1. When the noise your car has been making only stops when you try to show your mechanic.
Is this juju?
2. When you give them your car with one problem and it comes back with three new ones.
Are you not the Devil?
3. How they actually fix the problem:
True story.
4. When they “help you repair” what hadn’t even spoilt yet.
“Oga, the thing don dey spoil already.”
5. When they realize you really don’t know anything about cars.
It’s all over. Don’t cry. Don’t beg.
6. Whenever they call the price of spare parts.
Shouldn’t I just buy another car like this?
7. When they swear that’s the price and tell you to go and “ask another mechanic.”
Aren’t all of you the same?
8. When you finally agree on the price and they tell you workmanship is separate.
You are a very wicked somebody.
9. When you give them your car with full tank and it comes back on reserve.
Are you not mad like this?
10. When you realize your car is actually with them more than it’s with you.
Please, I need my car.
11. When they still have the mind to ask “anything for boys?”
You no even fear.
12. When they bring the car back with a new sound and swear it’s normal.
Which kind of nonsense lie is that?
13. When they told you it would be ready in 2 days and 2 weeks have passed.
Is this life?
14. When you see him using the car to cruise with his babe.
IT IS OVER! IT HAS FINISHED! SOMEBODY HAS TO DIE TODAY!
15. When he returns the car and nothing is missing.
Wow. I’m impressed.
1. How you eat because you cannot get fat.
I can eat double my weight.
2. When you visit your grandma and she keeps repeating that you have to eat something…
While pinching your cheeks.
3. When someone sees you and says, ‘you haven’t changed at all’.
Why, thank you.
4. Or when they ask “Why are you so skinny?”.
It’s called a fast metabolism.
5. When people assume that you’re younger than you actually are.
I’m not young. Just skinny.
6. When someone tries to carry you as a test of their strength.
Are you foolish?
7. When your friends are complaining about being fat and you’re just standing there awkwardly.
To laugh or not to laugh.
8. When someone says you’d look better with more flesh.
Can I borrow from you?
9. When you’re forced to sit in the middle of the car because you are the smallest.
Y’all exhaust me.
10. When people joke about your weight and you laugh with them even though it burns.
*silently cries inside*
11. When someone says it’s not fair that you’re so skinny.
Yes. Because I chose it.
12. When they grab your wrists to emphasize how small or thin they are.
Have you gone mad?
13. “Why are you working out?”…”Do you want to disappear?”
“Do you want me to slap you to hell?”
14. When you cannot complain about anything, because people believe that being skinny solves 100% of your problems.
It’s not always about that, please.
15. Your new year’s resolution: Gain. A. Little. Weight.
Maybe then, they’d all shut up.
Be honest. We won’t judge, promise.
[quiz_checklist quiz=”how_ajepako_are_you”]
After more drama than the entire Telemundo channel put together, Rotimi Amaechi has been sworn in as the Federal Minister of Transportation.
Congratulations to him but we are interested in how to get our own. That’s why Zikoko has put together this strong manual on how to achieve success in 14 easy steps using Rotimi Amaechi as a template.
Get ready to learn. Your success is around the corner!
1. Remember to be diligent for your boss.
Some people are not serious – too lazy or proud to do simple tasks. Don’t be one of them. Even if it means carrying microphone for your boss when he’s making a speech you wrote and he doesn’t understand, keep at it. That’s how it starts.
2. And laugh with your enemies.
Laughter won’t kill you. Doesn’t the Bible say you should bless your enemies? It doesn’t matter if your enemy is your oga’s wife or his side chick, my friend open your mouth and laugh. Sometimes you’re laughing at them but it doesn’t matter as long as you’re laughing.
3. Even when they can’t count.
I mean, how is 16 greater than 19?
Sometimes, your boss miscalculates. No one is above mistake. Sometimes, they miscalculate your salary and only pay you 50% of what you agreed. Sometimes, they miscalculate the days of the month and only pay you once every 8 months. No vex, no one is above mistake.
4. And want to cheat you of your inheritance
NO, HOW IS SIXTEEN GREATER THAN NINETEEN?
To be honest, I don’t really know. Sometimes, you will face injustice and ignore. Sometimes, you will react. But make sure the mathematics is on your side. Better that you don’t make mistake in your own calculation too.
5. Praise God in everything
Don’t forget to add shoki to your praise. The devil hates shoki. Go to a good church and dance your wahala away. There is a blessing in the dance, abi how do pastors normally say it.
6. Do any job you are given very well, you never know where it will end up!
Why should a monorail mistake derail you?
Like we’ve said before, no one is above mistake. Don’t be one of those people always looking backwards. Anything can happen in your future. Be bold, buy original Beats By Dre and ignore the haters!
8. Some days will be easy
And everything will be sweet. Every drink will taste like it has sugar and nothing will do you one kind. Better enjoy those days because it’s like devil has gone for check up and has left you for a bit. Other days are coming.
9. Some days will be weird
Please why is this man pulling my ear?
On your road to your new destination, you will experience strange things. Repeat this to yourself, “na me dey find something“.
10. But keep singing and rejoicing
Open your mouth and sing. Sing praise songs. Sing reggae songs, then add blues after. Sing hip-hop sef. But don’t sing Adele’s “Hello”. That song can’t help you in tough times – the only person that song has helped is Adele.
11. And dancing
Pastors recommend it. Fitness experts recommend it. Dance and forget your troubles. You can’t come and go and kill yourself! Does it matter if you’re a terrible dancer?
12. Dress for the job you want.
After all, a minister has to be a model citizen. It pays to be bold and adventurous in your fashion choices. It’s good practice for the real work you’re aiming for and it gets you noticed.
13. And one day, you will be surprised with good news
All your work has paid off. They’ve called you to collect the job. Or the contract. Your hustle has clicked. You don get alert, #Godwin. Now is the time to change your phone number so that all the people that will now start asking you for things will let you rest.
14. And you know you’ve got victory over your enemies
Congratulations, Mr. Chibuike Rotimi Amaechi!
Now the work begins.
Especially when you didn’t particularly study!
1. When you wake up in the morning and your results are the first thing on your mind.
I hope it comes out today.
2. When you dedicate all offerings at church to God asking for good results.
It’s just a 4.5 I’m asking for, oh Lord!
3. When you remember how you failed those midsemester tests.
I thought I would make it up in exams.
4. When you remember how you didn’t answer all the questions during the exam.
I can still get 70% now. Wait, can’t I?
5. And you remember that your coursemates were asking for extra sheet and you were just confused.
I should have just collected.
6. When you start going through your old question papers, trying to figure out what percentage you can actually get.
Just one extra mark.
7. When you snap at your siblings for every little thing because you’re nervous.
Get away from me! I might fail!
8. When you’re very ready to explain to your parents how the exams were marked very harshly, and that actually the cutoff marks were too high.
Actually ma… Sir, it’s not my fault…
9. And then you start to invent other excuses.
All is fair.
10. When your nosy relatives keep asking about them and reminding you and your parents.
Shut up forever!!!
11. When you convince yourself that you have failed.
I have accepted.
12. And you know that your parents will never let you forget this bad result.
*comes back home with 0.38 GPA* Dad: Pass me the newspaper *passes newspapers Dad: at least you can pass something pic.twitter.com/G9dv7cpBZa
13. Then you start to read up on people who did amazingly at life, without passing their exams.
Maybe it’s my destiny.
14. But you realize that your best friend will probably ace her papers… and your parents know them.
Na wa oh! That one cannot just fail.
15. When your friends tell you that results are out.
*dies inside*
16. And they’re calling you and telling you how great they did.
*silently hangs self*
17. But you realize you don’t actually want to see them… Schrodinger’s result.
If I don’t see them, then they’re neither bad nor good.
18. At this point, you accept that people aren’t perfect, and that failure is not the end of the world.
I can overcome.
19. Then you finally log on to that school portal.
It is time.
20. And you say a little prayer while you wait.
Then you slowly open your eyes…
21. I passed!!!! PARRT-AY-AY!!!
Winning!
If you grew up an ajepako, then you’ll relate with this list on an almost spiritual level, but if you didn’t, you’ll go through it wondering what the hell we are talking about.
1. This was your unofficial car:
“Driven” with either your hand or a stick.
2. Your parents got called Mummy and Daddy [Your first name].
Instead of Mr and Mrs [Your Last Name].
3. Making your kite out of polythene bags and broom sticks.
Stop forming, you did it.
4. Writing your name on paper and putting it into your biro.
No money to be replacing stolen biro up and down, abeg.
5. Playing the greatest childhood game ever:
Greatest childhood game the world has ever seen. This is not up for debate or discussion. pic.twitter.com/ZQFwe3QmPe
13. When they drag you the dance-floor at an Owambe.
This is not why I am here.
14. When she carries it on her head that you don’t speak your native language enough.
Are you my tongue?
15. Whenever she drops “just manage” money before leaving.
Aunty! Aunty! My favorite aunty.
So, did we miss anything?
On November 10th 1995, Ken Saro-Wiwa and 8 other MOSOP leaders were executed by Nigerian military personnel.
Their deaths led to a national and international outcry and resulted in Nigeria’s suspension from the Commonwealth Nations for four years.
MOSOP (Movement for the Survivial for the Ogoni People) fought against the unregulated and illegal activities of oil companies such as Shell.
The activities of these oil companies resulted in severe environmental degradation of the Niger Delta region among other things.
In 1993, Saro-Wiwa and 8 other MOSOP chiefs were arrested and tried for the murder of 4 Ogoni chiefs.
Ken Saro-Wiwa and the other 8 men continuously denied their involvement and 2 years later, while in prison, they were woken in their sleep and hanged.
The secret trial and conviction of Saro-Wiwa and his colleagues, the failure to allow an appeal and the subsequent murders of the 9 men showed the many flaws of our then military-regime.
Today, 20 years later, Nigerians all over the world remember the legend of Ken Saro-Wiwa.
Saro-Wiwa was known as an environmental activist, Ogoni leader, poet and writer who campaigned against the pollution caused by the oil industry in the Niger Delta region. For his heroic activism he was awarded the Goldman environmental prize.
It is NOT ENOUGH to remember Ken Saro Wiwa & other 8 #OgoniLeaders today. YOU, how are you viewing matters of present SUFFERING of OTHERS?
But because of the great work and heroism of Ken Saro-Wiwa and others, these unfortunate crimes against the Niger Delta people have not gone unnoticed.
Ken Saro-Wiwa (October 10, 1941 – November 10, 1995), a true Nigerian hero.
Over the past decade, whenever a news story on Northern Nigeria is released, it almost always features images of Boko Haram’s destruction or images highlighting poverty and extremity.
But there is so much beauty that the media just doesn’t show us and these images captured by Editi Effiòng prove that Northern Nigeria just might be the most underrated tourist location for travel lovers.
Check out some of Editi’s shots below.
The absolute beauty of Gubi Lake in Bauchi.
This perfect picture of the game trail at Yankari National Park that captured butterflies basking in the sunlight.
This picture taken underwater at the Wikki warm spring that shows it’s possible for Nigerian waters to be clean, clear and blue.
This serene shot of Wikki warm spring.
Blue sky and blue water at Gubi lake in Bauchi.
This image that beautifully captured the vegetation and mountains at Dass, Bauchi.
The picturesque landscape at Fufore, Adamawa.
The heart-stopping sunset in Bauchi.
The architecture of the 2nd Babban Gwani in history, built in 1869 for the Emir of Bauchi.
More stunning shots of Gubi Lake.
This breathtaking view.
This image that captures the true definition of untamed wild beauty.
The sky at Dass in Bauchi after a night of rainfall.
So, thinking of planning a holiday? Maybe Northern Nigeria isn’t such a bad idea.
As a Nigerian twenty-something, I must confess that being an adult is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I’m sure you feel the same too. No one knows our struggle. So let’s tell them:
1. When you decide to move out of your parent’s house and you realize how expensive rent is.
Please don’t let me go. One more year, please.
2. When you cannot find an affordable place to rent that’s not a shithole.
God, what is this place?!
3. When you try to convince potential employers that you’re qualified for a job.
Because your degree isn’t even enough.
4. When you get the job and realize that school did NOT prepare you for this.
What is this?
5. When your boss actually expects you to work from 9 to 5.
No, it’s not a joke.
6. When you could no longer fake a sick day for being tired, like you used to in school.
So you start waiting for the public holidays…
7. When you realize that PHCN, internet and water bills are not part of the rent.
Wait, what? WHAT?!
8. Then this is you everytime you have to pay the bills.
Is it me that spent all this? How much light and water did I use?
9. When you can no longer rely on someone else to cook for you – or do the dishes.
Growing up is a scam. I wasn’t ready.
10. When you’ve spent all of your salary but it’s just the first week of the month.
*cries in poverty*
11. When you check your bank balance after one week of avoiding it.
Oh god!
12. When you realize how many random things you have to pay for as an adult.
Wazzaldis?
13. When you realised you need to be saving a portion of your money for the ‘future’.
Is the future not far?
14. When your life achievements aren’t exactly how you pictured them back in school.
By now, I should’ve been worth 5 million dollars.
15. When people assume you can have grown up conversations just because you’re an adult now.
‘Scuse me, I have an inner child.
16. When someone tells you that they envy the life you’ve built.
Please why are you mocking me?
17. When you cannot go out with friends because you have to spend the weekends cleaning the house and doing laundry.
If not you have to buy new clothes…and no money.
18. When your life practically explodes and you have to call your parents for help.
Mummy, please pick up.
19. But they’re Nigerian, so this is most likely their reaction.
Mom, stop laughing. It’s not funny.
20. When people around you start getting married and having babies at a creepily fast rate.
Will everybody just calm down?!
21. When people start asking, “When are you going to settle down?”
I literally just grew up.
22. When you finally realize that being an adult is overrated.
It’s all a huge scam. DON’T DO IT!
See. I want a break from adulting. Just 6 months. Is that too much to ask?
