Nigeria | Page 195 of 223

1. You, the night before you go to apply for a visa.

Baba God, do it for your child.

2. You and Visa forms.

The stress.

3. When you get rejected by some countries and you’re just there thinking about your life.

Is this my life? Even this skreppy country is rejecting me?

4. The moment you realize your passport is lowkey just a wallet for visas.

When will it get better, ehn?

5. You, praying that the immigration officer suddenly becomes colour blind.

He shall see blue in Jesus’ name.

6. What the line for foreign passports looks like in a new country:

What is all this?

7. How immigration officers look at you when you bring out your green passport:

Oh God!

8. Your face, whenever they detain you at a foreign airport.

Why always me?

9. You, looking at the countries that you don’t need a visa to enter.

Is this a joke?

10. When countries in the same Africa as you are still asking for a visa too.

In my own continent again?

11. You, watching your friends with blue and red passports plan summer holidays.

Chai!

12. Whenever citizens start misbehaving around you.

Abeg oh! I know the colour of my passport.

13. When you want to enter your own country and they are answering people with blue and red passports first.

What the hell?
1. When you enter a new class and the teacher is looking for someone to choose as captain.

I’m not here for all that responsibility, abeg.
2. When that annoying classmate that was campaigning hard doesn’t get picked.

Ouch!
3. When you’re gisting with your guys and you hear the class captain shout “ALL STAND GREET!”

Oh God!
4. Class Captain: “Sir, you said you would give us a test after today’s cla…”

Are you well like this?
5. When they remind the teacher that was already leaving about collecting assignment.

What the hell?
6. When the class realizes they started writing names of noise makers 30 minutes ago.

You cannot warn people, abi?
7. Your face, when the teacher doesn’t collect the names from them:

Especially after there was (x20) by your own name.
8. When you see them going to call that teacher that already forgot about their class.

Who sent you message?
9. When a teacher asks them if your class has a free period and they lie that you don’t.

You sabi the work.
10. When they forget to tell the class that the teacher said their will be a test.

If it’s to write names of noise makers you’ll remember that one.
11. When you’ve not finished your assignment and the class captain is leaving to submit.

Wait na.
12. When you see the class captain coming with exam scripts.

Bring that thing.
13. The class captains face, when they flog him because of the class:

“You people will see.”
14. When the class captain tells that oversabi teacher that their time is up.

Bless you.
1. How people act shocked when you tell them there’s an airport in Ibadan.

Close your mouth!

2. When you get to the airport and realise it looks like a bungalow.

What’s this nonsense?

3. You, trying to calculate the number of times you almost got killed by one of those Micra drivers.

Hay God!

4. You, when people talk about the brown roofs of Ibadan.

That’s my city, people!

5. When you realise you don’t have to sell one of your kidneys to pay for rent.

Winning!

6. How the market women at Ogunpa look at you when you start pricing their goods anyhow.

Calm down na.

7. How they curse you after you refuse to buy anything from them.

Back to sender abeg!

8. When you tell the cab man to take you to the mall but he doesn’t get it till you say “Shoprite”.

Na wa.

9. How the mall at Ring Road looks like on the weekend.

Is everybody in Ibadan here?

10. You, when Lagos people complain about traffic.

Sucks to be you right now.

11. How you eat when you go to Skye Bank amala.

Who home training epp?

12. When people that live in Idi Ayunre and Lalupon start claiming Ibadan.

Don’t famz abeg.

13. When Lagos people try to diss Ibadan for being dirty.

But you people’s Ojota dustbin is there sha.

7 Things Ibadan People Enjoy That Lagosians Don’t

[donation]
1. Singing the last line as “sandalili sandalili”

Sandalili was sweeter to sing, abeg.

2. Your face, when you learnt “Jangilova epo motor” was actually “Jingle over like a motor”.

It’s still Jangilova epo motor to me sha. Fight me.

3. This song I still don’t understand:

Who the hell was Mr. Macaroni?

4. This song that made absolutely no sense:

No seriously, how do you kiss a snake by mistake?

5. The jara we added to this old matching song:

What does Baba Ibadan even mean?

6. Just learning as you read this that “Osingo singo praise The Lord” is actually “Oh sing my soul and praise The Lord”.

Don’t say we never taught you anything.

7. The song about this olodo:

Johnbull was clearly a waste of school fees sha.

8. You, singing it as Arise O COMPASSION for the better part of your childhood.

What is a “Compatriots” biko?

9. Ajebutter kids looking at you whenever you sang “Leke Leke give me white finger”:

Did it ever work for anybody?

10. The sweetest victory song to ever exist:

’96 Summer Olympics turn up.

11. Looking up at an aeroplane and singing “Aeroplane odabo ba mi k’iya mi eleko…”

Don’t judge.

12. Putting paper on someone’s head and singing:

13. Whenever this happened:

Hay God!
1. You, every day you have to go into work:

Just leave me to die.
2. When you hear that NLC wants to go on strike.

NLC, carry on.
3. When you get to work late and your oga starts disturbing you.

Can I live?
4. When one of your colleagues touches your food.

It’s all over. Don’t cry. Don’t beg.
5. You, looking at the clock everyday till it’s time to leave.

Time, hurry up na.
6. When you see someone baffing up to work.

So extra.
7. Your face, when you realize that someone has exchanged your chair with theirs.

Are you mad?
8. Whenever a colleague tries to turn off the AC.

You want to die, ehn?
9. When it’s 5 minutes to closing time and you see a colleague approaching with a file.

God forbid.
10. When your oga tries to give you work after 5.

BYE!
11. Whenever a colleague tries to make conversation with you outside the office.

Don’t biko.
12. You, when your salary was meant to enter by 5:00 and it’s already 5:01.

BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY!
13. When you get a work email during the weekend.

Not today, satan.
14. When they ask if you can come into work on a public holiday.

Keep dreaming.
15. When they give that your oversabi colleague extra work after closing time.

Good for you.
16. When your oga catches you reading Zikoko at the office.

Hay God!
After making Nigerians throw the hottest Shoki on the dance floor with his hit Single, Woju, Kiss Daniel only saw it fit to drop his debut album in May 2016.

Surprisingly, his new album, New Era, is charting at number 8 on the Billboard World Album Chart, less than 2 weeks after it dropped.

Pretty impressive! Considering the fact that he took the risk of not featuring any major artists on the album.

The chart, which is a weekly ranking of top-selling world music albums implies that Kiss Daniel’s album is doing very well within and outside the country.

Congratulations to Kiss Daniel on this achievement! We hope the album makes it to the big charts sha!
1. We hail thee Alma matter…

“Perseverance breeds success.”
2. The only houses that mattered:

Mig House steady carrying last sha.
3. Everybody walking to the ESD field for Inter-house sports practice like:

The most annoying walk ever.
4. The BEST teacher to ever do it:

If you still didn’t like Economics after he taught you, then I don’t know again. May his soul rest in peace.
5. You and your guys, arriving for Speech and Prize giving day in you trads like:

TURN UP!
6. How you felt whenever you had to go into the admin block:

The fear was too real.
7. Whenever students saw RSM M.W.O Maha coming.

I cannot come and die.
8. How soldiers see you when you don’t have a badge on your uniform:

It’s all over.
9. Your face, when you hear that Oga Abdul is the one to flog you:

I’m dead.
10. Whenever someone tries to beg you for doughnut at Zobo joint.

Better leave my front.
11. When you hear that you have to go to Mr. Martins office for Maths.

You know someone will sha get flogged.
12. Whenever soldiers decided to walk along the assembly line for inspection.

Baba God, be a shield.
13. Baba Seun, whenever boys went to play games after school:

He used us to cash out sha.
14. When you had a free period and Commandant was roaming senior block.

Before they will flog us to death.
15. You, heading to Bush Canteen when school closes:

No time.
16. The school’s unofficial mascot:

Met it and left it there.
Tomatoes have become scarce and really expensive in Nigeria as a result of pestilence caused by a moth, Tuta Absoluta, which has damaged many farmers’ harvest across the country. Sigh!
And while Nigerians are trying to deal with this problem, you won’t believe there’s an actual tomato throwing festival in Spain annually.

During the festival known as La Tomatina people from all around the world travel to a village near Valencia in Spain, and throw tomatoes for entertainment. And guess what? This is the 70th year of the festival.
People suddenly began sharing images from previous La Tomatina festivals and these were our reactions:

When you hear about an actual tomato festival but refuse to believe it.

Na lie abeg!
When you see pictures of them throwing tomatoes during the festival

Are those even real tomatoes?
When you remember you bought 4 tomatoes at 500 Naira.

When you see people celebrate a tomato throwing festival while in your country 4 pieces is 500 Naira . 😀😀😀 pic.twitter.com/QRnwfTqkoS
— Oma Akatugba (@omaakatugba) May 23, 2016

Come and adopt me please.
When the tomatoes they’re throwing become bars of gold in your eyes.

https://twitter.com/Clarenceonyeks/status/734410949331947520
You people are gods oh.
When you realise the tomatoes they’re throwing can make a hundred pots of soup.

People see usage of Tomato in Spain. That is pot of stew for a whole village https://t.co/FhwLc3TFcw
— Joshua Pololis Wang (@PololisWang) May 22, 2016

Jesus!
When you don’t mind making stew with the tomatoes on the floor.

https://twitter.com/Sawamss/status/734454309153300481
Who neatness don epp at this point?
When you start wondering how they got so many free tomatoes.

How though?
When you start thinking of going to Spain to help them take care of their tomatoes.

Edakun, let me assist you.
People of Spain, come and dash us the tomatoes that you’re not using.

We’re not even doing shakara!
The Voice Nigeria just concluded its ‘Blind Auditions’ round, and these are the 8 singers we at Zikoko are lowkey rooting for:
8. Vicky’s powerful voice on Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’.

7. Emem doing serious justice to Waje’s ‘No Be You’.

6. Joe Blue knocking Michael Bolton’s ‘How Am I Supposed To Live Without You’ out of the park.

5. Obed Ogbonna’s raspy rendition of Adele’s ‘One And Only’.

4. Theodora giving us serious Tina Turner vibes while singing P!nk’s ‘Try’.

3. Cornell taking us to church with R. Kelly’s ‘When A Woman Loves’.

2. Nonso Bassey’s beautifully controlled version of Seal’s ‘Kiss From A Rose’.

1. Chike giving us life with James Arthur’s ‘Roses’.
1. Cars are for suckers. Buy yourself a horse.

That’s one less thing that needs petrol.
2. Don’t go out.

If you won’t get a horse, then the next best thing is to stay permanently in your house. Because the truth is, there really isn’t anything important out there.
3. If your friends ask you to come and hang out, say no. Because fuel.

Fuel don cost.
4. If you’re in more than one relationship, now is the time to bring it down to one.

Maintenance costs have doubled.
5. Beware of the people that want to do you favors that require crossing Third Mainland bridge.

Do they mean you well?
6. When you’re driving and you encounter traffic. Get down and start walking.

But lock your car. You’re saving fuel.
7. It’s only been 5 years, but move in with the one partner you have left.

It’s efficient. And romantic.
8. Tell your partner: No more driving to fancy restaurants.

YES!
9. Stop spending money. Our forefathers survived on trade by barter.

We can, too.
10. You and the heat.

You should be one now.
11. Nigerian generator time used to be 7-10pm. Now it’s 8-10pm. Adjust accordingly.

Not even 10:01pm.
12. Whenever it rains, you already know not to put the gen on.

Use the breeze of God.
13. Quit any job that is more than 15 minutes away from your house.

Who needs a job?
14. Marry into a petrol wealth family…Alakija…Otedola.

It’s a by force thing oh!
15. Pray for Nigeria.

Fast. Pray. Light Candles. Say the Fatiha. Offer up Benediction. Dance. Do prayer of the faithful. Give sacrifices.