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  • The scariest moment in a young man’s life is when he asks a romantic interest out for the first time. A lot of things run through his mind before he convinces himself that the worst response he’ll get is a “no”. For some guys though, they find out that there are things worse than “no”. I spoke to five Nigerian men about the first time they asked someone out.

    Tea

    It was my second year in uni and I was classmates and good friends with this girl. I wanted to ask her out in grand style because it was my first real relationship. I had the whole event planned out — the location, the outfit and my proposal. I wrote a whole speech about why dating me was a good idea, how we’re going to be a different couple, how her cousins and our mutual friends already think we’ll make a good pair, how our personalities complement each other and many other things. She was older and more mature so I knew I had to outdo all the other guys toasting her.

    After executing the perfect proposal, I asked her to think about it and respond when she was ready. She immediately replied that she doesn’t need time to think about it and she doesn’t want to keep me waiting. She thought we’d be better off as friends rather than lovers.

    I was shocked and devastated. All my weeks of planning went down the drain. I spent the next 17 months trying to convince her or understand her reasons but she never budged. In that time, I missed out on two potentially great relationships all because I was stuck on her. It was even harder to move on because we spent at least 8 hours a day together in med school. After I dropped out, I met someone new and started dating.

    Eight years have passed and we’re still friends.

    Bryan

    When I was in SS3, I had this giant crush on this babe. Everyone knew because I don’t know how to hide my emotions. One day, my friends gingered me to ask her out. So I went to sit with her and I blurted that I had feelings for her. She said, “Aww, that’s so sweet, but you’re like a brother to me.” I think I still have a small crush on her, even though it’s been over a decade.

    Olu

    My first time? It was horrible. I was in secondary school, and in hindsight, I was very shy and wasn’t very good-looking. Back then, when I wanted to talk to someone, I’d practice my conversation ahead and anticipate what the other person would say. When I asked her out, she said, “And why would I do that?” 

    I froze and started stuttering because I hadn’t seen that coming. I started saying nonsense about giving it a chance. She just rolled her eyes and continued reading her social studies note. That’s the first time I wanted to die. The embarrassment was too heavy. I didn’t ask anybody out for 3 years after that.

    When I think of her rejection, it makes me smile. She was such a no-nonsense babe and it was so hot. I’m grateful that rejection happened because it helped my conversation planning get better.

    Tomiwa

    I was in primary school and had a crush on a girl in secondary school. I still remember the butterflies in my stomach when I walked up to her and asked her out.  It was cute af and I was pretty shy but she was super encouraging. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she was gonna think about it. It was a Friday so I spent the weekend just on the edge. Monday came along and we met up and she answered me with a kiss. She was my first of many baddies.

    Kenny

    I wrote her a cute note, as per the writer that I am. I wasn’t scared because I knew the chances of her saying no was very low. She said she’d think about it and I was lost and confused because I had never heard people say they wanted to think about a proposal. One night, when I was going to my hostel, she pulled me aside and said yes.

    [donation]

  • Aminat, 22

    Last year, I stumbled on the friend of a guy I dated about five years ago. He looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place the face. I had turned back to stare a couple of times and had decided if I turn this last time and he’s still there, I’d walk up to him. When I turned slowly, I didn’t see him anymore and I took that as a sign from the Universe. A few seconds later, someone tapped my shoulder and it turned out to be him. We kicked things off from there, and our first date was super intense. The sexual energy was 101%, and we discovered we had crushes on each other before I dated his friend.

    After multiple conversations about the obvious fact that we were into each other and wanted this, he explicitly told me it couldn’t work because I’m his friend’s ex. It infuriated me because I wasn’t even speaking to my ex at all, but this past presence in my life is still denying me some form of happiness. I truly mourned what would’ve been, but he and I still talk.

    Yinka, 25

    I met him on Twitter this year, around May. We didn’t talk much at first, but that didn’t take long to change. When it did, the connection was a lot. We shared the same values, had a lot in common, and it was obvious where it was headed. However, I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I told him and he seemed okay waiting. One time, we had a little misunderstanding and I stopped hearing from him. It took me a little while to reach out to him and by the time I got around to it a bit more than a day later, he had moved on.

    It turns out he’s had previous experiences with waiting to be with someone and felt we were headed the same way.
    He told me he couldn’t keep waiting for me to decide if I wanted to be with him or not. The funny thing is that the timeout we had made me realise how much of a keeper he is. That’s why I had decided to take that leap, but I decided a little too late. He was no longer interested. I wish things had gone differently.

    Amaka, 20

    I had a crush on a guy in my school for about a year, but I didn’t have the mind to tell him. Eventually, I found out he had a girlfriend, and that broke me. So, in order to be close to him, I had to become friends with his girlfriend. It worked, but then I learnt he was leaving the country soon, so I started to pray the embassy wouldn’t grant him visa.

    Unfortunately, my prayer wasn’t answered. He left the country and I am still angry at myself for not telling him how I felt for him. It’s been four years since the last time I saw him. If he ever comes back, I will tell him I loved him.

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    Jane, 21

    There was this guy I really liked even though he wasn’t 100% my spec. I was really into him. He kept saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, so I waited for him for eight months. During those eight months, he was having flings with other people, but I waited while he kept saying he wasn’t ready. It really hurt because I liked him so much, I even wanted to ask him out. Eventually, I let him go, and I met someone way better.

    Femi, 41

    There was a woman I met through one of my brother’s friends. I knew I liked her when I didn’t want to go further with her after we kissed. I was a serial cheater, but I couldn’t bear to break her heart. She knew I had a girlfriend and really didn’t mind, but I just could not. I guess I liked her that much; just not enough to leave my girlfriend whom I later married. For some reason, she keeps popping into my head on occasion since I separated from my wife. I hope she’s alright wherever she is and that whoever she ended up with, if any, is treating her right.

    John, 19

    So, it’s this guy who texted me midway through the lockdown. I initially ignored it, but around the #EndSars protests, we started talking again. It took me a while to realise I might have feelings for him. Unfortunately, he’s in Lagos and I’m in Ibadan. I’m not willing to do long distance relationship, plus there are issues and trauma we’ve both agreed we need to work on. Our refusal to date is a mutual agreement, buts it hurts because this is the first time I’m getting non-platonic attention that isn’t toxic. I’m also sad because I feel like I’ll never really get to experience him. I think that by the time things changed for either of us, we’d have outgrown each other. On the bright side, it feels nice to know he’s in my corner.

    [donation]

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  • What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.

    Today’s Man Like is Obafemi “TheGrandVezir” Onwochei, a doctor and 2D animation generalist. He talks to us about how an unhealthy work environment made him decide to switch careers, how growing up in a close-knit family inspires him to create one of his own and how being vulnerable in romantic relationships is difficult but necessary.

    Tell me something interesting about yourself.

    My name is Obafemi Onwochei. At this point, people usually say, “Oh, you’re half-Yoruba, half-Igbo,” or “Your dad is Igbo and your mom is Yoruba.” Neither of these things are true. It’s also not an adopted name nor is it because I’ve lived in Lagos all my life. Both my parents are Igbo. My dad just decided to give my brother and me Yoruba names. 

    Interesting. What’s your relationship with your dad like?

    I had more books than toys growing up and that was because of my father. He also made me very good at picking up skills and mastering them in very short periods. When I went along with his decisions, our relationship was quite smooth. 

    He’s, however, that brand of Nigerian parents who think they’re right about everything and their opinion is the fact.  As I got older, we started to have conflicts on more and more issues. Presently, our relationship is all right but strained partly because of my career change decision. 

    What decision?

    I’ve been a video content creator focused on animation and motion graphics for the past three years. I originally trained as a medical doctor, but Nigeria happened.

    How?

    From my induction, I was already disillusioned by the health care system. It took me ages to get a house job, and I should have taken that as my cue to leave this country. By the time I decided to leave, the damage had been done. I was no longer interested in practising medicine. The meagre doctors’ salaries, the lack of infrastructure and the low morale made me lose interest in being a doctor, so I latched onto the next thing I was interested in — design and 2D animation.

    From medicine to design and 2D animation. That’s a big career jump. Why?

    I’ve always been amazed by creativity — what goes into creating something out of nothing. From making several ingredients into one soup to turning a bunch of shots into videos and movies, creativity inspires me. It wasn’t a big jump. I just elevated a hobby to a career in video making.

    Safe to say you left your job for your passion?

    I don’t think I can call any job my passion, per se. My only goal in life is to be a good father and husband. Every other thing, such as practising medicine or video making is just a means to an end. I’m not a husband or father yet, but I’m going to take any means necessary to make sure that I’m in a good position to provide for those that I love. It doesn’t matter if it’s by saving lives or by animating pictures. My passion is to successfully run a close-knit family.  If I end up not being a good father or husband, I would be unfulfilled.

    Is your family close-knit?

    My family is small. I have just one brother in addition to my parents. Growing up, everyone was involved in the success and progress of the others. We always supported each other. I helped my brother with his academics, my father provided what we needed financially, and it worked. This is why I want a close family. 

    Interesting. At what point did you realise you were your own man?

    I think it occurred in small milestones. The first point was leaving my parents’ house just before my youth service in 2016, in Onitsha. I believe every man should take that leap of independence at some point. 

    The next point was when I became a doctor and realised that my decisions were crucial to saving lives. I watched life leave the earth and watched it come into it. That gives you a sense of confidence in your decisions. 

    A random question: what kind of person are you in relationships?

    When I’m in love, I’m fully at my partner’s service. I draw an insane amount of happiness from satisfying my partner’s needs and making them happy. Everything I do is geared towards making their life easy. I’ll do anything they want to make them happy, as long as it’s not illegal.

    There’s a general belief that men should not be vulnerable. People say what you share can be used against you. But I can’t help being open. I’m a very emotional guy, and I don’t try to hold back my emotions, especially with people in my close circle. An ex almost made me regret this and it really hurt.  I didn’t see the end of the relationship coming, so I was devastated and tried to find an outlet for my emotions. . But I won’t be stopped.

    It helps that I have support systems that are accepting of my vulnerability. 

    I’m big on crying too. Men and women both have tear ducts. There’s no reason not to cry if you’re feeling overwhelmed. I cried when I saw movies like Coco and Moana. Bottling things up inside you might cause you to act out in some unhealthy way like lashing out. It’s better to process emotions healthily.

    Interesting. What does it mean to be a man?

    I don’t subscribe to the many tropes of toxic masculinity, but one I find trouble letting go of is being a provider. In yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s world, being a man means being a provider.

    What does a relaxing weekend look like for you?

    Flying out to Uyo on a Friday night to see my madam. Stay in with her at night and all day Saturday. Then I’d go get fisherman soup from my favourite restaurant in Uyo. Absolutely amazing. Then I’d fly back on a Monday in time for work.

    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the Man Like series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

    Are you a man who would like to be interviewed for a Zikoko article? Fill this form and we’ll be in your inbox quicker than you can say “Man Dem.”

  • Not everyone hates their exes, some people still have fond memories of the ones who got away. Sometimes, relationships don’t work for reasons beyond our control and some people still hold their exes dear to them. Here are what some people have to say about their favourite ex:

    David, 35

    I have known her since I was in primary school, we grew up in the same area. My favourite thing about her was her pure innocence. Both of us spent a lot of time behind closed doors, gisting, playing games, talking about everyone in the family and sharing our dreams. At one point, we were told to stop closing the door (I never understood what was inferred until much later).

    We never went beyond kissing and hugging when we were much older and emotions were flying. I prayed to God that if I married her, I won’t ask for anything else. We were together for a little over 15 years, but we drifted apart when her family moved to another state. There were no reliable means of communication back then, so our relationship suffered. 

    We still talk till today and try to support one another emotionally especially if our partners are giving us sticks. We got married to different people after a brief stint of misunderstanding and have two children apiece.

    Gbemi, 24

    My favourite memory of her was the last time we saw each other physically. She relocated to another country a few months after we started dating to continue her education. It became a long-distance relationship from then, so I hadn’t seen her for like a year.  She flew back to Nigeria to spend a week, and during that time, we were only able to see each other once. It felt really special. 

    Many things make her so special, but if I’ll state one specifically, it would be her heart. She is a very loving and caring person, at times I wonder how anyone can be so selfless. She always puts others before herself! Although that is not necessarily always a good thing, it was something I admired a lot about her.

     

    I loved how timid and shy she can be, how understanding she is. How she knows how to listen to me or proffer solutions to my problems. She has a really big heart. We broke up because we couldn’t come to a middle ground regarding certain issues. She is from a Muslim background, a Muslimah to the core and her family holds their religious values in high esteem.

    It was also made clear that her family would never let her be with a non-Muslim and she wasn’t willing to change religions. I wasn’t willing to switch either. We talked about the consequences and we decided to let go of each other and go our separate ways.

    Mimi, 22

    My favourite thing was his heart and how easygoing he was. He always tried to make other people happy at his own expense. He was an open book, he rarely ever lied, he communicated his feeling and cried when he was sad. I never ever had to guess how he felt about me, even from when we just started.

    The hard part, it’s hard to explain but the whole relationship has been long-distance and we always thought we’d be in the same space at some point, but things keep changing our plans. There were a few reoccurring issues about some things and it felt like love wasn’t enough.

    We were together for 3yrs- we still talk from time to time.

    Prince

    My favourite thing about her is her selflessness, she’s bold and courageous, (na she dey ginger me most times). She cares a lot, if not too much and she’s very mature. 

    We dated for almost 3 years.it is the longest relationship I’ve been in. We met in the university, we were both in 200 level at the time. I told my mum about her, she said she prayed about it and we don’t fit. We continued dating for the rest of our time at university. I had to break up with her when she left for camp. She was so devastated because her mum had just died. 

    We broke up because of my parents – especially my mum. My mum hadn’t met her, yet she disliked her. We talk sometimes, a couple of months ago we connected with each other – I visited her last weekend.  

    Ada, 24

    He was and still is a very caring and understanding person. I think he’s the ex that has understood me the most. He’s also very supportive. He’s still a part of my life( no strings attached, just friends – at least on my own end).

    We dated for almost 2 years. I think my favourite thing about him was that he trusted my judgment, like how can someone just believe in you like that? Lol. He also cared for people I care about, from my family down to my friends. 

    Well, we broke up because I wasn’t in love with him. My conscience couldn’t help it anymore, I  had to end the relationship because he was getting serious and I knew I just wasn’t into him. We still talk, he patronizes my business as well, tries to send gifts but I just had to set up a boundary to avoid wahala.

    Tammy, 25

    My favourite memory of him is the day he found out he was going to be a dad, it was also the day he proposed to me. Unfortunately, our child didn’t survive. He is such an amazing person, very kind and caring. He never raised his voice at me, no matter how angry he got, and I annoyed him a lot because me sef I know I’m a lot to handle.

    We broke up because he cheated on me, after 2 years of being together.

  • Feelings… They spring up on you even when you’ve sworn to remain on the streets. Don’t worry, just do these 10 things and the feelings will die.

    1. Block them

    You have to do this on all socials the moment you catch yourself smiling at their texts. Feelings can’t survive if you starve them of communication. Out of sight is out of mind.

    2. Get these shades

    Cover your eyes dear. No feelings formed against you shall prosper. Amen.

    3. Don’t make the mistake of telling them

    Don’t do it, dear.

    4. Write down “I belong to the streets” 100 times and repeat it morning and night.

    In a week, feelings should be gone.

    5. Trash all the pictures of them you got while on a stalking spree

    Purify your gallery, purify your heart.

    6. Tell someone to slap you every time you mention their name

    Since you don’t want to hear word.

    7. Avoid them in real life

    Deleting their pictures from your gallery isn’t enough. You need to go left if you see them coming from the right in real life too.

    8. Think of them picking their nose

    Except that turns you on in a twisted way, that’s enough to gross you out and kill the feelings.

    9. Name something after them

    And by ‘something’, I mean a household pest e.g rat or cockroach. Any time you see that pest, call it your crush’s name, Tunde, and gradually that feeling will begin to fade.

    10. Don’t eat any food they cook

    If you people have already gone as far as visiting each other, stop it. If they offer you food, say you’ve eaten. You’re not a thief.

  • Here are seven different ways to make the Nigerian girl you like fall for you.

    1) Words of affirmation

    To make a Nigerian girl fall in love with you, you need to give her bank account some words of affirmation. The best kinds of words of affirmation come in the form of a credit alert. Credit alerts are words and numbers that show you care. It is impossible to make a Nigerian girl fall in love with you without mastering this art.

    how to make a girl fall for you

    2) Be a Proverbs 31 man

    To make a Nigerian woman fall for you, you have to be the ideal man she wants. The ideal man for Nigerian girls is the Proverbs 31 man.

    how to make a girl fall for you
    a Proverbs 31 man and his Queen

    3) Cook for them

    The way to the heart is to the stomach. To make a true Nigerian woman fall for you, you need to also buy her food. They don’t need much. Maybe seafood pasta and some fries.

    woman sitting on man's lap, eating food how to make a girl fall for you
    Look at how romantic

    4) Buy them shoes

    What better way to show a Nigerian woman you love them than to support their fashion habits? Buy them a pair of those Jesus sandals to prove that you not only love her but have created a judgement-free zone for her to be her true self.

    a pair of brown sandals

    5) Set leg for her so she can fall

    Sometimes for a woman to fall for you, you have to make her physically fall. When the body has fallen down, so will the heart.

    Paw paw thinking in 5g how to make a girl fall for you
    Think about it

    6) Challenge her to a running competition while she has heels on

    The heels Nigerian women wear are definitely not for running. The square corners are good for killing cockroaches, but never for running. That’s why when she has them on, you should race her. She will fall.

    Funke Akindele running

    7) Take her for an anointing service

    By the time they sprinkle holy water and oil on her, she will fall under the anointing and into your arms.

    woman in white garment holding a candle how to make a girl fall for you

    For more on what is inside life, please click here

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  • Every person who drifts into our orbit has some effect on us. Some small, some big. The most likely to leave huge impacts are the people we are in relationships with. I spoke with five men who told me heartwarming stories about how their partners have changed their lives.

    Feyi

    Before we started dating in 2019, I was nonchalant and carefree about a lot of things I should have taken seriously like school, planning and routine. I preferred to go with the flow instead of making long-term plans and this caused me a lot of anxiety. When I started dating her, she changed all of that. I’m more deliberate with my decisions and I’m taking my life more seriously. She has also taught me to be emotionally intelligent and better at properly articulating my feelings.

    She’s a writer and I’m trying to emulate that, even though I suck at it. She’s a lesson in resourcefulness. She always knows what she’s doing and has a handle on everything. I could go on and on but my life had been transformed for the better since I met her and I still have a whole lot to learn from her. I love her very much.

    Laide

    Before she came into my life, I used to be bad at managing money. I could hardly account for my money. When she came into my life, she made me account for every kobo. She taught me how to manage my money and avoid living lavishly. She’s also taught me to be patient and changed how my thought process about things. I’ve become more serious with my plans because she makes me accountable to them.

    Lekan


    My partner makes me feel less insane. My sense of humour is very silly and weird but my partner laughs at all my jokes and makes jokes at the same frequency. He makes it easier for me to exist, I think that’s the best way to explain it. We’re very different people in so many ways but very much the same in all the ways that matter. I love that I can vocalize all the things in my head, even the half-formed things and he helps me make them make sense. He goes out of his way to fulfil all my irrational Disney-esque desires in a relationship. I don’t think my life has changed per se, he just makes it easier for me to live in it, easier for me to exist in this skin and reality of mine without feeling stupid or uncomfortable.

    Yinka

    We’ve been together since I was in 300-level, 8 years ago. I used to be laid back, preferring to go with the flow rather than make plans. She made it clear that she had certain goals and aspirations and she wouldn’t compromise on them for anything, including me. I knew she was the person I wanted to be with, so I realised I’d have to make adjustments to my life. I became more serious with my academics and set life goals for myself.

    My worldview has also changed from when I used to hold archaic notions. She’s a feminist who made me think more intelligently about social issues and I’m a better man and partner for that. Yet, the biggest impact she has made is that she’s provided me with a reason to be better. I just want to be the best man and partner I can be for her. Also, she’s beautiful so being able to go out with her as her man does wonders for my self-esteem.

    Mark

    My babe has made me a more emotionally intelligent person. I used to place a lot of premium on being a logical person. I’ve learnt softness without feeling like I’m less of a man, and how to be a human being. I realised that sticking to logic makes me come off as cold and unfeeling. You can’t always be rational about life. 

    Read: How I Almost Lost My Testicles. Twice

    Are you a man who would like to be interviewed for a Zikoko article? Fill this form and we’ll be in your inbox quicker than you can say “Man Dem.”

    [donation]

  • People love us for various reasons. Take this quiz and we’ll tell you what your friends love most about you.

    Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice.

    Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the relationship questions that have been bugging you, and Ozzy Etomi gives you the best relationship advice.

    The column is part of our brand new category, Ships, that tackles all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones.

    If you’d like to send in your questions, click here

  • How we start our day usually has a paramount effect on how the rest of our day goes. When you love a woman or want to move to a woman you like, it is important you send her beautiful messages to put her in the right mood. Here’s a list of helpful ways on how to put together a perfect good morning message:

    1.Schedule a money transfer from your account to hers.

    This is the best way to help your girl start her day. You don’t have to do so much- in this case, the burden of the morning text has been moved from you to the bank. A perfect morning message that you don’t have to stress yourself to put together.

    2.Send her a food tray.

    Not every message has to be verbal- actions speak louder than words sometimes. Ensure the tray is delivered with a note that says ‘’I love you, babe’’. The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach or whatever it is that they say.

    3.Have some of your hoodies delivered to her first thing in the morning.

    The weather has changed and it is raining almost every day now, and you want her to stay warm throughout the day. Arrange for some of her favourite hoodies of yours to be delivered first thing in the morning before she’s up. This way, she won’t have to steal your clothes to make herself happy. 

    4.Create a playlist for her.

    Create a playlist of all her favourite songs and some of yours too. Make sure the playlist conveys how much you love her and how your life would fall apart if she wasn’t in.

    5.Clear her shopping cart.

    Giving her one less thing to worry about is a perfect good morning message.

    6.Buy her a plane ticket out of Nigeria.

    Ensuring she wakes up in a new country is not only proof of love, but it is also the loudest and best message any lover can send. This proves that you don’t only love her, you also have her best interest at heart.