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  • In Nigeria, the wedding ceremony is now as big (bigger in some cases) a deal as the marriage itself. For some reason, the pressure to impress has suddenly intensified, and those flawless BellaNaija weddings are not helping. So, if you want to throw a ‘I better pass my neighbor’ Nigerian wedding, here are the things you need to know:

    1. Mother

    Before you start thinking your wedding is about you, turn to your mother. Have you seen her? Good. Now ask her what her plans for the wedding are.

    Have you gotten her demands? Good. Now turn to your pastor and ask him what his plans for the wedding are.

    https://twitter.com/Sohlano/status/196536069930491904

    Have you made sure he is happy? Good. Now you can actually start planning your Nigerian wedding.

    2. Friendships

    You’ve heard that your wedding is not about you, abi? Well, it is even less about your friends. So when you’re picking your groomsmen and your bridal train, you really have to shove sentiments aside for the sake of aesthetics.

    If your best friend isn’t the appropriate height or skin tone for your BellaNaija photo shoot, you might have to settle for an acquaintance.

    https://twitter.com/TheBlackHermit/status/590606007002345473

    You can make it up to them by putting them on the high table.

    3. Food

    Your Nigerian wedding is not the time to experiment with food. You can try all you learnt from the Food Network on your birthday or anniversary.

    Your guests are there for Jollof rice.

    Small chops.

    https://twitter.com/ItsBollyLomo/status/637572655722442752

    …and alcohol.

    https://twitter.com/Oyolimma/status/376220782034427904

    Do not let them down.

    4. Aso-Ebi

    This is the entrepreneurial part of your Nigerian Wedding; you have to buy Aso-ebi and then sell it to your guests at an inflated price you deem fit.

    https://twitter.com/Dotbabe/status/419856375561605121

    Yes it is, no vex.

    This serves two purposes. First one is crowd control.

    No Aso-ebi, no entry.

    The second one is for your honeymoon costs.

    Five star hotels in Dubai are not cheap, please.

    5. Time

    See, Nigerians love God, but no one is coming to your wedding to give their life to Christ.

    The church service should be straight to the point.

    In fact, don’t expect people to come for that, they’ll be waiting for you at the reception venue.

    Yes it is, but expect people to do it anyway.

    6. Venue

    Don’t stress anybody with your beach wedding fantasies. Just keep it to yourself.

    Well, it’s not like your mother will even agree sef.

    https://twitter.com/Yinka_yeenka/status/238927896046092288

    Just go and rent a big hall, pay an expensive decorator, play loud music and let everybody (except you, of course) be happy.

    7. Budget

    You have a budget right? Yeah, now tear it up. There is no such thing. Your account balance is your budget.

    For every guest, just have 2 extra plates ready.

    Nigerians will not RSVP, but they will come with their neighbor, their gateman, and a stranger they just picked up off the street.

    https://twitter.com/BeingMissCocoa/status/571844542330097664

    So, be prepared.

    I’m sure you don’t need us to tell you that the makeup and wedding outfits need to slay. Just go to @BellaNaijaWeddings for inspiration.

    Now go forth and plan your Nigerian wedding.


  • We know Nollywood actors. We grew up with them. Some of them are so typecast in our minds that seeing them in other roles would almost literally kill us.

    I mean, imagine Patience Ozorkwor as a good person. That is not a pretty picture.

    But have you ever tried to imagine these actors as some of your favorite cartoon characters? A Zikoko community member, Kolapo Oladapo (@kpmy_), tried it and sent them in. It’s a hoot:

    Phineas and Ferb vs Aki & Pawpaw

     1

    Same level of mischief and an almost unshakeable commitment to making every day of their lives fun.

    Cinderella’s Wicked Step Mother, Lady Tremain vs. Bukky Ajayi

     2

    Yup. That’s the horrible mother figure with attitudes that make you just want to bitchslap them through the entire movie. Terrible, those two!

    Wonder Woman vs Genevieve Nnaji

     3

    Genevieve has never been a superhero, and she does not have super powers BUT she is beautiful and has a super perfect, fit body. If that’s not wonder woman, I don’t know what is.

    Uncle Ruckus vs Mr Ibu

     10

    Do you even need words for this? Not only do they look alike, they both are characters that are usually annoying in appearance, behavior, and attitude. And they’re usually anti-heroes! But they got jokes!

    Crying Alice vs Nkiru Sylvanus

     5

    Alice usually goes back and forth between crying and scolding herself, but Nkiru’s characters’ sole identification is usually the stream of constant tears, till the end of the movie when she marries a prince, or a rich man.

    Ursula vs Patience Ozokwor

     6

    In a movie, if Patience Ozokwor is the mother in law, the wife is done. She cannot make it again. And if Ursula has her tentacles in you, well, consider yourself royally screwed.

    King Triton vs Pete Edochie

     9

    Regal, powerful and full of wisdom, he rules the kingdom – or his family – with an iron fist.

    Rafiki vs Peter Fatomilola

    4

    Old, frail, wise, knowledgeable witch doctors. Really old, really bent. They might not look like it, but they usually know what they’re talking about. And they’re not shy to tell you their minds.

    Prince Charming vs Ramsey Noah

     8

    Knight in shining armor. Handsome prince. Suitor extraordinaire. Always looking for a fair maiden.

    Are we wrong? Aren’t these comparisons spot on? Share with your friends to get their opinions too!


  • He’s nearing his 100th day in office, so we thought: let’s take a trip down President Buhari’s fashion lane.

    Obama might be the coolest president, but no one has swag like our president:

    1. When the slayage all started…

    https://instagram.com/p/y0PfOQOuxy/

    2. We knew he would give us great pictures.

    https://instagram.com/p/0VmU50uu2s/

    3. But we did not expect this level of awesomeness.

    https://instagram.com/p/y0De7pOu14/

    4. No one has this much swagg while campaigning.

    https://instagram.com/p/yU2Q-vOu3f/

    5. Except General Buhari, of course…

    They said he has health issues but the gentleman is chilling reading newspaper #change #buhari #politics #campaign

    A photo posted by Bayo Omoboriowo (@bayoomoboriowo) on

    6. It did not shake even while he was eating.

    General on the table of men…….#saybuhari #change #fundraisingdinner #nigeriadecides #election @photoesquire

    A photo posted by Bayo Omoboriowo (@bayoomoboriowo) on

    7. Seriously, look at this!

    https://instagram.com/p/x1QQu9Ou77/

    8. He makes the MAC look more luminous.

    https://instagram.com/p/zAsKBSuu0h/

    9. I’m short of words…

    https://instagram.com/p/0cJd37Ou5Y/

    10.But I have to keep going!

    https://instagram.com/p/0gUVnhuuy8/

    11. I would’ve voted him for his dressing alone.

    https://instagram.com/p/0qYZGxOu9e/

    12. And I know I wouldn’t have been alone.

    https://instagram.com/p/0sYOzfuu7Q/

    13. You can feel the control even when he’s laughing…

    https://instagram.com/p/0vpjk-uu-E/

    14. But that’s not why we are here.

    https://instagram.com/p/0zvBoUOu-j/

    15. He won the elections!!!

    https://instagram.com/p/07-XXKuu2t/

    16. And this fashion slayage intensified!

    https://instagram.com/p/1lTIZMuu28/

    17. Look how good my president looks:

    https://instagram.com/p/1tbHp2uu5m/

    18. As a Lagos Big Boy.

    https://instagram.com/p/2TICOFOu7U/

     

    https://instagram.com/p/20K-a3Ouwt/

    19. In his official portrait.

    https://instagram.com/p/2ywDKSOu6l/

    20. While walking…

    https://instagram.com/p/3NmFNqOu46/

    21. While reading…

    https://instagram.com/p/3440JKOu4s/

    22. Here too!

    https://instagram.com/p/3Q5ahjuu0m/

    23. Do your clothes look this good on you?

    24. Can you honestly say yes?

    https://instagram.com/p/3gXUSxOuzD/

    25. Most people pray for this level of cool,

    https://instagram.com/p/3qlv1UOu2H/

    26. But he just has it in droves.

    https://instagram.com/p/4HmWFiOu5H/

    27. He’s such a joy to photograph.

    PMB signing the guest book ahead of his seeing John Kerry today   A photo posted by Bayo Omoboriowo (@bayoomoboriowo) on

    We are sure Bayo Omoboriowo would agree. He has one of the best jobs in Nigeria – the president’s official photographer. To see more photos, go to Bayo’s Instagram page.

    Now share this with your friends and followers. Don’t keep PMB’s swag to yourself.


  • Nigerian Twitter is so live!

    There’s always a trending topic – whose relevance is debatable – that will cause an uproar and generally upend the normal affairs.

    Today, it’s #IfStatesWereWomen, where they give the 36 states – or less, we forget some states – of Nigeria womanly attributes. These are the best tweets of the trend for  some states:

    Abia

    Adamawa

    Akwa-Ibom

    https://twitter.com/Rhodymite_/status/619484293367209984

    Anambra

    Bauchi

    Bayelsa

    Benue

    Borno

    Cross River

    https://twitter.com/datGuyKOFO/status/619449357121757184

    Delta

    Ebonyi

    Edo

    Ekiti

    Enugu

    Abuja

    https://twitter.com/datGuyKOFO/status/619449091433611265

    Gombe

    Imo

    https://twitter.com/DeraaRed__L/status/619450076247781376

    Jigawa

    Kaduna

    Kano

    Katsina

    https://twitter.com/Kb_shema/status/619488829347643393

    Kebbi

    https://twitter.com/safdchick/status/619486431392739328

    Kogi

    https://twitter.com/smugdisguise/status/619442858588774400

    Kwara

    Lagos

    Nasarawa

    https://twitter.com/UnilagAmeboR/status/619459495358504960

    Niger

    Ogun

    https://twitter.com/zebbook/status/619444207015591936

    Ondo

    Osun

    https://twitter.com/Rhodymite_/status/619483768374579200

    Oyo

    Plateau

    Rivers

    Sokoto

    Taraba

    Yobe

    https://twitter.com/UnilagAmeboR/status/619470369024557056

    Zamfara

    Of course, not everyone likes this twitter thread, some people find the trend sexist:

    Because some of the tweets were a little pointed:

    Don’t ask me where they go these comparisons from, I couldn’t possibly know. But one thing is sure, you have NEVER seen your states – or women – so graphically described.

    Photo Credit : Instagram – Asoebi Bella

  • Just to be clear, this isn’t a tutorial on how to be an actual Lagos big boy. That cannot be taught. It’s innate –I mean, we can’t all be Noble Igwe. But I can tell you how to pass for one for like a day, or at most a couple of weeks, depending on your intentions. And by intentions, I mean which girl you want to deceive.

     

    1. A White Trad/Native

    This is the Lagos Big Boy uniform. It has to be crisp and super starched. And very very white.

    white trad

    Not that one in your closet with that tacky crest, please, that phase has passed, thankfully.

     

    2. A Proper Beard

    A Lagos Big Boy has to be good looking. Notice I didn’t say handsome? Yeah, that’s because you don’t need to be handsome. If you have a face only a mother could love, a beard will be your saving grace.

    beards

    A beard is to guys, what makeup is to girls, so start grooming one.

    But if your facial hair is lagging behind in growth, you might want to look into buying hair growth supplement. You don’t want to look like this…

     

    kermit beard

     

    Noble Igwe has made it easy for you. Just read his guide on what you need for the ultimate groomed beard. Make sure to read this one and this one as well. For inspiration on what to aspire for, see the picture gallery here.

    noble igwe
    via 360nobs

    You’re welcome.

     

    3. Car Keys

    Most Lagos big boys either drive a Range or a G-Wagon, but this is about being a Lagos Big Boy on a budget, I really don’t expect you to have a car, or even if you do, I don’t expect it to be up to par.

    carkeys-on-table
    via aunhoong

    All you really need is the illusion. So, keep the car keys visible at all times (preferably on the table in front of you), it will take a while for people to notice you don’t actually have a car.

     

    4. An Accent or Two

    The strangest thing about being a Lagos Big Boy is that no one actually expects you to stay in Lagos. I mean sure you are expected to visit on select holidays and stuff, but you need to have done some serious time abroad.

    memes_cant_tell_if_accent_or_speech_impediment-s500x475-198517

    So what better way to convince people that you just came back from the ‘Amurica’, than a couple of OAP-grade accents?

     

    5. Haircut from Kayz Place

    This isn’t even about how good the haircuts are (trust me, they are), this is about the clientele.

    https://instagram.com/p/1Fgz23q0fy/

     

    A Lagos Big Boy needs Lagos Big Boy friends, and this is your safest bet to meet some.

    https://instagram.com/p/zpnDEhK0eu/

     

    Think of that 1,500/haircut as an investment, and remember to tip your barber.

     

    6. An iPhone (The newest one, obviously)

    I don’t really need to justify this. It’s simple, no one is trying to see your Samsung, even if it is an S6.

    iphone

    I don’t make the rules. Sorry.

     

    7. A Light Skinned Babe or Two or Three

    I’m not even joking.

    lightskinned

    No one cares about how beautiful your dark-skinned girl is, if she isn’t competing for brightness with your white trad, you need to find someone else.

     

    8. Live On the Island

    And by Island I don’t mean Ajah, no one is trying to do cross country for you, sir.

    thirdmainland

    So squat with a friend long enough to create that illusion and you’re golden.

     

    9. Name Drop

    Make sure you find a way to mention that celebrity you partied with last week, whether the conversation calls for it at all.

    “Could you pass the salt?”

    “Wizkid likes salt too, he told me last time we saw.”

    wizkid

    Yup, it doesn’t even have to make sense. Just do it.

     

    10. High Body Count

    You’re a virgin?! What are you even doing here?

    virgin

     

    Either you find a way to lose the V-card or kill all the witnesses to your lack of action!

    5-4-sex-lots-of-surfaces

    OR you could just lie to your friends when you tell them “I hit that” about babes you’re just friends with, like only a real Lagos Big Boy would.

     

    11. Sunglasses at all times

    Don’t be that guy that wears them into buildings and you’ll be good.

    OC-Ukeje1

    Just make sure you have it on hand for even the slightest glare. Anything that makes you look better than you actually do is a big plus.

    lynxx beard

    Especially when you get one that actually suits your face.

     

    Did we miss anything? Do you agree with this guide? Sound off in the comments section.