Foodie | Zikoko!

Food inflation has shown Nigerians hot shege over the past few months. So, if you plan to visit a restaurant on February 14 with the LOYL, you might want to reconsider that choice. Imagine coughing out ₦87k on one meal, God, abeg.

You’ll spend a lot less if you enter the kitchen, and we know just the right meals to cook.

Red pancakes

Ditch the natural brownish pancake colour for something that speaks to the theme of the day. Exactly, colour RED. If red cake is a thing, who says you cannot serve red pancakes on Valentine’s Day? Find a simple recipe here.

Akara

Most Nigerians would rather buy from the roadside than make this meal in their house because making it is mad stressful. So when you take the trouble upon yourself and serve the LOYL that plate of hot akara, they’ll only think, “You went through all that stress for me?” Find a simple recipe here.

Pounded yam and egusi

Emphasis on “pounded” because no Nigerian meal screams “Labour of love” louder than pounded yam. Think about it, you’ll have to slice the yam, cook it and then pound it afterwards. You also have to make egusi because regular soup can’t work for this special day. Listen, there’s no way they’ll doubt your true love for them after this meal. Find a simple recipe here.

Homemade pizza

Another meal Nigerians love but hardly ever make themselves. So, when you take up the challenge and serve them flaming hot pizza from your own oven, they’ll know you rate them AF. We suggest you start practicing ahead with this straightforward recipe.

Where are our Zikoko Ships now?

Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:

Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey

Jollof spaghetti

Pasta is a main character in every Nigerian love story, and restaurants know this. That’s why it’s always on the menu, and ridiculously priced too. So, enter the kitchen and cook the wickedest jollof pasta ever. Remember, we’re sticking to the red theme of the day, so avoid anything creamy, please. Find a simple recipe here.

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Small chops

This one will show them you understand that variety is the spice of a happy relationship. A basket of puff-puff, spring rolls, samosa, gizzard and mosa all home-cooked by you? They will know you have no intention of boring them to death in the relationship. Find a recipe here.

Red Velvet cake

What’s more perfect than treating your boo to a dessert that comes in the colour of the day? Just make sure you do all the baking yourself. That’s the only way they’ll know you went through it just to tease their tastebuds. If you don’t know how to bake, practise with this recipe today.

READ ALSO: 9 Nigerian Meals We Love to Eat but Never Cook Ourselves
Sola* walks us through his three-day visit to Algeria, sharing the culture shocks he experienced along the way.

As told to Boluwatife

Image designed by Freepik

I’ve never been much of an adventurous foodie or traveller. I’d only been outside of Nigeria once when I visited Cotonou in 2018, and I had access to the Nigerian food I was familiar with. I think that’s why I still haven’t recovered from the culture shock I experienced during my December 2023 trip to Algeria.

I didn’t just decide to visit Algeria on a whim. I’m a journalist, and the opportunity to visit the country came when the Algerian government invited my team to cover a conference.

My first shock was the visa and travel processes. I knew it was a police state and expected restrictions, especially for journalists, but I assumed it’d be straightforward since we were invited. It wasn’t.

For one week, we navigated a long back-and-forth process with the Algerian embassy in Abuja, filling out forms in English and Arabic. The embassy in Nigeria initially couldn’t get visa clearance for us from Algeria, and we had to fill out another form specifically for journalists. My team and I finally got our visas two days into the conference and had to rush to catch a flight and meet up.

After a 14-hour fight, including a stop in Doha, Qatar, we eventually got to Algiers, the capital city. We thought it’d be smooth sailing from this point on, but then we were delayed at the airport for an additional two hours. During this time, we were searched and questioned because of the media equipment we travelled with. We were the only black people in the airport, and I noticed we were gradually getting surrounded by security personnel as we were being questioned.

The increased security presence was strategic in a we-take-our-security-serious way, but it reminded me of Nigeria. We wouldn’t have had that ordeal if they had a proper line of communication. It was like one arm of the government invited us, and the other arm had no idea.

With the visa and travel wahala finally behind us, we were free to do our work and explore Algiers. But the next culture shock was waiting: The food. I mentioned earlier that I’m not an adventurous foodie. I don’t do pass myself. My stomach is somewhat sensitive, so even when I briefly consider switching up my diet, it typically ends at just that — a consideration.

Algerians eat olive oil with everything. Maybe it’s the hotel we stayed in, but people could be drinking tea and have olive oil by their side. I was so confused. And the bread? It was hard as rocks. Coming from Nigeria, where soft bread is the standard, I was definitely unprepared.

A plate of plain bread, crepe and chocolate bread.

The official languages of Algeria are Arabic and Berber, but they also speak French because France colonised them. The food in the hotel was labelled in French, and I had to use an online translator before ordering. That wasn’t necessarily an issue, but the food itself was mostly always cold and quite bland. No salt or pepper, and there was olive oil and onions in everything. There was also a heavy water shortage. There were different types of drinks, but when it came to water, we’d only get one bottle of water for five people. It was strange.

A side of purple cabbage and cream to accompany a rice and pasta dish.

But it wasn’t all bad. On one of the nights, we went to a lounge where a colleague ordered a medium-rare steak. It was the largest steak portion I’ve ever seen in my life. It took my colleague a whole hour to finish it. So, I guess portion-wise, they held nothing back. I had chicken myself, and it wasn’t bad.

The roads are also amazing. I didn’t see one pot-hole. One night, when we returned to the hotel, we noticed something was wrong with one side of the road. By the next morning, we saw machines fixing it.

Did I mention Algeria is a rich country? Almost everyone wore designer outfits – even the security officers wore Rolex watches. Almost everyone smokes too, which I chalked down due to the cold weather. They have a four-day week system, so their weekends start on Thursday. I definitely wasn’t mad at that.

The Martyrs’ Memorial monument serves as a reminder of the lives lost during Algeria’s fight for Independence.

I spent three days in Algeria, it’s a really beautiful, well-put-together country. It would have been a 10/10 experience if there wasn’t the food debacle and other culture shocks. Now that I know what to expect regarding the cuisine, I won’t mind visiting again. Maybe by then, I’d have properly researched where to get food I can tolerate.

*Name was changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: Now They Just Come: A Story of Nigerians Living in Cotonou

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I recently took a short trip to an amala joint in the Onipanu area of Lagos. An IG influencer had visited the spot and raved about how good and, most importantly, affordable the food was. So, I carried my ₦1k to the place and even had an extra ₦500 in case I was tempted to splurge. After completing my order, my bill came to a staggering ₦3500. How can?

It turned out the protein servings gulped half of my bill, and while it looked like I’d splurged unnecessarily on meat, it now seems inconsequential compared to these individuals’ biggest food expenses.

Dayo*

I once visited a random amala spot in Ibadan during a work trip. It wasn’t one of the popular spots, but they had quite a crowd, indicating that they did something right. I didn’t think to ask about the prices when I ordered because I assumed everything there would be cheap. I mean, it’s Ibadan and it wasn’t a fancy spot.

I bought assorted, bush meat and goat meat along with semo. When I asked for my bill, the attendant said ₦7500. I wasn’t sure I heard correctly, so I asked again, and then she broke down the price of everything on my plate. Apparently, bushmeat sold for ₦2500, and I bought two.

Sesan*

I once took my friends out to an amala spot in Surulere. I’d just been promoted at work, and they insisted I celebrated. I chose the buka because I thought it’d be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to spend too much. Everyone got turkey, assorted meat and brokoto (cow leg) with their swallow of choice. The bill came, and it was around ₦25k. When I checked, about ₦18k of the total amount was the cost of meat. I paid, but I didn’t leave the place smiling.

Demola*

We had this family function in Ogun state sometime in 2022. Some of my mum’s friends arrived late when the caterers had already run out of meat. There was rice, amala and porridge, but nothing else to accompany it. I saw how distressed my mum was, and it was also quite obvious that the people that just arrived were hungry. I remembered I’d seen a suya guy setting up some blocks away from the event centre, so I went to buy from him. He was reluctant to sell his entire stock to me so I ended up buying ₦30k worth of suya.

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Jide*

I once hosted my birthday at a local nightclub back in uni. Most of the day was stressful because I had a series of tests and had to submit assignments. When I returned to the hostel, my friends dragged me to the club with a plan to have some drinks and suya.

Unfortunately, the suya guy didn’t come, and we were left with just drinks. The owner of the place overheard us grumbling, about this and mentioned that she had asun. I don’t know if it was the birthday excitement, hunger or just the alcohol talking, but I told her to bring the entire pot of asun. When we finished and asked for the price, the asun alone was ₦25k. I’m sure it wasn’t more than ₦10-15k asun in that pot, but I didn’t bother pricing. I paid, and we left. I woke up the following day remembering how stupid I was to squander ₦25k on mid asun.

Deji*

I was staying with a friend in Abuja for the festive season. I stepped out one night for a walk, and on my way back I saw this nice suya spot. I had ₦2k with me, which would’ve been more than enough to buy suya in Lagos. I got to this aboki and requested chicken suya. I heard him charge another guy ₦400 for two sticks of suya so I bought five sticks each for myself and my friend. When it was time to pay, this guy returned my ₦2k and said my money wasn’t complete.

I was confused until he explained a stick was ₦1k. He refused when I tried to return the suya, and insisted I paid. Baba collected his complete ₦10k. I ate the suya with an aftertaste of regret in my mouth.

John*

I’ll always tell anyone I know to hold money when you go to these bukkas in remote villages and ask questions about the meat. Last year during a work trip to Oyo, I and a friend had to split an unexpected ₦12k bill. Turned out they served an assorted mix of bush and antelope meat. Those things don’t come cheap.
One of the activities I anticipate at local food joints is choosing protein. Good ol’ beef hardly interests me; I crave the weird-looking parts that often surprise my taste buds.

Standing there, I ask the slightly-irritated amala seller, “What part is that? What about that one? Is that round-about? What about the one that looks plaited?” Occasionally, she’s fascinated by my curiosity; other times, her expression screams, “Uncle, wrap it up.”

If, like me, you often face a dilemma when confronted with a large pot of assorted meat parts, grab a note. There are lessons to learn.

Ponmo

Photo: BBC

People may argue that it is tasteless and lacks nutritional benefits, but ponmo is king. It’s processed cowhide/skin with a soft, chewy texture. Ponmo is served in sauces and pairs well as a side offering with Nigerian swallow.

Rib Cut

Source: Beef

This is meat found in the rib cage area of a red meat animal. You’ll often find it in upscale restaurants with fancy names like smoked barbecue ribs, honey barbecue ribs, etc.

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Oxtail

Many people get confused with this name, but this part is simply cow tail. It has a distinct flavour that slaps when used for pepper sauces, stew, and pepper soup.

Cow Foot (Brokoto)

Source: Abuja Food Delivery Mart

This portion of cow meat doesn’t come cheap. It can be boiled or fried and is popular among the Igbos as the preferred option for nkwobi. It often requires a lot of cooking time to soften it up.

Tripe

Source: Niyis

Also known as shaki, this is animal intestine. It has a rough and spongy texture that often requires a lot of cleaning. Shaki is mostly served in the company of assorted offerings and is a preferred protein option for ofada sauce.

Round About

Source: Nairaland

It’s a cow’s intestine shaped like a roundabout, hence the name. You’ll find it among the assorted offerings that come with amala or ofada sauce. It’s not a regular protein option, so it’s hardly bought as a standalone.

Liver

The gist is, your Nigerian fried rice is not complete if you don’t have liver cuts in it. It also comes along with assorted offerings for amala or ofada sauce. It’s best enjoyed fried.

You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.

You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
My friends never agree with me when I argue with my full chest that there’s no beating turkey’s supremacy. It’s that meat that gives, whether you’re having it with swallow, rice or as a standalone grilled or peppered treat.

Since Artificial Intelligence (AI) claims to know all, I decided to put it to the test. I went to the almighty Chat GPT to help us rank the best meat for swallow in particular. While I can’t say I completely agree with this list, AI told no lies.

6. Goat meat

Source: Dooneyskitchen

If you can ignore the strong stench, Chat GPT might have a point here. Goat meat is bae, especially when you have it with white or black amala. But why does it have to be so expensive? A portion sells for as high as ₦500 – 1000 at local bukkas. Not a good spend when you consider the ponmo you’ll get at the same price.

My ranking: 3

5. Chicken

Source: Sisijemimah

How can? I completely disagree with this ranking. The only time chicken should show face on your plate is when it’s with rice, spaghetti or chips. If for any reason you choose to serve chicken with any Nigerian swallow, it should be deep-fried to a crunch and soaked in the pot of soup for three working days.

My ranking: 4

4. Beef Suya

Source: SisiJemimah

Sound ridiculous, but AI might be on to something here. Have you ever tried a generous serving of spicy suya with vegetable soup? It is a serve. However, by all means, avoid kilichi with any type of Nigerian swallow.

My ranking: 5

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3. Catfish or tilapia

Source: Dobby’s Signature

The focus is meat, but if AI insists we should include any type of fish in this list, then I’ll have to partially agree. I think the only acceptable way to eat catfish is to have it smoked to perfection or in a spicy pepper soup broth. Tilapia, on the other hand, is a serve with any Nigerian swallow.

My ranking: 6

2. Turkey

Source: Queenvarieties

This is your second reminder that this user is a shameless turkey stan who believes in the ultimate supremacy of turkey. Grilled, peppered, fried, boiled, it’s the one meat that goes with all swallow and all its varying servings.

My ranking: 1

1. Offal (Tripe, liver, kidney)

Also known as “inu eran”, there’s no 100% amala satisfaction without a generous serving of stewed offal. It’s the only way to enjoy the true amala experience, although I cannot say the same for other swallow offerings.

My ranking: 2

You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival in November. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
Kids these days only know Skittles and Maltesers but if you’re a 90s kid or older, you’ll know that we had better OGs.

These local candies were cheaper, easily accessible and definitely a treat for the taste buds.

Source: Instagram (@bera_foods)

Baba Dudu (Black toffee)

Source: ErinFood

Might not have been considered cool to bring it out during your lunch breaks, but Baba Dudu was that guy. What other candy could you afford with N5? It’s made from coconut milk and cream. These days, the quality has significantly reduced even though it’s still cheap as fuck.

Sisi Pelebe (Groundut candy)

Source: Ounje Aladun

As a 90s kid, this is one candy you’ll be familiar with if you had uncles and aunties that made trips to Coutonu. Unlike Baba Dudu, it’s flat and is a brighter shade of brown. Sisi pele is made from groundnut, sugar and salt.

Ridi (Sesame seed candy)

Source: Northpad Kitchen

This candy is the star kid in the north and only found its way to other regions on rare occasions. It’s basically sesame seeds coated in sugar syrup.

Ekana Gowon (Gowon’s finger)

Source: Dobby’s signature

Another personal favourite, Ekana Gowon is probably the cheapest local candy on this list. I remember buying it for as low as two sticks for N5. It’s made from sugar, lime and water. The unique cone shape sets it apart from the other local candies.

Alewa

Source: Nairaland

Alewa was the queen that brought the boys to the yard. It was the quickest way to get your playmates’ the attention and have them begging for some. It’s made from water, sugar and food colouring. It also had a reputation for changing the colour of the tongue—a real charmer for kids.

Coconut candy

Source: Kitchen Butterly

This candy deserves some real respect because it’s the only one fully thriving to this day. You’ll even find it at owambes, either as a souvenir or dessert option. It’s made from coconut, sugar and water.

Catch the crazy dating stories of our 40+ anonymous writer, once a month from Sunday, June 11, 2023.
So you just started talking to your person, and you want to show how much you like them? Sit tight, this quiz has all the answers you need.
Trenches food is the cheap food people buy off the streets or roadside restaurants. The people of Twitter go on and on about how it’s the best kind of food out there, and to be honest, I don’t disagree. BUT not all of it is great, and that’s why I’ve decided to rank the top ten trenches foods from “hell no” to “top-tier”.

Eko and milk

Image credit: Kiki

I’ve never had this, but I bet it tastes as unappealing as it looks. People who say they like this are lying. How can you eat something that looks so bland?

Spaghetti and Beans

Image credit: Bethsomediet

I understand we’re talking about trenches food, but come on now, spaghetti and beans? Why did anybody think this would be a good combination? There’s no way this tastes good because the textures of both meals just don’t go together. The worst is rice, spaghetti and beans. You must be eating for eating sake if you eat that.

Yam and beans

Image credit:Veeluvstocook_

What is it with mama put and adding beans anywhere it’s not needed? Is yam and stew not good enough? Eating two heavy meals together can’t be good for anybody.

Agege bread and butter

Just bread and butter? No egg, beans, akara or even stew? It’s giving basic.

Akara and pap

Image credit: Cookpad

The best akara is the kind you buy from the mama down the road from your office at 7 a.m. before work starts. It’s straight out of the fire and goes perfectly with agege bread or pap hot enough to burn your throat. The bread is two days stale, and the pap is the kind they scoop with a big plastic cup.

Fried yam or potato with pepper sauce

Image credit: Lyndishes

Whether you have it early in the morning, afternoon or at night, fried yam or potato with pepper sauce will always bang. Take note though, it must be served inside black nylon or newspaper. If they give it to you in a styrofoam plate, it won’t have the sweet trenches taste.

White rice and ofada sauce

Image credit: Nigerian food tv

The rice has to come with ofada sauce that has enough pepper in it to make you cry, plenty of meat, two boiled eggs and five fingers of plantain.

White rice, stew and boiled egg

The egg has to be soaked in the stew, and the stew must have enough oil to reduce your life span by eight years. If not, the food won’t slap.

Mai shayi bread and egg

I’m not sure whether it’s the excess oil or how they press the bread in the frying pan after putting the egg in the middle, but mai shayi agege bread and egg sandwich tastes like it dropped from heaven.

Ewa agoyin and agege bread

Nothing beats trenches ewa agoyin. A restaurant opened up and tried to sell it in fancy packaging. That didn’t work out because the trenches is part of ewa agoyin’s sauce. It’s best served in a styrofoam plate with the oil dripping into the black nylon and staining everywhere.

ALSO READ: Ranked! Lagos Traffic Food

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It’s good to be adventurous with food, but Nigerians make some choices that should be considered a jailable crime. These ten things are the worst of them all.

Drinking garri with milk

I need the person who started this crime to explain what they were thinking. In what way is garri and milk a good combination? Is it cereal? (Anyone who just answered yes deserves punishment). The real criminals are those who do it with Ijebu garri.

Eating suya in the afternoon

Check the Nigerian constitution, and you’ll see it written there that suya must be made and eaten at night because “night” is the key ingredient. If you ever eat it in the morning or afternoon, you’re committing a federal crime, and you deserved to be flogged.

Saying Lagos bole is better than PH bole

First of all, this is just complete self-deceit. How can you see PH Bole in all its juicy gloriousness, with the fish, pepper sauce, soft ponmo etc., and say boring Lagos Bole is better? Don’t say it outside, or they’ll lock you up.

Taking cereal with hot water

Only babies are exempted from this because they have to eat soggy nonsense. They don’t have teeth. But as a grown adult without teeth problems, you should be deployed into the Nigerian army to eat corn and garri since you don’t appreciate good food.

Eating swallow with cutlery

Nigeria gained independence from the British in 1960. This means we no longer have to do things the way the colonisers taught us. So please, drop that fork and use your hand to eat that eba. If you don’t, it means you’re a coloniser and we’ll have to lock you up.

People who swallow swallow

If you swallow eba, amala, fufu, pounded yam or any other swallow, without chewing, you’re a cultist or hired assassin and that’s why you should be put in jail. You plus the person who named these foods “swallow” when they’re clearly meant to be chewed. We need a petition to change the name to “chewers”, please.

Eating anything that’s not rice and stew on Sunday

Who do you think you are, trying to break a lifelong tradition of eating rice and stew on a Sunday? Rice and stew was ordained as the traditional meal for Sunday lunch since before our parents were born. If you eat anything else, you’re dishonouring tradition, and the gods will flog you when you’re asleep at night.

ALSO READ: Will Nigerians Ever Settle These Food Wars?

Where are our Zikoko Ships now?

Dayo*

Sesan*

Demola*

Jide*

Deji*

John*

Eko and milk

Spaghetti and Beans

Yam and beans

Agege bread and butter

Akara and pap

Fried yam or potato with pepper sauce

White rice and ofada sauce

White rice, stew and boiled egg

Mai shayi bread and egg

Ewa agoyin and agege bread

Drinking garri with milk

Eating suya in the afternoon

Saying Lagos bole is better than PH bole

Taking cereal with hot water

Eating swallow with cutlery

People who swallow swallow

Eating anything that’s not rice and stew on Sunday