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We know some of you are single to stupor and currently searching for the love of your life. Twitter user, @Vaness_ah, the newest love doctor in town, took it upon herself to help those who are tired of the single life. She asked them to tweet at her stating what they had to offer in a relationship and the replies were hilarious.
https://twitter.com/Vaness_ah/status/727527855857504257

Some people are young and ready for it.

@Vaness_ah I may be young but I’m ready to love, got great taste in music, funny and i love breast. pic.twitter.com/DG3SmFn9CR
— M. (@King_Eisenheim) May 3, 2016
This guy won’t ask you to pay if you go out with him.

@Vaness_ah
I can cook I’m not boring all the time I have great taste in music I smell nice I won’t ask you to pay if we go out — Hugo (@Hxgo__) May 3, 2016
This guy’s plantain game is on point.

@Vaness_ah just epp me plix. I will cook and wash paynt everyday. Professional plantain fryer too pic.twitter.com/NkckURFuQi
— Idris Elba (@DJBLAKITO) May 4, 2016
This fine girl that has happiness to share.

@Vaness_ah can cook
Would make you happy . ? pic.twitter.com/Ktfs4xlmhY — TW wigs • Emotions (@Teniwadess) May 3, 2016
This young and humble individual.

@Vaness_ah see, I might be young but I’m ready. It’s beg I’m begging, I don’t do igberaga,ham kul&gr8. pic.twitter.com/nozVXqFKhw
— young jethro. (@TheGreyHunter) May 3, 2016
This upcoming rich guy that wants to be trapped with Oha soup.

@Vaness_ah i am upcoming rich, 6’6, slim and light skinned and just trap me if you can prepare ofe oha .. lol pic.twitter.com/EwQXmp1Cia
— Hussein (@ChidiZeus) May 3, 2016
This self-proclaimed Yoruba demon.

Wow animal RT @moyodre1: @Vaness_ah Yoruba demon, dog, approach with caution. Looking for prey. pic.twitter.com/HzUhmJTmKE
— Kunle Salensa (@badmankayy) May 3, 2016
This occasionally single guy.

@Vaness_ah I don’t like people, sometimes I can be single sometimes not pic.twitter.com/lj1Vpc8sOE
— LRVD EVANS XVIII (@TheKidEMC) May 3, 2016
This girl that will always ask if her bae has eaten.

@Vaness_ah
If you date me, I’ll ask you if you’ve eaten pic.twitter.com/6acZZt2Buq — Nedu Too Much Money (@hrm_chinedum) May 3, 2016
The girl with international exposure and dual citizenship.

@Vaness_ah I have blue Pali and I can cook. Btw you can lay on my chest after a long day. Plx, thanks pic.twitter.com/Tvje8ndhX0
— Arewa (@itsife_love) May 3, 2016
This rich man that cheats once in a while.

@Vaness_ah I’m rich and I cheat only once a week. pic.twitter.com/Sbxy7X1IGp
— Osama Bin Login (@snypa_CFC) May 3, 2016
This guy that can spread clothes very well.

@Vaness_ah I believe this site can Epp ? pic.twitter.com/z6RCUe5b9M
— PAPI (@BeLikeFrn6) May 3, 2016
This guy that wants us to know he’s a child of God.

@Vaness_ah ?? pic.twitter.com/ealM8Fx83M
— Retired Demon ✌ (@IbraBollZ) May 3, 2016
This guy just wants international exposure at all costs.

@Vaness_ah I need a girl who won Amelica visa lottery and needs a fake husband to escort her there. pic.twitter.com/OktqcpuB9h
— Bowale (@Son_of_a_O) May 4, 2016
This very good ‘toaster’.

@Vaness_ah I’m warm and accomodation. And i can toast well pic.twitter.com/KYLQOMiNVl
— OJ for Only Juice (@OJ_SEYI) May 3, 2016
This guy that will never eat from ‘edible catering’.

@Vaness_ah I can sing ?
I won’t do cocaine while you’re recording I don’t know any edible catering #waveBoy ???? pic.twitter.com/VtKwg0LW0w — KIYAGI (@KizzErnie) May 3, 2016
We wish everybody that’s currently searching for the bae of their dreams all the best.
[zkk_poll post=31577 poll=content_block_standard_format_18]
1. When you told your friends that you’re going abroad for Uni but your father says you should go and pick JAMB form.

Oh God! Why me?
2. When you’re filing JAMB form with your parents and start writing “Theatre Ar…”

Jisos!
3. When your mother forces you to fill in Engineering/Law/Medicine as 1st and 2nd choice.

Epp me, God!
4. You and your guys entering JAMB lesson like:

Bad guys.
5. When you see your elders writing in the same JAMB centre as you.

My oga.
6. When JAMB gives you that useless calculator for Maths.

To use and do what?
7. When someone that has a different exam type is still copying you.

Are you normal?
8. JAMB and Nokia torchlight phones.

When you hear that ringtone, you know dubs have arrived.
9. When you hear that JAMB results are out.

Hay God!
10. When your classmate that paid for special centers still scores 130.

Good for you.
11. Your mother checking your JAMB result with you.

I’m not ready.
12. When you only had to write JAMB 3 times before passing.

I sabi book.
13. When you finally pass JAMB but remember you still have to pass Post JAMB.

Chai!
14. How old you feel when you hear that this is how they write JAMB now:

I’m old sha.
1. When someone hits your car and you know your day is about to get bad.

Not today, Satan!
2. When you come down and the person first starts shouting at you.

Is this one mad?
3. When the person tries to lay the blame on you.

Oga fix your life.
4. When the person hits your car and starts begging.

Dun cry, dun beg please.
5. When the people around you start helping you blame the person.

“It’s his fault.” YES!
6. But there are others that are helping him to beg you.

“Oga forgive him.”
7. When you’re a woman and the man that bashes you says he wants to talk to your husband.

On top my own car?!
8. When the person bashes your car and tries to drive away.

Where is this one going?
9. When it’s only a scratch but you feel compelled to make trouble.

You have to pay oh!
10. When the person destroys all your tail-lights and is like “Oga it’s small now”.

HAY GOD! Somebody hold me!
11. When a policeman interferes and you know you have to give him money after.

Who sent you now?
12. When everyone tries to help you settle so you’ll stop causing traffic.

This is where we will all sleep.
13. When someone bashes your car and you come down and see it’s a military man.

Ahan! This small scratch? Don’t worry, Sir.
14. When the people in the traffic you caused start cursing you and the other person.

Jesus! It’s not my fault now!
15. When random people gather to watch the exchange.

Is it Nollywood?
The 2016 edition of the Met gala was lit. This year’s theme was Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology.

This meant that celebs were expected to slay in futuristic and probably tech-inspired designs. And because Nigerians are awesomely creative, a Twitter user @bubblegumbae, photo-shopped pictures of celebs at the Met gala dressed in Nigerian attire.
See how flawless Beyonce looks with that gele.

The pop of colour on Demi Lovato’s dress is just on fleek!

Meet Mazi Kanyechukwu and Lolo Kimberly West.

Kris Jenner looks like she’s about to turn up at the hottest Owambe of the century.

Who would have thought this lovely dress would look this gorgeous with a gele?

Zendaya channeling all that Nigerian slay.

Featured image credit: @bubblegumbae
1. You, the first time you ever tried to put them in your eyes.

The struggle.
2. When your friend tells you how easy it is to wear them.

Na so.
3. When you put your contacts in and your eyes start itching.

Hay God!
4. When people ask you how you can put your finger in your eyes.

Is it your eyes?
5. When you realize how expensive they are.

Na wa oh.
6. When you wear coloured contacts and people ask if you’re mixed race.

Are you joking?
7. When you see someone putting their contacts in with long fingernails.

I hail you.
8. How you wake up after falling asleep with your contacts in.

Chineke!
9. How your parents react to your coloured contacts:

Mummy, calm down.
10. When one of your lenses falls out of your eye.

Jisos!
11. When you have to put the contacts you just picked from the floor back in your eyes.

Gross!
12. Your eyes during harmattan:

I’m dying.
13. When you want to take out your contacts but you can’t find the case.

What is this nonsense?
14. When you don’t put them in a contact solution and they dry up.

Oh God!
1. When there is a chore to do and nobody wants to do it.

I’m not moving.
2. You, waiting for your turn to use the bathroom.

What is it?
3. When you stop and calculate how much your parents spend on school fees.

Wow! You people are trying.
4. When you get called the wrong name on a daily basis.

Am I not your child again?
5. How you fight for the remote when everybody wants to watch a different channel:

We must kill ourselves sha.
6. When it’s time to go out and everyone heads to the car like:

The struggle.
7. When someone eats the food you were hiding.

You people want to die.
8. You, trying to find some privacy.

Mission Impossible.
9. When a day cannot pass without 2 or more people fighting.

Na wa.
10. When you can’t find something and you don’t even know who to start accusing.

You people sef.
11. What the kitchen looks like after every meal:

Jah Jehovah!
12. Whenever it is time for the whole family to travel.

The stress.
13. What your house looks like when relatives visit:

The worst.
14. When your parents buy something for one of you without buying for everyone else.

Better go and buy our own.
15. Your contact list:

The endless numbers. Your whole family.
16. What your Whatsapp family group looks like:

Like a marketplace.
In the spirit of football, Twitter user @Wac_clumsy re-imagined Nigerian musicians as international football clubs and the comparisons were too accurate.
Here are the 24 musicians he compared to International football clubs:

1. Davido- PSG

Because Davido got to the top because of money and has been consistent since then.
2. Tuface – Real Madrid

Tuface has been awesome ever since and still bossing the industry.
3. Skales – Arsenal FC

Because he’s so close to making it, yet always so far.
4. D’banj – Manchester United

D’banj like Man-U was always bossing it till he changed management, then he dropped a bit but he bounced back.
5. Burna boy – West Ham

He is very good but never really gets the recognition he deserves.

6. D’Prince – West Brom

Known but hugely irrelevant.
7. Pasuma – Juventus

He is bossing it in a league of his own (Fuji).
8. Seyi Shay – Aston Villa

Always making stupid (in her case grammatical) errors and embarrassing herself.
9. Patoranking – Athletico Madrid

Patoranking came from nothing to try and upset the big boys.
10. Olu maintain – QPR

Gets relegated, bounces back, gets relegated again.
11. Lynxx – Manchester City

Although Lynxx made it because of the money, he has been hugely inconsistent.
12. Darey – Barcelona

Very good, sings with this charisma that only he has. One of the best.
13. Viktoh – Sassuolo

That’s right, so irrelevant!
14. Adekunle Gold – Dortmund

Came from nowhere, is very good and is loved by all.
15. Sinzu – Valencia

Your time at the top is over. Just stop making music.
16. Ice Prince – Chelsea

Made it, then started singing/playing rubbish.
17. Vector – Liverpool

Inconsistent and underrated.
18. Olamide – Tottenham

Using young boys to make it. Respect!
19. Ycee – Leicester City

Came from nothing and hugely making it.
20. B-red – Monaco

Very useless, upon all the money.
21. 9ice – AC Milan

His era of dominance is over.
22. Reekado Banks – Watford

He’s making a promising start so far.
23. Sina Rambo – Portsmouth

That one still dey sing sef?
24. Phyno – Napoli

Nobody understands him but he’s making it. Check out @Wac_Clumsy‘s Twitter account for more.
1. You to Nigeria, when your student visa gets approved.

I’m out.
2. When all the scholarships have “must be a citizen to apply”.

Is it fair?
3. When you can’t talk to a Nigerian at home without them reminding you it will soon expire.

You’ll be fine.
4. When you can’t work more than 20 hours a week and your bills are just looking at you like:

Hay God!
5. Nigerians at home, when you try to give your political opinions:

No vex.
6. When your friends want you to come back home and visit.

This friendship is too expensive, biko.
7. You, when citizens start shouting “fuck the police.”

I’m not among oh.
8. When you try to travel somewhere else with your student visa.

The pain.
9. When you can’t do anything without filling a million forms.

Kill me na.
10. When you come back home and your parents start stressing you.

Let me do and go back.
11. When your friends are talking about skipping class and you remember your visa status.

I cannot come and go and fail.
12. When you realize your visa is about to expire.

Jisos!
13. When you want to renew your visa and they’ve increased the cost.

WHY?
14. When you’re waiting to see if they will grant you the renewal.

God epp me.
15. You to the country, when you succesfully renew your student visa.

Winning!
DJ Khaled’s keys to success made a lot of people join Snapchat, However, the brains behind the app have blessed the world with more awesome filters and Nigerians couldn’t be more pleased. Here are 13 types of Nigerians you’ll recognise on the Snapchat app:
1. The black girl magic filter people

These ones want to sha glo up by force. They have stopped using any other filter since they discovered the glory of this flower crown filter that makes everybody look extremely gorgeous.
2. The people that won’t let us hear word with this dog filter

Almost every Nigerian on Snapchat has used this filter. No need to be ashamed, we have all tried to look cute with this filter and stick out our tongues shamelessly.
3. The Amebo people

They’re always the ones with all the receipts. They never post anything but are always the first to view everybody’s snaps and take screenshots.
4. The cool kid

These ones don’t have anybody’s time, they just post their snaps and leave. They don’t care about other people’s snaps so far everybody else is viewing theirs.
5. The money bag

These ones like to pose with money and tell us how their money grows like grass. Even if the money is not their own, they’re sha doing it for Snapchat.
6. The video vixen

These ones just record themselves trying to be sexy in front of the camera while music is playing in the background. Nobody knows what they want to achieve with that sha.
7. The foodie

These ones sha want everyone to know they eat only fine and assorted food. They like to tension people with what’s on their plate and how well they can cook.
8. The attention whore

These ones just post the most ridiculous things for attention. They’re the reason why you don’t open your Snapchat in public because their nudes can just pop on your feed at any time.
9. The commentator

They do the biggest oversabi and would comment on anything and everything in this life. They always have something to say about other people’s snaps.
10. The ones that love to DM

These ones send DMs of their pictures to everyone on their Snapchat feed. Maybe they’re trying to seize the bae at all costs sha.
11. The reality TV wannabe

You could list the names of everybody in their families, the date their bae broke up with them and their underwear sizes through their snaps.
12. The turn up kings/queens

These ones are just there to make you tired of your really boring life. They’re always turning up at Owambes every Saturday and lit events every other day of the week.
13. The driver

If you can’t drive or own a car, these ones are there to make you feel bad about your keke Marwa and Danfo life. How they manage to Snapchat and drive “safe” is still a mystery.
These are currently the most popular posts on Zikoko! So, if by any chance you missed any on the list or you just feel like revisiting some of your biggest laughs, we decided to make them just a click away.
1. 35 Hilarious Nigerian Church Posters You Have To See To Believe

You won’t believe your eyes.
2. 15 Things Every Nigerian Abroad Says When They Come Back Home For The Holidays

All our I-Just-Got-Back people.
3. The Complete Guide To Being A Yoruba Demon

The professional heartbreakers.
4. The Hilarious Life of A Nigerian Medical Student

All hail our Nigerian doctors.
5. 18 Things That Are Too Real For Nigerians That Study Abroad

The exchange rate struggle.
6. 30 Tweets By Nigerians That Are Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Out Loud

You can’t get through this post without laughing.
7. 17 Things Only People Who Attended Covenant University Will Relate To

Caution! Caution!! Caution!!!
8. 17 Sentences Everyone Who Grew Up With Nigerian Parents Will Be Used To

“When you’re always pressing your phone.”
9. A List of Some of Our Favorite Nigerianisms

Nigerians and sarcasm.
10. 17 Things Only People Who Attended Unilag Can Completely Relate To

For our Unilag people.
11. 27 Times Nigerians Were The Funniest People On The Internet

Nigerians are just hilarious.
12. 20 Reasons Superheroes Cannot Survive In Nigeria

Where will Batman find fuel for his Batmobile?
13. 15 Ways Nigerian Parents Are Completely Different From Parents Everywhere Else

They sha really LOVE shouting.
14. 15 Signs Your Nigerian Boyfriend Is Not A Serious Somebody
If he isn’t spending his school fees on you, is it love?
15. QUIZ: How Ajepako Are You?

Let us tell you your Ajepako percentage.

Some people are young and ready for it.

This guy won’t ask you to pay if you go out with him.

This guy’s plantain game is on point.

This fine girl that has happiness to share.

This young and humble individual.

This upcoming rich guy that wants to be trapped with Oha soup.

This self-proclaimed Yoruba demon.

This occasionally single guy.

This girl that will always ask if her bae has eaten.

The girl with international exposure and dual citizenship.

This rich man that cheats once in a while.

This guy that can spread clothes very well.

This guy that wants us to know he’s a child of God.

This guy just wants international exposure at all costs.

This very good ‘toaster’.

This guy that will never eat from ‘edible catering’.

We wish everybody that’s currently searching for the bae of their dreams all the best.

1. When you told your friends that you’re going abroad for Uni but your father says you should go and pick JAMB form.

2. When you’re filing JAMB form with your parents and start writing “Theatre Ar…”

3. When your mother forces you to fill in Engineering/Law/Medicine as 1st and 2nd choice.

4. You and your guys entering JAMB lesson like:

5. When you see your elders writing in the same JAMB centre as you.

6. When JAMB gives you that useless calculator for Maths.

7. When someone that has a different exam type is still copying you.

8. JAMB and Nokia torchlight phones.

9. When you hear that JAMB results are out.

10. When your classmate that paid for special centers still scores 130.

11. Your mother checking your JAMB result with you.

12. When you only had to write JAMB 3 times before passing.

13. When you finally pass JAMB but remember you still have to pass Post JAMB.

14. How old you feel when you hear that this is how they write JAMB now:

1. When someone hits your car and you know your day is about to get bad.

2. When you come down and the person first starts shouting at you.

3. When the person tries to lay the blame on you.

4. When the person hits your car and starts begging.

5. When the people around you start helping you blame the person.

6. But there are others that are helping him to beg you.

7. When you’re a woman and the man that bashes you says he wants to talk to your husband.

8. When the person bashes your car and tries to drive away.

9. When it’s only a scratch but you feel compelled to make trouble.

10. When the person destroys all your tail-lights and is like “Oga it’s small now”.

11. When a policeman interferes and you know you have to give him money after.

12. When everyone tries to help you settle so you’ll stop causing traffic.

13. When someone bashes your car and you come down and see it’s a military man.

14. When the people in the traffic you caused start cursing you and the other person.

15. When random people gather to watch the exchange.

The 2016 edition of the Met gala was lit. This year’s theme was Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology.

See how flawless Beyonce looks with that gele.

The pop of colour on Demi Lovato’s dress is just on fleek!

Meet Mazi Kanyechukwu and Lolo Kimberly West.

Kris Jenner looks like she’s about to turn up at the hottest Owambe of the century.

Who would have thought this lovely dress would look this gorgeous with a gele?

Zendaya channeling all that Nigerian slay.

1. You, the first time you ever tried to put them in your eyes.

2. When your friend tells you how easy it is to wear them.

3. When you put your contacts in and your eyes start itching.

4. When people ask you how you can put your finger in your eyes.

5. When you realize how expensive they are.

6. When you wear coloured contacts and people ask if you’re mixed race.

7. When you see someone putting their contacts in with long fingernails.

8. How you wake up after falling asleep with your contacts in.

9. How your parents react to your coloured contacts:

10. When one of your lenses falls out of your eye.

11. When you have to put the contacts you just picked from the floor back in your eyes.

12. Your eyes during harmattan:

13. When you want to take out your contacts but you can’t find the case.

14. When you don’t put them in a contact solution and they dry up.

1. When there is a chore to do and nobody wants to do it.

2. You, waiting for your turn to use the bathroom.

3. When you stop and calculate how much your parents spend on school fees.

4. When you get called the wrong name on a daily basis.

5. How you fight for the remote when everybody wants to watch a different channel:

6. When it’s time to go out and everyone heads to the car like:

7. When someone eats the food you were hiding.

8. You, trying to find some privacy.

9. When a day cannot pass without 2 or more people fighting.

10. When you can’t find something and you don’t even know who to start accusing.

11. What the kitchen looks like after every meal:

12. Whenever it is time for the whole family to travel.

13. What your house looks like when relatives visit: