tone it down because she was starting to do too much. She immediately cleared me and told me never to enter her DM to say rubbish again. 

    I’m screaming

    I apologised, and we made up. We started talking often, and within a few weeks, we were in a talking stage. That’s how I knew her position on relationships. She’s polyamorous and doesn’t believe in monogamous relationships. 

    We transitioned from the talking stage to a proper relationship after we met each other for the first time, about two months into the talking stage. We wanted to make sure we were sexually compatible before committing to a relationship. 

    So, how does your relationship work?

    Ola and I laid down the ground rules when we became official. We’d tell each other before getting involved with anyone else and not try to hide any parts of the relationship with that person because that would make it cheating.

    Ola is also very against threesomes, so she doesn’t want to meet any woman I’m sleeping with. That’s not a problem for me because most of my other partners have just been hookups that last for a few weeks at most. 

    Sometimes, I tell these hookups about my girlfriend. Other times, I don’t because some ladies find it difficult to agree that my girlfriend is okay with me being with someone else. The lady I’m currently with, Amy* knows about Ola. Amy also has a boyfriend, so it’s more like a friends-with-benefits situation. 

    How do finances work in your relationship?

    To be honest, an open relationship is expensive. I like treating my women to a good time, so whenever I’m with someone, I pull out all the stops to make sure they’re comfortable. I can’t take a woman out on a date and expect her to pay.

    The typical expenses are restaurant dates and cab fees, which can run into ₦80k. I share my apartment with a friend, so sometimes I also pay for hotels to avoid inconveniencing my friend. That’s usually between ₦25k – ₦30k. 

    Ola is in university, so we aren’t always in the same city. Whenever she’s around —thrice since we became official— we go on dates, explore Ibadan, or even visit Lagos. Ola loves the outdoors. The last time she came around, we travelled to visit Lekki Conservation Centre. 

    The two-day trip plus accommodation cost close to ₦100k, and Ola paid around ₦40k of that amount. That’s another thing about Ola — I like spending on her and don’t expect her to pay for anything, but before I blink, aunty has opened wallet and brought out her card. She doesn’t mind paying for shared dates, but I always try to beat her to it.

    What’s Ola’s financial situation like?

    She’s a student and works as a social media manager. I’m not exactly sure how much she earns, but I know she also gets an allowance from her parents. I suspect she’s much richer than I am. She’s always telling me how I need to be more financially disciplined and save more so my savings can save me one day.

    I’m the more impulsive spender between the two of us, and she’s made it a personal mission to change me.

    Have your spending habits ever caused conflicts between you two?

    Oh yes. Since Ola knows about my other relationships, she also has an idea of how much I spend on them, and she often gets upset. She feels I’m just throwing money away, which has led to a few arguments. 

    I tell Ola that her objections make it difficult for me to share details of my other relationships because I don’t want to receive a financial lecture, and she feels I’m just making excuses. 

    I also sometimes struggle to get her gifts because she complains about how much I spend. During her birthday in August, I got her a wig from an Instagram vendor and thought I was the best boyfriend in the world. But Ola complained that the wig was too expensive for ₦108k. She said she knew where to get it cheaper. In my head, I was thinking, “Just collect this thing and keep quiet.”

    So yeah, there are the random communication gaps and arguments here and there, but we work through them. No relationship is perfect.

    Do you have a financial safety net, though?

    I try to save at least ₦40k monthly for my emergency savings. I also sometimes get freelance gigs. When they come, I direct my earnings to my savings account. Sometimes, I spend out of that account, but I try to be reasonable about it.

    What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

    We’re still in the very early stages of our relationship, so I’m not thinking that far yet. But for me personally, I hope to earn enough to afford japa in the next five years. 

    Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    NEXT READ: This Brand Designer’s Marriage Is Recovering From a Financial Crisis

    Get more stories like this and the inside gist on all the fun things that happen at Zikoko straight to your inbox when you subscribe to the Zikoko Daily newsletter. Do it now!

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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Bear* (25) and Nala* (27) tell us about how they started dating one week after their first date. They also talk about having to define the structure of their relationship, the different ways they practice polyamory and the uncertainty of their future. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    How did you meet?

    Bear: We ran into each other at an event called Green Camp. It was the first time we met physically, and there was sexual tension but we didn’t act on anything until this year when I saw her again on a Friday at South, Lagos in March 2022. 

    Prior to that, we’ve been following each other since 2016. I’ll always text her in a bid to try starting a connection but she wasn’t giving me the proper energy. I kept trying to take it beyond the banter we were having on the timeline, but she kept killing whatever fire I tried to light. 

    Nala: To be honest, it’s not his fault. He is attractive and based on the conversations we had on the timeline, I could see our views aligned. 

    I’m just a shitty person when it comes to maintaining contact with people via text. I used to think I liked texting, but what I really liked was the ability to respond to texts at my own time. The best I could maintain with him were topical conversations that didn’t really go anywhere. The problem was just that I was busy with work. I apologised for it. 

    That’s a long time

    Nala: He wasn’t pursuing me for that long, but we knew of each other. 

    So, let’s talk about the meeting at South

    Nala: My motivation for going to South was because I was hoping to go and see him. 

    Bear: Ehn? See who? 

    Nala: Let me tell my story. 

    Bear: You did not come to see me. Let’s not rewrite history. She didn’t come to see me. What happened was that I came and then stole the show. 

    Nala: Anyways, I saw him and was distracted from the person I actually came to see. I think at that moment, I started to wonder why I was actually running away from him. 

    Bear: Let me tell you what really happened because to be fair, I think I’m better at detailing events and memories. 

    I was having one of those high confidence days. I looked good and felt it. While I was trying to get a drink, I turned and we saw each other — she was right beside me. And her look was different. It said, “It’s time, I’m ready for you.”

    However, she was with someone else, and I didn’t know what the relationship was. We interacted and made plans to actually hang out on the island on Sunday. 

    RELATED: Love Life: The Day We Started Dating Is the Day I Stopped Smoking

    How did the hangout go? 

    Bear: Sunday came and I didn’t hear from her untill 4 p.m. when I had already left the island. She felt bad about it and so we scheduled to meet during the week. She came to see me on Friday. 

    Nala: I’ll just like to add that I was working at the time. I had zero personal time and wasn’t as flexible as I wanted. I have time blindness and sometimes I get so wrapped up in one task, I forget the others I had set out to do. 

    Did you eventually have that rescheduled date?

    Nala: Yes, we did, and after it happened, I kept asking myself why it didn’t happen earlier. 

    Bear: I was very excited. I don’t know how, but everything just kind of aligned. Something that made me aware this was different was when we kissed. I think that’s how I describe our relationship till now. 

    The kiss was like a warm embrace. Like something I didn’t know I existed up until it happened. At that moment, I felt like I was walking through a desert and someone just pinned me down and force-fed me water. It was the best tasting water I’ve had in my life. I had never felt this way kissing someone before. It was a very emotionally charged and special day. As much as it was physical, there was a lot of emotional vulnerability that day.  

    After the date, her schedule suddenly blew wide open. She suddenly had my time. 

    Nala: You know why it blew open. I don’t know why you’re acting like this. 

    Bear: LMAO.

    Nala: My client actually left the country, and I had a lot of time on my hands. 

    Bear: Honestly, after that first date, everything just kind of aligned. We hung out every day for one week, and we were courageous enough to be emotionally vulnerable and talk about what we were feeling. 

    What kind of vulnerability and emotions are we talking about? 

    Bear: Around the time we started dating, my mum was having a medical emergency and it cost a lot of money so I was pretty low on funds. I started feeling ashamed about my general financial situation and I started to pull away. She called me out on it and then opened up a space where I could just talk about all the things I was feeling and going through. She helped me get to the root cause of my emotions and from there I was able to work towards getting better. 

    Nala: I had some insecurities about my body. Whenever I brought up how I felt, he was really patient and was able to empathise with what I was going through. 

    You started dating after one week. Why? 

    Nala:  I couldn’t get enough of his company, so we spent every moment together. 

    Bear: At some point, she mentioned in passing that if we were going to enter into a relationship, she needed me to ask her out. She may have mentioned it in passing, but I had it ingrained in my head. At that point, I had a different relationship structure I needed to find a way to dismantle before officially coming into a relationship with her. 

    While I was trying to do all of that, I decided to just go ahead and ask her out. I hadn’t felt that way about anyone before and I didn’t want to waste time. 

    I asked her out on a Saturday night in March, after we had finished having sex. After the very intense session, I kept looking at her and I could feel my chest flutter and tingle. So I went on a long talk that I don’t remember the details of, but I know ended with, “I want you to be my girlfriend.” She said yes.

    Nala: I’d spent a lot of time single and I used that time to reflect on what I didn’t want in a relationship. However, I didn’t know what exactly it was I wanted. He invoked a lot of strong feelings in me and I realised that’s something I wanted. A partner that made me happy and invoked strong feelings in me. I loved him. It was a no brainer I’d say yes. I don’t know why or how it happened, but I know I was in love with him. 

    One of the reasons I mentioned him asking me out is because we were already edging towards “falling” into a relationship. We did all the things couples did and were settling into a comfortable routine. I didn’t want to wake up one day and start having a “So what are we?” conversation. 

    Bear: All my years of pursuing older women finally paid off because I was able to bag this one. 

    Nala: It’s just a two-year difference. 

    What was dating like? 

    Bear: Well, for one, we had to define the dynamic of our relationship. I came into the relationship as a polyamorous person or how do they say it? 

    Nala: He likes women and women like him and everybody is on his tail. 

    Bear: Jesus. It’s everybody that likes you. Men, women, all of them. I knew I wasn’t monogamous, but I wasn’t sure what the details were. What I knew was that if I was going to figure out whatever this was with anybody, it was going to be her. 

    RELATED: Love Life: She’s Polyamorous But I’m Not

    I think you both described this thing differently. So let’s break it down

    Bear: So the other relationships I was involved in were the things I had to settle before I could be with her. I was coming off of what can maybe be described as a harem. 

    Nala: Ah ha! So was I wrong in my description of everyone being on your tail? 

    Bear: LMAO. When Nala and I eventually started dating, I told them there was someone I had to prioritise because she became my primary partner. 

    Before then, I had a system where I try to make sure my lovers are on the same level or that they feel like they have equal space in my heart, but they could tell there was something with Nala that was different. 

    When I broke the news to them, most survived but those that didn’t morphed into proper friendships. 

    Nala: I’m polyam as well, but for me, I handle my people with varying degrees of intimacy. I’m not as into people as he is. He’s more of a golden retriever type that’s friends with everyone. I am more detached. I don’t have that much mental energy. 

    Bear: So the way we practised was kind of different. 

    Nala: I knew what I had was working for me, and I liked it that way. When Bear and I started dating, I informed my other partners, but unlike his, mine was like bulk SMS. Just hey, I’ll see you around and also, I have someone now. 

    How then do you both navigate this structure you’ve created for yourselves? 

    Nala: I wanted to approach this relationship from a place of complete honesty with my feelings and emotions. I’ve tried traditional monogamy, and I’ve had some failings in it. 

    Knowing he was polyamorous as well was a step in the right direction. The conversation about wanting other people, even when you’re with someone you’re romantically invested in is always a tricky one to have, but I didn’t have to worry about that with him. 

    To an extent, there’s still a nagging feeling I have. Like does he like this person more than he likes me and stuff like that, but it’s usually just a casual thought. It’s hardly ever something I have strong evidence to back up. Plus, it helps that whenever I feel like this, I can just have a conversation with him. 

    Bear: For me, I think jealousy is something that can exist no matter the type of relationship. It could be a friendship, a business relationship or anything. Having a conversation and reassurance really helps.

    We have just one rule in place, and it’s that she’s my primary partner and I’m hers, and the only thing that can be considered cheating is when we put other people before each other. 

    Nala: We don’t really have firm rules. It’s just that we need to make sure our interests are protected before anything else. 

    Do you see yourself getting other primary partners or dating one person as a couple? 

    Bear: I know my partner, and I don’t think she has the emotional capacity or range to include another person into this relationship. The third person will suffer because they’d have to rely on only me for all their emotional needs. 

    Nala: LMAO. We’ve gotten offers from people wanting to come in.

    Bear: But they should just enjoy what they have now because inside? You’ll be starved. As for getting another girlfriend, I don’t think I want one, at least not now. I haven’t met anyone I like enough to want that from. 

    Nala: I don’t think I have someone on my radar that triggers as much emotion as Bear does. I won’t say I love anyone to the level that I love him and I consider that a requirement for getting into a relationship with someone. I have other relationships beyond this, but none of them just have the same level of intimacy. 

    On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your love life? 

    Nala: I’ll give it an 8 because of some of the uncertainties that come with our future and because there’s always need for improvement. We don’t know what next year holds for either of us in terms of if we’re even still going to be in the country. Let’s survive Nigeria first. It’s almost painful to think about so we haven’t had a final discussion on what our future looks like.

    I’m so happy in the relationship and I wouldn’t trade this for anything else. I enjoy the fact that he’s a really calming influence. He also doesn’t mind going under the sun to do things for me. I sweat easily and the sun makes me uncomfortable so he sometimes runs errands for me. It just works for me. 

    Bear: 9 for me. Nala is more raging fire and I’m more chill and calm. There are days you can see the fire raging, and she’s burning up everything in her path, but when she gets to me, she becomes a calm little blue flame. I admire the fact that she usually softens up when she meets me. I’m baby, and I don’t like stress. 

    I love how we can banter over anything and can discuss a wide range of topics because of how much our politics align. I love her simply because she exists. The only reason I’m not giving it a 10 is because of the uncertainties surrounding our future

    RELATED: Love Life: We Found Our Way Back to Each Other After 35 Years

  • Every two business days, someone is always talking about how being polyamorous is easy and full of perks, and we totally agree! No, you don’t need to put more effort into communicating with your partner or anything because these seven perks make polyamorous relationships easy to manage. 

    Now three people can break your heart in the same week

    What’s better than one soul-crushing heartbreak? Three! Imagine crying about three people you love and having to go to work and smile the next day. Sounds amazing, innit? Worse? You’ll be going through a breakup while being in a happy relationship and feeling bad about being sad when it can’t be helped. 

    RELATED: Dismantling 7 Myths About Polyamory

    You’ll always know how all your money disappears 

    Don’t you just love the security that comes with opening your banking app and seeing no money? The universe loves you so much that two of your partners were born in the same month, and both of their love languages are gift-giving. While others get the luxury of never knowing what they spent their salary on, you will always know. Loves cost everything, oh, arms and legs included. 

    Your dating pool is even smaller

    I mean, if there was a world record for most blocked in a year, you’ll probably win, and that’s something! Don’t you just love having even fewer options now? Precisely and if you think about it, you’ll learn how to get over heartbreaks faster, which can be a superpower!

    Everyone and their daddies will judge you for free

    So what if you can never bring your partner home to your parents? Think about how you cut bills on streaming platforms, rent, and cab billings, and see how good you’ve got it. Yes, by all means, friend that cheats on his partner unprovoked, tell me how being poly is wrong I’m very interested in your opinion!

    Spending all your time on the road

    You’ll have so much fun being stuff in traffic just to visit different partners outside the hours capitalism already steals; that’s so cute. The best part? When you put on your CV that you’re great at time management, you can attach your cab trip history for proof. 

    Being great at sharing

    Earthly possessions are meaningless anyways, so what if all the clothes in your wardrobe are gone now, and you buy double the usual groceries? You’ll quickly get used to sharing that favourite drink you don’t even let your siblings breathe around, and it won’t be a problem. 

    Peace of mind

    All your partners will love each other and live in peace and harmony, which will, in turn, give you peace of mind. No, come on, you’re not going to spend all your weekends settling fights because you spent more time with one person over the other. It’s all sunshine and rainbows. 

    READ ALSO: Practising Polyamory in Ifo, Ogun State, on a ₦400k Monthly Income

  • Also: How much is a bottle of wine these days?

    Vol 2 | 31-10-2022

    Brought to you by

    Good morning, 🌞

    It’s the last day of October and today’s letter is all about safety nets.

    If you are anything like the subjects of the stories I’ll share today, then safety nets are not foreign to you.

    I think life hits different when you know you can experience many things without worrying about ending up broke.

    We approach the concept in various ways; saving, investing, and even buying NFTs…

    At the end of the day, we all just want the softest of lives, no?

    In this letter:

    • The Fearless #NairaLife of a Tax Collector
    • The Money of Love: Polyamorous in Ogun State on ₦400k/month
    • Money Meanings: What is a “Safety Net”?
    • Game: #HowMuchLast (Make sure you play o!)
    • Where The Money At?!

    #NairaLife: This Tax Collector Has Never Had to Make Money to Survive

    If the 34-year-old in this #NairaLife stopped working, she’d be very fine. But even with free ₦4.3m yearly and wealthy parents, she enjoys being independent while catching business owners who try to evade taxes.

    My favourite part of the story is where David asks her if she’s ever had to earn money to survive and she replied “Not yet. No.”

    Internal monologue: God, when exactly will it be my turn?

    Read the rest of her Naira Life

    Ordinary is Boring

    Let’s face it. Ordinary is boring, but you can go for the extraordinary with a juicy pension plan that rewards your hustle today so you can retire early and still ball hard. Start by moving your pension to Stanbic IBTC Pension Managers today.

    Visit Stanbic IBTC Pension


    Subscribe to this Newsletter

    The Money of Love: Polyamorous in Ogun with ₦400k/month

    Oh to be young and in love and be able to say: “I used to sleep with my debit card under my pillow, so if I had a bad dream, I’d wake up and buy something online.”

    Onome* is a 21-year-old polyamorous woman who spends recklessly on her partners because her love language is gift-giving. In this interview, she tells Zikoko how money moves in and out of her relationships, while on a ₦400k monthly income and an envious financial safety net.

    Read More Of This Story

    Some other great money articles you should read:

    At Luno, we believe cryptocurrency is for everyone. Tap into all the many possibilities.

    Visit Luno

    Money Meanings

    Game: #HowMuchLast

    #HowMuchLast is a game where we show you an item and you tell us (and the world) the highest amount you’d pay for it.

    Some weeks will be Okin biscuit, some others will be SUVs.

    This week, we’re keeping it simple, #HowMuchLast for a bottle of wine.

    What’s the most you’d pay? Tweet at us here.

    Where The Money At?!

    We can’t say we’re about the money and not actually help you find the money.

    So we’ve compiled a list of job opportunities for you. Make sure you share this with anyone who might need it because in this community, we look out for each other.

    Again, don’t mention. We gatchu.

    Share this newsletter

    All good things must come to an end. But not this good thing. We’ll be back next week.

    In the meantime, keep reading Zikoko’s articles and be sure to share the love.

    Till next week…

    Yours cashly,

    Dwin,

    The Other Mr Money

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    18, Nnobi Street, Surulere, Lagos,
    Nigeria

  • The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In this series, we get into what dating across income brackets is like in different Nigerian cities.

    Onome* is a 21-year-old polyamorous lover who spends recklessly on her partners because her love language is gift-giving. In this interview, she tells Zikoko how money moves in and out of her relationships, while on a ₦400k monthly income and an envious financial safety net.

    Editor’s note: The interview subject is a woman in a polyamorous relationship with a non-binary person.

    Occupation and location

    Content creator and student (but also, fine girl). Lives around Ifo, Ogun State

    Average monthly income

    Salary is ₦200k 

    Allowance from parents: minimum of ₦200k

    Only occasionally does freelance writing because, one, she doesn’t need the extra money, two, she doesn’t like stress. But once in a while, she gets bored. Her last gig paid ₦50k for a story. 

    Monthly bills and recurring expenses

    Data: ₦20k. That’s my only recurring expense.

    You say?

    Oh, and skincare too, like ₦35k a month. That’s it. 

    My total recurring expenses is ₦55k monthly.

    Why so few expenses?

    I live with my parents, and I’m an only child. I don’t pay for shit. Instead, I ask. Usually, my dad gives me like ₦100k and says if I need more, I should just ask. I always ask for more because I’m greedy. Also, I don’t pay for transport because my parents drive me. I have a car, but I don’t use it because I don’t have a license. 

    Sometimes, people dash me money as per fine girl privileges, but most times, I don’t even collect it; then they offer to buy me things or pay for stuff — like, let me pay for your flight, let me pay for your hotel. I don’t like collecting money from men. I do it, but I don’t like it.

    What do you spend the money on? 

    Anything I feel like, mainly clothes and shoes when I decide to go outside. Or gifts for people and donation to good causes. 

    How did you meet your partner?

    We met on Twitter in 2019. I was in a relationship then; they were seeing someone too. We followed each other, and one day in December, they tweeted that they felt like calling someone. I volunteered to be called. We started talking every day. My relationship ended, their relationship ended, and we got together.

    Just like that?

    We’d been talking for seven months when I broke up with my ex. But my current partner’s relationship was complicated, and I tried to help them uncomplicate it. I liked them, but omo, a seven-month talking stage? 

    In July 2020, I told them they didn’t know what they wanted, so I would find someone who did. They went, “Okay, wait. Can you like, relax?” We talked it over and decided to start dating. I’m gay, and it’s not my fault I’m very lovable.

    Energy. Okay, how were your finances then?

    Trenches o. Enough to give me PTSD. Asides allowances, I was earning ₦50k as an intern, and they were earning zero while looking for a job. We managed like that until one year later, they got employed, and I got promoted. We both earn ₦200k salaries now — omo, we’ve come a long way, LMAO.

    How did you guys manage?

    We’re students, and it was in the middle of the pandemic. it’s not like we could do anything. My love language is gift-giving, so I bought them gifts. 

    On a ₦50k salary?

    The problem people have when they hear “gift-giving” is they don’t understand it’s not about the price of the gifts but the thought behind them. Sometimes, it’s knowing what your partner likes and getting them things tailored to it. 

    I don’t wear wigs because I’ve never seen the need for them. If someone buys me a wig, they’re wasting their money. Sure, wigs are expensive gifts, but they mean nothing to me. Lip gloss, on the other hand, is something I can’t do without. One of my favourite lip glosses costs me ₦1k; buying me that would mean way more to me than a wig. 

    I’d buy my partner socks, for example, because they love socks.

    Sweet. So how did your relationship survive the pandemic?

    I saw other people o. I’m polyamorous and have always known I can’t be with one person. Also, we live in different cities. I live in Ogun State while they live in Lagos. They had to get used to the idea. They could be worried shitless about my whereabouts, and I’d be smoking weed with naked women. 

    Hollup—

    Yep, I even got into another relationship. I’m an extrovert; I love making new friends, meeting new people and going on dates. My partner is an introvert; they never really talked to people or went out much before we met. 

    How did they take it?

    They took it well actually. They’ve always known I’m poly. I’d told them while we were just talking as friends. My previous relationship was open, so I wasn’t going to have a closed relationship with them. 

    So you taught them polyamory or…?

    No. I shared my view with them — if your heart can understand it’s possible to love all your friends, family members, etc., why not multiple partners? They fucked with it. They were sha happy as long as I was happy, and they eventually started talking to someone else as well.

    How’s that going? 

    LMAO, I literally tried to matchmake them with someone this afternoon. They said they don’t have the energy. 

    30+ alert

    LMAO, they’re 23, but that’s my old baby. In their words, “There’s love at home, please.” They think there’s too much rubbish outside. I fall in love every two to three business days, then they say, “It’s hard because they return you to me broken.” They’re a much more poetic writer than I am, SMH.

    Aww. Walk me through expenses on a typical staycation 

    When I visit Lagos, we either stay in a hotel, or I rent a short-let apartment for around ₦75k if I’m staying up to two weeks. If I’m on the island, hotel is ₦25k a night; mainland is ₦15-20k. We go halfsies on food, transportation, edibles and alcohol. Food alone costs about ₦15k for three meals a day.

    We rarely go out, so no transportation expenses. We just sit indoors all day, watching movies and stuff after work — we both work remotely.

    Last month, we matched on a dating app, and they asked me out even though we were already dating, LMAO. So we got high and went to play games at Rufus and Bees, Lekki. The games cost like ₦10k, and I won all because I’m the best in gaming. After that, we went to an art gallery and had pizza and ice cream. Transport fare cost around ₦10k too. Then we ended the night in a hotel room. It was the best time ever, and I couldn’t stop talking about it. I also didn’t keep track of all the costs because my partner paid for everything — one of the very rare times they’ve splurged.

    About splurging, what’s your spending habit like?

    They think I’m an impulsive spender. I have more money than them, but do you know I’m the broke one? My partner is very calculative with their money, and they only spend according to order of importance and shit like that. Me, if I see it, I like it, and I want it? It’s mine. I used to sleep with my debit card under my pillow, so if I had a bad dream, I’d wake up and buy something online. I often spend way past my budget too because I love to spend money on people I love. And I like multiple people, so I buy them all gifts.

    Has this ever caused conflicts?

    Nope. They know not to pocket-watch me. It’s my money.

    Do you have a financial safety net?

    I save 25% of my earnings, but my daddy is my financial safety net.

    Can you shed more light?

    Yep. My daddy is my backup plan. He even says it. I’m a director in all his businesses, and they buy land and other grand stuff in my name. Honestly, my future is set, and I can decide never to work again.

    So why do you?

    It’s simple. I like to work; it gives me a sense of freedom. Yesterday, my dad asked me what I wanted for christmas, and it’s still October. My dad is my plug for everything — heck, he once told me if I wanted to quit my job, he’d pay me my salary. I said no. I chose suffering.

    What’s your ideal future for you and your partner(s)?

    I don’t care much for being wealthy as the concept of wealth is a big meh for me. I just want to have an apartment my partners can come and visit me in once in a while. I have women to take care of, so I need money for that.

    I try my best with what I have now. I send them money, buy them gifts, feed them. But I want to get to the point where if someone says, “Baby, my car is bad.” I can respond with, “Okay, take this ₦200k and manage. Don’t be upset.” I can’t wait to have my daddy’s kind of money. When I think about it, he’s a sugar daddy sha. It makes sense that I learnt work from him.

    *subject’s name has been changed to protect her identity.

    *This interview has been edited for structure and clarity.

    If you’re interested in talking (anonymously) about how you manage money in your relationship, this is a good place to start.

    Yes, interview me!

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Jaymes*(23) and Seyi*(20), a polyamorous couple who got together five days after they started talking. Since then, they’ve had to deal with one of them being outed as queer, navigating multiple relationships and the jealousy it comes with. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    Tell me how both of you started talking

    Jaymes: We met on Twitter. I’d seen Seyi fighting all over the timeline, but I never messaged them until at the beginning of 2021 when they tweeted something that made me worry about them. 

    Seyi: What do you mean “fighting”?

    Jaymes: If anyone talked anyhow about women or queer people, you were there to help them press reset on their brain. 

    Seyi: I was doing it out of the goodness of my heart. It was community service, thankless work. 

    Jaymes: Yes, baby. Well done. 

    After I messaged them on Twitter, it’s not like we spoke constantly. We only talked to each other when we remembered. And I only remembered when I saw them behaving like an agbero on my timeline. 

    Seyi: You’re very rude, you know? I’m a sweet and kind person. 

    Jaymes: Of course. 

    LMAO. If the talking wasn’t consistent, how did you start dating?

    Jaymes: Well, we started talking consistently in March of 2021. I don’t even remember why. I just know we spent five hours on the phone during our first proper interaction, talking. 

    Seyi: And this was what we did for the next five days. We spent 11-14 hours on the phone each day. When we weren’t on the phone, we were texting. 

    Were you people unemployed? 

    Seyi: Yes, but I also had classes. We texted while I was in class. 

    Jaymes: On the fifth day, asking them out just fell from my mouth. They agreed, but it cost me ₦20k. 

    How? 

    Seyi: He lost a bet with his friends on how long he could last before he asked me out.

    Jaymes: I have a track record of asking people out almost immediately after we start consistently talking. After the first day I spent hours on the phone with Seyi, I told my friends about them, and my friends told me I’d behave like I always do. I said this was different, so we all put money on it. I’d win if I could make it till the time they set without asking Seyi out. I didn’t. 

    How much time did they set? 

    Seyi: Seven days.

    Jaymes: Looking back at it, it was a very stupid decision not to wait for the seven days.

    Seyi: Yes, because we could’ve used that money for something. 

    Jaymes: I agree. It was worth it though. I lost the money, but I’ve got the most amazing human alive.

    Seyi: You’re so sweet. 

    But what were you people talking about for five days?

    Seyi: He’d sing to me, we’d talk about how our days went,  joke and laugh. Rant about stuff that was unfair, our lives, what we wanted in a partner, etc. We asked all the talking stage questions of what do you like, favourite colour, etc. 

    We video-called sometimes and danced. It was the kind of talk that’ll make you sit under your dining table smiling like a goat. That meme of the guy on the bed and holding a broom on the phone was me.

    So I knew he would lose the bet. I’d already told my friends and other boyfriend there was someone I liked and might start dating so they won’t be surprised when I did. 

    Ah yes, another boyfriend 

    Seyi: Yeah, I was in a relationship with someone for a year and some months by the time Jaymes and I started talking. 

    RELATED: I Realised I am Polyamorous in 2020

    How did that work? 

    Seyi: My other boyfriend, Kunle*, and I told each other about the people we liked before getting into a relationship with them. So when I started talking to Jaymes, I told Kunle about it. 

    I went from “Hey, I’ve been talking to this person I really like and think I might date” to “This person asked me out, and I said yes” a few days later. That caused a slight problem because Kunle just thought I’d been talking to Jaymes for a long time and kept it from him. When he confronted me about it, I told him the truth. That it happened fast. And I think he accepted that. 

    Jaymes, are you also polyamorous? 

    Jaymes: Yup. Unlike Seyi, I didn’t have another partner at the time, but there was someone else I was in love with. I’d always known I was capable of loving multiple people at the same time, and that’s why I stopped forcing myself to try and be in monogamous relationships. 

    We both understood how we worked, so we hardly had problems with it. But we had some slight issues.

    What were the issues? 

    Seyi: Well, we stayed in two different states, but there also was the fact that he got outed as queer to his parents. That period was very scary for me because I couldn’t be there him, so I had to rely on calls and texts whenever he had the chance to.

    Jaymes: Add the fact that I’d gotten diagnosed with schizophrenia towards the end of 2020 and the outing led to multiple psychotic breaks. I was dealing with that, changing schools and being cut off from my parents. 

    I’m so sorry. That’s a lot for one person 

    Jaymes: It’s mostly all right now, but then? Because my parents cut me off,  I didn’t have my medication, which made me very paranoid. I believed everyone was out to get me, Seyi included.

    I don’t know how they were able to cope, but I do know if not for my patient and magnificent friends and partner, I might’ve lost it.

    I’d call at odd hours because I had severe nightmares. At one point, I felt bad for Seyi. I figured it was too much to make one person deal with and that I was detrimental to their life and wellbeing, so I broke up with them. 

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Talk About Being in Love With Someone With a Mental Illness

    Seyi: When he broke up with me, I didn’t feel bad about it. I knew and understood why he thought what he did. All that mattered to me was that he knew he was safe. 

    Jaymes: After I told them I wanted us to break up via text, I wanted to take it back immediately, but I was in school and the network randomly disappeared. 

    When I eventually got to them, I told them I wanted us to get back together. The breakup lasted for a total of 12 hours, but it took us at least a week before we stopped walking on eggshells around each other.  

    How long were you both together when the outing happened? 

    Seyi: Six months, so it was fairly early into the relationship. 

    Jaymes: I’m grateful for them in my life because they supported me through everything. I started freelancing to make some money, and Seyi tried to make sure I got my medication and was taking them. I’d skip some days to try to drag the drugs out for longer though. 

    Seyi, and you did all this while navigating a second relationship? 

    Seyi: Yeah, navigating both relationships was okay for a while. Kunle and I had both been in and out of relationships while dating each other, so we knew how the dynamic worked. But things kind of got rocky when Jaymes came to Lagos. 

    RELATED: Love Life: She’s Polyamorous but I’m Not

    Why? 

    Seyi: I thought since I had a partner, Kunle, whom I regularly saw one partner when I was in Lagos, it was okay to spend more time with the one I hardly saw. But that didn’t work. They both felt I was giving the other person more attention, and it was extremely stressful. 

    Jaymes: I knew they were trying their best, but there were two incidents in which the three of us would be at the same event and I just felt jealous. 

    I didn’t have issues with Kunle personally, we were actually pretty cool. It’s just that I wasn’t going to be in the same physical location as my partner again till heaven knows when. I wanted to savour every moment and spend as much time with them as I could, but I still had to share that with someone else. 

    How did you navigate the jealousy?

    Jaymes: Well, I’d been jealous before. Whenever they hung out, I’d feel bad because all I had were calls and texts. I wanted to just hold their hand or go on a physical date with them. 

    As time passed, I was more comfortable speaking about how I felt. They reminded me that us not being in the same places didn’t mean they loved me less or didn’t want to hang out with me. They listened and didn’t judge me for being jealous. We’d talk about all of the things we’d do when we meet, have our long ass calls, and most times, sleep on the phone.

    So when I was in Lagos, we talked through it. They’d listen, reassure me and ask questions about how I felt and things that made me upset. They’re amazing. That’s why when they and Kunle broke up eight months after we started dating, I wanted to be as there for them as possible. 

    RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

    Seyi, why did you and Kunle break up? 

    Seyi: The reasons were a lot. He said the distance was hard for him. Meanwhile, he was in Ikeja and I was in Yaba. He also said he wanted to be monogamous and that I never sexted him. It was a lot of nonsense. 

    Jaymes: If I was in Lagos, I’d have put Kunle in a hospital. I even contemplated travelling just to come and fight. He was so stupid. 

    Seyi: I’m really glad Jaymes was there for me. He was so good to me. Letting me rant, ranting with me, listening, reassuring me and dealing with the insecurities the breakup caused. I didn’t stop being heartbroken, but I recovered enough to focus on the person I was still dating. 

    Glad you both have each other. Any new relationships? 

    Seyi: None from me. I don’t think I have the mental and physical energy to date anyone right now else. 

    Jaymes: I started dating someone new last week. 

    Rate your love life on a scale of 1-10

    Seyi: 8. Minus one for distance and the other because, sometimes, we have issues communicating how we feel to one another, but we’re working on it.

    Jaymes: 8.5

    Seyi: Na wa. Where did the .5 come from? 

    Jaymes: It’s jara now. Despite the difficulties we’ve had, I learnt what love without fear means. It’s safe to be all of who I am without hiding, shrinking or being scared to say how I feel.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    RELATED: Love Life: Telling Our Parents Made Our Relationship Easy

  • Though polyamory is getting more visibility in recent times, people still ask questions like, “Isn’t that just cheating?” Here, we dismantle six myths about polyamory you’ve probably heard before. 

    “You just want to have sex with multiple partners”

    Well, yes but also, no because polyamory is not just about creating sexual connections. Many asexual people are polyamorous and only create and manage emotional and romantic connections in their lives. And even if a polyamorous person is only looking for sexual connections, it’s their business to mind, not yours. 

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Share Their Favourite Thing About Being Polyamorous

    “It’s just cheating”

    Polyamory is a type of ethical non-monogamy. The word “ethical” is important here because it requires the awareness and consent of all parties involved. If your partner doesn’t know you are seeing other people, you’re definitely cheating.

    “Polyamorous people are just spreading diseases”

    Sex with multiple partners without protection spreads infections whether it involves polyamorous people or not. However, according to a 2012 study that was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, polyamorous people are more likely to practice safe sex than monogamous people. 

    “Polyamorous people only have threesomes, moresomes and orgies

    This is such a wild idea because polyamorous people are really just regular people looking for love and affection like everyone else. So what if some people have threesomes, moresomes and orgies? It doesn’t change the presence of polyamorous people who don’t and definitely doesn’t affect you in any way. 

    RELATED: 6 Nigerian Women Talk About Dating While Polyamorous

    “You love everyone the same way” 

    Polyamory is different for different folks, depending on their abilities, capacities and preferences. Some people are able to maintain full triad relationships or kitchen-style polyamorous relationships (where everyone knows each other and is okay) while others simply can’t — and that’s okay too. The key point of polyamorous relationships is being able to hold affectionate relationships with more than one person. What matters is that everyone involved is aware and consents to be a part of it. The rest is up to you. 

    Absence of jealousy 

    Everybody experiences jealousy, whether in monogamous or polyamorous relationships — even within and out of a relationship. So, jealousy in polyamorous relationships is just as normal. It’s up to the person to communicate their feelings to their partners and do the work necessary to resolve it so it doesn’t fester and grow into bigger issues. 

    “You’re afraid of commitment”

    Polyamorous people maintain multiple relationships with different people in different capacities. How then are they afraid of commitment?

    Now that we’ve dismantled these myths, here’s a story about someone who lost the love of their life because they are polyamorous. 

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Uyai, 33, and Ayo, 28, have been dating for a year. This week on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Instagram, dating each other while they were in primary relationships, and eventually, breaking up with those partners to be together.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other? 

    Uyai: In 2019, I was at BarBar on a date when I saw Ayo with her friends. She was wearing a white shirt and shorts, and she looked so happy with her friends. I thought she was interesting but I didn’t talk to her. 

    Ayo: I don’t even remember that day. But in May 2021, my partner at the time was showing me YouTube videos and Uyai happened to be in one of them. She looked cute and friendly, so I went on my Instagram and reached out to her. My goal was to connect with more queer people in Lagos. 

    Uyai, did you remember her from BarBar when you got the DM?

    Uyai: Not immediately. It was after I went through her profile I remembered. We got talking and she asked to meet up. 

    Ayo: We didn’t hang out until a month later because this babe had one excuse or the other. The day we eventually did, she told me she’d have to be back home early because the moon was potent. 

    Sis? 

    Uyai: Yes, I needed to do my full moon rituals. 

    Ayo: And she also needed to be with her partner. 

    Uyai: LOL. That too. But we had fun that day. We went to ArAbesQue, a restaurant in VI. 

    Ayo: And I saw this babe’s ass. It looked so good. I had to ask why she doesn’t post pictures of her ass on Instagram. 

    Uyai: LOL. After the date, Ayo followed me home and we kissed. It was shortlived because I needed her to leave.

    Why? 

    Uyai: My primary partner was coming over. Ayo came back two days later though because she forgot her lighter. For the next five days, she always had an excuse for us to see each other. And when we did, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  

    We were also friends despite the sexual thing going on. Ayo became the one I’d text whenever I had issues.

    Ayo: I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. One time, I went to her house and ended up staying six days. 

    Uyai: I was worried about what my primary partner would think. 

    Ayo: I also had a primary partner who’d also become uncomfortable with the relationship Uyai and I were building. 

    How did you feel about each other’s primary relationship at the time? 

    Uyai: I was in support of Ayo’s relationship the same way she was supportive of mine. 

    Ayo: …until we both knew we had to end them because of what was happening with us. 

    How did that happen? 

    Uyai: Well, it wasn’t planned. It was just getting too complicated for me. I was spending a lot of time with Ayo and my primary partner wasn’t as patient as they used to be with that. 

    Ayo: Same here. It made me feel bad so I had to end it. 

    Then, you two started dating? 

    Uyai: Nope. We continued to spend time together but we didn’t give any name to what we were doing. 

    Ayo: We were wondering how we’d fit into each other’s lives. Our circles were very different and we didn’t see how our relationship would work when our worlds collide. But then, we decided whatever happens, happens, as long as we have each other. 

    Uyai: Another thing is we really didn’t want to rush into a relationship too soon. So we just remained in the talking stage. 

    In August 2021, we went to Tarkwa Bay for two days. The intimate time we shared there really helped our relationship grow. We had this thing where we would ask ourselves, on a scale of one to ten, where we think we’re at right now. We started from a good 6, then 7 before 9, but I don’t think we ever got to 10.

    Ayo: I think because we were both scared that getting to 10 meant much more than what we were doing. We didn’t date till February this year (2022)…

    Uyai: …when Ayo asked me to be her girlfriend. 

    Tell me how it happened 

    Ayo: We were talking in her room one random day. The conversation about girlfriends came up and I asked if she was my girlfriend. 

    Uyai: I said she had to ask me directly for a relationship and she did. 

    Aww. So tell me about your relationship. Did you two keep the relationship open? 

    Ayo: No. As soon as we started dating, it became clear to us that we didn’t want to be with other people. 

    Uyai: We would tell each other all the time that we didn’t know how we’d feel if either us was seeing other people. 

    Ayo: Yup, and we just stayed closed. The truth is we’d been committed to each other long before I asked her to be my girlfriend. 

    Uyai: But once that happened, I felt safer with her. We started making more career and travel plans together. 

    Nice! I’m curious about your biggest fight. What happened? 

    Ayo: It was basically a trust thing. Uyai saw my conversation with my ex where I was telling her what went wrong in our relationship and it caused a fight. 

    Uyai: I was super hurt. I was learning to trust her when this happened and I can be a vengeful person so the bigger fight happened when Ayo saw my own messages with my ex. 

    Ayo: This babe was reminiscing over pictures with her ex. I was like wow. I was so sad. 

    Uyai: Yeah, and for the first time we didn’t know what to do or where to go from there. It felt like there was a wall between us. 

    Ayo: I didn’t want us to get to the point of gbas gbos. 

    How did you resolve it? Did the moon intercede? 

    Uyai: I can’t lie, I cast a lot of spells. I also wrote her a long letter talking about the whole thing. 

    Ayo: After reading it, we talked. There was a lot of active reassurance from both of us. We were eventually okay and have been since then.

    Uyai: Also, we always try to speak tenderly even when we are mad at each other. We listen and are quick to apologise when we understand how our actions have hurt the other person. Ayo is very quick to ask, “What can I do better?” I love that and I’m learning it from her.

    Sweet. What attracts you both to each other? 

    Uyai: Apart from the fact that Ayo looks like a model, she is intelligent. She is super creative. I could go to Ayo with my problem and she’d have so many ideas for me. I love how she cares for the people in her life too. She’s so intentional and it’s beautiful to watch. 

    Ayo: Uyai is so beautiful and her features are unique. Then, there’s her ass. 

    Aside from the physical, she’s thoughtful. I’ve never met someone as sweet as she is. Her writing is amazing. Everytime she writes me a letter, it warms my heart. 

    She’s also generous. I can say something without giving it much thought, and the next day, she’ll have it delivered to me.  

    Awww. On that note, rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten. 

    Ayo: 10, because we’re so good together. Our communication is great and I know we can only get better.  

    Uyai: 10 too, because I think Ayo is perfect. This is not to say she doesn’t have any faults but the faults make Ayo who she is. Those little things make up this relationship. The way we are, I’ve never experienced it before in any of my past relationships. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Ajoke, 28, and Solomon, 25, have been dating for three years. Today on Love Life, they talk about being coursemates, becoming friends with benefits and being in a polyamorous relationship where they’re both allowed to date and have sex with other people. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other? 

    Ajoke: We were university coursemates. We met in 2015. 

    Solomon: The first time I saw her, I liked her. She saw her old secondary schoolmate beside me and was laughing with the guy. I liked her smile. I thought she had a good balance between being mature and being playful. I kept seeing her in class and we’d say hi to each other, but I didn’t tell her I liked her till our second year. 

    How did you tell her?

    Solomon: During the break of our second year, we became close. We spoke over the phone for long periods of time, flirting with each other. I enjoyed talking to her. We had a lot in common. When we returned to school, I expected that we’d fuck, but this babe ignored me like all of the time we spent talking while we were at home didn’t happen.

    For real? 

    Solomon: Yes, I even went to see her at her house once. She left the door open and stayed far away from me. It hurt, but I moved on eventually.

    Did you two remain friends? 

    Ajoke: Not really. I didn’t want to be intimate with him because I felt weird about being intimate with coursemates. Imagine seeing each other in class after fucking all night. I couldn’t deal with that, so I withdrew from the friendship we were building. 

    How did you two reconnect? 

    Ajoke: In 300 level, we had an industrial psychology course, for which the doctor in charge asked us to wear corporate clothes. Solomon has this macho body, so whenever he came for that class, he looked hot as fuck. I didn’t tell him I wanted to sleep with him though because he was dating someone in our department at the time. 

    I let my feelings die until we went for NYSC in 2018. 

    What happened? 

    Ajoke: I took his number from the class group to say hi, and we got close again. I’d tell him about my sexescapades in Cross River where I was serving, and he’d tell me his experiences as well. 

    Solomon: She used to put up sultry pictures on her status. I’d always comment that she’s hot and one day we’ll get down. She’d laugh it off, but eventually, she indulged me, and we planned to meet up after NYSC to fuck. 

    Did you two get down? 

    Ajoke: Yes, we did. I travelled to Ilorin to see him in December 2018. I spent three days there, and we fucked 80% of the time. I really enjoyed myself. When I returned to Lagos, our conversations grew deeper. 

    Solomon: We talked about what we both wanted. I didn’t want a relationship where I couldn’t be with other people. She didn’t want that either. 

    Ajoke: So we decided to make our relationship official, but keep it open. We can see other people and have sex with them, but we’d be committed to each other. 

    Solomon: Around this time, she found a book about polyamorous relationships, and she shared it with me. When I read it, I felt seen. It affirmed our relationship. We’ve been together since then. 

    Love life: Solomon and Ajoke

    How has being in this unconventional relationship been over the years? 

    Ajoke: When we decided to be together, we consumed a lot of content around polyamory. From videos to books. One of the books we read was The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. We wanted to do it right, and we have. 

    Our relationship goes beyond the sexual connection. We have a lot in common. For example, he’s irreligious like I am. It’s nice to have someone I can always talk to about not believing in God. He’s my best friend, and I love being in a relationship with him. 

    Solomon: I love that we both know love is not limited. It doesn’t start and end with one person even though you’re in a committed relationship. One of the issues people in monogamous relationships have is that they feel that they have to love their partner 100%. I think that’s flawed because it would mean measuring love and missing out on life. That’s why we took our time to learn about polyamory. 

    Another thing we learned was that it’s not realistic to expect everything from one’s partner. Sometimes, your partner is not equipped to fulfil your needs. There are times when we seek good sexual experiences from each other while nurturing companionship and fantastic conversations with another partner. For instance, she likes girls, and I can’t give her pussy. That’s something she explores without me. I believe we both have a right to fulfil our needs through other people. 

    I’m curious — is jealousy something you both deal with?

    Ajoke: Yes. In the beginning, I’d tell him about the girls, but not about the guys. When I realised we were getting serious, I knew I couldn’t leave out information anymore, so I started telling him everything.

    Solomon: Even though I entered the relationship understanding that she might fall in love with somebody else, and I have to be okay with that, I was jealous when she told me about the guys she had sex with while we were dating. I had to sit down and ask myself why I felt the way I did. It’s not like her pussy was running away. 

    How did you deal with that? 

    Solomon: Jealousy doesn’t go on its own; it’s one of the things you have to work on. We also realised that jealousy is not a bad emotion. It’s one of the most important emotions in a relationship because it tells you exactly where your insecurities lie. Now, when we feel jealous, we make sure that it’s as constructive as possible. 

    Ajoke: It is difficult, but we always work things out. 

    This is beautiful. Tell me, what’s the best part of the relationship?

    Ajoke: The fact that we talk about everything. I also love being in a relationship that doesn’t feel like a cage. I live my life as I want to and there’s this partner beside me, supporting me every step of the way. 

    Solomon: I love how much sex we have and how good it is. In the beginning of the relationship, we used to fuck like wild cats… we still do. 

    Aside from sex, I love how we both question religion and all of the other things we grew up believing. We’re both psychology majors taking our second degrees, which helps our understanding of each other and of our relationship. 

    This relationship helps me explore my sexuality, and I don’t want it any other way. With her, I don’t have to be gay or straight — I just have to be me. 

    Amazing. I’m curious about your biggest fight and how you resolved it. 

    Ajoke: I met a guy one time and I wanted to tell Solomon about it, but he didn’t seem interested at all. That annoyed me. Everything else started irritating me. Eventually, things escalated, and I had to go to my friend’s house because I was so angry with him. 

    Solomon: The next day, I texted her to ask when she was coming home so we could talk. When she came, we talked about it. It’s not like I didn’t want to hear her gist. I was just distracted at the time. After talking, we had bomb ass make up sex. 

    LOL. What attracts you to each other? 

    Ajoke: I love his body, and I love that he’s outspoken. He’s also so smart. I’m envious of him. He always has answers to my questions about school work. 

    Solomon: LOL. For me, it’s her body. She has the kind of body I’ve always wanted to have sex with— small and soft. I also love how honest she is. She just lives her life and doesn’t care what society thinks. I think that’s a tough way to live, so I admire her for it. 

    Sweet. Rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten. 

    Ajoke: 10 because I found my best friend in him. Our love is easy and allows me to be myself. 

    Solomon: It’s a 10 for me too. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.