Neighbour | Zikoko!

Love your neighbour as yourself, but what if they act like crazy people? From the guy who stinks up the compound with his shoes to the nosy landlady, these Nigerians tell us why they’ve stopped being friendly with their neighbours.

Tomi*

My neighbour’s a Yahoo boy who blasts music as loud as hell all night long, and worse, it’s not even good music! Just razz street songs from other Yahoo musicians. We’ve all complained to the landlord, but he’s not doing anything about it.

Kola*

He points his generator’s exhaust towards my room door, and it drives me insane. I’ll get home, and my whole room smells like gen smoke. I’ve tried everything, and if this continues, I’ll pour water in that useless generator.

Deola*

Every evening, my neighbour screams like a madman when his football team plays. It’s extra irritating because it’s not even a real match; it’s Football Manager, ugh.

Chidi*

I live in a boys’ quarters on campus and dislike my neighbour because he and his whole room smell like a sweaty gym bag. He never showers after classes or playing ball; he just takes off his stinking shoes by the door and lies down. I’ve stopped talking to him because the smell is unbearable.

Emmanuel*

I can’t stand my neighbour because she’s too nosy. She’s older and lives in the flat beside mine, always peeking at who I come in with or trying to listen to my conversations. It’s so weird.

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Dara*

I’ve got a neighbour who talks way too much. I avoid him now because once he starts, he doesn’t stop. The weather, government—you name it, he’ll have an opinion.

Fayo*

I hate my upstairs neighbour because he hates me right back. He’s always dragging something heavy or stomping across the floor. It’s the worst.

Ayo*

My neighbour loves parking behind my car and then disappearing. Even if I park somewhere else, he’ll find a way to block me in. Since the fuel hike, he’s been moving his car less, and honestly, I’ve never been happier.

Temi*

I hate my neighbour because his dog never stops barking. I mean, hardly ever. He doesn’t play with it, so it barks at everything: birds, lizards, people. I really miss silence.

Do you have a neighbour you loathe? Why? Tell us in the comments.
When my father decided to sell the land beside our house, a prospect said he needed it for an adult school. Imagine our surprise when kids moved into the building after it was completed.

Based on this experience, here are some sounds no one wants to wake up to after moving into a new apartment:

Noises from children

Whether they’re singing at the assembly, laughing or reciting the two times table. Nobody deserves to suffer like that, certainly not for kids who aren’t yours.

Church bells

The moment you hear church bells, just know you’re in trouble. Because what happens when they decide to hold a 7-day revival, a crusade or even early morning prayers?

And you can’t even tell God to push them away, so you just sit and cry.

RELATED: 7 Lines You Will Definitely Hear In A Nigerian Church

Squeaking of rats

No one wants a freeloader roommate, especially the type that interrupts your beauty sleep cause it wants a midnight snack.

Neighbours’ singing

Nobody said they shouldn’t be happy, but can they be happy at a lower pitch? Mama Chinelo, I don’t want to Buga. I just want to sleep.

FIND OUT: 9 Dead Giveaways Your Neighbours Will Stress You

Landlord’s voice

Nothing good comes out of landlord visits, everyone knows that. We’d rather he texts us whatever he has to say even.

Domestic animals

There should be laws against rearing animals in residential areas tbh. Because not only are they noisy, they also smell a lot. Imagine going through the torture for meat you’re not even going to eat.

ALSO READ: If You Live In Nigeria, We Can Bet These Are Your Neighbours
Take this quiz to find out what type of neighbor you are:
Every Nigerian has a memory of their generator rope cutting at night. Either before a hot session of ashukulekeshowmeyourbackside, or just before it’s time to watch Mehek or King of hearts. Or, even just before a disappointing performance by your football club.

Many Nigerians have noticed that their generator rope only cuts at night. So, the Zikoko team decided to get to the bottom of the matter. To understand why this incident occurs only at a specific time of the day.

Zikoko: Well, hello there. Glad to have you.

I beta pass my neighbour: I am happy to be here. I usually don’t do this because mornings are not my most productive. I function better at night. If I stress myself in the morning, I have to take a break at night.

Really? I didn’t know that.

You see! People are multifaceted. I am Tiger in the sheets and “I beta pass my neighbour” on the streets. I also have feelings you know, and I am a different person depending on the situation.

Noted. What would you say are some of your biggest challenges?

Glad you asked that. It’s the disrespect. The utter lack of consideration of how I feel by people. Imagine someone turning me on from morning till night. Am I not someone’s child?

You know what?

That’s why I cut my rope at night. It’s my way of taking back power from them. When they think they have joy, I turn it to ashes in their mouth.

I did not kill mummy diesel gen, so, why are they trying to kill me?

Damn. I am so sorry. Do you sometimes regret it though?

Yes. I have regrets. But not for rope cutting. I don’t regret cutting my rope for people who had plans to fornicate overnight. I am only helping them prepare for the hot place they are going. Neither do I regret disappointing people that want to watch football. It’s not like their team is good anyway.

The only regret I have is that I initially came to this country to be of help. However, it seems I have given these people a reason not to hold their elected leaders accountable for power supply. Can you imagine?

My current owner turns me on for 16 hours non stop. Think of the trees man. Climate change is real. Greta Thunberg didn’t drop out of primary school for this shit.

That’s heavy. So, if you were President for one day, how would you solve this problem?

The problem has one solution – I will jaapa to Canada.

Wow. Any advice for Nigerians before you go?

Buy inverter. Free me.

You should read this next: Interview With Cooking Gas: “Why I Choose To Finish On Sundays”
1. Ensure to make frequent unscheduled visits to your neighbour’s house.

Feel free to “stop by” unannounced. They’re just right next door anyways, why waste your money on a simple call or text message?
2. Be ready to lend your neighbour any and every thing.

Nothing is off limits; from tomato paste to phone charger to bed sheet. You must be ready to give it all as a good Nigerian neighbour. There should be no “no” in your dictionary, only “yes” and “is that enough?”
3. Always keep your neighbour abreast of good ol’ fashioned neighbourhood gossip.

A neighbour is better than a newspaper, they know everything. Keep your ear to the ground so you know who’s talking about who, when they were doing the talking, why they were doing the talking and what they were talking about.
4. Be the security camera your neighbour has always wanted but could never afford.

After all, why are you now neighbours? You must keep watch on any and every coming and going. Especially when one particular mysterious car always seems to show up at one particular time every day just after your neighbour’s spouse returns from work. *suspicious*
5. Always try to eavesdrop on your neighbour a little.

How else would you know all about that thing they’ve been trying not to let you know and of which is not your business to know? They’re probably too embarrassed about it, so just listen in just in case.
6. Set up your generator as close to your neighbour’s house as possible.

That way, every time you switch it on at 7pm, they’ll know.
7. Always leave your door open so your neighbour can enter whenever they need to.

You can’t just be locking door anyhow, are you in a prison?
8. Always receive messages for your neighbour.

It’s not like the visitor who didn’t meet them at home could just ring them up or slip a note under their door. When you’re there, why bother them with having to write again?
9. You must always help your neighbour discipline their children.

Does it not take a village? Why are you now there? You must teach that child to always bend her back when she’s sweeping and caution her to stop playing too loud and too rough on the street.
10. Now that you know all you need to about being a good Nigerian neighbour, here’s a post that perfectly describes all the wahala that comes with having troublesome neighbours:
https://zikoko.com/list/wahala-comes-troublesome-neighbours/
1. When you have to put off your generator and your neighbour’s own is still on.

I’m petty like that.
2. When your neighbour buys that siren that blares whenever they bring light.

Correct guy.
3. When they take light in your house and you have to check that they have taken in your neighbour’s house too.

Before I carry last.
4. When there’s been light for hours and that neighbour you don’t like is still blasting their generator.

It’s not my business.
5. When you’re hungry and you can smell the jollof rice your neighbour is cooking.

Hay God!
6. When it’s time to pay for something and your neighbour hasn’t dropped money.

Is this one mad?
7. When you notice your neighbour only has light when you put on your generator.

Wait first! Is this one tapping my light?
8. When you hear your neighbours fighting with each other.

E no concern me.
9. When they wake you up with loud music early in the morning.

What the hell?
10. Your face, when you see their car in your own parking space.

Chai!
11. When they want to start giving you the story of their life.

I don’t care.
12. When your neighbour throws a party and doesn’t invite you.

It can pain.
13. When they now use their party to block the whole street.

Na wa oh!
14. When they refuse to take part in environmental sanitation.

See this one.
15. You, when they throw their rubbish in front of your own house.

Respect yourself.

Tomi*

Kola*

Deola*

Chidi*

Emmanuel*

Dara*

Fayo*

Ayo*

Temi*

Noises from children

Church bells

Squeaking of rats

Neighbours’ singing

Landlord’s voice

Domestic animals

Zikoko: Well, hello there. Glad to have you.

Really? I didn’t know that.

Noted. What would you say are some of your biggest challenges?

Damn. I am so sorry. Do you sometimes regret it though?

That’s heavy. So, if you were President for one day, how would you solve this problem?

Wow. Any advice for Nigerians before you go?

1. Ensure to make frequent unscheduled visits to your neighbour’s house.

2. Be ready to lend your neighbour any and every thing.

3. Always keep your neighbour abreast of good ol’ fashioned neighbourhood gossip.

4. Be the security camera your neighbour has always wanted but could never afford.

5. Always try to eavesdrop on your neighbour a little.

6. Set up your generator as close to your neighbour’s house as possible.

7. Always leave your door open so your neighbour can enter whenever they need to.

8. Always receive messages for your neighbour.

9. You must always help your neighbour discipline their children.

10. Now that you know all you need to about being a good Nigerian neighbour, here’s a post that perfectly describes all the wahala that comes with having troublesome neighbours:

1. When you have to put off your generator and your neighbour’s own is still on.

2. When your neighbour buys that siren that blares whenever they bring light.

3. When they take light in your house and you have to check that they have taken in your neighbour’s house too.

4. When there’s been light for hours and that neighbour you don’t like is still blasting their generator.

5. When you’re hungry and you can smell the jollof rice your neighbour is cooking.

6. When it’s time to pay for something and your neighbour hasn’t dropped money.

7. When you notice your neighbour only has light when you put on your generator.

8. When you hear your neighbours fighting with each other.

9. When they wake you up with loud music early in the morning.

10. Your face, when you see their car in your own parking space.

11. When they want to start giving you the story of their life.

12. When your neighbour throws a party and doesn’t invite you.

13. When they now use their party to block the whole street.

14. When they refuse to take part in environmental sanitation.

15. You, when they throw their rubbish in front of your own house.