Nigeria | Page 205 of 223

1. All your friends in Lagos had been telling you how lit Lagos is and the awesome places to seize the bae. So you carried your Ghana-must-go and travelled down.

Turn up!
2. Finding out there was traffic all the way from the airport to your house.

What is this?
3. When you passed through Ojota for the first time and the smell from the refuse dump hits your face hard.

Jesu Kristi!
4. When you realise Lagos is actually overpopulated and hot.

Why are you people so many?
5. When you remember how much light you had back home compared to Lagos.

I’m not coming back again.
6. When you try to rent a self-contained flat and they ask you to bring your kidney as rent payment.

Kuku harvest all my organs.
7. When you’re used to the chill life but everybody has no chill in Lagos.

Can’t you people just calm down for a second?
8. When you realise you either have to jump danfo or pay through your nose for cab fares.

Can I just go back home?
9. When you managed to take danfo and they were just the dirtiest buses in this life.

Iyama!
10. When you were sitting jejely in the danfo and people still came to rob you.

I want my mummy!
11. When you go the market and everybody starts grabbing you.

Are you alright?
12. Finding out most of the events people told you about were either expensive or really boring.

You lied to me!
13. When you finally get a chance to buy a car and LASTMA catches you for one tiny crime.

Ordinary driving in the BRT lane? Someone can’t play with you again.
14. Finding out people in Lagos drive like Mad Max.

Lagos drivers have no home training.
15. Before, you were just a peaceful somebody but now you’re always ready to fight with anybody that steps on you.

Hay God!
16. When you don’t even know how to talk quietly on the phone anymore.. because Lagos noise.

I’m sorry I can’t hear you over this person shouting beside me.
17. When you have to plan your day three days before because of Lagos traffic.

Lagos na wa!
1. How you feel when you activate a new data bundle:

YES!
2. When you don’t want wahala.

https://twitter.com/Skiwo/status/695901973288263681

3. The pain you feel when this comes up:

The worst.
4. You, trying to remember what you did that you’re already getting data warning.

How did this happen?
5. When you actually stop and calculate how much you spend on data in a month.

Jah Jehovah!
6. When they don’t warn you that data has finished and you use up all your credit.

I’m dead.
7. When one app says its update is available.

Better stay like that.
8. You, whenever you go somewhere that has wifi.

Abeg. Epp me out.
9. When you forget to turn on the wifi and realize you’ve been using your data.

See my life.
10. When your service provider “dashes” you 10 MB.

To use and do what?
11. When the wifi is slow so you have to turn it off and use your own data.

This was not the plan.
12. When someone abroad says they want to skype with you.

No thanks.
13. You, whenever your data finishes:

Oh God! Please no.
14. How you see your phone when there is no data:

Might as well throw it away.
1. When they come and say “we broke up”.

For the millionth time.
2. How they pretend to listen when you’re giving them advice:

“It’s true. You’re right.”
3. When you finish giving them advice but you know they will still go back.

Why do I even bother?
4. When they tell you they are “talking” to their ex again.

You’ve started again?
5. You and your guys, trying to stop them from going back.

Respect yourself, please.
6. When they tell you they want to give them one last chance.

Even though they’ve already given them 6 “last chances”.
7. When they go and tell their ex all the things you said about them.

Are you not mad like this?
8. How their ex looks at you when they get back together:

Na me mess up.
9. When they suddenly start treating you like an enemy of progress.

WOW!
10. When they say you’re just hating because you’re single.

See my life.
11. When their ex does the same nonsense and they call you to start crying.

12. When you tell them you don’t want to hear again.

13. When they now have the liver to call you a bad friend.

Na you sabi. Sha carry your wahala and go.
1. When you’re buying your ticket and the person says there’s no change.

You will not build house with all my change please.
2. When someone forms smart and cuts the line.

Me I’m here to sell groundnut abi?
3. Then they lie about being there before and find one mumu to support their story.

Two of you are foolish.
4. When someone starts a conversation with you so they can cut the line in front of you.

LOL, no.
5. If you’re a girl, one old woman is always there to tell you that you’re dressed improperly.

Yes. You said so yesterday too.
6. When you’ve been queueing for the bus since yesterday and it gets full right in front of you.

I’m not crying.
7. When there’s traffic and all the passengers are yelling at the driver to take an alternate route.

Sha don’t pass where they’ll rob us and harvest our kidneys.
8. Then the driver takes an alternate route and the bus gets stuck in more traffic.

You people can see what you caused abi?
9. When you’re in the BRT and you start feeling better than people in yellow buses.

Obviously, your priorities are not arranged.
10. When someone says “owa o” in the one of the new buses when they are actually supposed to press the bell.

You must be new around here.
11. When you – expert BRT taker – notice too late that they’ve passed your bus stop.

Oh God!
12. When the same people you saw yesterday, are there today and now they think you’re all some sort of BRT family.

They might keep space for you on the line sha.
13. When a stranger gets too close to you on the bus.

Sorry, do I know you?
14. When you’re using your phone and someone is looking into the phone.

Jesus!
15. When someone on the bus starts preaching.

I left yellow buses for this?
16. When the person next to you tries to chat you up.

If he/she is fine, listen first sha.
17. When someone starts eating near you.

Do you not know this is a confined space?
18. When the BRT stops in the middle of the road and the driver is asking passengers to help push it.

Not today, Satan. Thanks to @fosudo for his contribution to this post.
1. When pap finishes its first degree abroad and becomes custard:

2. When Nasco gets into an Ivy League college:

3. Limca, after passing GMAT:

4. When Goldspot finally finishes its Masters:

5. Ogogoro, after it has gotten its student Visa.

6. When egg roll gets its green card:

7. When Noreos lands itself a full scholarship:

8. When puff puff gets some international exposure:

9. When bread and stew leaves Nigeria for the first time:

10. Star, one week after landing in the abroad:

11. When kunu graduates with a first class:

12. When Trebor leaves the country with no intention of coming back:
1. This tweet about paternity

https://twitter.com/Punthief/status/600575081316757504

2. This tweet about fainting

My most embarrassing moment has to be when I fainted at Ojuelegba and the woman that poured water on me kept asking 'Dee you do aboshan?' 😢
— Sweet Ope (@SwitOpe) March 5, 2015

3. This tweet about the tomato

Lol what's the tomato doing there? Does it want to take a corner kick? 😂 pic.twitter.com/663fbVt3xM
— Omeiza (@Jatsabdul) January 7, 2016

4. This tweet about hiding your girlfriend

You cannot hide me oh. My yoruba will come out and thats how I'll just greet your mum from under the bed because I have home training
— Jola (@Jollz) September 23, 2015

5. This tweet about Olajumoke’s husband

https://twitter.com/MrOkeke_/status/699365924588142594

6. This tweet about MTN

Girl: No you hang up
Guy: No you hang up
Girl: Awwwww, No you hang up.

MTN: pic.twitter.com/sBVpNaClMv
— TheNigerianWeirdo (@NigerianWeirdo) October 14, 2015

7. This tweet about shopping

Nigerian: How much is this black Cartier watch?
Cashier: N850k sir. N: Hmmn. C: Do I bring it? N: Don’t you have it in reddish gold? — Chef-D’oeuvre (@TemiMartin) June 22, 2015
8. This tweet about Nigerian parents

Nigerian parents don't care if someone broke your heart and you're hurting. They will still call you to wash pot.
— Softie (@soniabladetweet) August 23, 2015

9. This tweet about Netflix and chill

When the movie is almost over and your crush who invited you for Netflix and chill hasn't touched your bra strap pic.twitter.com/0VlrVs0x7x
— flaw. (@goldenwura) February 14, 2016

10. This tweet about sheep and rams

https://twitter.com/IsabellahXOX/status/636100628775833600

11. This tweet about Shakiti bobo

Shakiti bobo will be playing and one babe will still be bringing yansh. Aunty pls give me space, I need to hang one leg in the air
— Uncle Choco (@TheLekan) September 19, 2015
12. This tweet about breastfeeding

https://twitter.com/HisRoyalDopenez/status/671315155238658049

13. This tweet about Law students

https://twitter.com/Jidee_/status/701670372266143746

14. This tweet about names

https://twitter.com/Sir_Scribbles/status/696313562831187968

15. This tweet about African mothers

https://twitter.com/chuuzzy/status/582676630369337344

16. This tweet about job interviews

[Job Interview]

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?"

"36"

"That's not even close"

"But it was quick"
— Book of Puns: Two Lovers & A Genie (@Snikoggs) January 15, 2016

17. This tweet about CVs

Writing CV for my guy…Baba no get job experience.

So I added 4yrs experience as 'Data analytics and Forecast Expert' cos Nairabet 🙂
— Reciprocator™ (@F_Jay_) October 21, 2015

18. This tweet about karaoke

First time I heard the word Karaoke, I thought it meant raise your body up. Growing up in Ibadan was tough man pic.twitter.com/xLMwIJuWgi
— o1a (@aistheGreat) July 5, 2015

19. This tweet about your mother’s name

It's crazy how some kids can get away with calling their parents by their names

I didn't even know my mum's name till she added me on FB.
— Capri-seun 🐐 (@Seunography) November 24, 2015

20. This tweet about Nigerians and questions

Interviewer: Is it true most Nigerians answer questions with questions? Nigerian man: Who told you that?
— Isima (@IsimaOdeh) January 7, 2015

21. This tweet about Nigerian mothers and answering calls

Nigerian mothers dnt pick call immediately. Atleast u must call like 3× , before they pick it frm inside their bag, wardrobe or pot of soup.
— Oiza (@Steadi_lady) September 21, 2015

22. This tweet about pigs

I'll never understand why my fam dont like eating pork "Pigs are dirty animals",

Its not like chickens & goats were using Dudu Osun😩😩😩
— Michael P. Okafor🇳🇱🇳🇬 (@Migiokafor) September 19, 2015

23. This tweet about being petty

https://twitter.com/Thelmzkitchen_/status/704694298625888257

24. This tweet about an Igbo song

please and please Yoruba people after 'aka mara mma" is not Kangaroo
— Hater (@eweredavid) January 5, 2016

25. This tweet about the army of The Lord

https://twitter.com/OswaldAW/status/557668670881939456

26. This tweet about JAMB

https://twitter.com/Chris_Obi_Goth/status/704613340572733440

27. This tweet about HR

Don't know why HR is frowning that I am bringing fufu to work from the house , if you had paid me for last month I might have ordered KFC.
— 🐘 (@TheGreyHunter) November 5, 2015
1. His pet Tiger

2. His trip to France

3. His new testament miracle

4. Her 1998 McLaren

5. His ocean chilling

6. His red ferrari

7. Her royal welcome

8. Her trip to China

9. Her brand new house

10. His view of “the abroad”

11. His trip to the zoo

12. His date with Amber Rose

13. Her skydive without a parachute

14. His casual ride on a chopper

15. Her meeting with the Kenyan president

16. His new ride in the middle of his room

17. Her work work work work work work work
1. When the exams you haven’t studied for get moved because of the strike.

Thank you, God!
2. You, a couple of days into the strike.

YES! Let me rest small, abeg.
3. You, a couple of months into the strike.

God, I’ve changed my mind! Just call it off, biko.
4. When you’re the only one at home because everyone else is in school.

What is all this?
5. Whenever you try to pick up a school book to study.

6. How your private uni friends look at you when you tell them the strike is still on:

7. You, calculating how long you’ll actually be in school for a 4-year course.

8. “You see? If you had just gone to a private univer…”

Just save it.
9. When your parents start annoying you more than usual.

It’s not your fault.
10. You, looking for any job because you just can’t sit at home again.

Anything. Please, just epp.
11. When you see people from your school outside.

It will soon be over.
12. When you hear that exam will start one week after the strike ends.

Excuz mi?
13. When they finally call off the strike and you still haven’t read anything.

Hay God!
1. When you tell someone where you’re from and they start speaking your language to you.

Ah! Calm down.
2. How Nigerians look at you when you say you can’t speak your language:

I’m sorry.
3. When you lie that you can speak it and someone asks you to.

Uhm. Actually…
4. When your relatives visit and your parents completely dump English.

Hay God! I’m missing family gist.
5. When you hear some words that you understand and try to connect the dots.

I must do this amebo.
6. When a relative that knows you don’t understand keeps speaking it to you.

What’s the point?
7. When your parents only ever spoke English to you and then all of a sudden say “speak your language!”

How though?
8. When you hear your name mentioned in a conversation happening in your native language.

Hay God!
9. When one of your relatives offers to teach you.

I no do.
10. When they start comparing you to your cousin that is fluent.

What’s my own?
11. When you go to the village and someone comments on how you “still don’t understand it.”

See me see trouble.
12. When you have to visit relatives that can only speak the language.

Oh God!
13. You, attempting to speak it = 80% English + 20% Words you can remember.

I’m trying na.
1. When the call is sounded all must answer:

Voice and bearing showing neither shame nor fear.
2. When you come to school with your newest white.

Feeling myself.
3. How boys enter Queens College for Interhouse Sports:

Kill them.
4. When you hear that Mr. Abati is the one to flog you.

Jehovah!
5. When you forget to add “please” at the end of every sentence when talking to your seniors.

Sorry please.
6. When you hear a senior shout “a boy there” or “last boy”

RUN!!!
7. When you leave main camp a senior and go to annex and become a junior again.

Why God?
8. When the PKC wants to call the last five after exams on assembly.

Hay! I can’t be a bango this term.
9. When you now hear your name called on assembly as one of the first five.

As a cracko!
10. You, after finishing Ikoyi run.

Glucose oh!
11. When you go and buy yellow buns and they tell you they have finished.

Why me?
12. When boys see one ISL boy at QC socials.

Leave this place.
13. When St Greg’s boys see you with a girl from Holy Child.

E go pain you die.
14. When the PKC sends you and your guys to go and rep for debate at QC.

Winning!
15. When you’re outside and you hear “FLOREAT!!!”

OLD BOY!