1. That person that smells like they used fish to bath.
Oga, you no go like use deodrant?
2. That ‘pharmacist’ selling a N200 cure for HIV, premature ejaculation and unemployment.
Add extra N100 and the drug will cure deafness, eye problem and will even help you marry.
3. That person that sha turns you into their pillow by force.
You entered bus single, now you have bae.
4. That human ATM that brings out a N1000 note to pay for a N50 fare.
This one doesn’t know where he is. If the conductor doesn’t tell him to get out, he should thank God.
5. That JJC that has no idea where they are even going.
This one will spend the entire trip asking “are we there yet?” and they will still somehow miss their bus-stop.
6. That pastor that turns the entire trip into a sunday service, complete with testimony and offering.
Immediately you hear “praise The Lord” just get ready.
7. That person on the phone that swears they are in a meeting.
Why da fuq you lying?
8. That paranoid person that spends the entire trip shouting “conductor, where my change?”
Oga they will give you your N50. don’t go and have a stroke.
9. That orobo that will crush everyone on their row and still have the liver to be shouting “shift”
They will now be shouting like they paid for extra seat.
10. That ‘comedian’ that thinks the bus is night of a thousand laughs.
This one is always looking for any reason to crack one unfunny joke or the other,
11. That shakara person that won’t collect their change from the conductor unless the note is mint.
This one thinks they are in a bank. If the conductor answers them, they are lucky.
12. That amebo that thinks two of you are now sharing one phone.
This one is more interested in what you’re pressing on your phone than the bus-stop they are supposed to be dropping.
13. That old person that spends the entire trip complaining about the driver’s speed, even when the bus is not moving..
Well, they did not enter bus to die.
There are several ways of handling issues in Nigeria which hardly ever includes keeping calm.
Nigerian senators usually solve issues by either making serious banter…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv0W5aQhqMc
Because Nigerian women’s lives don’t matter.
Or fight things out, street style.
Because decorum is too much stress.
On April 4, Nasarawa state lawmakers left trash for LAWMA.
And fought at the state House of Assembly.
Apparently, Governor Al-Makura’s appointment of 11 new council chairmen was what caused the wahala.
Some of the senators opposed the Governor’s motion and accused those in support of receiving 50 million Naira bribe from him.
The newly appointed council chairmen were supposed to be succeeding the former council leaders whose appointments ended on March 24.
These senators disagreed because they thought the appointments were illegal.
Na wa oh!
We didn’t vote them for this sha.
When those in charge of making the laws that guide the country are actually lawless.
What a shame!
Watch full details of the fight here:
Perhaps, if the passion and anger of this fight is channelled into the Agatu crisis plaguing Nasarawa state, the problem could be solved quicker than imagined.
Nigerian headlines and news stories are so dramatic, they always sound unbelievable.. kind of like an April Fools joke. Can you tell which are real headlines and which are fake?
Take the quiz to find out.
Yesterday, there was no light in Nigeria. Yeah, we know, we know…you probably haven’t had light in 2 weeks. Well, I haven’t had light in 4 weeks, but that’s not the point.
We mean that for THREE HOURS, all of the power generating stations in Nigeria were generating a combined total of…wait for it…0MW!!!!
If you’ve not heard the gist, the minister of Science and Technology recently vowed to land Nigeria’s first astronaut in space before 2030.
For those here for the banter like us, check out this accurate timeline of the Space Mission 2030.
December 1, 2029 NTA: Nigeria will be joining the league of countries to send a man to the Mars.
January 4, 2030 NTA: Engineer Chuka Shehu Femi will be Nigeria’s first man on the Mars. More details about him to follow
January 4, 2030 10:00 TheCable: NUPENG, PENGASSAN to go on strike over planned Mars mission. More to follow
January 4, 2030 10:30 Punch: Breaking: Religious Groups protest over Atheist Engineer on Mars mission. “How will he pray to get there”
January 7,2030 12:30 PremiumTimes: Minority Groups kick against marginalisation in Space Mission
January 8, 2030 NTA: Senate go on 3 weeks recess, will begin Space Mission probe upon resumption
January 9, 2030 SaharaReporters: Save Nigeria Group seeks Court order to suspend all Space Missions
January 15, 2030 SaharaReporters: Breaking- Engineer Chuka laments “My life is in danger”
January 21, 2030 10:00 PremiumTimes: Federal High Court in Kutuwenji grants injunction suspending Space Mission to Mars
January 24, 2030 NTA: Breaking – Presidency approves inclusion of 6 astronauts, claims Federal Character
February 1, 2030 The Economist: Space Travel, Is Nigeria serious?
February 3, 2030 ThisDay: NSA Boss, Spaceship too small for 6 people, can only take 3.
February 6, 2030 ThisDay Style: The astronaut and their beautiful wives, Love in Space and Beyond.
February 6, 2030 Made: The Spacesuits, everything you need to know from designer, Mai Atafo
February 7, 2030 LindaIkeji: Outrage on Twitter as feminists lament non inclusion of women on Space Mission
February 7, 2030 09:30 SaharaReporters: Breaking: Wife of Nigeria Space Agency boss embroiled in Multi Billion Naira designer bag scandal
February 9, 2030 BudgtIT: The real cost of Nigeria’s Mission to Mars. Infographics, click here
February 10, 2030 SaharaReporters: How Nigeria Space Agency bought secondhand spaceship from China costing over $150Billion
February 11, 2030 ThisDay: Nigeria’s Opposition party labels Mission to Mars a colossal waste. “People are hungry, Mars is not Priority”
February 11, 2030 18:00 PremiumTimes: “They had 10 years to go to Mars but didn’t, they are wailing” Layi Momodu, Presidential Spokesman
March 1, 2030 Guardian: Celebrations across Nigeria as Spaceship is launched. “We have arrived”
March 2, 2030 NSA Digest: Fuel on Nigeria Spaceship cannot get to Mars. Moon likely destination
March 4, 2030 CNN: 300 days Nigeria Mars trip cut to 3 days Moon trip due to fuel issue.
March 5, 2030 PremiumTimes: “300 days trip in Space, President never said it was to Mars” Presidency
March 7, 2030 Punch: Space team to spend 300 days on the Moon to help Presidency save face.
March 8, 2030 SaharaReporters: How NSA Boss diverted Space fuel funds to overseas account.
March 12, 2030 SaharaReporters: Houseboy of neighbour to husband of NSA wife’s best friend’s younger sister picked up by EFCC.
March 15, 2030 PremiumTimes: Presidency rejects association with I fly with the President group.
June 20, 2030 ThisDay: 300 day Mission reduced to 100 days as Fasting season approaches.
June 20, 2030 10:00 SaharaReporters: Embattled NSA chief “Religious reasons for shortened trip are baseless. We found what we are looking for”
June 20, 2030 10:30 Punch: National Opposition Party jests “The thing they found on the Moon, does it have a name?”
June 22, 2030 PremiumTimes: President okays return of Spaceship in live video chat with crew on Paris trip.
July 30, 2030 BusinessDay: Nigeria Spaceship company, Arik Spaceshuttle Ltd, to commence commercial flights to Space
December 4, 2031 SaharaReporters: Nigerians stranded on Mars as Arik delays return trip by 3 months.
Going to a bank anywhere in Nigeria can be a very frustrating experience sometimes, but it can also be extremely amusing. The people you meet at any time can either make it worse or better for you.
1. The “ATM is not working” people
These ones are so quick to yell “ATM no dey work”. Brother nobody asked you.
2. The ones that want to enter the metal detector with you
No patience. No respect for personal space. These are the kind of people that will want to enter bathroom with you if they can.
3. The gateman that is very extra
“How is the week sir?”, “how is work?”, “can I clean your shoe for you?”, “let me help you hold your bag”. Brother calm down. Relax.
4. The pen borrowers
“Please can I borrow your pen”, “do you have an extra pen”. These are the ones that never took biros to an exam hall.
5. “Amatyour back please”
Nigerians never fail to do this. It’s like the rising of the sun. Just stay on the line yourself you won’t die now.
6. The impatient liars
“I was in front of you before you came”, “please my wife is in labor I need to cash this cheque quickly”. Are you serious right now sir?
7. The cashier that never has network
These ones are probably trying to bat their score on Solitaire or catching up on some gossip blog. They don’t even let you finish your question… “Please ma what is today’s dat..” “network is down”.
8. The ones that don’t know how to fill forms
These people are only pure stress. They will make you fill out about 10 different forms in the name of “I didn’t bring my glasses”. Please bring your glasses to the bank next time uncle.
9. The cashier that wants to give you N100 notes for a N10,000 withdrawal
Nothing as annoying as this happening. “we only have N100 notes” please keep it. It is me you want armed robbers to notice?
10. The oversabi customer service rep
These ones always go and ask their bosses for everything, have a company manual they consult before they do anything, and will ask you to bring your grandfather’s cap, the blood of an owl, Nnamdi Azikiwe’s NEPA bill and 10 other documents to collect your ATM. why?
11. The Fraudsters
“Please can you help me use this ATM card”, “I want to deposit money in your bank account and you will send it to me”. Not today Satan. Just run away.
12. The show offs
These ones walk into the bank and flash the cash so the N2,050 in your account begins to irritate you.
