in-laws | Zikoko!

In-law drama is one thing most Nigerians actively pray against. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try to choose peace, your in-laws will go out of their way to test you. While some people turn the other cheek, these five Nigerians chose violence — and made sure the in-laws who tried them would never forget it.

“I made my sister in law sleep in a cell” — *Joan, 40

In 2018, a friend from church wanted to start a kerosene business. My husband linked her up with his older sister, who was already in the business. She collected ₦5 million from my friend and kept posting her for nearly eight months. My husband—a respected deacon — was too scared to confront his sister, which made the whole thing even more irritating.

My friend was very understanding, but when she hinted that her husband wanted to involve the police, I didn’t wait. I closed my shop in Jos that day, lied to my husband that I was going to Lagos to restock, and boarded a night bus. By 5 a.m., I was at the police station. I decided to confront his sister at her house first to give her the benefit of the doubt. She dismissed me and said I should go and do my worst.

So I did. I signalled the police officers waiting outside to come in and arrest her. After spending one night in a cell, she miraculously found the money and paid my friend back. The family called meetings to insult me, but at least I was sleeping well at night.

“I held a knife to my father-in-law’s throat” — *Tope, 37

We had two daughters, and I wanted more children, but my husband said we shouldn’t, as we were too busy with work. I didn’t know he was having an affair. The woman eventually gave birth to a boy, and he tried to keep it a secret. I found out when his parents came to our house, called me a witch who blocked their son’s destiny, and told me to leave with my daughters so their grandson and his mother could take our place.

I was in so much shock. I didn’t even realise when I grabbed a knife and held it to my father-in-law’s throat. I told them to leave or I’d kill him. My husband nearly peed on himself. They all begged me and left. It cemented their belief that I was a witch, but at least they never tried me again.

“I sent thugs to her son’s wedding introduction”— *Stephen, 46

After my wife died of cancer, her sister started treating me like a personal ATM. Last year, she came crying that she’d been diagnosed with early-stage cancer and needed urgent surgery. She begged for financial assistance. Cancer is a soft spot for me, so I gave her the money, even though it was meant for my daughter’s master’s program abroad. Two months later, I found out it was all a lie. She used the money to plan her son’s introduction. She even sent me an invitation.

I didn’t attend. Instead, I sent a group of area boys to crash the event. And they did a beautiful job.

“I poisoned my sister-in-law so she would go home” — *Ifeoma, 27

I got married quite early. My husband and I have been together for nearly five years, and we’re delaying children while we save to japa. His sister refuses to understand that and won’t let me rest. I think she hates me because I’m Igbo and they’re Yoruba. She’s always whining about how I’m barren and have refused to give her brother children.

A few months ago, she came to visit and overstayed her welcome. A week passed, and she was still there, talking rubbish to my husband. I was worried she would brainwash my husband, so I took action.

I saw on YouTube that lactulose powder can induce diarrhoea. So I bought some and added it her food. It worked in less than a day. She pooped and vomited nonstop until we rushed her to the hospital. I felt really guilty about it, but the minute she got discharged, she packed her bags and left. I don’t think I have any regrets.

“I staged my husband’s arrest to get back my documents” — *Hauwa, 34

When my husband and I first got married, we were too broke to rent our own place, so we lived with his parents. I hated it, but anytime I complained, they reminded me I was from a wealthy family and should endure.

When my dad visited and saw the situation, he gave me money to buy a building and start a business. Since I was naive and in an unfamiliar city, I let my husband and in-laws handle the process.

Biggest mistake of my life. I opened a restaurant, and it did well. Then my husband and I got jobs in another city. His family convinced me to let them manage it and promised to send rent.

They never sent one naira. Every time I asked, they called me disrespectful.

Eventually, I grew tired of it and sold the property behind their backs. I only told my husband when it was time to hand over the documents, which were with his parents. He sided with them when they refused to release the papers. I knew I had to act fast, and that’s when I planned with my sister to stage my husband’s arrest. We make it look like the new owner had him arrested over the documents. One phone call from him at the station was all it took for his family to cough up the papers.

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We know parents judge their children’s partners on the first meeting. We’re not trying to cause fights, but shouldn’t these partners get to judge their in-laws too? We asked seven people to tell us the first impression they had when they met their partner’s parents, and the responses were chaotic.

Folake, female

I was in my “party animal” phase when I first got introduced to my current mother-in-law. I could swear I’d seen her at one of the clubs I used to go to, but apparently, she’s a pastor so it wasn’t really adding up. I never said anything about it, but there was this air of awkwardness during that first meeting. Till today, I don’t know if my hunch was right or if too much alcohol was making me overthink things.

David, male

My father-in-law had once tried to trigger the release clause of my ex. Man kept asking her out on a date, and was sending her money to help her “think about it” . I know because she told me about it at the time. The man doesn’t know I have his gist sha. When we met, he asked me what my intentions were for his daughter. In my head, I thought “Sir, let’s not rain curses upon ourselves”.

Jeremiah, male

Her family was so chilled. In fact, too chilled; I felt like Daniel Kaluuya in the first part of Get Out. I was legit worried something was going to happen and my family would have to run a GoFundMe campaign to search for me. It was later I softened up to the whole thing and realised I was just used to hard life.

Ibrahim, male

I met my girlfriend’s parents at a party. To be honest, I thought her mum was my girlfriend’s older sister. She looked really hot and was already entering my eye. I got snapped back to reality when I saw my girlfriend go to hug her and call her mummy.

Jola, female

My father-in-law had actually asked me out a few years back. It was funny in my head because I wasn’t sure if he remembered me or not. But he acted like he was meeting me for the first time. I did the same too sha before my relationship unfolds like a Yoruba movie plot.

Naomi, female

I thought my mother-in-law was evil because of the way she kept smiling at me. It creeped me out so I started smiling back. Let’s creep each other out, Ma. I’m not going anywhere.

Zaynab, female

My partner’s parents were really cool. My father-in-law was watching a football match the day we went to visit. It turned out he was a Chelsea fan like me, and we literally just connected over that. Nobody else in their house watches football, not even my husband. So, for him, it was like, “Ope o! I’ve finally found a gist partner”. My mother-in-law was super nice. She even refused when I tried to help her cook. She looked genuinely confused that I wanted to help out.

NEXT READ: 11 Behaviours Of A Nigerian In-Law That Will Show You Pepper

We’ve been through the same song and dance since Abacha was on Nigeria’s iron throne — people telling us how to behave when we meet our partner’s parents for the first time. It’s enough.

Your partner’s parents really should be the ones trying to impress you, and here’s why.

You may be inheriting bad behaviour

What if your darling boo has questionable beliefs like “washing bum-bum is homo”? Marry them, and their bad behaviour automatically moves from being their parent’s headache to yours. See why they should impress you?

You’re fulfilling their dreams

Do you know if your girlfriend’s mum has done 100 days fasting so her daughter can move to her husband’s house? All the more reason for her to worship the ground you walk on.

You’re giving them bragging rights

Because every Nigerian parent loves to brag about their children, how they’ve gotten married and birthed 50 offspring.

Bigger family equals more black tax

You might want to start buying them small gifts when you visit or for their birthday (because, good in-law), and honestly, that’s a lot to even consider in this economy. Such gestures should only be reserved for in-laws who’ve worked for it.

What if you don’t like their child like that?

Maybe you’re just in the relationship to avoid paying for things yourself. What if them treating you nice is the key to your falling in love with their child?

You’re a spec

If they can’t prove why you should waste your time with their child, just carry your amazing self elsewhere. Periodt.

NEXT READ: All the Reasons Why Nigerian Women Lie

If your in-laws display any of these behaviours, you can be sure they will move mad and show you pepper when you marry their child. Escape now before it’s too late.

1. The first time you visited them, they asked you to enter kitchen and cook.

As per, “Let us taste the food of our son’s wife.” Okay nau. The Lord is your muscle.

2. Or they are asking you not to visit them empty-handed.

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Corporate begging, but make it in-law style, yunno.

3. His mother ‘jokes’ about coming to live with you after marriage.

Come and live with you to do what, plis? Shebi their own house is no longer inhabitable, abi?

4. They don’t agree with your union at first but after ‘convincing them’, they agreed.

‘We love you like our daughter oh, but we don’t want our son to marry an Igbo woman.’

My dearest sister, gather your two slippers and flee. Even if they agree to the marriage, that convincing that they were convinced will wear off one day and you will not like yourself.

5. They are concerned about your ‘choice of dressing.’

You know what they mean about this. And they know too. They know.

6. They want to know how you cope with such long nails.

Wait until you marry and they ask you to cut it off or stop fixing nails.

7. They are stylishly reminding you that your husband-to-be has younger ones that are older than you.

Put two and two together, please. We cannot be telling you everything.

8. They want you to stop pursuing education because of family.

Of course, they won’t be so direct. But when they tell you to have children before Masters or something like that, you know what time it is.

9. They want to have a say in the number of children you should have.

You: We have decided on just 1 child.

Them: Ehn? Make it 3 oh. 1 is too small. If you can even make it 4 sef, we don’t mind.

10. They want you to be the assistant caterer during Ileya and Christmas, and other family celebrations.

‘Is it not just to peel Maggi and slice onions?‘ Until you are cooking an entire cooler of Jollof rice, frying beef and going house to house to serve them.